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| | Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)Page 24 of 37 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37) | | Dated a guy with Auberge's... Kinda a personality disorder, can't go out where there are crowds, and can't handle people much. dated for 3 mos, told everyone I was awesome and the "one" then one day he decides he can't handle a relationship as it involved to many people! End of relationship! Now I'm the " jaded" sort, and of course figured there was someone else. ( I didn't ask) but am sure there wasn't. We are still friends, but it's kind of strained. So, I guess my advice would be... a day at time, if you care about the person, hang in there, if it's to much.. get out! | |
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DTLL
| | Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 577 | |
| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/8/2008 5:00:26 AM | | Please get out now! The reason I am on this site is because my life was nearly ruined (and my own sanity nearly depleted) by dating a man with BPD for 3 years. I eventually became 'co-dependent' (counselling speak for too involved!) and after a year, he made me believe that I was the one with the problem. We tried counselling, AA (for him!), Psychotherapy ... you name it - we tried it. The relationship ended with Police involvement and I would rather spend my life alone that be involved in such a destructive relationship again! I published some of my experiences in a 'A missing piece of Jigsaw' (you can find this on Amazon - my initials are JK - I obviously don't want to give my full name on here!) Good luck - PLEASE PLEASE walk away before it's too late and you are also 'co-dependent'!! | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/8/2008 5:01:06 AM | A lot of these named "disorders" that are creeping into the language are controversial. Psychiatry is still evolving; BPD could well go the same way as other things that were once classified "disorders" even recently; like homosexuality, or PMT.
I was in a relationship with a great chick who turned out to have bulimia and depression. It was a pain sometimes when she snapped at me, but I put up with it. I treated her well and I think that helped in a way; but we both knew that she had a plan to go to South-East Asia to help out in a charity, so we knew our time was short, just a few months. If she hadn't had that plan all along, if I didn't know that she was leaving anyway, I don't think I'd have continued with that relationship.
Anyway, it's not a test of YOUR character. If someone is acting strangely and it's bringing you more pain than it's worth, then avoid. If someone is acting strangely and all in all you can tolerate it, hang around. Nobody's perfect, but there will be some people with faults beyond their own power to help that are too great to sustain a relationship with every candidate they meet. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/8/2008 7:38:01 AM | Love this thread, thanks for posting
I've noticed two types of responses, THOSE of people who have had the misfortune of dealing with personality disorder lovers, and those who simply chalk it off as ISSUES { Hey, we all have em right?}...WRONG!...If these are issues, folks were talking Life magazines worth of em.
BPD is more then simply an issue, ...it's not something that one takes with a grain of salt.
as another poster has stated, it does indeed have many levels/variables and degrees
and of course, please know that these people are indeed sick.
but the infinite patience that it requires, the habitual lying and heartbreak, the idea that everything that you have been told, was merely based on a game, and that secretly you are actually held in contempt, by the borderline
IS TRULY ENOUGH for your average person to pack your bags and change your Phone #'s
from my understanding, Most therapists do not like the idea of treating these people, since they can easily LIE, Even to themselves?
your average person might think OH I can help them?...Wrong, ...they cannot be helped, and the only thing they will help themselves to, is your soul.
One really needs to question, is it worth dating someone, who gets off on lying and making you feel badly, simply to fill they're deep emotional void?
mental illness, or pure evil?...I guess no one really knows. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/8/2008 9:54:33 AM |
the idea that everything that you have been told, was merely based on a game, and that secretly *you are actually held in contempt*, by the borderline
mykenj,
I think you're the first poster in all BPD discussions I've read, to state "you are actually held in contempt" by the borderline.
I found a loving and flattering printed-out email I had written to my ex-fiance, at the bottom of which he had written a list of horrible things about me, few of which I could relate to. The writing looked like a chicken had scratched the letters out with it's claw.
I confronted him with the letter and asked him, "How can you love me, if this is what you think of me?" His frantic response was that he didn't write it for me to read. Period. That was the closing act on a five year wonderful/ horrible / and bewildering relationship. At the time, I didn't know anything about BPD.
