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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/21/2008 4:09:23 PM | Sorry to dissappoint you but that's not one of my diagnosis. I just have had the opportunity to learn about BPD in depth. I have met people who are in treatment.
I just get a bit riled when people talk about mental illness but haven't educated themselves thoroughly. Their words tend to inforce the stereotypes of people with mental illness. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/21/2008 9:10:13 PM | I agree with you Renaissance Man, my recommendation to myself and others is not to even go there. That is because many BPD's do not deal with their issues as does Quazi. Although I know this is not fair to people like you, Quazi, but being with a BPD who resists dealing with it is insidious. Many untreated BPD's are actually extremely attractive people, and can change you out of their lives as quickly as you can change a shirt if you call them on it. Someone can make himself hostage to a relationship with a BPD totally voluntarily, albeit unknowingly. It hurts to end a long-term relationship and more so when the breakup is as full of head games and the rest of the relationship.
My relationship with an untreated BPD hurt me so deeply that I would not go toward that risk again. Most BPD's don't recognize their problems and refuse therapies or treatment. You would think you accused someone of being a child molester, the reaction can be so negative and aggressive. The all-important hurdle for a BPD is just recognizing it, because there are therapies that work. So, if someone told me she was BPD, and she is working on it, I would try not to take a biased attitude about it. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/21/2008 9:13:26 PM |
However, those of us who have recognized having been deeply involved with someone, who we later came to realize is BPD, know the reality of the journey one is in store for, trying to deal with intimacy, with someone who has a disorder where the baseline is that the person with BPD desperately craves intimacy, while alternately fearing it, and the constant turmoil that brings.
I have posted earlier in this thread about a relationship that I had that was incredibly intimate in every sense of the word.
I even described how difficulties were dealt with on both parts, because we wanted it to work.
The reason for the end of the relationship had nothing to do with intimacy.
Why can you not accept that an intimate relationship with a BPD is possible?
If you choose to not have a relationship with anyone who exhibits "issues" with intimacy, that's your perogative.
I don't desperately crave intimacy, while alternately fearing it...and it doesn't cause turmoil for me.
I was with my ex-husband for 13 years....not one breakup...no mention of breakup...no question of fidelity...nothing like that...zip, zilch, nada. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/21/2008 9:24:04 PM |
I applaud a BPD who is in therapy. However, someone with a personality disorder is unlikely to be capable of a "normal" relationship, regardless of whether she/he is in therapy or not.
I just described a 13 year "normal" relationship.....I am BPD...no excessive drinking, no drugs, no promiscuity....."normal".
Pizza and a movie on Friday night...."normal"
Why can't you accept it? | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/21/2008 10:41:30 PM |
I just described a 13 year "normal" relationship.....I am BPD...no excessive drinking, no drugs, no promiscuity....."normal"...
Why can't you accept it?
Quazi
I accept that *YOU* had a "normal" relationship. Will you accept that most of us on this thread had an abnormal relationship with our BPD partners? Eventually nothing made any sense.
My SO functioned fairly well in the big outside world. It was only within our relationship that he was bizarre, and that is why I would classify it as an illness that manifested itself in intimacy.
Unlike you, my ex had had various addictions that came in and out of his life. Promiscuity was constant. His last hoover? - declared undying affection on Tuesday and disappeared on Wednesday with another woman. Sheepishly resurfaced two weeks later, claiming that he had gone to "his dark side" because *I* had "triggered" him with an email. I am so glad he did this! I was this close to getting back together and had given him a book about BPD (Lost in the Mirror). All it did was give him the material to learn the lingo.
Interestingly, I found a letter today he had written a couple of months ago. "My heart aches for you" was his closing. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/21/2008 10:59:52 PM | More people fall into these type of relationships than one thinks. These kind of people with BPD can come across as quite charming and can have a lot of positive traits but can gradually become abusive, possessive, and occasionally violent.
There is a cycle to this kind of behavior:
1. A stage where the relationship becomes progressively more tense: the BPD person will argue, curse, become verbally abusive, check up on their partner's whereabouts to the point of obsession, so on and so forth.
