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| | Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)Page 25 of 37 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37) | Quaz, those are the very type of things that just got me split into black with mine. You (as a non) don't always realize the significance of those things until later. Had I given in to the various arguments, she would have won. As it is, she's pretty chronic, so it was a fight, anyway, but I knew enough to stick to my guns...
If mine had developed the skills to recognize what she was angry at, likely I wouldn't be here in the fishpond.
-damoN- | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/10/2008 9:20:31 AM |
Quaz, those are the very type of things that just got me split into black with mine. You (as a non) don't always realize the significance of those things until later. Had I given in to the various arguments, she would have won. As it is, she's pretty chronic, so it was a fight, anyway, but I knew enough to stick to my guns...
If mine had developed the skills to recognize what she was angry at, likely I wouldn't be here in the fishpond.
It has been a ton of work, but I can say that I am "happy" without the chaos and misery in my brain. It tries to come in, but I tell it to F**K OFF, NOW!
I'm sure there must be a few people who know that they resemble me...out of oh, 50,000 on the board at any time, there must be a few.
I wish they'd get help...it's REALLY worth it..... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/10/2008 10:18:18 AM | Quazi how did you get this positive stage? Books, intervention, what type of therapy?
Ahhhh......willpower, determination....help from people, lots of people...groups, individual therapy, even some friends helped. Therapists would get in the trenches with me, because they could see how serious I was. Explain things over and over.....Cognitive Behaviour Therapy was huge for helping recognize distortions in my thinking....I recommend it to everyone....BPD or not.
The secret for me was accepting "alternate perspectives"....knowing that I wasn't right, and taking suggested perspectives, and accepting them for the time being, and later, keeping them, or adopting a "new" perspective of my own.
The second secret....if things start to go badly.....it's TEMPORARY. Bad relationship, I'm on my own.....it's TEMPORARY....someone else will be along shortly. (that is a must for the abandonment issue). Lost a job.....TEMPORARY....not LIFE/DEATH. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/10/2008 12:09:28 PM |
Lil Brooker...I agree that the average BPD does not fathom the pain and destruction caused...I do, and have taken responsibility for it. But that is because I built up the cognitive skills needed to realize how inappropriate I had been. With sincerity, I ask you, what would have to happen for you to overcome the pain and destruction caused by your BPD?
Quazi – a golden question! I don’t want to hijack the thread and make it about me, so I’ll try to address your question as succinctly as possible and then possibly email you.
#1. Stop thinking about my exBPD. He invades my thoughts. Being on the forums, involved in these threads, probably exacerbates the problem, but even without forum involvement, it defies logic. Example – for two weeks prior to Christmas last I could not shake him out of my mind. Every little thing I did seemed to create an image, a thought, a memory of him. I’d shake my head and command myself to STOP IT! I’d erase the thought and move onto something else and BANG!, there he was again! Finally one night, after much red wine, I phoned him angrily and told him to get out of my head! He asked, “Are you thinking of me? I’ve been thinking of you. I’ve almost been praying to you every minute of the day for the last two weeks.”
I was in therapy at the time and I wonder what my counsellor thought of this. It made me look a little bit nuts. Ex and I had a strangely psychic connection and this statement comes from a very pragmatic me. So it goes in fits and starts. I’m free of him for awhile and then he invades. Occasionally he still tries to connect physically.
#2. Stop trying to figure myself out. Never did this until the end of our relationship (almost married, wedding dress in closet). You see, this was my second such relationship. “Why me?” In therapy, I answered “why me”, was counselled to recognize it, accept it and live life accordingly. However, I would like to be free of self-analyzing. It gets weary.
#3. Learn to trust again. I once was so trusting, that I was affectionately loved and teased by friends for being gullible. I’m at the opposite swing of the pendulum. I do not trust others, particularly men. I am hyper-vigilant in seeing red flags in all close encounters. Example, one apparently sweet man writing me on POF wrote “I prey upon you” instead of “I pray upon you” and I backed off slowly.
Most of all, I have to learn to trust myself again. From my experience, I doubt that I have the ability to discern healthy, loving men from psycho artists. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/10/2008 4:25:37 PM | Quazi is right. Willpower and determination does a lot to get into a positive stage. Before a BP can get there, they have to realize changes are in order. Won't be able to reach the positive stage if denial is still going on.
