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Posted: 6/22/2006 5:09:24 AM | Last year, a blonde replaced all the windows in her house with those
expensive double pane energy efficient kind.
But this week, she got a call from the contractor complaining that
his work had been completed a whole year and she had yet to pay for
them.
Just because she's blonde doesn't mean that she's automatically
stupid.
So, she proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy
had told her last year.
He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so she just hung
up, and he hasn't called back.
Guess he was embarrassed. | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 6/22/2006 5:15:04 PM | What's the fastest thing you know of?
Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man."
"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clichie for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.
After hearing the three previous answers, "It's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Newfie.
"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh, I can explain," said the Newfie, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants."
He got the job. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2006 4:13:12 PM | Peter met Pam in a nightclub.
They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the
end of the evening-
Pam invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a
very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in thebed andsnuggled up
close to each other.
After a short while, Pam began tenderly strokingPeter's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be
ready formore already?"
Pam replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic,
and I miss the days when I had mine."
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Posted: 6/25/2006 9:08:23 PM | Q: A pirate gets his ears pierced. How much does it cost him?
A: A buccaneer
Q: Where do pirates love to go out to eat?
A: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrby's
Q: Why are pirates so mean?
A: They just Arrrrrrrrr! | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 7/2/2006 11:04:59 AM | What did the tie say to the hat?
You go ahead, I'll just hang around. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2006 2:13:29 PM | An Accommodating Wife
Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but .........
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed............... | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 7/4/2006 10:22:53 PM | Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into
the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!
"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!   | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 7/13/2006 1:23:08 PM | OBITUARY: THE SAD PASSING OF COMMON SENSE
(an oldie but a goodie)
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended - his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not join the majority and do nothing. | |
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Posted: 7/20/2006 7:44:16 AM | I thought this was a good follow up to Steve's post.
When you think of it, there are only two things people need.
You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food.
But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a Republican.
Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it."
But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, we'll have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Oh my god. It's a pepperoni."
Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would check I.D.s and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.
Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister."
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks.
You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?"
Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic. Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating. | |
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Posted: 7/20/2006 7:48:46 AM | John decided to visit his friend, Dave, who had just moved into a new high-rise apartment building.
As he parked his car and got out, he heard a woman's voice say, "Hi there, big boy." Looking up, he saw a gorgeous lady-dressed in a shear negligee, leaning over the railing. "Come on up and see me," she purred.
John wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that! He took the elevator to the fifth floor, and as he got off-an apartment door opened and the sexy lady beckoned him toward her.
John walked over to the open door.
"I've been waiting for someone like you," the lady said as she slowly unzipped his pants. John's pecker rose swiftly to the occasion, and the lady took it into her hand. Then she gave it a sharp whack with her other hand!
John jumped back in alarm. "What the hell did you do that for?" he cried.
She answered, "That'll teach you to take my parking place." | |
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Posted: 7/20/2006 7:49:52 AM | | Frisbeterian = Someone who believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and you can't get it down | |
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Posted: 7/20/2006 8:14:20 AM | Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied,
"No peer pressure."
Chaz | |
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Posted: 7/21/2006 11:07:26 AM | Subject: Temptation
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,and so we decided to get married. My parents helped
us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!There was only one thing bothering me,
very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law, was 20 years of age, wore
tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view
of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome
and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I
was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was
stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that
you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.
Chaz | |
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Posted: 7/21/2006 11:49:46 AM | A Micmac, an Iroquois and a Beothuk were out in the woods one day. As the hour drew late, the Micmac started to get hungry, left his friends, walked out into the woods and returned a short time later with a large rabbit, which he began to cook over the fire for his supper. The others asked him where he had gotten it, and he replied:
"Me follow tracks, me get big plump rabbit."
The Iroquois heard this, and being hungry himself, he set off into the forest while the Beothuk sat lost in thought.
A short time later, he returned with a deer draped over his shoulders. The Beothuk, getting mighty hungry now, but too proud to ask another warrior to feed him, asked where he had gotten the deer, to which he replied:
"Me follow tracks, me get big meaty deer."
The Beothuk looked kind of confused, but he shrugged his shoulders and walked off into the forest while the other two continued with the preparation of their meals.
A short time later, the Micmac and the Iroquois looked up to see the Beothuk returning. He was beaten and bloody all over, covered in twigs and branches, limping and nursing a broken arm. The two of them were shocked, and asked him what had happened to him. He replied:
"Me follow tracks... me get hit by train." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 7/21/2006 1:18:30 PM | A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the
pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the
store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could
help the gentleman. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would
be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female
pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever
it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would
treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The old
bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent
erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I
was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just
a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We
discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership
in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses".
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Posted: 7/22/2006 4:58:10 AM | The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals
her
lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her
husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford
any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself
some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no
undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford
any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency,
here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Newfie's wife bends over! The wind also takes her
Skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
Affarrd any."
The Newfie reaches into his pocket and says, "Well,fer the love'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb.
Tidy yerself up a
bit. | |
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rottie
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Joined: 5/24/2005
Msg: 267 | |
| Jokes
Posted: 7/22/2006 5:42:12 AM | A guy and girl are driving along the highway when she decides to give him oral sex. After driving for a few minutes the guy starts getting very worked up.
he says: I can't take any more we gotta pull over and f#ck
she says: where we gonna do it at since we're on the highway
he says: We'll get under the car..that way if someone comes I'll tell them I'm fixing the muffler
They get under the car and after a few minutes the guy feels a tap tap on his foot
he says: who is it?
cop says : Police officer....What do you think yer doin?
he says: I'm fixing my muffler
cop says: well maybe ya should fix yer brakes first.. yer cars at the bottom of the hill. | |
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Posted: 7/22/2006 8:42:50 AM | Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
Moods of a Man
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
Chaz | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 7/22/2006 8:44:26 AM | Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
St. Peter fainted
Chaz | |
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Posted: 7/22/2006 8:46:34 AM | Oldie BUT a goodie :)
Ontario Supreme Court Custody Decision...
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his
aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.
Custody was granted to the Toronto Maple Leafs this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone!
Chaz | |
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Posted: 7/23/2006 3:13:11 PM | I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"
Read this one until its not funny ;)
Chaz | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 7/24/2006 3:46:27 AM | There are only eleven times in history where the word f*ck has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
11. "What the f*ck do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the f*ck was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those f*cking Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877
8. "Any f*cking idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so f*cking look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the f*ck did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the f*ck are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered f*cking showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f*ck is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f*cking mad." -- Saddam Hussein, 2003
Chaz | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 7/27/2006 4:51:34 PM | I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been sitting
in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was
going to have to stagger out the door. | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 7/29/2006 6:20:15 AM | Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars
on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 7/30/2006 10:46:42 AM | *Knock Knock*
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
*Knock Knock*
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
*Knock Knock*
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana? | |
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