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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 8:09:07 AM | OP, you said she "told you" about this. Did it just come out of the blue, or did you ask her what her number was? If you asked...well, the moral of this story is that you shouldn't ask a question if you're not sure you really want to know the answer.
I don't blame you for feeling a little weird about it, especially if her number is higher than yours (there's still the stereotype that men are the ones who are supposed to have lots of experience, and women should keep themselves to only a handful of partners). But that's a stereotype that's starting to have less and less basis in reality, which is something that people are going to have to get used to. As long as she was safe for the last 20 or so years, gets regular STI checks, etc., there probably isn't much of a problem unless you create one.
If you still feel insecure about it, talk to her about why. Nobody can change their past, and I think that the fact she felt she could be honest with you says a lot about the amount of trust in your relationship. Besides, she's with you now, and that counts for a lot! | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:41:18 AM |
do you ever feel emabarrased knowing so many other guys just knew her as easy? just wondering, not self pitying. would most like to hear from guys IN this kind of situation, not bashers. do you ever obsess on it even though you do not want to?
I'd bet that hardly anyone here who has exprtessed their opinions has actually been in the situation you describe... so they're talking off the tops of their heads... theaory is one thing, actual situations are another...
I'm involved with a woman who has had a lot of partners... both male and female, and she' had group sex, she was a swinger... etc... At the time, she thought it was ok, but in time her views changed, and she go out of that...
Yeah, it's not a great thing to have to think about, and sometimes it does mess with your head... As you say, if you know too many details, and you've heard the stories, etc... When you realise your lady has been DP'd and spit roasted and done the things you see in hard-core porno movies... and over and over...It really leaves some unpleasant pictures in your head...
You think about all those things she's done when you have sex, when you go down on her.... afterwards....
Anyone who thinks the past is the past is full of it... maybe when the numbers are comfortable, but not at the other extreme... especially if they haven't dealt with it in real life... Their thoughts are sanitized and not as graphic... everything people do or have done changes them... people will say, it's made me who I am... to that I say, just think of how much better you could have been....
I've never been embarrased being with her, and I never will... She's a great lady and very loving... Places we've been, I've seen guys look at her and whisper about her... but I'm a big guy and they know I can handle myself so they're careful to not piss me off... She's told me I'm the only guy who was proud to be with her... means a lot to her....
I sometimes wonder why it is that out of all those guys, I'm the only one who could see she was worth keeping when so many threw her away...
I have felt embarrased FOR her though. Several of the guys took advantage of her and I'd heard some of the stories before I met her (didn't even know it was about her until later either)... A lot of times women have no idea just how little respect some guys REALLY have for them...
We do run into several of her past lovers...here and there... I think I've met about 7 guys and 3 of the women. It's caused a few issues... particularly in a bar when I've met two guys who both did her together... Those are the nights you watch your drinks so you don't let your mind wander... yes, sometimes, the thoughts of being violent are there in my head too... I have injured one guy.... I wasn't angry... I just had had enough...
At times...
You wonder if one guy is enough for her...
You wonder whether or not you're enough for her...
You wonder am I the biggest, the best...
Sometimes you just don't want to do it, or you 'lose' it when the thoughts intrude...
So those are the standard 'issues' that a lot of people will label 'insecurity'...
The other issues are...
She has very few friends... the only males in her life she hears from would call in the hopes of getting in her pants again...
She has health problems from a couple of STD's that she got...
She's suffers from depression over it...
She's had thoughts of suicide...
She's worried about going places where people will know and or talk about her...
She feels she was used and manuipulated because she was naive and didn't know better.... she had all the classic low self-esteem issues...
There are times when she has thoughts of being violent to some of those guys when she meets them...
The guys that say "she has experience"...
Well, yes, she does... most of which didn't do a thing for me... she still had to figure out what I liked... It's funny but it's a lot harder to 'unlearn' something that doesn't work than it is to start fresh and 'learn' something that does work... But that could be because by the time I met her, she was very jaded about sex. A lot of what she learned was almost 'mechanical'. No empathy, no feelings...