The second secret....if things start to go badly.....it's TEMPORARY. Bad relationship, I'm on my own.....it's TEMPORARY....someone else will be along shortly. (that is a must for the abandonment issue). Lost a job.....TEMPORARY....not LIFE/DEATH.
Quazi, you couldn't be more right. Once I learned and accepted that the "pitfalls" of life were only temp, the adjustment to a "life altering" experience wasn't so hard to deal with. I've learned also that if I "sleep on it", everything is much clearer and easier to deal with the next day.
What is frusterating with this thread is that most people view someone with BPD as damaged goods. I know life with a BPD is not easy and I'm sorry some of you went through hell because of BPD. But at the same time, not all BPD's are text book cases and have ALL the symptoms listed. Not only that, some BPD's have worked their asses off to control their mood swings, impulses, and such so they won't hurt others. Sadly those ones get NO credit for their hard work, only looked at as damaged goods. We all aren't cold heartless people. Some of us do care deeply about others and aren't self centered. We know what our triggers are and remove ourselves from a sitituation that is a trigger. We think before we react instead of react before we think. We talk out our problems instead of scream about them and place blame where it doesn't go. | |
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gxa
| | Joined: 7/3/2008
Msg: 608 | |
| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/10/2008 5:09:45 PM | I dated this girl who (due to taking WAY to much LSD) was schizofrenic. I didnt know it at first though. She was fun and we got along. we would go for bikerides and she would swerve all over the raod saying something about snakes every time there was a crack in the pavement. I thought she was just being playful. An other time we were swiming in this local lake and she abruptly stood up, looked down into the water made a horrified expression and cautiously ran as fast as she could out of the water and screamed Goats!!! Goats heads!! Dude its Satan!!! and tried to halt traffic to get some help to save me. There was lots of little things like that. sorta troublesome. One nite before going out I looked in her medicine cabinet. There was lost of stuff in there, the one I picked up was one I had seen her taking regularly. (Haldol) I figured i would look up whatever that was later. Then we went to portland. She drove. So we're down in old port, at this Mexican restaurant, having a drink, and we're going to play pool. I go land the table while she says shell be there in a minute.
So the poeple playing last finish up, I rack em' and Im waiting. Im bored so i break em a few times. Next thing I know Its been like 20 mins or so. SO I go looking for her. I talk to the girl she was speaking with last. ( This girl is drunk or a total fruitloop and keeps saying: " I love to learn, I learn the same thing over and over again....) I can see the girl I know having a conversation with her... Anyways, I ask the bar tender, he says she want out to the smoking room. ( this little semi outdoor fenced in thing. ) So i look there next. Someone says there was a girl here who smoked, paced around then climbed over the fence. I went outside and back to where she had parked. The car was gone.
A nice little adventure of getting myself home with 20$ (cab fare would have been 120+$) ensued.
Eventualy I got back to her place where my car was parked. i didn't feel like talking so i just left. I called her for an explaination later, and got a friendly we should hang out something response. She couldnt seem to even recall the event.
Later I was reading some mens magazine like FHM or something, and read:" Haldol: you know that voice in your head telling you to run? She can see him"
in an article about peering into girlfriends medicine cabinets. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/10/2008 10:16:46 PM | All wonderful things, to the degree that a BPD can control their impulses to avoid hurting others. That being said, I don't know of any qualified therapist, anywhere, who claims that a BPD will ever be brought to a point where he/she is capable of having an intimate relationship. Intimacy is THE trigger, usually.
Is that right? hmmmm I can tell you with certainty, that alcohol related issues, (Mom and step-Dad met in alcohol rehab) and control/manipulation (my family are huge on manipulation) being told that I should be "punished" for something I've done doesn't go over well either-the old "control" thing. (my ex-husband/family was big on that) get my blood boiling.
I really believe, that your information is coming from BPD's who may not have the capacity to examine the "true" roots of their problems. Like I tried to explain in my example, unless the TRUE root is a current relationship issue, the ROOT problem lies way back in my past, and HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
I left my ex-husband because he thought he was "entitled" (read narcissist) to more than we had, and was looking for the elusive pot-of-gold. He also truly believes that he has been singled out to live a life of hell on earth. He is still looking for the hand out he "deserves" six years later, is unemployed, and suicidal. Intimacy.....um, I don't think so.
