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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/10/2008 7:46:20 PM |
I WORK IN THE MENTAL HEALTH FIELD---THIS IS A PERSONALITY DISORDER--MEANING THAT THERE IS NO CURE(OR MEDICATION TO TREAT THIS DISORDER)--A BPD WILL DRAIN YOU- --MY ADVICE IS TO RUN!!!
Wow....a very strong message from someone whose profile professes her to be nonjudgmental.....
There is a "cure" for those of us who wish to recover.....accepting responsibility and consequences, for ourselves, and our actions, and changing our thinking and behaviour.
I highly recommend it....tough job, but very rewarding in the long run.
As a mental health professional, I don't really think that this is a productive message to be sending out to borderlines who are contemplating getting help..... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/11/2008 1:13:12 PM |
I WORK IN THE MENTAL HEALTH FIELD---THIS IS A PERSONALITY DISORDER--MEANING THAT THERE IS NO CURE(OR MEDICATION TO TREAT THIS DISORDER)--A BPD WILL DRAIN YOU- --MY ADVICE IS TO RUN!!!
If you really are a counselor, then you know this could be construed as malpractice! You can not diagnose someone you've never met!!!!
I am a licensed therapist and it really bothers me when people "diagnose" and/or treat mental illness using google or pocket psychology. Mental illness can be very serious and requires professional care. You wouldn't go to your neighbor for medical treatment, would you??? | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/11/2008 5:00:52 PM | Having lived through 5 years of mostly hell with a BPD woman, I agree with Counselor.
Get the hell outta dodge. They statistically WILL NOT get better, and any attempts to do so will just drive you bonkers in the process. Hell, 2 years AFTER the divorce I still get email/phone calls from the ex "Wanting to get back together" followed 2 days later by a court summons because she wants MORE alimony.
Some people are just wired funked up. It's not your fault. It may or may not be their fault. But the majority of BPD people will use you, chew you up, spit you out, and then even after its broken off become vindictive and still try to come after you for various things.
My ex's BPD was most likely brought on by being raped as a child by a family friend repeatedly, and her stepfather, and her mom never believed her until 20 years later. Not like she asked for that to happen, but I did not ask to have to deal with a nutcase either. Like many BPDs she was able to "mask" it until we passed the point of no return (marriage). Then the mask fell off. She used to pass her damped down episodes as PMS or such. Once we got married she had no reason to not do the "I hate you/Don't leave me" routine.
I was damn near bankrupted in the ensuing divorce after 3 years of trying to "make it better" and took a sever hit to my career by taking care of her when she went off the deep end vice doing my job. Nothing came of waiting it out three more years, other than her doubling her body weight and blaming it on me, and having to fork over pretty much all my stuff plus alimony for longer than we were married in divorce court. Of course, "none of this is her fault" according to her lawyers.
If you are dating/engaged to a BPD person, best advice I can give is to break it off. The Mask WILL come off after you are married, just how far is the variable. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/11/2008 5:46:15 PM | reading all the horror stories on this thread, i can understand why someone would run from a partner with bpd. i know how drained i felt in the peripheral encounter i had with one.
but, as many posts indicate, bpds should never give up on themselves. the behavioral therapy described earlier apparently has enormous benefits.
so, if you do meet someone with bpd and, if you really feel drawn to the person, do some investigating. do they realize they have a problem? do they really, really want to change? do they have the guts to do the work involved?
it can happen. these people can find help and lead fulfilling, productive lives filled with joy. if they want to do the work, they deserve a chance. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/11/2008 7:25:57 PM | Do you treat BPD?
Some counsellors won't.
I hope you don't....if you are a counsellor, your opinion about anything regarding your practice, should not be splattered in capital letters on a dating site.
Attitude is everything in your business.
I was extremely lucky to find a counsellor who was CONFIDENT enough to take on a borderline, AND treat me like a PERSON not a liability, AND treat me as an EQUAL, although I was a client.
I believe that the day we talked about my discharge, he was very proud of HIMSELF, as well as being proud of ME.
He did an admirable job, and I believe that discharging a borderline+ other diagnoses as "recovered-crisis therapy only" is gonna look pretty good on his resume.
Are you sure you're in the right business? | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/11/2008 7:41:00 PM | | Good for you sweethang100. As a disabled Vietnam vet I have seen the prejudices both against vets and, primarily, disabled vets (and I am sure others). It is heartwarming to see that some folks still have compassion and empathy for others. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/11/2008 10:16:38 PM | This topic is the first I searched when I noticed the forums on PoF.