2. There is a "blow up", which at first may be just verbal or violent against inanimate objects (punching the wall, etc.) but can turn into violence against their partner.
3. A 'honeymoon" stage, where the BPD person promises to reform: they say they will never hit again, agree to go to counseling (although generally speaking do not come through), and generally treat their significant other extra nice. They can also threaten suicide and other self-inflicted injury if their partner leaves.
There is also a fair amount of people--particularly women--who are drawn to guys with BPD who have what is called a "saviour complex", where they feel they can fix the person with BPD. This partially explains why women who leave an abusive relationship end up in other relationships where they are again abused. This is a grave mistake and the "fixing" should be left to a professioanl counselor.
There is a great book called THE ABUSIVE PERSONALITY by Donald G. Dutton that should be read by any person who has a partner that is BPD or has dealt with that in the past. The first seven chapters are especially helpful. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:28:33 AM |
Quazi
I accept that *YOU* had a "normal" relationship. Will you accept that most of us on this thread had an abnormal relationship with our BPD partners? Eventually nothing made any sense.
Absolutely!
I've had totally abnormal relationships with BPD partners.
I could probably come up with a page of examples of things that were totally off the wall...that really had nothing to do with me, but it was still my fault. Where I was not to be trusted, because I had......I have been a "turncoat, Judas, and disloyal"....oh, I forgot, a "little Napoleon".
I understand Lil Brooker, believe me. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/22/2008 8:12:13 AM |
I'd question the diagnosis in the first place, Quazi. In fact, earlier in the thread, you said that you were told that you had some "BP tendencies", which is not the same as a diagnosis.
I don't accept that you are BPD, and capable of a normal intimate relationship, because ALL of the literature, outside of Lineham's devotees, say it's not possible. Those are therapists who really want a "cure", who work with BPD, but no study has ever validated the anectdotes, that there is a true 'cure" for BPD.
Many of the things you've said on this thread, if accurate, would counter-indicate that you ever developed full blown BPD.
I've mentioned being a 30 year sober alcoholic? Statistically, one of my 2 daughters "should be" alcoholic, based on the genetic link. Yet, both were born well after I began my sobriety, and they grew up with me constantly telling them stories and warning them about the possibility of being predisposed. As a consequence, neither experimented with drugs, or has indulged in alcohol much. So, while they could easily become alcoholic, neither has.
Perhaps you entered therapy prior to BPD taking hold? I'm not sure, but from what you've posted, it would seem that you would not fit enough of the criteria in the DSM-IV to be BPD, despite having a predisposition to it.
You have said that I make this thread about me....I am now so that all the facts are in one place and you can refer to them
I was diagnosed with BPD tendencies when my Mother was dying of cancer, and she was psychotic, and BPD, and treating me worse than she ever did when I was a child.
I was diagnosed BPD shortly after my Mother died.
Before that I was diagnosed Bi-Polar II which was actually correct, but when a new Psychiatrist heard how I was talking... BPD-not Bi-Polar he officially diagnosed BPD
Along with the Bi-Polar II, I was diagnosed with several anxiety disorders, along with Chronic Major Depression....these diagnoses were not all made at the same time.
http://www.fortunecity.com/campus/psychology/781/bpd-dsm.htm
This site was posted in this thread by ENFPfor you....read it....there are nine criteria for BPD (not 10) and the individual has to meet 5 of the criteria to be BPD (not 7)
I have at some point met all 9 criteria....the most transient is "dissociative" (not disassociative) symptoms....thank God. If you'd like more details, I'd be happy to provide them.
Where is the word "intimacy"? Do I have problems with interpersonal relationships....you bet...especially with my family....with my SO's you bet...tell me where it mentions "intimacy"? It's like the other link that mentions "odd thinking". This is where "self help" books take "artistic licence", and "interpret" the criteria as they see fit.
Also to refresh your memory....BOTH my biological parents were alcoholics...and why not... Mom was BPD....Dad was Bi-Polar AND a Narcissist. I HAVE until I die, an 80% chance of becoming an alcoholic.