I could relate to a lot of the things you wrote. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/8/2008 12:24:34 PM | I can't stress enough of how bad this condition can hurt people
Obviously those with a oh He/She... just has issues attitude, has never actually had to DEAL with the condition.
and for those of us who Do/Have, It's a tough life, to say the least.
but on a realistic level, in a nutshell, people with this condition, can basically take months, years, ...EVEN decades! of a relationship ...and chalk them off as an inning...MEANS NOTHING!, Kid's No Biggie, Life together, So what, I'm bored...You get the point...It's a living nightmare!
This isn't playing someone, this isn't being the smarter person and walking away before you get TOO Involved.
This is humanity at it's absolute worse as far as emotions are concerned.
sad to say but many of us have dated, are in relationships with THIS pattern.
and many of us tend to blame ourselves, Some of us might even do something drastic and commit suicide do to the games of these unwell people { I assure you, it has happened, and ironically the personality disorder person STILL did NOT feel Fulfilled afterwards!}
It's best to step away, take stock in what you have { Concentrate on who you were before the Living ghost stepped in your life} and Know you are not the one who is crazy.
and by all means, Don't Think you can fix them...it's not possible
We all deserve to be loved, ...not made prey by those who hide behind smiles and Glibness.
Sorry if this has offended anyone, but it's difficult to sympathize with the Heartless | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/8/2008 12:31:29 PM | | I was MARRIED to someone with this. You are in for a life of hell if you stay, I am sorry to say. This person made my life hell (and I permitted it, obviously) for 10 years. He would be very cruel/vicious in order to push me away, then he would cry/beg/plead for me to come back when I would wise up and leave. (He had a history of childhood abuse, for what it's worth.) RUN, RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! These people are inherently INCAPABLE of having anything NEAR a normal relationship. You cannot, I repeat CANNOT, fix them. Psychologists say this is a very intractible illness. Get out ASAP! The longer you stay, the harder it will be to escape the situation. I am still recovering 5 years later...trying to make sense of what went on. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/8/2008 12:44:49 PM | Dear o n 66,
Can't message you due to your restrictions. The following quote made me feel a little more normal:
I am still recovering 5 years later...trying to make sense of what went on.
because I'm two years later (excluding the hoovers) still going over what happened...wishing I wasn't. Thanks. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/8/2008 1:59:25 PM | Sorry if this has offended anyone, but it's difficult to sympathize with the Heartless
mental illness, or pure evil?...I guess no one really knows.
hmmmmm very bitter words from someone so young.....and the closing sentences on both of your posts (among other parts) look like they are meant to antagonize.
Well it worked. You pissed me off.
I could go into the pathology of BPD and explain how BPD are not heartless, or evil. But I think I'm going to pass, because I don't believe that you are really interested in the actualities that cause the inappropriate behaviour.
You state that some who have dealt with BPD may be suicidal as as result of their ordeal. Are you suicidal? If so, go to the nearest emergency room, now, please.
What is it that you do for a living again? | |
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safren
| | Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 586 | |
| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/8/2008 3:01:30 PM | | i have BPD and i would just like to say im fed up with all these forums about dating people with problems i'm also physically disabled and have read the ones about that too why cant you all get it in to your heads im as human as you im just a little different this does not make me strange or worthy of your insults get a f*****g life and get over yourselfs!!! | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/8/2008 4:28:02 PM | I understand your "entitlement mentality", and if this thread is problematical for you, perhaps it would be better for you not to read it. The thread has a couple of points of value in my opinion.
1. To educate and inform Nons. I understand that those with this disorder are human beings, however, if someone understands what it meanst to be involved with someone with BPD, why would someone enter into a voluntary relationship with someone with BPD?
