| Jokes
Posted: 10/25/2005 10:41:09 AM | What did the worm say to the catepillar?
Who were you sleeping with to get the nice fur coat?
 | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 10/25/2005 11:02:16 PM | This is for fun so I hope I do not offend anyone...
Did you hear the one about the Irishman who walked by the pub?
Me neither!
 | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 10/27/2005 9:14:50 AM | Halloween Joke of the Month
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why
he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want
to offend you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're
as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance
to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or askthat I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a
fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we
can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be
Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic! OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils
the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But
when they get back on the road, the cab driverstarts crying. "My dear
child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Robert and I'm
going to a Halloween party." | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 10/28/2005 11:44:29 AM | A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 10/28/2005 10:45:07 PM | this isn't that funny
a skeleton walked into a bar
the bartender asked "what can I get you"
the skeleton said "a beer and a mop" | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 10/29/2005 2:19:08 PM | | is the mop his "woman"?? | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 10/29/2005 4:57:04 PM | | Where did you get that ridiculous idea? He's a skeleton, the beer pours out of him. | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 10/30/2005 3:07:01 PM | ha ha that was a good one , i didnt get it at first though
heres one
there was a blonde woman who had no job so she decided to go door to door in her neighborhood to try and find some odd work , she knocks on a mans door and he answered and she asked him if there was anywork she could do , he said yes ill give you 50 bucks to paint my porch , he told her where the paint was and said to knock on the door when she was all done . THe blonde woman knocks on the door an hour later and he answeres and said your done already ? she said yep he said ok heres your 50 bucks she said thank you and then said by the way sir it wasnt a porch it was a ferrari | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 10/30/2005 3:09:12 PM | How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2 but how would you get them in the lightbulb | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/3/2005 4:40:40 AM | Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One cannibal says to the other "does this taste funny to you?" | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/4/2005 11:23:15 AM | | that was a good one | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/6/2005 2:43:46 PM | SECRETS OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE
**************************
My wife and I have a secret of making a marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney and mine in Halifax. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, and electric toaster and an electric breadmaker. When she said that she had too many gadgets, but nowhere to sit down, I bought her an electric chair.
Remember that marriage is the number one cause for divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know that her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to her for eighteen months - I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust."
In the beginning God created the earth and rested. Then, God created man and rested. Then God created woman and since then, neither God nor man has rested. | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/10/2005 5:25:39 PM | NEWFOUNDLAND
911
"Hello, is this the RCMP?"
"Yes. How may I help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He's
hiding drugs inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the RCMP SWAT team officers descended on Mike's
house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no
drugs.
They swore at Mike, he swore at them, and then they left. The
next day, the phone rang at Mike's house...
"Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep."
"Happy Birthday buddy." | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/11/2005 8:17:51 PM | What is the speed limit on sex?
68....at 69 you have to turn around! | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/11/2005 10:23:53 PM | How do women get minks?
The same way minks get minks. | |
|
sal999
|
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 91 | |
| Jokes
Posted: 11/13/2005 4:31:47 AM | man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "F--k off, you won't bring it back." | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/15/2005 1:14:03 AM | The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped. | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/15/2005 1:15:55 AM | Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husbands best mate Peter when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.
"Who was it? The back stabbing buddy asked.
"Oh, that was Mick." She replied calmly.
"Oh shit, I'd better be going then!: he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"
"Relax - he's down at the pub, playing a few games of pool with you." | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/22/2005 7:36:20 PM | This one is old but I still love it.
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." | |
|
PA!GE®
|
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 95 | |
| Jokes
Posted: 11/22/2005 9:07:36 PM | Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a
little fireside chat......
He says "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and
said, 'Here - try these on.'
So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.
'So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
Hmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.
So, on his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here, try
these on."
So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
So Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will,
and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, "Here, you
try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
So Karen says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude you
never will." | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/22/2005 9:21:13 PM | Why did the surrealist cross the road?
Seventeen fish sticks. | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/23/2005 7:54:40 PM | The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first
day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by
the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/23/2005 8:00:13 PM | | you missed the first two men ... I think one was an american and the other was an english guy, but I have been wrong before | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/24/2005 6:24:35 AM | Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was
probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back
in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
(A) The ones that learn by reading.
(B) The few who learn by observation.
(C) The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for
themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it
back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When
you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. | |
|
| Jokes
Posted: 11/28/2005 1:18:27 PM | HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police car, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(apparently a true story) | |
|
Home
login 
