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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:31:40 PM | | I apologize if I'm wrong but to me allot of the clinical aspects being discussed here sound quite text book. There is a huge difference between DSM classifications and each unique individual suffering from a personality disorder. So many variables are possible. I find classification systems basically say: "ummm, hmmm, ummm yup you’re pretty much ****ed up" That to me as a mental health professional does nothing to help me find cause and effect and or ability to map associating realities or pattern of thought. I find it tends to hinder the mind of the practitioner. Although in certain cases for the safety of the sufferer it is very important to asses risk. And in cases with biologically derived disorders it can be quite concrete. But sometimes people who suffer from BPD and other personality disorders are able to have incredible cognitive shifts after traumatic experiences. They might have to lose something very special to realize their thinking and behavior are abnormal, abusive, self inflicting. It would pity to have to have a traumatic event just to cause such cognitive shifts. I found that from attribution theory and practices individuals can often have these shifts when they have a chance to view the effects or be an audience to their own behaviors. You know when you watch yourself on video and you feel all weird cause you think OMG I look so pale, I can't believe I sound like that? and so on. I know people with BPD can see their marriage and relationship going down the toilet and they know their behavior is out of control but their ability to really see it, touch it, taste it, smell it, hear it from outside of their reality is nonexistent. It's hard to go that deep with a client without befriending them or losing their trust and rapport. Has anyone had any experience in this area? or any advice? Or anyone who suffers from a personality disorder or has had counseling/therapy in the past for similar issues that have not worked? | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:59:21 PM | Yes
the are compulsive liars..... they are sensual and sexually stimulating.... and they have a pretense for love..............
they however will lie, lie, lie,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,move on..................................
if they do not get into therapy............................and take this disorder...........
they will make your life a living hell.................................move on my friend | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:41:05 PM | . I know people with BPD can see their marriage and relationship going down the toilet and they know their behavior is out of control but their ability to really see it, touch it, taste it, smell it, hear it from outside of their reality is nonexistent. It's hard to go that deep with a client without befriending them or losing their trust and rapport. Has anyone had any experience in this area? or any advice? Or anyone who suffers from a personality disorder or has had counseling/therapy in the past for similar issues that have not worked?
I have worked with BPD extensively, and I don't have a degree....so, I'm talking from experience with real people.....lots of it.
What you are saying is right on the money....
I'm going to try to explain this simply....I've heard a hundred different versions of what you're saying, but explaining it in "normal" terms is difficult.
About the relationship going down the toilet....they honestly believe thaat it won't happen. The thought of the "abandonment" is too much for them to bear, and reinforces the feelings of being bad, worthless....etc. They cannot accept "no" for an answer, and will double their efforts to keep the status quo....or they will bluff, and say that they are leaving....or they will blow their cork, and tear a strip out of the partner. They will use manipulation, sometimes of large proportions to try to stop the "abandonment." Suicide attempts/completions are common.
Getting deep with a client....that is a very hard thing to do with a borderline....they tend to be very distrustful of people, even when seeking help. This is due to the fact that they can't let anyone know the "truth" about them....the "truth" being that they are "bad", "worthless" etc. Some will die, before they divulge that information....which can make for very unproductive therapy. Name, rank, serial number, weather....they will talk about anything...except how they really feel.
I have obviously elicited this information, but it's a very tricky, and possibly dangerous thing to do. The client has to be far enough in recovery to "allow", even to themself, let alone you, the thought of being "bad", "worthless" etc. into their mind, with some amount of safety, or self harm/suicide issues are very probable. If the borderline has been particularly vindictive in the past, the risks increase. All vindictive behaviour is "justified" when it is done, as "punishment" for, often, very overreacted "crimes."
The more you know about how they think, the farther you will get. I am successful, because I have borderline "tendencies", and I can relate to how they think. It's like anything else, the more you can speak the language, the more information you will be able to pull out. The more "normal" you act, the more they will dummy up. Deep down, they know that they don't think like other people, and they can put on an act that would win an Academy Award.
This information is as close as you will get to the "thinking" of a borderline, than you would probably get, even from a borderline.