Your knowledge is wonderful....and a huge generalization. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/11/2008 10:22:00 PM | Quazi: I can't be more specific than my last post. Please re-read it. Do you have the necessary professional credentials in the field of psychology (other than your own personal experiences with BPD) in order to counsel others here on a public forum thread? .....yes, or no? Answer the question, please. If not, I'll just go to "Headshrink-R-Us" for my next counseling session.
I work along side a licensed therapist and he's "cackling" about this thread when I mention it to him but he's a doctor, not a patient.
Sans | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/12/2008 7:52:10 AM | Sans...
I have no necessary credentials...I am planning on getting some, that way, I can be paid for what I do. I have had forums come to me, to ask me to help with suicidal BPD's...this on an unofficial basis of course. When a BPD has been abandoned...and I'm NOT saying without cause....by family and friends, another BPD is the best option to cut to the chase quickly. Kind of like a sponsor for AA.
When I was in intensive therapy with my therapist, there were many issues where he had "the tip of the iceburg" right....the true 90% was still under water. We would have to have a question and answer period so that he could correct any inappropriate thinking on my part, and I could fill him in on the 90% that was still under water. Then we would have incredibly productive dialogues.
That is why my therapy and "recovery" so very successful. He wasn't "Therapist" and I wasn't "Patient". We worked as a team. I give him tons of credit for taking me on, and even more credit for having enough respect for me to hear me out. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/12/2008 8:22:40 AM | Renaissance Man...
I think that I could skywrite messages, and you would still not open your mind enough to receive them. My ACTUAL purpose here is try to show that BPD don't have the cognitive function to know when they are being inappropriate. They don't accept blame for the inappropriateness, because they don't understand what they have done wrong, and/or admitting fault is akin to being "bad". Is it their fault? Damn straight it's their fault. That's why I decided to change it....I was making my own misery.
As to paragraph 2 I agree 100%...I have been in relationships with PD's, and believe me I wasn't in the PD role, I was on the receiving end.
"No one has credibly argued that"......who is no one? The ex-boyfriend that I was talking about in the "vodka" post and I had an incredibly intimate relationship. His Mother was jealous of how "you two look at each other" and wished his father had been the same. Our problems were solved by teamwork...same as me and my therapist. It was give and take, and certain things were avoided by mutual agreement, because trouble followed. No mention of "well I'm doing this for YOU!" We just wanted the relationship to work. It ended because his oldest daughter went back home to live after a few years, and wanted her father to herself. We both talked to her, but, I will only put up with so much.....
I say again, Renaissance....if the engulfment? and abandonment fears are taken back to the ROOT 100% of the iceburg, THEY WILL DISAPPEAR. We fear the unknown...if we understand what the fear is, we can tell it to make like a duck, and flock off....
My actual purpose on this thread is to try to help some "victims" who have grieved, try to move on with their lives. I have "spent" 48 years on this topic....you people don't have to "live" with it. Living well is the best revenge....try to figure out how you can live better. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/12/2008 8:33:01 AM | | Yes! My ex was definitely BPD if not a full-blown narcissist. Run, don't walk. Get the hell away from them and even then it won't be over. Don't get sucked back in no matter what. I suggest no contact, block their email/phone # and you may have to get a restraining order. These types do not like to be broken up with and there will be hell to pay once they figure out they are not getting you back. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/13/2008 4:19:30 PM | | There is no such thing as "borderline" personality disorder. You either have a personality disorder or you don't !!!!! Can anyone be described as being "almost sane" or "almost insane" ? Would you want to be with someone that in your opinion is "borderline insane"? Granted, there are sane persons that might have a "temporary insane" moment at some point due to a grossly stressful situation for example, just as I am sure that an in the case of an insane person, there is hope that they can have a lucid moment at some point, but who can predict this? Please.. all of you, at the first thought or sight of the other person's oncoming insanity whether it is borderline or full blown..... GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!!!!! and get out of the other person's life fast as if the devil were chasing you!!!!! | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/13/2008 4:25:47 PM | | Borderline personality disorder is a clinical name for it. It got its name - or so I have been told - from old naming classification as being borderline between neurosis and psychosis. I think it said that in the old classification, everything was either considered type of neurosis or a type of psychosis, the latter being worse. I think later term "personality disorder" was created and there are several of them. Also interestingly i have read that some characteristic of each are displayed by each individual in a unique mix - thats what personality is. It becomes a disorder when it makes your life difficult and makes you inflexible and gets extreme. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/14/2008 5:16:21 PM | Quazi: Thank you for answering my question with class and clarification. I can see that you are more than willing to help anyone with BPD and I commend you for that. I work in the same building with a mental health specialist that has diagnosed BPD's, multiples, Bi-polar patients and many other's with a mental illness. He wasn't laughing at you, btw..he was laughing at anyone that thinks they can "diagnose" a mental illness online without spending real time with that patient and possibly observing strange quirks, face gestures and overall behaviour patterns in real time...it may take years to diagnose someone with BPD as the symptoms start as early as 3 years old.
