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| Jokes....
Posted: 4/4/2007 6:28:06 AM | Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1.. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 4/5/2007 9:32:01 PM | Ok just remember they are only jokes ladies lame but still jokes
-Whats the diference between a blonde and a misquito?
You slap a misquito and it stops sucking
-A smart blonde a bumb blonde and santa fall off a cliff
who survives?
the dumb blonde there's no such thing as a smart blonde and santa
the rest I know are too perverted or immoral | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/9/2007 9:40:25 AM | QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME..........
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a
"penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to
see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid
song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window? | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/9/2007 4:18:54 PM | * this joke told with fond memories of my Halifax bus pass*
This drunken man gets on a bus late one night , staggers up the aisle and
sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and tells him,
"You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,
"MAN! I'm on the wrong bus!!!!" | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/14/2007 6:04:06 PM | Cup of Coffee
Not a joke, but even better!
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups--porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain, some expensive, some exquisite--telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases, it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.
What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups . . and then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this:
Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee provided us.
Enjoy your coffee!!
The happiest people don't HAVE the best of everything. They just MAKE the best of everything they have. | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/14/2007 6:35:05 PM | Heard from my son today:
"There are no dead Bowlers....they just end up in the gutters"
Not sure if that make sense to anybody but I thought if was sooo funny when he said it!
Maybe it's just me...
LOLOLOL! | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/14/2007 6:41:54 PM | | You're right Steve...not a joke...is there a philosophical thread somewhere??? | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/14/2007 6:49:41 PM | Da leafs...lol!
You are so right...actually didn't pay close attention to what Steve was saying...
But I believe the moral of this story is that the darn Coffee taste so much better in a NICE cup! Come on...everyone knows that! Who is with me on that one??? lol
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/14/2007 9:23:22 PM |
You're right Steve...not a joke...is there a philosophical thread somewhere???
To be fair, it could be said that any philosophical contemplation is, ultimately, a joke.
Myself, I've never eyed up somebody else's cup of coffee. And I really don't give a darn what the cup looks like, I'm going to grab the biggest one. Size DOES matter.
sv | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:09:24 PM |
To be fair, it could be said that any philosophical contemplation is, ultimately, a joke.
Ok, explain? 
OT:
the five Surgeons
The first, an Ontario surgeon says, "I like to see Accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.
The second, a Quebec surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third, a British Columbia surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth, an Alberta surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...
those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth a Newfie surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no
guts, no heart,
no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are
interchangeable. | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/15/2007 4:10:44 PM | Grandmother's Dating Advice
There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family." | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/17/2007 4:52:20 PM | | A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!" | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/24/2007 11:52:14 AM | A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker
and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll
kick the life out of all of you!
"St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/29/2007 10:18:03 PM | Knowing American History
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Lets begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "Im gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, Ill kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, were in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!
The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!" | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/30/2007 3:45:36 AM | WHY DO SEAGULLS FLY UPSIDE DOWN OVER THE POLICE STATION?
CAUSE THEIR NOT WORTH SH*TTING ON!
RIDE ON EDDY! | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 5/30/2007 11:57:00 AM | Re-released hits for baby boomers:
• “You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon
• “How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the Bee Gees
• “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face” by Roberta Flack
• “I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash
• “Papa Got A Kidney Stone” by the Temptations
• “These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra
• “You Make Me Feel Like Napping” by Leo Sayer
• “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores
• “A Whiter Shade of Hair” by Procol Harum
• “I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles
• “Rikki, Don’t Lose Your Car Keys” by Steely Dan
• “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker” by Herman's Hermits
• “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication” by the Who
• “Bald Thing” by the Troggs
• “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones
• “I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye
• And last, but definitely not least, “Bad Prune Rising” by Credence Clearwater Revival | |
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| Jokes....
Posted: 6/2/2007 1:14:59 PM | An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks one more time for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to his room.
He's soon going at it as best he can for a guy his age,but needs some reassurance,he asks"How am I doing?"
She replies,"Well old sailor,your doing about 3 knots." "3 knots ?" he asks,"Whats that supposed to mean?"
She replies,'Your knot hard,your knot in,and your knot getting your money back!" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 10/28/2007 12:27:02 PM | | I really do love your jokes ! They made my day for real. I don't usually remember jokes but here is one that I just did happen to stick in my mind. Now I just hope it's ok to tell it. This guy and girl went out on a date and after the date they went back to the guys place and decided to get their groove on.Afterwards the guy kicked back with his arms crossed back behind his head and a smug look on his face . He said," I know that's the best you ever had ", and she said "why do you say that ? ", he answered ,"because every time I hit it your toes curled." And she said, "that's because most guys give me time to take off my pantyhose". | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 1/29/2008 4:46:18 PM | WHY ARE WEDDING DRESSES WHITE?
Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
... so ... umm ... hope everyone can take a joke  | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 1/29/2008 5:02:29 PM | My new pick up line...... ( and I wonder why Im still single )
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate???
Hersey Baaa!!!!
SNORT!!!!!!!! | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 1/30/2008 10:52:47 AM | No one finds this funny but me....
Im really worried about my dog...his poop tastes funny.:o) | |
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chef69
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Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 372 | |
| Jokes
Posted: 1/30/2008 11:33:34 AM | | little red riding hood walking to grandma's sees the big bad wolf sitting in the glass, little red riding hood say "my what big eyes you have"...the wolf runs off. Not thinking much of it she continues along 5min later the wolf is hiding behind a tree "my what big ears you have" the wolf runs off again, almost at grandma's she sees the wolf again this time hiding behind a rock "my what big teeth you have" the wolf replies "do you mind for god sake I am trying to take a crap!" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 1/30/2008 5:36:54 PM | Two old ladies are standing on the sidewalk.
All of a sudden, and to their complete surprise, a man streaks by right in front of them, buck naked.
Well, one old lady had a stroke.
The other old lady didn't get to touch it at all.
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| Jokes
Posted: 1/30/2008 8:03:04 PM | This is the shortest poem in the world
It is called " FLEAS"
and it goes like this
"FLEAS"
Adam had em" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 1/31/2008 2:45:52 PM | Laying in bed on a Sunday morning, and screaming Oh God!!!
doesn't count as going to church...... | |
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