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| Jokes
Posted: 9/12/2005 2:51:54 PM | A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."
got this from comedy central lol | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/13/2005 2:04:48 PM | What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
Swim Trunks...... | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/14/2005 7:04:52 PM | | Have you heard there's going to be a remake of Silence of the Lambs in Newfoundland? It's called Ewes Be Quiet. | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/14/2005 7:08:06 PM | | lol at BooJord! | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/15/2005 10:26:11 AM | Hey Steve ....hey...who says good guys finish last!!!......read on...
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,
tears running down her face. Her praying roused him
from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent.. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I . I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "Shhh, now
let the poison work." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/15/2005 10:29:33 AM | hey ...this is a good thread....so trying to keep it going...
...and remember to always tell the truth...
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took
off for her house, where they made passionate love all
afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep,
awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his
clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and
rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when heentered the house.
Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with
my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.
I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You
lying **stard! You've been playing golf again!". | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/17/2005 11:02:33 AM | (sorry this is a longish one)
Subject: medical technology
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00! | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/17/2005 8:46:28 PM | | Do you know how a surgeon commits suicide? They leap from their ego to their IQ. A nurse reaches for her pen and pulls out a rectal thermometer instead and says, dammit some A**hole has my pen. Figured I keep with the medical jokes. | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/17/2005 9:27:53 PM | Here's a short one...let me know what you think...I made it up some time ago.
Why are all the Smurfs blue?
You would be too if there was only ONE girl in your village.... | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/18/2005 5:14:59 PM | WHAT A HONEYMOON!
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mum and dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? "
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Can you say ouch! | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/18/2005 7:44:07 PM | Two flies sitting on a peice of shit.
One fly farts.
The other fly looks over in absolute disgust and says:
"Come on man, I'm eating here!"
Perry | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/19/2005 10:46:15 AM | This is so sad :o).........Apologies in advance to all blonds, hit me with a brunette joke and we'll call it even :o) Of course, if most are like me, I had to read it twice to get it and so did everyone else who read it.
JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER -
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry; I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the computer from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" | |
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| Airline Humour
Posted: 9/19/2005 2:02:09 PM | airplane humour
Qantas Airlines ( Australia ) prides itself on its Saftey Record .They are also pround of the great maintenance they give their planes
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
The flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
( P = The Problem logged by the pilot. )
( S = The Solution and action taken by the engineers. )
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in****it.
S: Something tightened in****it.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in****it.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
Pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. | |
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| How to avoid the Flu :o)
Posted: 9/20/2005 7:49:47 AM | How To Avoid The Flu
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach. Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol... Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS. So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"
Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much | |
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| A few laughs
Posted: 9/25/2005 7:21:44 AM | Church Bulletins
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3.The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
34. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Notes For The Milkman
These are actual notes left for the Milkman.
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it."
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way 'round."
"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."
"Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed last night's SOPRANOS. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?"
"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?"
"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me."
"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday or is it today?"
"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk."
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
Why We Love Kids
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are
not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you
right now. She's hitting the bottle."
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a
headache the next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers
and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....
and into the hole he gooooes." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/25/2005 7:04:20 PM | Will I live to be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why in the HELL do you give a shit if you live to be 80? | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/25/2005 11:50:45 PM | an elderly southern bell returns home from her first trip to new york & is have tea with her girl friends
W=elderly southern bell
F= her friends
W: my heavens you wouldn't believe it , in New York city a man will date another man & they're called homosexuals
F: oh my , oh dear
W: my heavens you wouldn't believe it , in New York city a woman will date another woman & they're called lesbians
F: oh dear,oh my
W: my heavens you wouldn't believe it , in New York city a man will kiss a woman right on her privates
F: oh my what are they called
W: well after ten minutes I called him precious | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/26/2005 12:11:30 AM | forgive the bad spelling of names
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs on your door step?
matt
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs in the water?
bob
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs in the water with a life jacket?
bob hope
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs on water ski's?
skip
what do you call a girl with no arms & no legs on water ski's?
annette
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs on a BBQ?
frank
what do you call a girl with no arms & no legs on a BBQ?
patty
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs on the wall?
art
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs in a pot?
stu
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs in a hole?
phil
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs on a shovel?
doug
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs on a stage?
mike
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs working at a gas station?
philup
what do you call a guy with no arms & no legs in a pile of leaves?
russell
what do you call a girl with one arm & one leg?
ileen
what do you call five guys & one girl with no arms & no leggs ?
bob bob bob , bob bob & ann
what do you call two guys with no arms & no leggs hanging in a window?
kurt & rod | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/26/2005 12:14:10 AM | why do men name their penis?
so they don't have a stranger making all the decisions | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/26/2005 12:18:39 AM | | blonde & brunette are in an elevator, cute guy gets in , brunette notices som dandruff * wispers to the blonde "he needs some head & shoulders" , blonde wispers back "yeah your right, wait....how do you give shoulders?" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/26/2005 12:21:37 AM | the age old question:
If a man is talking in the forest & there is no one around to hear him - is he still wrong? | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/26/2005 12:27:44 AM | | an elderly woman in a nursing home gets horny one day, puts on her night dress & goes to the tv room where all the men are sitting, she flips her dress up & yells "super pu$$y" > one old man looks to the other "I think I'll take the soup" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/26/2005 12:31:21 AM | | going to bed , I'm up way too late , BTW how PC do these forums need to be? | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/26/2005 4:20:35 PM | Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a b#$%."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a b#$%?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b$%^."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a b^&*."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a b^&*."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a b^&*."
Girl : "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A B^&(!!!" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/26/2005 4:26:07 PM | ... The jumbo jet is just coming into Person Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt Johnson. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the****it. The co-pilot says to the pilot,
"Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?
Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her take her back to my room, and shag her all night."
Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the****it to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gotta take a shit first!" | |
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