2. To validate and support the experiences of Nons, who have suffered as a result.
What I don't think anyone has as "goal" here is to hurt those who suffer from BPD.
i totally agree with this and consider it one of the most valuable comments i've seen on this thread. i know i've learned a great deal from the knowledgeable posters who have contributed. and those still in denial or in early stages of behavioral work may find the words here triggering and upsetting.
i think most of us, though, can appreciate the experiences and information shared here. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/8/2008 10:18:54 PM | Quazi
Suicidal, nah...I would be foolish to waste anything as precious as a life on the shadowless " Or for that matter, even another blinked eye.
and i'm a tightrope walker that teaches people how to take pictures of themselves in the mirror, Minus the flash glare.
Sorry i pissed you off, ...Now i won't be able to sleep | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/9/2008 9:36:33 AM |
hmmmmm very bitter words from someone so young.....and the closing sentences on both of your posts (among other parts) look like they are meant to antagonize.
Well it worked. You pissed me off.
I could go into the pathology of BPD and explain how BPD are not heartless, or evil. But I think I'm going to pass, because I don't believe that you are really interested in the actualities that cause the inappropriate behaviour.
Thank you Quazi, I thought the same thing but you said it a heck of a lot better than I would have.  | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/9/2008 11:39:10 AM |
Quazi
Suicidal, nah...I would be foolish to waste anything as precious as a life on the shadowless " Or for that matter, even another blinked eye.
and i'm a tightrope walker that teaches people how to take pictures of themselves in the mirror, Minus the flash glare.
Sorry i pissed you off, ...Now i won't be able to sleep
If you go back to post 573, I think it is on the last page, you'll see where I do "suicide crisis intervention" with BPD's...by e-mail....on a volunteer basis. I personally consider that "tightrope walking" with a vengeance.
This was also why I asked if you are suicidal, you mentioned "some" being suicidal in your post. I can also help "non's" try to understand the behaviour, because I'm a "non" as well as a BPD...I have endured my share of torture.
As far as my "flash glare" is concerned, it was done purposely, because I happen to like it.
Am I now the Devil Incarnate, because I'm BPD? What about being a "non" as well...I was tortured by various people, mostly as a child, when I COULDN'T escape....does that count for anything?
The reason I'm "allowed" to deal with suicidal BPD...or "nons", is because I have recovered sufficiently that I can sympathize, with their situation, share my own experiences (either side) and gauge where the problem with their perception is, and try to put a different spin on it.
You've had a relationship with a BPD. No matter what the textbooks say, they don't come close to how we actually think. They are a technical explanation of an emotional process. What appears to be happening on the surface, is VERY different than the actuality. When we "appear" to be heartless, we are actually protecting ourselves. No, I'm not going to explain it, unless you tell me that you want an explanation, and will not immediately dismiss it as "trash".
I understand your pain, TRUST ME...and I sympathize...but like I said, the technical explanation of an emotional process, doesn't take certain factors into account. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/9/2008 11:47:13 AM |
The initial view that the BPD gives to the Non, is mirroring, and makes the BPD appear to be the "perfect other". When the Non is discovered to be unable to "fix" the BPDs feeling, he/she is "split black" often, and demonized, but then "split white" often emough to keep the non "trying"...getting that "core" person, that perfect other, seems "just out of reach". It's crazy making to the extreme, and every non who escapes and returns to normalcy is a miracle.
With all due respect Renaissance Man, I don't get this paragraph at all...are you quoting something directly, or paraphrasing?
I'm really not trying to be sarcastic...if I'm supposed to be doing what this paragraph says, shouldn't I understand it? | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/9/2008 11:48:00 AM | I dated a young lady with BPD before, I'll admit she was one of the most entertaining people I've ever dated with an addictive personality, always new drama (even tho it was made up) and just general excitement. Not exactly the most secure relationship I'd ever been in and was a bit emotionally painful, but such is life.
It ended when I found out she was engaged, she cheated on me, became a stripper and moved away (yes... She really WAS BPD) | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/9/2008 3:49:07 PM | Quazi..we know you're an expert on being BPD and all, since you have recognized your own illness, but you aren't the least bit qualified to diagnose anyone on anyone else's mental illness. You make yourself out to be a "martyr" and an "expert" based on your own childhood experiences and manic episodes in the past... however, your own experiences cannot, nor should mirror that of strangers on here that may need real psychological help which you cannot, nor should you try to counsel anyone based on your own personal life experiences. Do you have a psychology degree? I thought not...you have BPD and can share your experiences with others. That's all...don't be too quick and arrogant to diagnose someone that may have something else going on than BPD..which is all you know based on what you have. The other person may have something entirely different than what you are not trained for...enter the professional, which you obviously aren't.
