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| Jokes
Posted: 9/27/2005 7:06:36 AM | guy goes to the junk yard & says "could I get a rearview mirror for my chevette?" junk yard guy says "sure sounds like a fair trade"
guy walks into a bar says to the bartender " I'll bet you $100 I can show you somthink you've never seen"
bar tender says "I've been a bar tender for 25 years there is nothing I havn't seen"
guy pulls out a small Piano from one pocket & a small man from the other, The little man starts playing the piano.
bartender gives the guy $100 & askes wher he got the piano & little man
guy say the gennie in this bottle offered him one wish
bartender offers $100 for the "gennie bottle"
the guy accepts & the bartender rubbs the bottle , gennie comes out offers one wish , bartender wishes for a million bucks
all of a sudden the bar fillls with a million ducks
bartender says to the guy "WTF"
guy says "do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/27/2005 9:33:14 AM | Finally a good blond joke
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cuteblonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do
you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/27/2005 10:21:28 AM | | 5 out of 4 ppl can't do math & 67% of all statistics are made up | |
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Posted: 9/27/2005 10:24:44 AM | | A three legged dog walks into a saloon > "I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw" | |
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Posted: 9/28/2005 5:10:01 AM | The Kitchen ****
> >
> >
> >
> > A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son
> > playing
> > with his
> > new electric train in the living room.
> >
> >
> >
> > She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of ****es
> > who
> > want
> > off, get the hell off now... because this is the last stop! And all of
you
> > sons
> > of
> > ****es who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're
going
> > down
> > the
> > tracks.
> >
> >
> >
> > The horrified mother went in and told her son, " We don't use that kind
of
> > language
> > in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay
> > there for
> > TWO
> > HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you
to
> > use
> > nice
> > language!
> >
> >
> >
> > Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with
> > his
> > train.
> > Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
> > son say..."All passengers, please
> > remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope
> > your
> > trip
> > was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!
> >
> >
> >
> > She heard her little darling continue..." for those of you just
boarding,
> > remember
> > there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
> > relaxing
> > journey with us today.
> >
> >
> >
> > As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
> > pissed
> > off
> > about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the **** in the kitchen..."
> > | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/28/2005 5:18:31 AM | It's hard to find a friend who is
96% Funky
97% Sexy
98% Loving
99% Talented
and
100% Sweet
So
Don't lose me, okay?
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/28/2005 5:16:43 PM | How are breasts & toy trains alike??
both designed for children but men usually try to play with them. | |
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Posted: 9/29/2005 4:27:17 AM | CUTE JOKE
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your
business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell meanything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a
report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2005 3:40:29 AM | 5th time trying to post this...
Haha at rearview mirror for the chevette | |
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Posted: 10/3/2005 1:15:02 PM | hahahahahahahha
ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
>>many kinds of boobies are there?
>>
>>The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
>>breasts.
>>In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
>>In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
>>hanging
>>a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
>>
>>Onions?"
>>
>>"Yes, you see them and they make you cry"
>>
>>This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
>>
>>"Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
>>
>>The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
>>through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak
>>tree,
>>mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch,
>>flexible
>>but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
>>
>>"A Christmas tree?"
>>
>>"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
>>
>> | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 10/6/2005 6:49:48 AM | Air Force One
George Bush,****Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force
One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says "You
know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make
somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I
could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy." | |
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Posted: 10/6/2005 3:48:32 PM | Pretty good!
A man hops on the bus with two pockets full of golf balls. Eyeing him oddly, a seated lady looks at his pockets, then at him, back at his pockets. He notices her curiosity and says "oh, just golf balls and smiles".
She answers with a painful expression ... "Would that be as painful as tennis elbow?" | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 10/12/2005 6:17:06 AM | CAPE BRETONERS IN HEAVEN
Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Cape Bretoners up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are old car parts and tires all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."
The Lord said, "Cape Bretoners are Cape Bretoners, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Cape Bretoners have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!!!! | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 10/12/2005 3:17:28 PM | One day the Master announced that a young monk had reached an advanced state of enlightment. The news caused some stir. Some of the monks went to see the young monk. "We heard you are enlightened. Is that true?" they asked.
"It is," he replied.
"And how do you feel?"
"As miserable as ever," said the monk. | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 10/13/2005 10:44:41 AM | A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you
possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled
off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded. "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World." | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 10/14/2005 3:44:04 PM | | for more jokes check out the alberta forum, should be close to the top, as i'm stealing some jokes from you guys...LOL | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 10/14/2005 4:26:05 PM | ha ha ... I started this thread by stealing some jokes form the Alberta one  | |
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Posted: 10/14/2005 4:54:38 PM | | I'll tell you a joke....Steve 1976 | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 10/14/2005 7:52:53 PM | Heard this one on the radio last week.
Have you heard that Ashton Kutcher is getting rid of his playstation? Seems he's spending all his time playing with Bruce Willis' x-box. | |
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Posted: 10/14/2005 7:56:36 PM | | Ouch ... not bad ... I saw a preview for the 70's show ... I think ... Bruce, Demi, and Ashton are all going to appear in one show | |
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Posted: 10/16/2005 6:59:53 PM |  Nothing agaist blondes..This blonde watches up to a vending maching ,drops a loonie in ,pushes a couple buttons , and out comes a bag of chip.She does this a couple more times and both times gets anothing item. Finaly, she keeps a tap on the shoulder ,as she turns around , there is a long line of people waiting to use the machine, The gentalmen ask'd,"are you almost done", at which the blonde replayed with "DUHHHHHHHHHH , i'm winning..
I thought it was cute , wanted to share ...  | |
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Posted: 10/16/2005 7:03:13 PM | OPPS, this blonde WALKS up to a vending machine..........  | |
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Posted: 10/20/2005 11:07:13 AM | It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. | |
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robd
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Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 74 | |
| Jokes
Posted: 10/20/2005 12:47:40 PM | I have nothing against blonds but its a good joke so I have to tell.
A blond woman is at work and she can't concentrate on anything. She suspects her husband of having an affair with the cleaning lady. She decides to go home early to confront her husband on the matter. When she gets home she hears someone having sex in her bedroom. She opens the door and catches her husband in bed with the cleaning lady. She freaks out and opens the desk drawer and pulls out a pistol and holds it up against her own head, ready to pull the trigger. The husband screams," Don't do it Honey". She says,"You better shut up, your next"
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| Jokes
Posted: 10/24/2005 4:48:32 PM | Vidi a young Latin lass
And vici her heart and her ass.
She fondled genteely
My membrum virile
But veni too quickly alas.
Q: What's the difference between Canada and The U.S?
A; In the U.S., Moosehead is a beer. In Canada, it's a sexual offence
When Pope John Paul II got to heaven, St. Peter told him he was lucky to be there.
John Paul asked, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
"God was angry with your refusal to admit female priests," said St. Peter.
"He's mad about that?" the late pope asked.
St. Peter replied, "She's furious."
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED: Governmentium
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and
224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called peons. Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every
action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take 4 days to complete, when it
would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of
the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morons." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium
becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice
as many morons
Things never to say when arguing with a woman:
Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?
Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset.
Wait a minute, I get it... What time of the month is it?
You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.
Whoa, time out honey, Frasier's back.
Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B**** Flakes this morning.
I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now.
Hey baby-if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife.
Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded. | |
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