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Posted: 11/6/2006 7:28:26 AM | Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, and stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, jump into bed, slap my wife on the ass, and say, 'Who's horny?' and she acts like she's sound asleep. It works every time!" | |
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Posted: 11/6/2006 7:29:25 AM | A drunk guy walks into a bar, goes over to a woman standing at the jukebox, and grabs her ass.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the woman screams.
“I’m sorry,” replies the drunk. “I thought you were my wife!”
“Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable ***hole!” she yells.
“See? You sound just like her.” | |
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Posted: 11/6/2006 8:12:36 AM | Hehee. Love it!!
Reminds me of a joke
In marriage there are 3 varieties of sex
In the first year of marriage you have "Anywhere sex" all over the house in every room in the house.
In years 2-5 you have "bedroom sex". No where else but the bedroom.
In years 5 and on you have "Oral sex". You pass each other in the hall yelling "**** you". | |
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Posted: 11/6/2006 2:02:22 PM | this fly is flying around really hungry when he spots a pile of horse manure, so down he goes lands on the manure and gorges himself, when he's done he has eaten so much that he can't fly. looking around he sees a pitch fork leaning against the barn and figures, if he walks over climbs the handle and jumps off the wind will catch him and he'll be able to fly, so he does, when he jumps of the handle he falls straight to the ground, splat! dead!
Moral: Don't fly off the handle when your full of sh!t. | |
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Posted: 11/6/2006 5:45:14 PM | LOL, this one reminds me of one...I like jokes with morals.
There was once a bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He figured he had enough of flying south every winter and decided to stay on the farm, figuring there was no big deal anyway.
So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold; the bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. He realized he had made a big mistake by staying and headed to a near by barn for shelter. On the way to the barn it started to snow and the bird collapsed on the ground, cold, tired and hungry.
As he lay there a cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird.
The bird was angry at first, wondering who had done this horrible thing to him, but the crap was too heavy and he couldn't free himself. After a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm he began to sing.
A buzzard overheard the singing and went to investigate. He cleared away the crap and ate the little bird.
The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend. | |
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Posted: 11/8/2006 1:16:04 PM | A Canadian Is Drinking In A New York Bar....
He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canadian just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson Canadian, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says, "Had him circumcised". | |
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Posted: 11/13/2006 11:39:37 AM | Job History
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center , but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I eventually quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, I tried Retirement and, you know what? I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB! | |
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Posted: 11/15/2006 10:24:23 PM | 7 Kinds of Sex
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex
happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you
have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you
have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you
have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot
stand your partner any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called:
Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but not
enough to live on. | |
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Posted: 11/15/2006 10:29:53 PM | God and the Biker
A biker was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a
booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to
Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think
of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it
would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural>resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that would
honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally
he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my
wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what
she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman>truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do You want two lanes or four on>that bridge?" | |
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Posted: 11/16/2006 4:27:45 PM | An Oldie, but a Goodie
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, it's just a sperm bank!",
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" ,
"DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard." | |
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Posted: 11/16/2006 4:38:32 PM | The Baby Photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted. | |
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Posted: 11/16/2006 4:44:15 PM | Some odd stuff .....
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase ......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!!!!!! | |
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Novak
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Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 313 | |
| Jokes
Posted: 11/16/2006 7:47:04 PM | The Worlds Shortest Psychiatrist Joke
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear
made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says ............
"Well...I can clearly see your nuts." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 11/18/2006 9:12:55 AM | Not a joke ... but too lazy to create a new thread ...
Please consider this...
If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 10,000 soldiers. The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 10,000 for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington immediately. | |
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Posted: 11/18/2006 10:21:54 AM | A woman walks into a psychiatrist's office.
The doctor says, "You're crazy."
She says, "I'd like a second opinion..."
"All-right; you're UGLY too."
Regards,
Mac | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 11/19/2006 2:14:21 PM | A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." | |
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Novak
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Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 317 | |
| Jokes
Posted: 11/20/2006 10:12:46 AM | How do you circumsize a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw. | |
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Posted: 11/20/2006 12:50:54 PM | If girls with nice tits work at Hooter's, where do girls with one leg work?
IHOP
how do you make sure when you have a daughter she won't get pregnant before she finishes high school?
Don't toilet train her, no matter how hot she is, when she shits her self in her date's car he'll be sure to have her home on time | |
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Posted: 11/22/2006 6:41:10 PM | THE MORAL IS .....
Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN | |
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Posted: 11/22/2006 6:42:52 PM | Dangerous Foods
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode the stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and few of us realize the long-term harm caused by the pollutants in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake." | |
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Posted: 11/23/2006 9:01:41 PM | A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure. A young, student nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash
your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises
his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting
and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thank you
very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? | |
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Posted: 11/24/2006 4:14:57 PM | Did you hear about the x rated turkey? its served with very little dressing | |
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Posted: 11/24/2006 6:43:01 PM | say "MILK, MILK, MILK. now what do cows drink?
    | |
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Posted: 11/26/2006 11:48:51 AM | Borrowed from over there -------------->
Three ol' gals
Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home when an old grandpa walked by. One of the old grandmas
yelled out "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under
shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared
at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked
him to jump up and
down for a little while and then they all piped up
and said, "You're 84 years old!"
"How in the world did you guess?"
The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees
and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,
"Because we were at your birthday party yesterday." | |
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Novak
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Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 325 | |
| Jokes
Posted: 11/26/2006 12:08:34 PM | NUDIST COLONY
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite
blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you
call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she
leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel,
eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters
the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward
him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.
"It's a rule that if you fart , it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his
way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by
the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 63 years old. I only get an erection
once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!" | |
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