Leave it up to the professionals that are trained in the psychology field to diagnose and sufficiently treat a patient with any mental illness. BPD (like any other mental illness) , is a very dangerous disorder and needs to be diagnosed with the credentials of a professional, and not by a patient of an illness posting drivel on a public forum trying to validate her "expertise" and trying to tell everyone and their brother that they "have BPD" due to mood changes based on the declining economy/job loss or depression.
Sans | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/9/2008 3:57:28 PM |
Quazi, this thread isn't about you, nor is it possible in this format to go into all the ins and outs of everything. The intent is to touch on things, for those who are struggling to understand their own experience.
Does "touching on things for those who are struggling to understand their own experience" have to include calling mentally ill individuals "evil" and "heartless"?
And before you say it, I believe we live in a democracy, and since I have been discharged from therapy as being "recovered" and also by virtue of being tortured myself, I qualify as a "non", AND yes, I have in fact dated someone with BPD...I have every right to be on this thread.
If I'm raining on your parade, by trying to point out that the INTENT of BPD behaviour, can appear one way, but actually MEAN something totally different, I'm sorry.
My contribution to this thread has been so large, because knowledge is power. Read my posts, and what you SHOULD see is PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
If you want to take the text of your self help books literally, and don't want to hear actual experience, that could be a little less technical, be my guest.
BPD take things VERY PERSONALLY....therefore we dish it back out VERY PERSONALLY...but in reality we are OVERREACTING X100...so we're GIVING IT BACK about...95X harder than is appropriate....but until we learn what appropriate is, we don't realize what we're doing. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/9/2008 4:11:45 PM |
Quazi..we know you're an expert on being BPD and all, since you have recognized your own illness, but you aren't the least bit qualified to diagnose anyone on anyone else's mental illness. You make yourself out to be a "martyr" and an "expert" based on your own childhood experiences and manic episodes in the past... however, your own experiences cannot, nor should mirror that of strangers on here that may need real psychological help which you cannot, nor should you try to counsel anyone based on your own personal life experiences. Do you have a psychology degree? I thought not...you have BPD and can share your experiences with others. That's all...don't be too quick and arrogant to diagnose someone that may have something else going on than BPD..which is all you know based on what you have. The other person may have something entirely different than what you are not trained for...enter the professional, which you obviously aren't.
Leave it up to the professionals that are trained in the psychology field to diagnose and sufficiently treat a patient with any mental illness. BPD (like any other mental illness) , is a very dangerous disorder and needs to be diagnosed with the credentials of a professional, and not by a patient of an illness posting drivel on a public forum trying to validate her "expertise" and trying to tell everyone and their brother that they "have BPD" due to mood changes based on the declining economy/job loss or depression.
Huh?
I'll gladly defend this if you can get a little more specific..... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/9/2008 10:58:13 PM |
BPD (like any other mental illness) , is a very dangerous disorder and needs to be diagnosed with the credentials of a professional,
I wrote a long diatribe in response to the above statement - that got lost in internet heaven. The short version of what I wrote is that I bristle when people suggest that a professional is the one to diagnose this disorder. They (professionals) rarely get it because they are not involved intimately, day to day, with the BPD. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/9/2008 11:17:04 PM |
Hence my suggestion to not take it personally.....
Sweet.
For me, it was a PERSONAL relationship. Personally, it occupied 5 years of my life and my heart, 6 years if you count the almost successful Hoovers, 7 years (and still counting) the fallout.
"Don't take it personally" is the ultimate epitomy of what a BPDer thinks, feels and dismisses in the aftermath of a personal relationship.
sigh. snore. Get over it already. It wasn't personal; it wasn't logical.
