|
|
|
|
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:18:43 AM | I think talking about what you are looking for is more important than when you have sex.
In other words, make it clear to him that you don't jump in the sack w/just anyone. And thatyou aren't into ONS or not seeking a ONS from him.
See how he responds. What are his words and actions telling you? Does HE want to wait until after the first date? What is important to him? And is he saying he's seeking a LTR?
I've wavered on waiting vs not waiting a number of times, for me personally. Usually I end up in the not waiting camp. LOL
I think... hmmm... For me, wanting to have sex on the first/second date is NOT something that I do with everyone. And if I DO, then it's b/c I"m really into the person. And if I DON"T then it's because I just wasn't feelin' the chemistry.
So for me, wanting it that bad with someone is more of a result of how I feel. It doesn't create infatuation nor does it create feelings that aren't already there. And for me, that really is the only reason for why I would hesitate. Like, by having sex I'll think I like him when really I just like the sex. That worry would make me want to wait. But if I look at my history with guys, that really hasn't been the case.
That's how I feel about it...but my feelings are really only applicable to ME. I think for you you have to examine what it means to you when you have sex w/someone.
And again, discuss it with HIM...He's the one that matters, here, not us.
Kaylie | |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:19:58 AM | | Sometimes I think too many of us try to live up by too many rules. Be spontaneous and do what feels right, doesn't matter...two adults should be able to make their own judgement and not second guess. If it feels right, doesn't matter how long you wait. | |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:21:23 AM | It depends on you and him. If your looking for a long term relationship and so is he and you both feel ok with it-why not. I dated for about 1 1/2 years on this site and including another site. I don't give in to just anyone who looks good or sends me a few flowers- but i did feel it was ok with my new love. We have been together since last Oct and we are truly in love and nothing has changed that. If the trust is there from the start-love will follow....wether you have sex or not. | |
|
| |
adf67
|
Joined: 2/26/2008
Msg: 30 | |
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:22:27 AM | In response to platinum1 message 21. It's not a rush into sleep in with him thing, I was really turned on by him at first, come to find out he's a gambler & thing's never went any further, since I don't date Gambler's. Thank's for everyone's feed back, but guess I'll just go back to the waiting game,lol. Thank you so very much to all of you. | |
|
| |
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:42:18 AM |
I had sex with 2 of my husbands on the first date, so yes, it certainly can turn into more than just a sexual relationship.
I am wondering how many husbands you have had. If you had so many, your relationships were never more than sexual relationships... | |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:48:34 AM | It's possible that it could develop into more, but what are the chances? Robert Sternberg developed the Triangular Theory of Love that is based on three interconnected components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. To determine the type of love relationship the level must be measured in which a relationship manifests these three dimensions. Humans initiate love relationships early in life with their caregivers. Early relationships can hold an affect on relationship within a person’s adult life. The passion is the stimulating component in which attraction is developed, romance is welcomed, and sexual desire is noticed. The intimacy component is the feeling of being close by having a strong bond, disclosure of deep thoughts, and obtaining trust. The commitment component refers to the decision to sustain a long-term relationship that embraces care and love. By combining the three components of passion intimacy, and commitment, Sternberg developed seven types of love relationships. The liking type of relationship occurs when there is only intimacy, just as in friendships. Infatuated love is when relationships contain only passion or in other words, love at first sight. As fast as infatuation appears, it disappears just as quickly. Empty love happens when there is only commitment in a relationship and at times, it’s the lingering love that remnants after the other types have disappeared. Romantic love is a relationship that holds the combination of intimacy and passion. Within this type of relationship each person shares a physical desire for one another and also, like each other. Companionate love is the combination of the components commitment and intimacy. This type often occurs in the later stage of a relationship after the passion has disappeared. Then there is fatuous love which is a combination of passion and commitment but fails to have any intimacy. Consummate love is the combination of all the three components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. This type of relationship is an ideal type of love because it includes a true friendship, physical attraction, and a sturdy commitment. Therefore, Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory shares that passion, intimacy, and commitment are the main components of love. Different combinations of these components may produce various types of love such as liking, infatuated love, empty love, romantic love, companionate love, fatuous love, and consummate love.  | |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:50:08 AM | | LoL . This sounds like a "blaming the victim" book. "...And it is all your fault, because you have extinguished his fire!". Please, it's a two-way street & blaming the woman is a typical sexist conclusion. Again, it's only a book and one person's thoughts, definitely nothing with realism as a foundation. LoL. | |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:51:48 AM | | I guess ask your self do you want a man who sleeps with every woman he meets on the first date, if hes that quick to jump into bed with you who else will he perhaps be the same way with, its not about playin the game or holding out till he gives you what he wants, its not about knowing how your heart feels the first time you go out, if you jump into bed with somene first time you meet its all about normal natural hormones we all have, if you cant control them on the first time you all meet, what means they will be controled the next woman he meets or the man you meet , put it right out there for you to understand, is it hormones cause if its the first meeting it cant be love, learn the difference, love or lust, saves heartache and guilt down the road, cause every time you make the mistake its gona hurt alot more. | |
|
| |
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 10:41:26 AM | Frankly I don't think having sex early on will kill your chances of a long-term relationship with anyone. I believe that sex is one of the least important elements in the human bond. If you look at the posts on this forum, few blame sex for a breakup.