Yes, there's nothing like making love to your lady and she suddenly breaks down into a crying fit because you've just done something that triggers a bad memory of what someone else did to her...
Yes, you can sit in the rocking chair and hold her hand...
Yes you can and will love her...
Yes, you will have those 'thoughts' but in time they will start to fade...
So, unlike the others, that's the other, and often all too real side of it...
Yes, you wonder if you can somehow 'fix' things, but you can't... | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 11:15:42 AM | That's why I try not to have that conversation. The past is past and she's with you now. The bad part is when she brings it up in conversation and starts telling you all the things she used to do with them that she'll never do again (i.e. with you) . I dated one girl that did that enough I wanted to buy some earplugs LOL... Surprise surprise, that relationship ended. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 11:43:57 AM | Yes, that's annoying. Stats you can handle, but not positions...
I dated a girl who'd slept with about 40 people. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but she was only 19 at the time, so I was a little uncomfortable with that. Don't really see the point of sleeping with someone you don't care about, least of all doing that all the time. You wake up with a head full of regret and a really unfulfilling night of passion.
It would bother me, but only because depending on how old she is, she should have more self-respect than that. I'd say that about men who'd had loads of one-night-stands too though; I genuinely don't think the Casanova model is something to aspire to. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 11:53:59 AM | | Well no guy ever wants to hear this, most prefer to think in there selfish minds that were the only ones they ever had. Sad but true we are ext selfish in that area esp because like most men its about planting ones seed & moving on. Least for those who can control oneself that is. Most dont because they lack opportunities sometimes I think thats the only think that seperates most from doing just about everyone who comes there way. But hopefully if people are sleeping with multiple partners all you can ask for is to least be upfront about it. Hopefully they dont come with multiple std's I would think once your in there upper double digits chances are they have something. Kinda hard not stumble across something these days....ughhhhh | |
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| re: men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 1:31:40 PM |
say in 20 years she's had a 100 lovers...I'd say you are over-reacting...
Has everyone forgotten about STDs again? A hundred lovers in a LIFETIME is way too large a risk. Even if she passes all of the STD tests, there is the real risk of her carrying an unknown disease (AIDS wasn't known until relatively recently).
He's asking the rights question, but perhaps for the wrong reasons. | |
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| re: men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 1:39:07 PM | ^ Aside from that... am I the only one that has a hard time taking someone who has had 5 relationships a year progress far enough to get to sexual activity and still not last long enough that they managed to have 5 partners a year seriously?
What I mean is-- at what point do you look at someone's numbers and say, "This person has a pattern of non-commitment?" Never? Eventually" If so, when? | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 2:04:32 PM | heynow63,
I try and stay away from the greasy-spoons.
Fast food is ok every once in a while, but I wouldn't eat it every day of my life, certainly wouldn't settle for it as a mainstay.
She ain't yours for long-term. You're just a number.
Why would YOU feel embarrassed?
Are you compromising your values? Methinks so.
Your post reminds me of the joke: What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you! Funny part is that all your friends had a ride, and plenty of others too!
and I thought that old song "Henry the 8th" was too much!
Wear a shirt with the number 101 printed on the back! | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 2:05:25 PM | Ok so here are some issues I'd be conserned with.
Is she still playing with any of those common aquaintances?
Does/did she have an STD from any of them?
Does she have any kids from them?
Were/are any of them romantic and not just sex?
Does she have a history of cheating?
If she answered yes to questions 1 and 5 thats a deal breaker.
If she answered yes to questions 2, 3, and 4 that is a maybe on if she's a keeper depending on a few things.
2. If she still has an STD then of course I wouldn't be with her. If she had it cured then and she's clean then I would let it slide.
