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Posted: 11/29/2005 5:04:01 PM | A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another.
The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”
The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.”
The bartender says, “What've you got?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”
HE HE HA HA HO HO  HE HE HA HA HO HO HE HE HA HA HO HO HE HE HA HA HO HO | |
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Posted: 11/30/2005 10:04:15 AM | >Subject: Robot Bartender
>Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2005 23 32 -0500
>
>A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
>
>The robot serves him a perfectly prepared****ail, and then asks him,
>"What's your IQ?"
>
>The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
>global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry,
>environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and
>sexual proclivities
>
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes
back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly
prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's
breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one
more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's
your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly... "So............... ya gonna vote for
the Liberals again?" | |
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Posted: 11/30/2005 4:04:38 PM | A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
..............Well, I guess I just panicked...................." | |
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Posted: 11/30/2005 4:32:10 PM | Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either. | |
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Posted: 12/1/2005 5:17:20 PM | A bit of a read, but it's worth it ... and I'm sure the ladies will love it *evil grin*
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains."First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her,goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue! -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it ..in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being Manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to hisgirlfriend. She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it?
It's called "Blow Job's Revenge."
(= (=   =) =) | |
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Posted: 12/1/2005 5:20:53 PM | Life is all about asses
You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or behaving like one | |
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Posted: 12/2/2005 1:08:31 AM | | The Internet is a good place to socialise. | |
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Posted: 12/3/2005 11:54:13 AM | The Navy decides they have too many officers and come up with a plan to get a few to dismiss themselves voluntarily. Every officer who retires early gets a $1000 bonus for every inch between any two points on his body, and the officer gets to decide which two points are measured.
The first officer asks to be measured from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. He measures six feet tall and walks away with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer was a little smarter, he asked to be measured from the tip of his middle finger of his outstretched hand to the bottom of his feet. He walks away with $96,000.
An grizzled old war vet of a captain asks to be measured from the tip of his penis to his testicles. The Navy Command tries to get him to reconsider, informing him of the nice bonuses the last two officers got, but the captain insists. So they get a medical officer to measure from the tip of his penis. The doctor starts working back when he exclaims "Oh My God! Where are your testicles?"
"Vietnam." | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 2:09:39 PM | The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven
Dwarfs,
They are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey Leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
Answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns
Back
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope!
Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
The
Floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
"Dopey sc#$wed a penguin!"......
"Dopey sc#$wed a penguin!"...... | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 9:45:25 PM | Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.
Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.
Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Q. How come Mike Tyson’s eye's water during sex?
A. Mace
Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!
Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it. | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 9:49:02 PM |
Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.
Very very bad humour there ... boo  | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 9:50:52 PM | Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth. | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 9:55:58 PM | Thats funny and nasty casper lol.
Dont tell them jokes to my sister she,d kill both of us | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 9:58:20 PM | | Tinytim. Hmm wonder what is tiny? | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 10:00:42 PM | Wow skiddles didnt know you were like that.
lol thats pretty harsh.
anyway next post lol | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 10:01:58 PM | Well it is a joke thread.  | |
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PA!GE®
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Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 117 | |
| Jokes
Posted: 12/4/2005 10:02:45 PM | | and he is very tiny in stature | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 10:03:05 PM | Difference between joking and that.
anyway no worries tim people on here always push pass the joking stage lol.
you get use to it | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 10:03:14 PM | | and if you read the very first post ... it says you must joke here ... not allowed to be serious (I should know ... I created it) | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 10:03:48 PM |
Difference ebtween joking and that.
anyway no worries tim people on here always push pass the joking stage lol.
you get use to it
Like making an aids joke? | |
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| Jokes
Posted: 12/4/2005 10:04:03 PM | ok sure 
anyway have fun with the thread
was the same joke thing i get jokes from to post here all the time.
but thats life oh well | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 10:07:00 PM | It was clearly a joke since I haven't seen what he is packing. If I saw it and said that then I would be the b*tch you think I am.  | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 10:07:54 PM | | how more clearly did that need to be said =) ha ha | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 10:09:26 PM | | I never said your a **** | |
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Posted: 12/4/2005 10:10:03 PM | | she said that you THINK she is (read man read) | |
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