Besides initial chemistry, there are countless reason why a man and a woman don't get along. I believe one of the major reason is the maturity level of many couple isn't very high. In short, many couple don't understand that there will be many problems in any relationship. All of these problems will require the involvement of both parties to resolve them. Also they forget a relationship is a contract of exclusivity and an agreement to work on issues as they occur.
To solve problems requires the ability to bargain or negotiate. This involves frank discussion and compromise. These aren't skill that most people have, but they can be learned.
Of course, the preceeding only applies to couple who are emotionally healthy. Drunks, cheaters, drug addict, and neurotics may have long-term relationships but only of misery!
The Eagle | |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 10:53:41 AM | As I look back about 10 years, sex on the first meeting/date only happened once, and it wasn't planned. It just happened. As others have said, when things are right and good, it happens and it's wonderful. Spent nearly 11 hours talking, flirting, laughing, enjoying, wondering, hoping....did I say flirting? Then it was 5 hours of the most sexual, fullfilling, invigorating, wonderful and fun intimacy I've ever experienced. I often believe I fell in love that night, and I think he did also. But, it wasn't to be and I still think of him often, 6 years later.
If only I could find that again!
LIB | |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 11:11:49 AM | Hell no..... When I was in the navy I knew of several sailors who had sex on the first date and fell head over heels with the lady and they married.
If the chemistry is there why not go for it?
Besides lust sex and then later on in the relationship making love is amazing.
Also if one has relations first date for example and you find your not compatible it is best to find out before you invest to much time and taking a chance of missing your perfect match.
Having sex tells you if the person is selfish,caring, clean, frigid, premature, feels guilt and if they are gentle and caring.
    | |
|
adf67
|
Joined: 2/26/2008
Msg: 40 | |
| |
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 11:30:28 AM | Wow I bet the woman who wrote the book is divorced possibly several times and is possibly IMHO under a doctors care for her frigidity.
Being married for 40 years I can assure you if the man and lady are friends share the same interests and grow together and learn to keep each other mentally and physically happy that's the key, not holding back like some uncaring dead fish afraid to let go for fear of losing him once he finds out how shallow the writer is (of the book)
I have a brother in law a doctor who had 4 wives in 12 years one was the ice queen an other wanted a Mrs doctor degree and the last two were on a rebound.
If the attraction is there go for it . I met my wife when I was 21 right out of the navy and I got married 3 months later.
While in the navy for my 3 year enlistment I had made love to over 87 women and all but three were married.
Seems because these women had waited later on in life they wanted to see what they had missed.
Look at the Clinton's and how many,many,many,many flings wild Bill had and look at Elliot Spitzer (new york State gov) and the Ex NJ gov and all the other democraps who strayed one who even has a wife dying of cancer and then told her once she dies he is going to marry his girl friend.
Saving your virtue is great if your a teenager still attending school but in the real life there are just to many fish in the sea to waste time hoping she feels something that she is willing to be intimate.
I like these how to books by folks who like priests never had a decent sex life that is still very intimate and exciting and still spontaneous.
I think in my opinion the book your quoting from would make a great bird cage liner.
Now if Wild Bill wrote a book how to seduce women who are chubby or in need of a major nose job Id possibly consider reading it
 | |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 11:36:04 AM | t's books like that, that make me want to gouge out my own eyes...
GAMES!!! If you have to play games and follow rules to "get" a man...who the hell wants him??? I want someone who loves me for who I am.
