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Posted: 8/1/2006 4:05:25 PM | Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be President.
- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original colour.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.  | |
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Posted: 8/4/2006 6:37:12 PM | One day, three men are out having a relaxing day of fishing, when suddenly
they catch a mermaid. After hauling the mermaid up in a net, she
promises that if the men set her free, she will grant each of them a wish
in return. The first man doesn't believe it, so he says, "Alright, if you
can really grant wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says,
"Done," and suddenly the first man starts to flawlessly recite
Shakespeare and analyze it with extreme insight.
The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and says,
"Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done," and the second man starts
to recite soloutions to mathematical problems that have been stumping
all of the scientists in various fields from phsics to chemistry, etc.
The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he says
to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says,
"You know, I don't normally try to change people's minds when
they make a wish, but I really wish you would reconsider." The man
responds, "Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you
won't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," said the mermaid "You don't
know what you are asking, it'll change your entire view on the universe.
Won't you ask for something else, a million dollars, or anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted on having his IQ
increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid finally relented
and said, "Done."
The third man became a woman. | |
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Posted: 8/4/2006 6:47:10 PM | Steve, that was freakin hilarious!!!!
Backintheswim. That was funny. It probably would have been more funny had I not heard it before...but it was great!
I doubt this is on here already, but if it is then I apologize but there are too many pages for me to check...
Mickey Mouse is standing in front of the judge of the Grand Jury awaiting the verdict.
"Mickey Mouse," the judge says. "I cannot grant you a divorce from your wife Minnie mouse for we have found her to be quite sane and of sound mind"
(insert Mickey Mouse voice) "OOOHH but your honor! I didn't say she was crazy...I said she was f*cking Goofy!"
This was one of my all time favorite jokes
"your nose is kinda runny....you think it's kinda funny.....but it's not (it's snot)"
my brother said this to me when I was like 7 and I laughed for about 20 minutes solid...I was in pain and my shirt was drenched from the tears streaming down my face. | |
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Posted: 8/4/2006 7:18:26 PM | Scenario : You are driving your car at a constant speed.
- On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you.
- In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.
- Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
- Both the galloping pig and the helicopter are also travelling
at the same speed as you.
- What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?????
Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round and GO HOME!!! You"re Hammered!!!! | |
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Posted: 8/4/2006 7:26:55 PM | 
THAT'S FREAKIN AMAZING!!!!!!!!!
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Posted: 8/11/2006 3:43:43 PM | It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even know her name."
"So what did you do?" asked the other cop.
"Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask questions afterward."- - - - -
The Beatles have reformed and brought out a new album..................
It’s mostly just drum and bass. | |
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Posted: 8/12/2006 11:33:51 AM | good day all........
"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin'
holesin his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is
Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Who says we rednecks aren't real bright?!) | |
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Posted: 8/31/2006 6:09:52 PM | Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get ? totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there. | |
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Posted: 9/7/2006 9:41:12 AM | One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the > oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE! | |
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Posted: 9/7/2006 1:21:43 PM | Heres a oneliner for ya
> What does a chair fart sound like?
> Get uhff meh !  | |
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Posted: 10/26/2006 6:34:38 PM | An oldie, but a goodie
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually,no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." | |
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Posted: 10/26/2006 6:37:44 PM | FLOUR AND WATER
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?
And then you add eggs and sugar you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT | |
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Posted: 10/26/2006 6:39:52 PM | Just funny
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," she says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5". She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!" | |
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Posted: 10/26/2006 8:13:13 PM |
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!" | |
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Posted: 10/27/2006 3:36:37 PM | Oldie, but goodie...
"There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things
in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say
the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your
computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the
window. "
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power........ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: ; "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too (bleeping) stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
"
hehehe | |
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Posted: 10/27/2006 3:59:54 PM | Virus!!!!!
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Re-booter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. | |
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Posted: 10/27/2006 4:26:36 PM | I was crusin' down this country road in the Summer time with my window down. A lady who was approaching me in the opposite lane hollered, "PIG!"
WTF?!!
I flipped her the bird and hollered "B*I*T*C*H!"
Went over the hill and ran into a a farmers pig in the middle of the road.
Maybe we should try an listen to women a little more...
Regards,
Mac | |
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Posted: 10/29/2006 4:05:43 PM | Jim and Edna
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" | |
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Posted: 10/31/2006 12:46:51 PM | Tree Hugger
While walking through the Colorado Aspen forests a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin'me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day..." | |
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Posted: 10/31/2006 12:51:21 PM | Some Q's and A's
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your d!ck?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed b!tch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. | |
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Posted: 10/31/2006 8:29:46 PM | A church group was getting a tour of a local hospital. As they passed an open room, one elderly lady happened to glance in and saw a man in his bed masturbating.
She quickly grabbed the young doctor giving the tour and asked, "What is the meaning of this?!" You surely don't condone such behavior!"
The doctor said, "Actually ma'am, we do. You see this gentleman has a very rare condition where his testicles produce so much sperm that unless he ejaculates every 2 hours, they'll literally explode."
That lady was quite taken aback and a bit flustered, but after a moment she agreed to continue the tour. As she passed the very next room she looked in and saw a nurse performing oral sex on the man in that bed! She quickly said, "Now, You can't tell me you condone THAT!"
The doctor replied, "Well, yes we do ma'am. You see, he has the exact same condition as the other gentleman, just a better health plan." | |
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Posted: 11/5/2006 4:36:29 PM | Are we kin?
Two hillbilly friends were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while 'ol Elmer asks, "If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" His buddy, Lem, crooks his head sideways for a minute, scratches his head, and squints his eyes like he's thinking real hard about this question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even." | |
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Posted: 11/5/2006 4:42:22 PM | Micrsoft VS General Motors
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh! would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. | |
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Posted: 11/6/2006 5:16:07 AM | You know your a "Redneck" when...You have six cars in the yard and the only vehicle that actually runs is your home.
You know your a "Redneck" when...You get married and everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
Yahooo. Doncha love Rednecks. hahaha | |
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Posted: 11/6/2006 7:27:46 AM | A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”
“Why? Was I weaving all over the road?” the man answered.
“No,” replied the policeman, “you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.” | |
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