You will find, Renaissance, that I speak about what I know. I know BPD....I have lived it all my life. I do not champion causes where I'm not sure what I'm talking about. I hope that you have never really read the DSM-IV....because some of the information you attribute to it is wrong. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/23/2008 11:41:54 AM | Yes, Quazi..you have made this thread about "you" as well as the other mental health threads on here. It isn't about you, but we all know your history and how you're trying to change yourself and counsel others in the fact that they may (or may not) have symptoms of BPD.
I don't have to defend my mental health to anyone as you questioned before. I had spoken to a "mental health specialist" on two occasions regarding this thread due to the fact of someone constantly posting on a "public forum" about me when in essence, this person had been angry of a falling out that we had and showed her incredible classlessness on a public forum due to her own issues (and possible mental illness of her own.) The "mental health specialist" predicted that she would be very "angry" at me even before she ever even posted the first thread about me...he was spot on.
You have grown up as a patient of BPD, not a doctor. When "normal" people go through tragedies and life changes and exhibit behaviour that is different than what they exhibited before...does that make them a candidate for being BPD in your eyes? Or does it just mean they may be "losing it" during a one time tragedy and have been mentally healthy/responsible for the last 50 years?
Quazi, you're not anywhere near being able to become a qualified therapist and "diagnose" anyone with any mental disorder. Therapists are extremely neutral and never exhibit anger, nor do they try to project their "own" experiences to lead their patients into a wrong diagnosis, when in effect it may be something else entirely.
You are on a crusade that you will never, ever win unless you can treat and forget your own illness and stop projecting "your illness" onto others. There are many, many other mental illness's out there that you need to be studying and concentrating on...BPD is only one of a hundred mental illness'es, but you need to move on and learn more about the DSM-IV if you're indeed serious about obtaining a degree in the mental health field. It's a hard road honey, and harder when you have to "e-mail" therapy to someone that wants to kill themselves..you cannot counsel them on-line Quazi. You do NOT have the psychological credientials to stop them from ending their life.
Sans | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/23/2008 2:05:06 PM | | I wouldn't even go there. You're going to be with someone who is going to start fights.. depending on the mood they are in that day. Over analyzing everything. And more or less a surprise each and every moment. That's something to play around with. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/23/2008 3:17:11 PM | Sans...
If you've ever been suicidal, you would know that the only person with the psychological credentials to stop them from ending their life is......themself. I can talk until I'm blue in the face, and if they have decided that they are going to die, then that's what will happen. All I did was buy some time, so that the INTENSENESS of her feelings could lessen a bit, and she could think a little more rationally.
Who did I diagnose....therapists don't get angry....tell that to the one that threw me out of his office, screaming at the top of his lungs....my therapist used his own experiences to get ideas across to me all the time.....and who was I trying to lead into a wrong diagnosis?
I asked you why you were defending your mental health...you said that your therapist said that you aren't BPD...great....carry on.
Of the people who have posted on this thread, I wonder how many of the SO's being posted about, actually have a BPD diagnosis. These SO's are certainly being talked about as though they have been diagnosed. My guess is that very few have actually been diagnosed. BPD are not very cooperative, we kinda will do anything rather than be told we have BPD. So, Sans I really think that you're pointing your finger at the wrong person. If you haven't noticed, I have been encouraging BPD's to get help. It really is so worth it. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/23/2008 4:58:57 PM | Quazi...I've never been suicidal, but I do have a ride range of emotions due to different conflicts that may happen in my life..does that make me a candidate for BPD? Now, you carry on honey...lol
Again, you are trying to make yourself the "poster child" for a disorder that you have no business diagnosing as a patient. Hello?? You're a "patient", not a doctor hon.
Oh my, honey..I never have to defend my mental health to anyone sweetcakes..lol
I had spoken to a "mental health specialist" on two occasions regarding this thread due to the fact of someone constantly posting on a "public forum" about me when in essence, this person had been angry of a falling out that we had and showed her incredible classlessness on a public forum due to her own issues (and possible mental illness of her own.) The "mental health specialist" predicted that she would be very "angry" at me even before she ever even posted the first thread about me...he was spot on.