3. Is the father in the sceen and if so is he an agitator. IE obsessive, a deadbeat or on again off again.
4. If she loved any of them does she still. If she still does I wouldn't persue her.
And of course no's for all 5 are a great thing. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 2:09:38 PM |
Posted By: Pixy Dust on 8/30/2008 10  16 PM Message: Ok I had to look at your age and I see you are 45... sooooo.... say in 20 years she's had a 100 lovers... that averages out to 5 per year... now does that sound so bad??? if it's 70 lovers that is 3.5 men per year.
Yes. Yes it does. (Especially since 3-5 assumes she has never had a 'long term monogamous relationship'.)
I live by and expect a certain standard from my mates. I don't want to be anyone's Mr. Right Now. I don't like wasting my time and effort on someone who can't appreciate it, or who can't commit in the same way I do to a relationship. Sure, if a woman, or man, has experienced a thousand lovers, and you are the last one they ever want, it would be a great compliment. A very strong emotional statement. It is also very unlikely. Insecure? More like Realistic. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 2:33:01 PM |
Sure, if a woman, or man, has experienced a thousand lovers, and you are the last one they ever want, it would be a great compliment.
Back to the fast food analogy though...
I've probably eaten a 1,000 Big Macs, don't think I ever want another one... Doesn't seem like much of a compliment to the Big Mac....
The difference is also, whether or not your the last one, or just the next one...
How does the person who has had sex with a lot of partners make you feel any more special than any of the others...? | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 2:35:15 PM | OP, my last g/f was quite experienced, way more than the figures you've got. IMO, the only problem is the way a person relates to that. I guess it just depends on how you are wired. I happened to find most of her stories quite erotic. The only problem I had was that she talked quite a "liberal" line at the start of the relationship, and as soon as we started living together, got very conservative. Of course she had every right to choose what she did and didn't want to do.
Perhaps you need to find out why they had that number of partners? In this instance it was due to a rape at 14, figured she might as well do it on her terms after that, instead of having it taken. Of course there's more to it than that, but that is her story, not mine. | |
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| re: men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 2:38:01 PM |
am I the only one that has a hard time taking someone who has had 5 relationships a year progress far enough to get to sexual activity and still not last long enough that they managed to have 5 partners a year seriously?
I would have a hard time taking seriously a woman who has had one partner a year let alone 5.... still no level of comittment...
And BTW, long term to me is not 2 years or even 5 years... Hell, I've dated girls when I was in school that lasted that long....
I'd rather think that someone's idea of LTR is longer than their time in their job... | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 8/31/2008 5:36:56 PM | Posted By: m_church on 8/31/2008 5  01 PM Message: Sure, if a woman, or man, has experienced a thousand lovers, and you are the last one they ever want, it would be a great compliment. Back to the fast food analogy though... I've probably eaten a 1,000 Big Macs, don't think I ever want another one... Doesn't seem like much of a compliment to the Big Mac.... The difference is also, whether or not your the last one, or just the next one... How does the person who has had sex with a lot of partners make you feel any more special than any of the others...?
That little bit you took out of context was meant to be a very small bone thown to the opposing view; but, I'll take your statement and correct your analogy as it should have been toward my comment. It's more like trying 1,000 sandwiches and deciding, after finally tasting one, that you'd like to only have Big Macs the rest of your life. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 9/1/2008 5:59:50 AM | I think at this age it's a bit ridiculous to have this conversation to begin with. Insecure men might have asked me when I was 35....
as far as STD's go the question to ask is when was the last time you were tested before "WE" bed down... or agree to go have the tests done... that is reasonable... to ask about a person's past is none of your business unless she wants to share that with you... it has nothing to do with commitment... I'm certainly not going to ask a man how many women he's slept with... I don't want to know and I don't need to know... knowing someone is clean is one thing knowing someone's sexual conquests is opening Pandora's box...
If you are taking it slow and getting to know someone then you will know if you are getting ahold of Mizz Easylay..... same holds true for men.. gees.... just grow up.... | |
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