I hope it helps you to help your clients.... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:16:12 PM |
You have either dated, or married four so-called "satanically possessed" women
Please do not make incorrect statements I had married two and dated two!
Sorry, I just have trouble with very regimented people, who have no idea about some of the realities of life.
In other words you have zero tolorence for those who do not believe as you do? | |
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jaemey
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Joined: 6/3/2007
Msg: 305 | |
| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 12:01:12 AM |
I apologize if I'm wrong but to me alot of the clinical aspects being discussed here sound quite text book. There is a huge difference between DSM classifications and each unique individual suffering from a personality disorder. So many variables are possible. I find classification systems basically say: "ummm, hmmm, ummm yup you’re pretty much ****ed up" That to me as a mental health professional does nothing to help me find cause and effect and or ability to map associating realities or pattern of thought. I find it tends to hinder the mind of the practitioner
I think some of the things that have been mentioned (at least that i have mentioned) are somewhat textbook, but not most. Maybe i am partial to the textbook answer, i don't know... but since little is known about the disorder it is theory right now, until they can prove otherwise. The DSM is the best thing we have for diagnosing, and it is far from perfect, but that is where the psychiatrists come in.... to evaluate and determine if the patient fits criteria. There is more than goes into it than a checklist. Talking with friends, family, other close people (possibly teachers etc) and seeing the patient over an extended period of time . Each individual is unique, yes... and all personality disorders do not have the same criteria.
IMHO... if someone goes in to to see a doctor, psychologist or psychiatrist and walks out with a label.... they need to either get a second opinion and/or ask the doctor why he thinks he can do that without spending anytime to assess. I would hate to think that is how it works in some instances. Some doctors will not give labels, but sometimes the are needed for insurance or benefit reasons. A good psychiatrist will assess properly and set the patient up with resources such as counselling, addictions services, case workers, support groups.... whatever he/she thinks is needed for that individual.
If i understand you correctly...... you are saying that labelling a person with a mental illness by following criteria in the DSM does nothing to help figure out cause and effect, or get to the route of the issue? If this is what i read... then my answer is that a proper diagnosis will help get to the route issue... and can help find the cause and effect. It is a way to find out the best treatment... either medication and/or therapy. The psychiatrist should be doing this as well. If you are saying that it hinders the mind of the doctor.... are you referring to the diagnosis and treatment being limited to one box as opposed to many, simply because X was diagnosed and the only box to treat X is box X so we won't look at other options?
Has anyone had any experience in this area? or any advice? Or anyone who suffers from a personality disorder or has had counseling/therapy in the past for similar issues that have not worked?
I have been through much counselling.... what answer are you looking for ..... in reference to what? Sorry .... long night...
And i guess my answers are kind of textbook hey.....lol. I am not sure how else to say it though. I truly believe that we use what we have that is most advanced for criteria. If these systems and references were not in place... .what is our alternative. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 4:12:43 AM | I was not trying to disregard anyone’s theories or information. I personally feel DSM has its good and not so good purposes. There are some psychologists that swear by the DSM and others that will never use it. It all depends on ones approach I suppose.
In this field like as a science it is always evolving. What may be true today may not be true tomorrow. Jaemey I appreciate all your feedback, you’re really informative. Everyone has their opinion and I try my best not to disregard anyone’s thoughts or theories.
Once we believed religiously that the world was a flat disk. Also at one point in time the Earth was stationary and all planets including the sun revolved around the earth. I like try and find validity in the modern day Galileo's. Even though the lord himself said it wasn't so there were still some individuals brave enough to go against script, law, and even inquisition to put together the basic theory of relativity. I believe this is our alternative.
Thinking outside the box. I'm looking for unique answers something that someone has never thought of before. If you tell me the DSM can be consulted for the diagnostic criteria of mental disorder. It does not address the method of the evaluation or treatment. The DSM is less frequently used by health professionals who do not specialize in mental health. bla bla. I'd say great you copied that out of Wikipedia. But if you told me that the DSM IV is much more accurate if you read it while standing on your head then I would be very interested.