A MEN, RIGHT ON you my dear would will make someone a great partner in life  | |
|
| |
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 11:49:32 AM | To me sex without the intimacy and closeness of an emotional relationship is unfulfilling and leaves a lot to be desired. Frankly, it's not worth the time for the most part. If all there is to it is a physical release, hell, you can do that yourself. I say that if the emotional and intimacy aspects are there, then it is not only a wonderful thing, but can only bring you closer, regardless of whether it's the first or the hundredth date. I have personally made a lot of choices not to have sex with the woman I was dating as I didn't feel the intimacy and closeness was there at the time, and I didn't want sex just for the act of sex, as it just left me feeling like something was missing.
I also see a lot of "get him to chase me", and "empowering" comments by a lot of the posters. Frankly ladies, your not seeing the relationship as a relationship at all, but more a power play in which your trying to get your way. Stop that. When you or your partner either one uses sex as some kind of tool in your war of wills, you cheapen it and make yourselves unworthy. Sex is NOT something to win a man or a woman with, nor is it a way to keep a real man's interest, maybe you have been playing with immature boys for too long. Withholding ANY part of yourself for any reason other than your simply not ready for that step is unfair and manipulative. A healthy relationship has aspects of a healthy sex life included. And that goes for both sides.
I can quite assure you, a woman or man either one who cannot be open, compassionate, passionate, intimate, sharing, trusting, fair, etc, will absolutely show it during sex. As far as I am concerned, it goes a long way towards showing me what the person is inside. In all honesty, I will not commit to a person fully until I know how that person makes love. If they have self esteem issues, trust issues, intimacy issues, power play issues, etc...I want to know about them before becoming committed to them. Who wants to fall deeply in love with someone only to realize that person has these kinds of issues later down the line.
And one last note, let me make myself very clear. I am not saying that people should run out and have sex to discover people. I am simply stating that when the time is right, then it is right, and you'll know it. Don't be planning on or putting rules out about the when or how, or what he or she will think of you because of it. Be open to the other person, listen to your heart, and it will all work out as it should. Quit worrying and let nature take it's course. Oh, and be safe. :) | |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 12:50:08 PM | "If you are 30 you might have 15 summers of hot sex in the rain left and that is if you work out and eat right. You could have as few as 8 summers left"
Blimey...I'm 52, smoke and drink and I'm overweight, still MORE than capable of having hot sex in the rain, or anywhere else for that matter!
As to the question...
Had sex on the first date with my husband, we were married for 18 years, he died sadly.
Had sex on the first date with my next relationship after, we were together 5 years, parted for reasons which had nothing to do with sex!!
If it's there it's there, and when you have sex really has nothing to do with it! | |
|
| |
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 1:34:31 PM | Withholding ANY part of yourself for any reason other than your simply not ready for that step is unfair and manipulative. A healthy relationship has aspects of a healthy sex life included. And that goes for both sides.
True, but... what exactly makes us not ready for the next step? Sometimes it's the memories of the frogs we've kissed in the past.... our fears, our defence reactions, our social conditioning... or respect for THEIR personal space (read: their fears, defense reactions and social conditioning)... I've decided to throw caution to the wind once, made a conscious effort to trust somebody early on, and boy, was that a DISempowering experience, for BOTH of us, not just me! Whereas some women who really know how to lead men on a chase... they really inflate the men's ego by doing so, make it a win/win game... I think if the other person feels pumped up, that's the ultimate litmus test. A relationship (intimate or otherwise) ought to bring you up, not down.
I think waiting is simply cautious, not unfair or manipulative. Not that I'd nesessarily wait... I guess it depends.
| |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 2:42:05 PM | LOL....interesting perspective. And I agree that if you feel caution is needed, then by all means be cautious.
Put into another perspective though, you bring up "frogs we've kissed in the past.... our fears, our defence reactions, our social conditioning". Think about that. Are you basing your experiences with the man/woman your trying to get to know on others actions? Are you allowing fear of the past to cause you to act in the present? Is that fair? Do you expect him/her to judge you by his/her past experiences? All of these things can fit easily into the unfair that I was speaking about.
Each person needs to be met and judged on his or her own merits, and your past relations should have nothing to do with him/her. If your going into a new relationship, carrying bad experiences your had from others, your not truly ready for the new person, you still have things you need to deal with and perhaps get over before that. There are few things that will kill a good persons view towards you quicker than comparing them to some past person, or blaming them for some other persons actions. That is not being open to the person you are dealing with but rather looking for reasons to run. I guarantee you, if your looking to find something negative, you will.