I had him read this thread. He's trained and qualified, no doubt. His first reaction to me was "Get off this website!!!!!!" LOL I then asked him point blank if someone can diagnose someone online with a mental illness without spending time with them?
He said "no"...then he "psychology bit*h slapped me" and told me that I'm fine and BPD's that have "attachment issues" will get angry when you call them out and post about you (thinly veiled, of course) for the rest of your natural born life on pof if they don't face their own issues..as is what is happening to me..ack!!
I'm just glad the dude (the therapist) is on my side..LOL
Good luck with your education, Quazi..I took abnormal psych in college and it ain't no picnic, honey. I went through hell with that class and I thought I could analyze everybody with every upset they had, every emoti0n that I thought was weird when they lost a pet or loved one..I was very, very wrong.
I wish you the best with your education. It's a long and hard road, but I admire you for your willingness to find out what makes the mind tick.
I prefer conserving our oceans and marine life no matter the cost. That's what I care about...and I don't give a rat's booty about anyone that thinks I'm 'unstable' or not. I have a mental therapist on my side and that's all I need. LOL
Sans | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/15/2008 7:57:49 AM | Sans...
If you can show me where I told someone "you are BPD" I will address it. That's a diagnosis.
Anything else is "your" interpretation of what I said.
This is a 26 page thread, and there's a lot to interpret.
As for your therapist, he can think what he likes, it has no impact on my life.
I've only read about three or four of your posts, so I'm really in the dark.....but it looks to me like you're putting some effort into proving that you aren't BPD. Why are you bothering?
As for "abnormal psychology", I've been living with it all my life...I'm expecting to see my family, and significant other's pictures on the cover of the textbook. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/15/2008 4:27:34 PM | Even though I am a health care professional and should have recognized it I have dated women with BPD or cluster b traits which basically means the patient has an Axis I diagnosis like depression, but does not fulfill all the criteria for an Axis II diagnosis of a characterological or personality disorder. Cluster b traits are still more common in women as is the full blown personality disorder.
Once on another site I said that according to pure statistics a guy in his forties who dates a fair amount, especially if he lives in a major metropolitan area is likely to run into BPD or at least cluster b traits...I got blasted and called every negative thing possible.
There is a lot I could say about this subject both personally and professionally. I will only mention two things about this, one how I deal with it and something so rare and unusually that it was almost written up as a case study.
Having been on the roller coaster ride before and believe Einstein's quote, "a form of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results," I don't get emotionally wrapped up in women with either BPD or cluster b traits. If I meet a woman and she is drop dead gorgous, very seductive, does or says anything in an attempt to establish "instant intimacy," or gives me that indescribalbe look, I run away as fast as my big feet can take me.
Some of you may say, "hey, you could be wrong and blow the chance at a perfect marriage." As Mike Rothko's book title says, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it." It is enough to say that having knowingly let myself get emotionally entangled with a couple of women and been on the roller coaster, especially the one with the abrupt stop, where she turns you off like flipping a light switch, I'm not taking any chances!
Between 1993 and 1995 right after my first encounter with a woman with BPD I moved to a town 50 miles NE of Nashville designated an underserved area so I could be an indentured servent and work off some school loans. My parents are about the same age and probably for that reason, historically, I have dated women my own age and when I was much younger date women older than myself. These days the closer to my age the better but since finding any woman with whom I might have an LTR leading to marriage is so difficult, I'll got down or up some...but not a women less than half my age who could be my daughter. Why?