I'm looking for those kinds of answers. Jaemey you might say standing on your head and reading the DSM IV is completely absurd and would not improve diagnosis. I'm not so sure if anyone’s tried that go for it you might just find a revolutionary break through in the world of psychology. I hope you all understand the context of my humor. I'm just trying to say whatever your answers may be, I will accept anything and everything even if someone might think its completely irrelevant.
ps. Jaemey I didn't think your answers were text book but it's interesting that you thought so. Ha ha.. I'm just buggin, please let me know how the headstand DSM IV hypothisis works out. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:40:36 AM |
You have either dated, or married four so-called "satanically possessed" women
Please do not make incorrect statements I had married two and dated two!
Sorry, I just have trouble with very regimented people, who have no idea about some of the realities of life.
In other words you have zero tolorence for those who do not believe as you do?
I believe I said "trouble" not zero tolerance...I believe the zero tolerance would apply to you......that's where I have "trouble".
Very nice "selective" post....
Tells me more than if you hadn't responded at all..... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:51:33 AM | WOW - eye opener - I think I just got dumped by that description - 3 months - he proposed 4 or 5 times ( I said yes it's good -but too soon - long engagement? ) had a ring - every so often - when we would have a really close moment - an hour later he would say he hated me .
Day he dumped me - sweet emails in the morning - nasty one in the afternoon - threw my stuff on the lawn and then by the time I got there ( 40minutes away) loved me agian - and I didn't even do a thing that day ........................... so I said - no talking or back together, I deserve more respect than this yoyo system of yours.
Never again will I let this happen.............................. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:57:49 AM | | Unfortunately I've come across this more then once. There's no middle ground. It's all or nothing and the detachment and shallow emotions astound when apparent. No joke, they' ll love you one minute and the next your dog crap. Oh, and the degree of unfaithfulness and needing space is quite confusing. Be careful. This shit hurts people! | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:09:44 AM | I was told that I had Borderline "tendencies" when my Mother was dying. I was sitting in a psychiatrist's office, totally devastated by what was happening, and the psychiatrist was trying to "help" me.
I was giving him one word answers for everything that he asked...how are you?....sad....how do you feel about your Mom dying.....sad....
You get the drift.
He told me to read a book called "Lost in the Mirror". It's written by a psychiatrist, who shows a case study based on a composite of his "clients".
I read the book, decided that I wasn't gonna be like that, and have been working on my "tendencies" ever since.
I recommend that any therapist working with Borderlines read it, and also recommend it to patients, who can tolerate the contents. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:36:57 AM |
Unfortunately I've come across this more then once. There's no middle ground. It's all or nothing and the detachment and shallow emotions astound when apparent. No joke, they' ll love you one minute and the next your dog crap. Oh, and the degree of unfaithfulness and needing space is quite confusing. Be careful. This shit hurts people!
You sound like a nice guy, I feel bad for you.
Borderlines are very attracted to people with a strong personality. Unfortunately, on the days that they are having a strong personality, they want you to "bog off".
The unfaithfulness and needing space are on days when they feel "inadequate"....and sex is the ultimate equalizer....yes? The needing space came after the unfaithfulness....yes?
The problem was that you were "too adequate"....please don't let this damage your self esteem and....this is very easy for me to say, I know, but I mean it sincerely.....please try not to take it very personally. | |
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jaemey
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Joined: 6/3/2007
Msg: 312 | |
| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:46:07 AM | Papi...
I completely understand the point you are trying to make here and i can agree on the most part. Without physical and factual evidence it is hard to believe that we can diagnosis illness based on a deviation from the norm - baecause, really, what is "normal", right? BPD is speculated to be alot of things right now... where does it fit into the diagnostic table? Maybe years from now they will realize that it may not be a personality disorder.... but an actual imbalance and be able to see that in the brain... or regarless of where it falls.... be able to pinpoint the dysregulation in the brain function that causes it. Who really knows... although i doubt our generation will see that in our time.
I myself have bipolar. Interestingly enough i could not see the symptoms, even with my degree. I went in to get treated for depression just like the majority. Alot of times there is frustration because i have no physical proof of the illness, yet..... i don't really need it when i think about it. All i have to do is look at past behaviour to see the instability in my actions, and then look at my options if i go off of my medication. Hopefully in my time the research will be more prevelant to understanding and physically detecting where and how the imbalance occurs within the brain and through scans and such we are able to see the distinction between that of an average brain and one of bipolar. That would be an amazing accomplishment to be able to diagnos with that criteria.