I answered your question per my prior post as to why I was "defending" my mental health. There is no need to ask me again if you didn't read (nor could comprehend) my prior post the last time.
All I'm saying is let the doctor's sort it out and you aren't one of them hon unless you have the 8 to 10 years of higher education to prove it...and I'm guessing you don't based on your prior post's, Quazi.
I'm pointing my finger at anyone dumb enough to think they can "diagnose" a mental disorder (online) based on their own childhood experiences without knowing what the hell they're talking about without the proper credentials to diagnose any mental illnes.
Sans | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:30:11 PM | Sans....
I am saying that if you have been given a clean bill of health, you don't NEED to be defending yourself to anyone else. You're NORMAL.
I think you took what I said exactly the OPPOSITE of how I meant it.
And here's some therapy for you....if someone else says stuff about you, there are things you can do. You can sue, or you can ask them to stop........
If neither of those are viable options, there's not alot you can do about it. You can't stop someone from talking about you anymore than I could stop the woman from committing suicide, if that's what she really wanted to do.
These things are out of our control.
If I let the stuff that has been said about my illness, an illness that was incredibly hard to accept, bother me.....I'd be in huge trouble.
It's someone else's OPINION....it isn't necessarily TRUE. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:34:12 PM | "A lot of us have, at times, gotten off topic ino a broader discussion, but it is REALLY getting off topic, Quazi, and you have been posting close to half the posts. Please, can you focus on the topic, and letting the discussion flow?"
And what do you think the answer will be ??
I gave up on these two long ago.. there is some dysfunction here, but I think it's ego based.. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:37:30 PM | I can certainly do that, Renaissance....
But if people continue to post incorrect information, or BPD bash, I will step in.
There have been some insightful, and productive (in my opinion-for the poster) posts made in the last few pages.
Stick to the DSM... and there won't be a problem. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:37:58 PM | Thanks Quazi for your post...this person is on thre "watch list" in another state..I work for a rich dude in Sarasota but his family lives in "her state" and is watching her like a hawk when she post's....lol
I hate that woman and will deal with her in due time...lol
Sans
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/23/2008 5:55:35 PM | I don't even know what NCD stands for.....
If this continues, I will go to the mods myself.
This is a form of discrimination, and attacks have been made on me personally.
I have dated, and spoken about my encounters with BPD SO's.
I have accepted blame, tried to explain, tried to help the "victims" understand that it is not about them at all. It's about the BPD.
Bashing is inappropriate...... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/23/2008 6:03:01 PM |
Quazi, you are "post whoring" and "hijacking" this thread, over and over.
A lot of us have, at times, gotten off topic ino a broader discussion, but it is REALLY getting off topic, Quazi, and you have been posting close to half the posts. Please, can you focus on the topic, and letting the discussion flow?
Quazi is held to the same forum rules as you, Ren - no more than 3(?) posts in every 10.
There are 27 pages of posts on this thread! Obviously some of it meanders around the original question. How could it not?
Does the "REALLY getting off topic" refer to the recent squabble between two posters? There are two people involved in the feud. I am interested in why you only refer to one of them???
Stop fighting girls, or you'll be sent to your rooms! | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/23/2008 6:56:25 PM | I have dated, and spoken about my encounters with BPD SO's.
I have accepted blame, tried to explain, tried to help the "victims" understand that it is not about them at all. It's about the BPD.
when someone manages adversity this well, it shows a great deal about their character, thus demonstrating that bpds do have the capability to handle a variety of situations.
i'd rather enter a relationship with someone who owns their issues and deals with them than have to worry about becoming a target for the damage that denial does. and that's the point of this thread. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/24/2008 12:56:52 PM | Quazi, as Sans said ... you have self-proclaimed yourself as the poster-girl of mental health problems with your pedantic psycho-babble. You seem to be all over these types of threads with a martyr complex. God help the mentally feeble people you're trying to "counsel".
you'll see where I do "suicide crisis intervention" with BPD's... by e-mail ....on a volunteer basis The reason I'm "allowed" to deal with suicidal BPD...or "nons", is because I have recovered sufficiently that I can sympathize, with their situation, share my own experiences (either side) and gauge where the problem with their perception is, and try to put a different spin on it.