Where I lived in TN and even in Nashville it was and still is common for a woman to meet and marry guys twice there age. I know, I can hear guys saying, "what's he complaining about, I'd...." You can fill in the rest. During the time I was there, having had liasons with women in their twenties (I was forty) it was weird. There is just something about trying to have an intimate relationship with someone who does not share your historical era so to speak. I will leave it at that.
I did date a woman who was 23. She was very atttractive, smart, sexy, and to this day, the funniest woman I have ever met which is one of the things that really attracted me to her despite the fact that she had major "issues."
She had rage attacks, mood instability, and was hyer-religious as well as a few other things. I had never heard the term hyper-religous before and did not know there was such a thing.
Towards the end of our relationship, if one could even call it that, she joined what some have called a cult. She said it was a religious organization and she wanted me to join with her. This and other things led to the end of our relationship. Just prior to that we were talking and she told me something she had never mentioned previously.
She had been in a very bad car accident when she was 17 and had had a concussion with some loss of concsiousness. She said that she often had tinnitus (ringing in the ears,) and "strange sensations throughout her body, sometimes as though electric current were passing through." She said some other things which I don't recall. A light bulb went off in my head. I had though that she had BPD. She had many of the traits and had been sexually abused by her step father.
I called up a collegue and friend who knew about my roller coaster ride with this woman. He is a neurologist. I told him what I thought. He though I was crazy. "You know how rare that is" he said. I said, "humor me." I think that is sthe only reason he saw her.
The day he sees her I get this phone call while at the office. My office manager said ntil me while seeing a patient which is unusual. She said, you will want to hear this. My friend was talking so fast and frantically that at first I could not understand him. "You should see this tracing." "I have never seen anything like this; it belongs in a textbook." "We should write a case report because of the presentation."
My roller coarser partner had temporal lobe epilepsy or what is more commonly known as complex partial seizures which make up only 15% or the seizure population. You have petit mal where the patient usually just closes their eyes and sort of flutters them and they have some loss of consciousness. Gran Mal seizures are what you see on TV and are portrayed more dramatically in movies where the guy gets the Old Sparky Protocol the electric chair. You need imagination as shackled hands/leg irons and restraints remove a lot of the graphics! Persons will go into a post ictal state for a time untill they are stable and unusable. There some similar qualities with all of these. There is a book Called the Body Electric which speaks of how the body depends upon electricity and the therapeutic reasons electricity is used in healing. Her "hyper-religiosity" as he clearly pointed out in an article on the subject which he pointed out in front of my desk gave me a new medical term! He wanted us to write it up as Complex Partial-Seizures mascarading as BPD. In the descriptions of complex partial seizures I had seen previously, there was no mention of hyper religiosity. No I have another medical term !
I was soon to leave TN and my colleague had other things to do, so the case was never written up. That is the world somethimes....borderline:) | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/16/2008 3:36:25 AM | Could someone post the full diagnosis of this 'Borderline Personality Disorder'
Are we talking someone who chatted online and then changed their minds?
OR
The full thing, where you believe you are meeting a several different people in the same conversation?
Reading through the forum - it seems that some do not understand what BPD really is and how to deal with it if they come across it. Like most mental health issues, there is a good and a bad way to deal with these people.
Mental Health is becoming a real big issue around internet dating, what you got to do, is take it all with a pinch of salt, its just words on a page till you meet someone face to face and if you are lucky they match their picture and their profile and you do get on, then you one of the very very lucky people in Cyber Land.
Just because people lie and put up much younger pictures dont make the BPD, they are just hopeful that they are going to meet someone who lied the same amount about the same things.
Like the 70 yr old who lied about being 50 and thought no one would notice, now he was just sad......... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/16/2008 4:36:31 PM | Sorry guy, but this thread got jacked about 26 pages ago by the obsessive observant who are trying to impress each other with their insight, and the usual BPD deniers/apologists -
if you want to get accurate information it's readily available-
The original topic was "ever date someone with BPD- " god knows where the discussion has evolved to by now, I quit reading long ago..
