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| Jokes
Posted: 1/31/2008 7:30:19 PM | 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 6/19/2008 4:51:57 PM | Subject: Whores & Hockey Players
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole-heads
of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says
he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to
his manager, Some ***hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce. As he
finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so
he added, And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of
that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where
are you from, son? Canada, sir, the boy replied. Well, why did you leave the
manager asked.
The boy said, Sir, there's nothing but whores and
hockey players up there.Really?? said the manager.
My wife is from Canada.
No shit replied the boy. Who'd she play for?? | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/17/2008 10:17:21 AM | Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" | |
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gfom
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Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 379 | |
| A Toast...
Posted: 9/21/2008 7:24:26 PM | John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.' | |
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gfom
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Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 380 | |
| From the mouths of babes...
Posted: 9/21/2008 7:31:54 PM | A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses................................................. until they stop running.
2. Strike while the .......................................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ........................................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of........................... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but .............................How?
6. Don't bite the hand that............................................ looks dirty.
7. No news is................................................................ impossible
8. A miss is as good as a ................................................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new................................. Math
10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll............................... stink in the morning.
11.Love all, trust........................................................... Me.
12.The pen is mightier than the .....................................pigs.
13.An idle mind is......................................................... the best way to relax.
14.Where there's smoke there's ....................................pollution.
15.Happy the bride who................................................ gets all the presents.
16.A penny saved is .......................................................not much.
17.Two's company, three's............................................. the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow what................................. you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... You have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as.......................................... Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not ................................. spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed......................................... get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you .....................See in the picture on the box
24.When the blind lead the blind...................................... get out of the way.
25.A bird in the hand is.................................................... going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.Better late than ..........................................................Pregnant | |
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gfom
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Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 381 | |
| Thank Heavens...
Posted: 9/21/2008 7:33:19 PM | After having a little too much to drink, a man drives home from the city, his car weaving violently all over the road, as drunk drivers are prone to do. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf. | |
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| Thank Heavens...
Posted: 9/21/2008 8:04:32 PM | Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply...
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges whatever is given to her.
So...if you give her crap, you will receive more ShIt than any one human being can handle
 lol | |
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| Thank Heavens...
Posted: 9/21/2008 9:09:18 PM | A man walks into his son's bedroom and says "if you keep masturbating you will go blind"...the son replies " I am over here Dad!"
Husband and wife are watching TV, the husband goes to the kitchen and comes back with a bottle of Asprin and a glass of water, the Wife replies "Why are you giving me this I don't have a headache" the husband replies " great lets have sex!"
What is the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife? 45 pounds
What is the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband? 45 minutes | |
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| Thank Heavens...
Posted: 12/3/2008 5:57:00 PM | Just had this emailed to me 
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact
'Mary. Mary. Are you there?' 'Is that you, Fred?' 'Yes. I've come back like we agreed.' 'What's it like?'
'
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, then off to the golf course.
I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex, I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts all over again.
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven'
'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Saskatchewan!' | |
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| Thank Heavens...
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:32:26 PM | A piece of advice for ya ... not really a joke ..
"Don't eat yellow snow "
yet another timeless piece of advice...
"If you sh*t in the woods... don't fall back in it"
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| Jokes
Posted: 12/20/2008 6:34:14 AM | Really love this joke. It was good to have a laugh before I head to work.
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Posted: 1/20/2009 7:34:06 AM | The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex .
Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading this message..........
You hang in there sunshine....... | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 2/18/2009 4:30:57 AM | Canada Audit
Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada ."
"To Revenue Canada ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to Revenue Canada ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 2/19/2009 5:09:39 PM | Advice to Give Your Daughters
Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself types.
Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal. | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 4/14/2009 7:18:29 AM | Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming..
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
" A ll these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 4/14/2009 7:22:56 AM | AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet
twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs
new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men. | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 4/14/2009 12:42:10 PM | | A man goes to a brothel looking for some companionship, the madam introduces herself and ask how much he was willing to spend, he replies 10 dollars....all of the women leave except for this sick looking middle aged lady he takes her and off for a session they go, after the session was over he happened to notice a new medical report and she is positive for crabs. Well he puts his clothes on runs to the madam to complain the madam replies "for 10 bucks what did you think you were going to get...Lobster?" | |
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