You also speak of "I've decided to throw caution to the wind once, made a conscious effort to trust somebody early on, and boy, was that a DISempowering experience, for BOTH of us, not just me" and I would never advise throwing caution to the wind, but doesn't everyone deserve some amount of trust however minimal it is until they either build more or destroy what you have given? It sounds like to me, and believe me I do not claim to be any expert, just giving my opinion, that the person you did this with didn't deserve the trust you gave. However, the next one might. Don't let that experience jade your next one. Yes, I know, it's VERY hard to do. However, it's also the only fair thing to do as well.
And I guess I can see your point when you say, "Whereas some women who really know how to lead men on a chase... they really inflate the men's ego by doing so, make it a win/win game" but is it really about inflating a guy's ego? I'll be the first to tell ya, I WANT to be chased myself sometimes. To me, women who run away, may not want to be caught. They can meet me halfway. Again, isn't that fair? Sure, it's great fun to persue and be persued, but at what point does it go into the whole "he's so agressive" routine, or the "she constantly leads me on " routine. These are all games people play, and in this case, kinda sexist, and not really worthy of being thought of in the context of creating a relationship, unless of course, your basing your realtionship on games. Why not sit down with openness and honesty and sort out what you like, what he likes, and whether those things are common or not. Save the chasing for games night, right? | |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 2:50:33 PM | I hear ya.. if a guy dumps you because you had intercourse too soon he's a jerk. He lives in an archaic world that no longer exists.
Women no longer wear chastity belts... women no longer have to bear the burden of being barefoot and pregnant. Women are free now ... at least they are supposed to be -- women run for President and Vice-President, women are astronauts... its time to revamp the sexual revolution.
Whats wrong boys... cant handle the pressure???????
Now having said that, I think its important to be ready for sex. Women are still wired differently from men... women (most anyway) are wired to get emotionally attached, and that means they cant as easily enjoy random sex. In some ways thats a good thing.. helps a woman define who her mate is and who the father of the child should be, etc.
I dunno- no expert here, but its just a fact of nature. So I have learned not to rush into sex on a first date-- not because I dont want it, but because I'm aware that not all men
have the same desire for a relationship that I do and its important to level the field a little by waiting it out some ... even that is not always a guarantee... guys will still take off.
Good luck out there... | |
|
| Can having sex too soon in the relationship kill your chance's?
Posted: 9/1/2008 3:23:16 PM | | I realize that this has gotten somewhat off topic and I apologize for contributing to that. This thread caught my interest as I have asked myself this very question far too many times. In todays world, things are really difficult. It's not like it was when I was growing up. Back then, Gentlemen were appreciated. Opening a door for a lady was a good thing to do, bringing her flowers on the first date was not only a good thing, but expected. Times changed, and I am still back in the 80's I guess. I have actually been cussed for opening a door for what I thought was a lady within the last year, I have been told that I was thought to be gay for not hitting on a woman on the first or even third date, I have been told I was too assuming for bringing flowers on a first date. I notice that the majority of people speaking in this thread are actually women though. If todays age is one of equality, why is it that women are the ones speaking up here? Is it that men simply don't have these questions? I did. Does that make me less of a man? I don't think so. I think overall it depends on who your out with and what they believe more than anything, and communication is key to it all, regardless. If your sexually attracted to someone, let them know. Don't be pushy about it, but don't play games either. And I expect the women I go out with to respect me when I say I would rather wait till I got to know her better as much as I would respect them to tell me the same. In the same sense, if we are both feeling like we should, I think that should be recognized and respected as well. Going home after a date should not be a deal where you don't know what just happened either way. I know for a fact, I have been on dates where my friends have asked me how it went, and I had to answer them with "I don't know." If you like someone, let them know, if you don't like someone, let them know that as well. What is everyone scared of in communicating with that other person. I think sex is just the ultimate in the whole "let them know" thing. What more compliment could you give someone towards letting them know how attracted you are to them than in the ultimate show of intimacy. Just don't cheapen it by making it into a purely physical act. If you do it, mean it. Don't do it for them, do it because it's what YOU BOTH want, and for no other reason. It's a sharing, trusting, caring, beautiful thing, keep it that way and you can't go wrong. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