In this field like as a science it is always evolving. What may be true today may not be true tomorrow
I completely agree with this, and while we have pysical proof for many things in science some are merely educational guesses. But really, how do u prove something like BPD? My other question is the choice that has been made as it best reflects the needs of diagnosis is the DSM .... it is the best thing we have (in my opinion) to being able to make an accurate diagnos. What are the other options? No one has brought forth much validation in anything else...... although i know each day they are getting closer to breaking through new research with mental illness, an exact science of it will take many hundreds of years i believe.
To me it seems fairly logically.... i think the the unreasonable part may rest on some of the doctors who don't follow the diagnostic criteria and see a patient once and label....
What are your out the box thought papi? I agree it would be interesting to see what people think. oh, and i also know you are just debating not discrediting.... no worries.... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:14:31 AM | hello just highlighted to me in thees messages were the ignorance and bullying that surrounds mental health issues. japhus i hope u didnt make ur wife worse u selfish man, cuterguy what a stupid belief mental illnes is a chemical imbalance in the brain, netatdatesforhumanshit, may i remind you that everyone is different! with or without it. ready teddy until you can afford therapyfind supposrt group nar you perhaps. i am ashamed, you people are [prejudiced if you had ever experienced it you would know that it is completely not the persons fault sometimes they go through hell on earth and they could do with out this shit, by the way i'm a scitzophrenic shouldnt i be out killing people and shouting in the street? | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 1:24:12 PM |
I believe I said "trouble" not zero tolerance...I believe the zero tolerance would apply to you......that's where I have "trouble".
Very nice "selective" post....
Tells me more than if you hadn't responded at all.....
Like I said you have zero tolerance for others' beliefs. I am so glad I'm leaving this site by the end of the weekend. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 1:24:20 PM | Awesome post diddypinks. I totally agree people suffer from illness they are not the illness. What I think the problem is that we don't know the answers and with relationships comes hurt, blame, and a search for understanding. I was with someone when I went through tough times. Illness and breakdown set in, exhaustion from all I was trying mentally to hold together. Basically I had a break down and my mind was not operating properly at all. That person loved me, they claimed they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me, but and the big but was they couldn't handle it. I asked many times if I were to have cancer and you knew I would get sick and things would be really hard, that there was no reassurance that I would ever get over my illness would you stay with me? See having Cancer was somehow acceptable because it wasn't my fault. But because I was breaking down mentaly not physically I should have control over everything I say and do. There was no excuse for my actions. Or is there? I'm not trying to validate my behavior. It was wrong and I hurt someone that I cared for deeply. I know myself very well and I have never treated anyone like that and will vow not to ever again. Now many on here have said I have heard that one before and the person just continues to be abusive and hurtful.
I left a person with BPD. I could not fix them and I could not tolerate the behavior but I tried to understand, I pushed for counseling together, I feel that I held on as long as I could. To me it was like a person with Cancer or an illness that was beyond their control. The thing was I stayed with this person for 5 years and they just got worse and worse. They did not try to get better or look for any alternatives the way I see it metaphorically is they died. The cancer consumed them and they died it was time for me to move on. I did not run away, I stayed and fought the battle for years, it even felt like it drained every last bit of energy from my body, but I stayed I loved this person for who they were with and without their illness.
I blamed that person for many years. I had trouble accepting what had happened. I was hurt.
The statement I'd like to make and have feedback on is that now my cancer is gone. I went to the doctor and I have no trace of mental illness, I'm cured. The person who left me would never take me back now though; their friends and family think I'm the most crazy nut job they have ever met in their life.
I'm ok with this I understand I have to move on. What I question is this, if you are married to a person that has cancer and they behave badly towards you, become insecure, abusive because they have pain, are suffering physically, and know one day they may die should we leave them? Should we say this person is irrational and out of control, and I deserve better than this? The next question is if you are married to a person that has BPD and they behave badly toward you, become insecure, abusive because they have pain, are suffering physically, and know one day they may die should we leave them? Should we say this person is irrational and out of control, and I deserve better than this?