Have you been officially designated by a psychiatric professional for this task or is it a self-appointed position to satisfy a "wannabe" desire?? Simply by "recovering" and sympathizing doesn't grant you the expertise to do so. If I'm not mistaken, being a nutjob isn't a prerequisite for professional psychologists prior to their chosen field of expertise.
Quazi how did you get this positive stage? Books, intervention, what type of therapy? Ahhhh......willpower, determination....help from people, lots of people...groups, individual therapy, even some friends helped
So your "recovery" has been with the help of a motley crew of various individuals. That would explain why you're prowling these "mental" threads like a vulture on a carcass. Your idea of therapy is a hodgepodge of people of varying mental capacities. 
with so much expertise and so many common-sense suggestions for both bpds and nons, maybe writing a book based on first-hand experience from an inside view would help even more people
I would hardly consider forum posts on a public dating site as being "expertise" of any kind ... seeing that such posts are coming from people of questionable credentials.
Sorry guy, but this thread got jacked about 26 pages ago by the obsessive observant who are trying to impress each other with their insight
Zonealert ... I'm thinking the same thing. 
A good resource to help you work with someone with this illness, whether to stay together or to get away, is BPDCentral.com
Trying to work on a relationship with someone with a personality disorder is to volunteer for a journey through hell You sure? There's 13,000,000 of us in the world
Woohoo!! BPD buddies unite!!  | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/24/2008 4:49:34 PM | Under Dr. Maslow's pyramid, safety and security (love) are primary to enable growth. So when someone that hasn't had that and has had that necessity denied and abused as a child they long for it and believe that because it was denied they aren't worthy of that love.
They will always try to capture that missed love through different venues to prove they are worthy. It's insecurity to the 10th power +. That's why any sort of critisism, abandonment or playing with love will trigger the past and cause very negative behaviour. It’s sending them back to when they where a child and defenceless when their abusive parent were controlling them. That person doesn’t know any other way to behave until going back and relearning the reasons and behaviour.
Cliff Clavin | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/24/2008 6:09:23 PM |
Quazi, as Sans said ... you have self-proclaimed yourself as the poster-girl of mental health problems with your pedantic psycho-babble. You seem to be all over these types of threads with a martyr complex. God help the mentally feeble people you're trying to "counsel".
you'll see where I do "suicide crisis intervention" with BPD's... by e-mail ....on a volunteer basis The reason I'm "allowed" to deal with suicidal BPD...or "nons", is because I have recovered sufficiently that I can sympathize, with their situation, share my own experiences (either side) and gauge where the problem with their perception is, and try to put a different spin on it.
Have you been officially designated by a psychiatric professional for this task or is it a self-appointed position to satisfy a "wannabe" desire?? Simply by "recovering" and sympathizing doesn't grant you the expertise to do so. If I'm not mistaken, being a nutjob isn't a prerequisite for professional psychologists prior to their chosen field of expertise.
My God, people are saying that I'm hijacking the thread....I haven't gotten this much attention in my entire life.
I have been in therapy for 20 years....if you like, give me a fax number, and I will fax you my diagnosis....that was done by a Psychiatrist.......good God.....
If you look back in the thread, I explained to Sans, that I was asked....very unofficially....by a forum to speak to this woman. She was BPD, and in crisis, and often speaking to another BPD can help the person feel understood.....again....good God....
Please find something better to do than fixate on me, and what and where I post....why do you care? | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:23:02 PM | I say you (Quazi 100) are the best thing for us people who need some help not a hand out I have a great life now but ten years ago I had not a thing to live for and want to kill me shelf about three times. With out people like you and other people like you I will be dead by now who had some hope for me and other guys like me | |
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