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| Jokes
Posted: 11/29/2006 9:01:17 AM | GUTS VS BALLS
We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
Assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 11/29/2006 11:52:16 AM | On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog
and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town
with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the
keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping
he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse
was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley,
and he managed to get hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to
him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between
the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he
would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!) "When
You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 11/29/2006 1:35:43 PM | Little Old Ladies .....
I was shopping at the Superstore and noticed a little old lady following me around. I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.
She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me. Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much .. I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!! | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 11/30/2006 12:22:08 PM | A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.........."Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!" | |
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Posted: 11/30/2006 4:21:49 PM |
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me. Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much .. I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
I can't help it -- I have to get it off my chest.
I was 15 and my friend was 14. We ate at the Zellers restaurant. My friend said to me, "You see that old guy sitting over there by himself? We will walk past the cash register and tell the lady that "Dad, will be paying for us."
She said, "That's fine" and we got the heck out of there quick!
I've always felt bad about that stupid trick.
Regards,
Mac | |
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Novak
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Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 331 | |
| Jokes
Posted: 12/5/2006 6:37:08 AM | Secret to a long marriage.........????
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into
how he managed to live with the same woman all these years. The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired trips to where?
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go get her." | |
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Posted: 12/5/2006 7:49:24 AM | ^^^^ ^^^^
Right on!! Behind a man, there is a woman!!!
If the men understand the secret of a long lasting marriage , they will have it made.
Simply to trust and respect, to please and be pleased, be kind and considerate... He is not the boss but them 2 are 1.
They should go to Rome this time for their 50th annirversary.
Rome isn't built in a day!! | |
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Posted: 12/8/2006 8:15:26 PM | A man goes into his bedroom to dress after taking a shower. He reaches into his bureau drawer and pulls out a pair of boxers, as he does he notices a white substance falling off of them. He takes out another pair and the same thing happens. becoming a little annoyed about this he goes into the kitchen where his wife is making dinner and says to her,
"Dear,I have already asked you not to sprinkle talcum powder over my boxers, please dont do it anymore."
the wife replies
"Oh I am sorry honey. But its not talcum powder, its miricale grow." | |
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Posted: 12/10/2006 4:58:15 PM | A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed
one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like
the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My
husband does. He said he can't communicate with me." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 12/10/2006 5:45:22 PM | A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."
Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves.
A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold.
The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, eh, tell him that was a friggin hockey stick from Canadian Tire." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 12/17/2006 3:07:55 AM | The Perfect Woman
One afternoon, an old bachelor was sitting in a cafe, drinking tea with a friend and talking about life and love. "How come you never got married?" asked his friend at one point.
"Well, to tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Dartmouth, I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, with eyes like dark olives, but she was unkind. Then in Bedford, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no interests in common. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would be always something missing. Then one day, I met her. She was beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. We had everything in common. Had the same set of values, wanted the same things out of life. In fact, she was perfect."
"Wow, at last. Well, what happened? Why didn't you marry her?" said the friend.
The bachelor took another sip of his tea reflectively. "Well," he replied. "It's a sad thing; seems she was looking for the perfect man." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 1/15/2007 4:12:00 PM | A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "OK Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either. "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached - I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes." "Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark. | |
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Posted: 2/13/2007 8:46:22 PM | TOP FOUR ADULT JOKES OF 2006
Number 4
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Number 3
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over A few minutes later; he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number 2
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to over come the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Number 1
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 2/13/2007 8:50:42 PM | Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me Over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the Main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen."
"Tray-up, b*tch." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 2/19/2007 1:21:07 PM | | An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. They stare and stare trying to figure out who the stranger is. Suddenly the Irishman twigs: My God, it's Jesus! Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint Of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a Bottle of Molson Canadian. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus Approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him For the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of Amazement: My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand,thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" says Jesus. The Newfie shouts, "Frig Off B'ye, I'm on Workers Compensation!" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 2/22/2007 4:50:34 PM | Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Tag lines are the bumper stickers of the 90's.
We're born with two eyes and two ears for a reason. You're supposed to see and hear four times more then you speak!
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Did you hear about the podiatrist who ran for mayor? He was defeated!
Before drawing boards were invented, what did everybody go back to? | |
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| Jokes.....Can you read this?
Posted: 2/22/2007 6:25:38 PM | CAN YOU READ THIS ?
Don't even think about using spell check!!!!!!!!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
And I drill my kids on spelling?  | |
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| Jokes.....Can you read this?
Posted: 2/23/2007 7:42:43 AM | Old...but very applicable A man finds a bottle that washed up on shore.He opens the top and a Genie pops out.You have 3 wishes ,however,what you recieve your Xwife will get twice as much.Hmmm I want a mansion...poof,there it is and your X gets 2. I want a billion dollars....poof,he gets the billion and the X gets 2 billion.Now for your last wish the Genie said,What will it be?The guy looked at the Genie and said ,take that large stick over there and beat me half to death with it.  | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 3/28/2007 4:54:34 PM | MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday,
a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either
bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him." | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 3/28/2007 5:01:34 PM | | Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE." The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors. | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 3/30/2007 11:53:27 AM | Did you here about the newfie who wanted to have sex with a cute blonde girl in his office,but belonged to someone else?
One day the newfie got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,"I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you."The girl said,"no."
The newfie said,"I'll be fast,i'll throw the money on the floor,you bend over,and i'll be finished before you pick it up."She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult with her boyfriend first.
She called her boyfriend and told him the story.The boyfriend said,"it's close to christmas,and we could use the money.Ask him for $200,and pick it up really fast and he won't be able to get his pants down."She agreed and and accepted the proposal.
The boyfriend waited,and waited till finally after 55 minutes he called her at the office.
she answers the phone and he asked her how it went.She said that they had just finished.
He says,"what the hell took you so long?"
She answers,"the basterd used quarters!!!"
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| Jokes....
Posted: 4/1/2007 6:01:47 AM | Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".
+++++++++++++Variation on the last+++++++++++++++++
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers."
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because if you make a mistake and they die, no one notices and no one cares". | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 4/2/2007 1:29:19 PM |
SHORT STORY.
Man driving down a road.
Woman driving up the same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells back out the window, B I T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in the middle of the road .
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
If only men would listen... | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 4/2/2007 1:40:32 PM | Some Senior moments:
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay
calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios
in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells
back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at
the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head
and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then
yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the
door."
________________________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have
a beer."
_______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL !Two elderly ladies had been
friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards
when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your
name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and
said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
The End
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I Love You in 7 Languages:
English - I Love You
French - Je T'aime
German - lch Liebe
Japanese - Ai Shite Ima
Italian - Ti Amo
Chinese - Wo Ai Nin
Cape Breton - Nice Arse, Get in the Truck | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 4/2/2007 4:45:20 PM | Three women ... one ticket ...
Three women and three men are travelling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men??
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor Comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea. After the Game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
And I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!
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