I have read it in its entirety and chose to share a small part of my experience earlier in this thread. I still follow it and sometimes nod and sometimes shake my head.
Before this year I had no idea what BPD was. When I became aware of it I read everything I could get my hands on.
I was involved with someone with this disorder and only learned that by seeing a licensed professional therapist that specializes in the disorder.
How I came to this particular therapist may be “blind luck” or perhaps a higher force was at hand. When I first sought therapy I knew something was wrong with me and soon learned that I was exhibiting classic non-BP behavior and was involved with a BP.
Regardless, so I came to learn about BPD from a specialist in the field and through the reading material she referred me to.
I was in a “chosen relationship” with a BP. In the end I made the decision to end the relationship. Such is the decision a non-BP is free to make. I am still seeing the therapist for the guilt I carry for that decision. Yes I have moved on with my life yet the effects of that experience, in some measure, are still with me - more on that in a bit...
Now in all my reading and from many sessions with my therapist there is something I need to say here. The books “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” and “Stop Walking on Eggshells” state that there are BPs that recover from this disease.
At one time alcoholism was considered “incurable”, yet since AA, many do recover.
BPD is a relatively new diagnosis and there are many prejudices and misconceptions much like the scientific/medical community held regarding alcoholism prior to AA.
The easy solution for a non-BP in a chosen relationship is to run away. I chose to run away. My BP did not choose to face down her demons so I chose to move on and to face mine.
To anyone that does not have personal experience with this disorder and especially to those that may suspect that they are involved with a BP, I urge you to read “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me” and seek counseling from a licensed psychotherapist that specializes in this disorder.
I said “more on this in a bit”… In the end I was not equipped to go the course with my BP. I still feel some measure of guilt that I was not capable of being there for someone I cared for so deeply. I suppose that is classic non-BP thinking. I don’t even believe she was capable of feeling the same for me so therein is the non-BP behavior. Still I believe that should she ever choose to face her demons she can recover and find a full and happy life.
Run? That is the easiest solution for a non-BP in a chosen relationship... or is it?
I guess for me it was a matter of would my BP face her demons and take the most difficult path to recovery. I truly believe that if she did I would not have left.
I still ask myself if running away was the right decision. Right or wrong, it was all I was capable of at the time.
Ceij | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:15:04 PM | Ever date someone with BPD?
I WORK IN THE MENTAL HEALTH FIELD---THIS IS A PERSONALITY DISORDER--MEANING THAT THERE IS NO CURE(OR MEDICATION TO TREAT THIS DISORDER)--A BPD WILL DRAIN YOU- --MY ADVICE IS TO RUN!!! Well this appears to be bang on topic.
The thread topic is about dating a bpd, and this is sound advice.
I find it very refreshing and rare to find a counsellor willing to be candid with their honest opinion.
What really pisses me off now is thinking back over the years about every counselling session I ever went to with the ex that was all about 'saving the marriage', and 'dealing with her problems with me and/or the marriage', and 'learning coping strategies'. What I really would've appreciated is if a counsellor had studied the situation and just pulled me aside and levelled with me for my own sake. But no no no... the very thought of them doing that would be putting the counsellor on a level with murderers or something.
I am really getting tired of the attempts at censorship of the truth here on this thread.
Counselor06 speaks the truth.
You want some more truth from me too?
No?
Too bad.
Here it is loud and clear:
If you want to screw your life up, get in a relationship with a borderline.
Real simple. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/12/2008 6:00:44 AM | One thing everyone should remember is that all BPD's are different. Yes, hard to deal with, yes, but as a bpd myself, I know just because I have that label, doesn't mean I can't some day be in a relationship. It doesn't come out in all my relationships. I have many people that calm and soothe me, by doing nothing but being themselves.
Ceij, I really like your post, and don't blame yourself or feel bad.. (though I know its hard) & I don't think you ran away. I came to a point in my life, where I don't blame the men I was involved with for leaving. Everyone has their tolerance. I know they still love me, and only wish the best for me, but they just couldn't do it. Many of the men I've dated, have said, they wished they wouldn't had left me. Obviously now it too late, but in the last few years, I've wanted to be better, and I've done all I could to take a road to recover. If a BPD isn't ready for something different, having a relationship with them, would seem somewhat pointless. But me, every day, I realize more and more about myself and make the changes I need to function, as a "normal" person... (Not that there really is any type of real normal)
My advice to anyone is to educate yourself, and the BPD you are with, or may think you want to be with.... and communicate. It goes further than you think. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/12/2008 9:43:12 AM | Well now that we're really getting into it....