All I can tell you is if it chases cars, barks, and basically acts like a canine, it more than likely is a canine, and it really doesn't matter if the person gets diagnosed or not, the effects are the same..
Most BPD's are quite adept at avoiding and masking the behavior, they tend to move on when the issue finally becomes too much for them to handle..
and you probably won't be able to recognize at first the symptoms... they are quite charming and deceitful...
Anyone who has tried to make sense of the typical BPD unfathomable behavior and pretend it can be coped with or covered up are either lying to you or lying to themselves.. and this is just the advice I give to anyone who has reason to believe their significant other fits the condition..
get out sooner rather than later, cause it's going to end badly... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/16/2008 6:22:34 PM | I met someone online a while ago. After the third date we became “exclusive”. I thought she was the perfect woman for me. She was everything I could ever want and she absolutely idolized me.
One night she called me crying. She said that she just got home from her therapist. Her therapist said not to tell me that she has eating disorders so soon. She was afraid that I would find out and leave her. I reassured her that I would not.
Later I learned that she had been in weekly therapy for six years and in addition had to see a psychiatrist weekly for depression medication. I was concerned because she drinks alcohol and asked if she was allowed to while on the medication.
She asked me if I was willing to wait until we were married to have sex and I said of course I would. She told me that I was the perfect man for her but she wanted to have sex before we married and would let me know when she was ready.
Soon after that she invited me into her place and on that day she had an “episode” as we were leaving to go to dinner. She became angry that she could not find her cat (she locks up the cat when she is away) and looked at me angrily and said “this is why I don’t have anyone over my place” and basically stormed out with me in trailing in her wake.
I had picked her up at her place many times on our dates and when I went to open my car door for her she seemed angry with me and insisted on taking her own car.
When we sat down to dinner she seemed calm and happy and I asked her what all that was about. She told me not to worry about it – she said I did nothing wrong and it was her issues.
As we continued dating there were more episodes. She called every day and if I was unavailable she would leave numerous voice mails. She wanted me to stop going to the gym in the evening and said I should only work out 2 to 3 times a week.
She wanted me to not see my friends. One evening after work I went to the bathroom and did not take my phone with me. Her voice mail was furious as she assumed I was at the gym with my best friend. She seemed relieved when I returned her call 5 minutes later and told her I was in the bathroom and was home.
The bizarre behavior and extreme mood swings within short periods of time seriously concerned me. By now she would go from idolizing me one minute to absolute disgust with me the next. I questioned myself and my emotions were on a “roller coaster”. Still I was in love with her and hoped that she would return to being the wonderful woman I dated for months.
For Valentines Day I brought her 2 dozen purple roses (her favorite color), some small gifts, and what I thought was her favorite candy which I special ordered. After exchanging gifts and kissing, I took her our favorite upscale restaurant. Everything was wonderful until all of a sudden she was vilifying me. I took her home and was a bit upset that to me Valentines Day was ruined. She wanted to kiss good night and told me not to worry about it when I asked “what was that all about?”
Right after Valentines Day she called me furious about the candy I gave her. She went on for 45 minutes about the candy and how I needed to be more sensitive to her needs. I offered to replace the candy or find a solution to the candy issue but she went on and on and told me that I ruined Valentines Day because I got the wrong candy. Then she said she wanted to be “just friends” until she was sure that I could be sensitive to her needs. She said we were to continue going out and kissing but no French Kissing. She said she didn’t want me dating anyone else because she still believed we would marry if I proved myself. I agreed to her terms and the next day she returned to calling me multiple times and leaving all sorts of “where are you” messages until I took her call.
We continued to date exclusively but without the French kissing. Then one day I had business in her town and she wanted me to stop by her office and see her before I went home. I was wearing a suit and she came down to the lobby and we hugged and talked. We had to go so I walked her to the elevator and kissed her goodbye. As I turned a woman was walking toward the elevator and smiled at me as I passed her. Later that night my “GF” called furious at me. Apparently the woman was her subordinate and saw us kiss. She blamed me for the kiss and really “lit me up”. In defense I told her “look I can think of a lot worse things than her seeing a good looking guy in a $800 suit giving you a quick kiss goodbye.” This agitated her even more and she brought up how insensitive I was to her needs. She eventually calmed down and was sweet as she asked if I was taking her out the next day.