I do not have BPD or any mental illness for that matter, and I was rejected because of my mental inability to cope, and behave rationaly. Am I then accountable for all my behaviour? What if I had BPD my behavior would have been worse and it would most likely continue today. Would I be accountable for my behavior if I had BPD?
When two people really love each other but they can't get it together, when do you get to that point where enough is enough?
I'm just curious to hear peoples thoughts on this. I know I jump back and forth with different analogies and examples, metaphors so I hope you are all able to understand what I'm trying to say here. Thanks! | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 6:31:14 PM | | I was married to someone who had a mental illness...Mostly seemed to be bipolar but had alittle borderline to him also...Now for my advice..RRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN As fast as you can in the other direction...Do not pass go, do not collect 2oo dollars just RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN....All kidding aside it is not a pleasant situation, you will always be walking on eggshells in the relationship, you will start to not want to come home because you will never know what will set them off...or if something may have already set them off....Seriously I don't care how much you like the person, or how good looking they are, or how much you think you can help them, your in for a very unhappy life when it comes to being with someone with a mental illness. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 6:47:45 PM | | Junipermoon, you are accurate and correct with your statement. Medications do next to nothing BPD as it is behavioural. There is no course of treatment that is effective. The addictions of a BPD (sex, porn, drugs, alcohol to name a few) cannot be stopped nor controlled and neither can their rages. They are normal BPD traits. A person with BPD should not be in relationships. Such individuals love themselves and are incapable of having a normal, healthy relationship with anyone. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:14:06 PM | | Maybe we could just burn them. it only accounts for what? 10% of the population or less that’s not too many people. I mean why have them around they are just useless human beings right? I'm being harsh I know and I meant that of course sarcastic. I know it's a tough issue; I don't blame people for saying run, and not believing in any kind of improvement. I have heard women and men say terrible things about their ex husbands that did not have BPD. Have you guys ever experienced someone with schizophrenia or with DID or MPD? For all we know maybe you’re the one suffering from BPD and you can't even see it or won't believe it. My ex was so sure I was the one with BPD she probably bet $100 000 dollars on it. I'm not directing this to anyone specific I'm just saying people have feelings. People who suffer from BPD or people with cerebral palsy. We can't give up on them because they can't talk, move, or regulate facial expressions. I do know what you mean though when I split from my ex I wanted to get as far away from her as I could and never talk to her ever again. But I think it was in my best interest and benefit you come to terms with who the person was and the illness they suffer from. I was scared to death to confront this person and have them bend and rip my mind into 1000 pieces but I had to for the sake of my child. I will never change her, I will never change her behavior, it's challenging but sometimes I look in her eyes and behind that cold stare I see a person, alone, scared, and in need of love. Believe me I don’t buy into it but I know it's genuine. Everyone deserves love no matter how evil they are. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:20:08 PM |
Such individuals love themselves and are incapable of having a normal, healthy relationship with anyone.
i don't think they love themselves. at least not in a healthy sort of way. they may try to delude themselves into thinking they can perform all sorts of heroics and achieve wonderful things. but they fear rejection so much that they go looking for unloveable things about themselves, project those onto others and go ballistic at the imagined slights.
The addictions of a BPD (sex, porn, drugs, alcohol to name a few) cannot be stopped nor controlled and neither can their rages.
this is spot on. and i've had enough of drunks to last a lifetime. and i can do without someone else's tantrums as well. perhaps they can get a handle on them if they really motivate themselves toward recovery. but that would entail admitting the problem. | |
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jaemey
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Joined: 6/3/2007
Msg: 320 | |
| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:13:19 PM |
perhaps they can get a handle on them if they really motivate themselves toward recovery. but that would entail admitting the problem.
This is the truest part of the statement. It can be controlled... only if they recognize and put the work into recovery, although it is a sad fact that more often than not the individuals cannot or will not recognize the need.