I believe that you and other BPDers don't fathom the pain and destruction you have caused in those that have loved you. Your own pain does not absolve that crime. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/10/2008 4:01:18 AM | Having been involved with a BP, I will agree with you that "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is an excellent publication. We "nonBP's" are often left picking up the fragments of ourselves, having not understood where the yellow brick road was taking us, and are lucky if we can depart from the relatioship with the BP without severe damage.
When you give every inch of yourself emotionally and materially- to someone who is incapable of recognizing that they are destroying the very thing they profess to want, time and again until it is but dust... You damn near have to possess as much of the same intestinal fortitude to claw your way back to humanity.
Once again, Renaissance, you are on the mark.
-damoN- | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/10/2008 4:47:49 AM |
Hiya, Quaz... Kick them arses, and tell 'em where they can go!
-damoN-
good call. and i second it.
with so much expertise and so many common-sense suggestions for both bpds and nons, maybe writing a book based on first-hand experience from an inside view would help even more people...just a thought. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/10/2008 8:29:04 AM | Sweet.
For me, it was a PERSONAL relationship. Personally, it occupied 5 years of my life and my heart, 6 years if you count the almost successful Hoovers, 7 years (and still counting) the fallout.
"Don't take it personally" is the ultimate epitomy of what a BPDer thinks, feels and dismisses in the aftermath of a personal relationship.
sigh. snore. Get over it already. It wasn't personal; it wasn't logical.
I believe that you and other BPDers don't fathom the pain and destruction you have caused in those that have loved you. Your own pain does not absolve that crime.
Junipermoon...I'm beginning to contemplate your suggestion....
Renaissance Man...It you are trying to tell me that you and your education and experience can "read" what goes on in my mind to a certainty, and you sound certain to me, I will tell you to THINK AGAIN. Medicine and Psychiatry are not perfect sciences...I have seen things that "can't" happen, "happen".
My idea is to throw ideas out there, hoping that someone will benefit from something. Without prejudice....YOU sound like the one with black/ white thinking to me.
The passage that you explained to me was a very "surface" explanation...technically correct, possibly but very definitely slanted to make the BPD's INTENT very different from the actuality.
Lil Brooker...I agree that the average BPD does not fathom the pain and destruction caused...I do, and have taken responsibility for it. But that is because I built up the cognitive skills needed to realize how inappropriate I had been. With sincerity, I ask you, what would have to happen for you to overcome the pain and destruction caused by your BPD?
I am not trying to shrug anyone off by saying "don't take it personally" what I'm really saying, is IT REALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.....HONESTLY!
I am going to give you an example that only someone in at least advanced therapy could "do". A diagnosed BPD who has not done MAJOR work, does not have the cognitive skills needed to do what I'm going to tell you about. It is not a matter of choice they do not possess the skills to do this:
My boyfriend usually drank beer. One night he decided to drink liquor....Vodka. He was drinking it almost straight...with water and ice.
We were having dinner at the table, as normal, talking. I started feeling myself getting angry, and I was getting very belligerent.
I thought it was because he was drinking alcohol instead of beer...he was getting tipsy.
No, he had been much tipsier, and it didn't bother me.....
We continued talking....and I was getting more and more angry....I was close to screaming at this point. Boyfriend had had enough to drink, that he wasn't participating in the fight.....that was good.
Conversation continued, and I had control of myself, but if I hadn't been so aware, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't have taken some kind of action.
Then it hit me.....right in the face...it hit me.
Every time he opened his mouth, he smelled like vodka....I was getting whiffs of it in my face.
My Mother, who was an alcoholic, drank vodka....and while she was verbally abusing me, I would get whiffs in my face.
As soon as I figured out what was happening, I was fine. Boyfriend was drunk....didn't bother me..everything was ok.
I explained to him the next day what happened, and asked him if he minded not drinking Vodka when he was with me. He remembered enough, that it sounded like a good deal to him.
So....when I say...DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY....IT MEANS, THAT YOU PROBABLY WEREN'T EVEN INVOLVED IN THE CAUSE OF THE PROBLEM. | |
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