At this point I realized I needed help. I saw the EAP counselor at work and she recommended a therapist for me to see. I immediately scheduled an appointment. When my “GF” called I told her that I would not be available the next day between 6 and 7 PM and I was seeing a therapist.
I met the therapist and related the story as objectively as possible (I’ve been trained to do so). I told her I did not understand “eating disorders” and wanted help to “fix” whatever my “GF” was so upset about me.
Not long into it the therapist stopped me and asked “did she ever try to kill herself?” “Was one of her parents unavailable to her?” “Did she ever become anorexic?”
As she asked question after question I was shocked and said “How do you know these things?! Yes, yes, yes, but how do you know?!”
Then the therapist said “I have bad news for you. You cannot win this one. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. If you stay in this relationship you will be like a little boat on the ocean facing a hurricane. You will be tossed up and down and when you start thinking about leaving she will present calm waters and sunshine and you will be happy again. When this happens brace yourself for the next storm is about to hit you.”
Then she said “I have an assignment for you – get a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells” and read it before we meet again.”
Then my phone rang and the therapist asked “is that her? – Does she know you are here?”
I said yes and let the call roll to voice mail.
When I returned the call she asked how it went and I told her that the therapist wants me to learn about something called Borderline Personality Disorder about my reading assignment. My “GF” immediately told me to get different therapist.
The book was a shock to me. As I read the parts about non-BP reactions and behaviors I saw myself. As I read I was shocked in that it seemed like the book was talking about my GF. As I read the end of the book it was like the book’s author was talking to me personally.
I finished the book and was given hope by a story at the end written by a BP that admitted it, got help, recovered, and is living a beautiful life with her husband and family. Armed with the knowledge the book equipped me with I told the therapist I intended to stick with my GF. I now knew how to cope and work with my GF through this.
So I practiced what the book taught me and continued to see the therapist for advice and to discuss how to work with the situations. I was certain that if I stuck with this, my GF would recover and we would be the perfect couple again. Then my therapist said something to me that I did not understand. She told me I wasn’t in love with my GF. She said I was in love with the “mirror” that my GF was presenting to me.
I kept at it though. I did not understand the concept of “mirroring” because from earlier spiritual readings I associated it with something other than it was.
I kept at this for a while and was in the eye of the storm but as my therapist foretold, it was only a matter of time before the storm returned. And when it did it was far more severe than before. In one last ditch effort to save the relationship I made a fatal mistake for the relationship – I gently confronted her about the BPD and wanted her to come with me to my therapist for help. She was furious.
I finally made the tough decision and broke up with my GF. She sensed it immediately and showed me a fury I had not yet witnessed.
Yes, I dated someone with BPD. It was a rollercoaster ride through an emotional hell.
I did learn something through all of it:
“I didn’t break it – it’s not my job to fix it”
Ceij | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/16/2008 7:37:44 PM | Thanks for a moving story, I can relate -been there dones that and left - for my own sanity!
The book" walking on egg shells " is a must read-also saved me w/o going to a thearpist- its a life saver!
To many people male and fmale are so involvedin this kind of mental disorder with their s/o that they don't realize what their going thru- it pathetic that men or women have to experience this type of abuse!
I feel for anyone that lowers themselves to be a fixer in the case of their s/o's problem without reckonizing the problem of borderline personality disorder! especially when the others s/o don't awn up to their problem and seek help! | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/17/2008 11:57:22 AM |
I finished the book and was given hope by a story at the end written by a BP that admitted it, got help, recovered, and is living a beautiful life with her husband and family. Armed with the knowledge the book equipped me with I told the therapist I intended to stick with my GF. I now knew how to cope and work with my GF through this.
This is at the end of "Walking on Eggshells"
Published proof that it can be done. Issues can be dealt with, and overcome.
HOPEFULLY, with widespread information, more Borderlines will recognize themselves, and want to give up the misery the thinking causes. I wouldn't want to go back...my thinking was confused, and wishy washy (at best). Now, for the most part...I still have moments...I know what I think, and why.
Ceij:
You say in your post that your g/f was seeing a therapist. Do you know if he/she had ever broached the subject of BPD with your g/f? | |
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