Papi... i will say that there are few people that see the flip side, and i think that it is great to see that in people as it is hard to come by...... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:55:07 PM | I dated and became engaged to a man who hid this side of his personality well. He is a well known criminal defense atty out of Dallas. He was great those first few months....then
We bought a house together and this whole other person pops out. He had a closet full of knives. A gun safe with 200 rifles. Kept a sawed off shot gun under our bed and one in the car. He almost shot my son one night when he was coming in through the front door.
He collected antiques. He filled a 6400 SF house with "his" stuff, and I had no place for mine. He got on me about dusting however I couldn't as I wasn't allowed to touch anything of his. It got weirder by the day.
Then came the sexual abuse. I could not shut our bedroom door so if my son came around the corner to go to his bathroom he got an eyeful. Then he wanted sex in the living room knowing my son was coming home from work. One day my son said, "you know I tell you to get a room but you've already got one, could you use it?" He said, "don't look."
I'm lucky I got myself and my son out of there.
He was one scary man who got creepier by the day. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:23:24 PM |
Junipermoon, you are accurate and correct with your statement. Medications do next to nothing BPD as it is behavioural. There is no course of treatment that is effective. The addictions of a BPD (sex, porn, drugs, alcohol to name a few) cannot be stopped nor controlled and neither can their rages. They are normal BPD traits. A person with BPD should not be in relationships. Such individuals love themselves and are incapable of having a normal, healthy relationship with anyone.
I have lots to say, but I'm starting with you....
Where are you getting your information?
I have BPD "tendencies", and have been dealing with BPD all my life with others.....
Contrary to what you are saying, and taking into account what Jaemy has said about research and advancements....BPD is personality oriented....the behaviour results from the common personality traits that have been attributed to BPD.
From what I've heard, Dialectal Behaviour Therapy is an effective therapy for Borderlines....learning new behaviour, and reinforcing it over, and over.....
As for the "addictions" that you speak of....I know a borderline who hasn't had sex for six years, hates to be touched, because of abuse..does not watch porn, ever, thinks it's disgusting..is not on any drugs whatsoever, except maybe TUMS...and does drink...usually a couple of beers when it's really hot outside...give him Baileys, and he will actually get a little toasted. Your generalizations are uninformed, and frankly, plain insulting.
What I just typed to you is what would be considered a "rage" for me. I find it's much more effective to communicate effectively, than to rage at someone and make myself look "crazy". I am typing very fast though....does that count as a "rage"?
Believe it or not, BPD's hate themselves....why?....because somewhere down the line, they have been told to hate themselves, or they've been abused and believe that they must be "bad" or why would anyone do that to them..or a parent has left, and the child believes that they are the cause of the breakup.
Can I have a normal relationship with someone? Yes...I know exactly when the "tendencies" are kicking in, and I reign them in quickly, and replace them with more "normal" tendencies. What is the secret of this-recognizing the tendencies.....I am actually more "normal" now, than some of the people I date....I help them with their "issues".
Have you looked up Borderline sites on the net, and taken every symptom as gospel truth? | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:03:24 PM |
Awesome post diddypinks. I totally agree people suffer from illness they are not the illness. What I think the problem is that we don't know the answers and with relationships comes hurt, blame, and a search for understanding. I was with someone when I went through tough times. Illness and breakdown set in, exhaustion from all I was trying mentally to hold together. Basically I had a break down and my mind was not operating properly at all. That person loved me, they claimed they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me, but and the big but was they couldn't handle it. I asked many times if I were to have cancer and you knew I would get sick and things would be really hard, that there was no reassurance that I would ever get over my illness would you stay with me? See having Cancer was somehow acceptable because it wasn't my fault. But because I was breaking down mentaly not physically I should have control over everything I say and do. There was no excuse for my actions. Or is there? I'm not trying to validate my behavior. It was wrong and I hurt someone that I cared for deeply. I know myself very well and I have never treated anyone like that and will vow not to ever again. Now many on here have said I have heard that one before and the person just continues to be abusive and hurtful.
I left a person with BPD. I could not fix them and I could not tolerate the behavior but I tried to understand, I pushed for counseling together, I feel that I held on as long as I could. To me it was like a person with Cancer or an illness that was beyond their control. The thing was I stayed with this person for 5 years and they just got worse and worse. They did not try to get better or look for any alternatives the way I see it metaphorically is they died. The cancer consumed them and they died it was time for me to move on. I did not run away, I stayed and fought the battle for years, it even felt like it drained every last bit of energy from my body, but I stayed I loved this person for who they were with and without their illness.
I blamed that person for many years. I had trouble accepting what had happened. I was hurt.
The statement I'd like to make and have feedback on is that now my cancer is gone. I went to the doctor and I have no trace of mental illness, I'm cured. The person who left me would never take me back now though; their friends and family think I'm the most crazy nut job they have ever met in their life.
I'm ok with this I understand I have to move on. What I question is this, if you are married to a person that has cancer and they behave badly towards you, become insecure, abusive because they have pain, are suffering physically, and know one day they may die should we leave them? Should we say this person is irrational and out of control, and I deserve better than this? The next question is if you are married to a person that has BPD and they behave badly toward you, become insecure, abusive because they have pain, are suffering physically, and know one day they may die should we leave them? Should we say this person is irrational and out of control, and I deserve better than this?
I do not have BPD or any mental illness for that matter, and I was rejected because of my mental inability to cope, and behave rationaly. Am I then accountable for all my behaviour? What if I had BPD my behavior would have been worse and it would most likely continue today. Would I be accountable for my behavior if I had BPD?
When two people really love each other but they can't get it together, when do you get to that point where enough is enough?
I'm just curious to hear peoples thoughts on this. I know I jump back and forth with different analogies and examples, metaphors so I hope you are all able to understand what I'm trying to say here. Thanks!
Papi...
You are jumping back and forth, that's for sure.....
Would you be accountable for your behaviour if you had BPD? Everyone is responsible for their behaviour. If you committed a crime, you would likely be prosecuted, and if you did it, convicted....BPD's are not insane.
About the woman with BPD....if she was degenerating, and wouldn't accept that she needed help, you need to protect yourself from going down with her....it's time to leave.
Going to answer your other question with an analogy of my own.....
My Mom was dying of cancer. She was being given drugs that relieved some of the pain, but made her psychotic. Mom would wreak havoc on the "ward" during these periods of psychosis. It was decided by the hospital staff that she would have to be physically restrained. During daily phone calls, and during visits, I would be told what a horrible person I was for doing this to her, how she hated me, how no child would put a parent through what I was putting her through. This lasted for about three months. That's when I ended up in the psychiatrist's office and found out I have borderline "tendencies"....Mom was borderline...surprise....
Like I said this lasted for about three months....I think I went to Emerg 4 times during that period. I wasn't suicidal, but I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Even though it was actually cancer that Mom had, I couldn't have taken the abuse for very much longer....I had it as a child, and it was killing me.
I hope I've answered your questions...... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/8/2008 3:50:30 AM | Quazi..Yes you have answered my question and I completely understand. I apologize for the jumping around one of my qualities and downfalls is I think to darn fast sometimes. I guess maybe I'm still looking for reasurance that what I did in my previous relationship was ok. I admit I still feel terrible to behave the way I did. I saw myself acting almost like a mirror image of what my ex with BPD did. It haunts my conciousness. I also have grown much sympathy and empathy towards both sides of the coin here. Both people who suffer from BPD and those abused by its destructive nature. I can identify with a lot of the posts on here.
What I was thinking is if people looked at it differently it may give some insight into change and progress toward treatment of BPD. Its so tough though as I hear more and more experiences from people it's like some of these sufferers are so beyond help.
Abandoning the crazy behavior of the BPD kind of reinforces the insecurities in us all.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom Quazi its a terrible thing to have to face. We definitley don't ask for these things to happen to us in life but on a positive note we can choose to learn from it and make better more acceptable human beings out of ourselves. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:12:53 AM | While I don't think that I've ever dated a person with BPD (that I am aware of) I am thinking that I've chatted with a few. Just now. A guy began asking me if I am ever "frisky". I told him that is the name of a cat food. So he asked me if I am ever "horny". I told him "not for someone who I've never even met. Grow up please". Then I blocked him. He was about 34. So then I got a message on my email for my website that someone signed my guestbook. I just looked and mysteriously someone wrote nasty stuff in my guestbook on my site. Hmmmmm.  | |
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