Joules....I came to a point in my life where I was suicidal, almost all the time...that truly is hell. The best thing about being "recovered".....I've changed my thinking so much, that I never feel suicidal anymore, I can hardly remember what it feels like. That in itself is heaven to me.
Ceij...I am Borderline, and I have had to separate myself from certain people for periods of time. This is because they don't realize how I have changed, and they continue with behaviours that are not ok with me anymore. Unfortunately, most of these people are family members. I cannot tolerate being told all the things I was told as a child, that contributed to my illness, any longer. I sat these people down, and explained to them, that I was different, and these things weren't ok any longer. They didn't get it. So I moved two hours away, and don't phone. I recently saw one of the family members I'm talking about. Everything was fine, nothing unpleasant was brought up.
Even though I am sitting face to face with my own illness, does not mean that I am "bound" to "enable" bad behaviour. And I'm talking about family.......mourn your loss, but try to let go of the guilt.
Counsellor....what you posted is inappropriate, you know that....so, if you must be inappropriate, would you please refrain from using the word "RUN!".....Joules is right, it really is getting old........
And, I feel quite sure I could go toe to toe with whatever you've seen, in your practice or read about Borderline in your books....I could probably tell you about a few things that you've never read or seen.
You have your opinion, from your books and practice.....your books and practice don't take into account for Borderlines recovering.....it's happening.....are you going to recognize it now, or wait until the articles start appearing to re-consider your opinion....I don't think you will even re-consider then....I'm glad I wasn't your patient. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/12/2008 10:00:06 AM | | Many years ago I met a guy who seemed really nice to begin with but after a few weeks discovered he was manic depressive, really on a high one minute then really down the next, in the end I could not cope with it because I would call him to chat and he would be really down, drinking vodka and saying he was going to kill himself then calling back an hour later and he was as high as a kite. It certainly would take a certain type of person to deal with this problem. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/12/2008 10:23:24 AM | what is up with " labeling" oneself??? On thinking about this question- haven't we all , at one time or another had a little , in varying degrees, this disorder???? The ones that are very obvious with BPD.... are just a little more on the edge, or out of the box, then the rest of us!!... just thoughtfood here.... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/12/2008 10:56:05 AM | Actually it’s more than “a little”…
On thinking about this question- haven't we all , at one time or another had a little , in varying degrees, this disorder???? The ones that are very obvious with BPD.... are just a little more on the edge, or out of the box, then the rest of us!!... just thoughtfood here....
The following quote is directly from the book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me”:
To one degree or another, we all struggle with the same issues as the borderline – the threat of separation, fear of rejection, confusion about identity, feelings of emptiness and boredom. How many of us have not had a few intense, unstable relationships? Or flew into a rage now and then? Or felt the allure of ecstatic states? Or dreaded being alone, or gone through mood changes, or been self destructive in some way?
If nothing else, BPD serves to remind us that the line between “normal” and “pathological” may sometimes be a very thin one. Do we all display, to one degree or another, some symptoms of borderline personality? The answer is probably “Yes” but not all of us are controlled by the syndrome to the degree that it disrupts- or rules- our lives. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/13/2008 11:04:58 PM |
Joules....I came to a point in my life where I was suicidal, almost all the time...that truly is hell. The best thing about being "recovered".....I've changed my thinking so much, that I never feel suicidal anymore, I can hardly remember what it feels like. That in itself is heaven to me.
For me, being recovered... I will be so happy..When the suicidal thoughts don't come anymore I will have reached bliss. I think the hardest thing for me right now is dealing with the suicidal thoughts. They are obsessive. They don't stop. I don't want to die, but I have reoccuring thoughts of that. I even still have outbursts, of... "oh, well I might as well go kill myself" Its really F'ed up.. you know... Having thoughts that won't go away, but you know that you will never act upon again.
I constantly have to keep myself in check and in control, because I'm afraid, the thoughts will overpower me. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/14/2008 9:32:52 AM | Regarding all the warnings "to run" from a BPD relationship -
Those who stay in a relationship with a BPD for any length of time most likely have co-dependency issues. As a BPD in recovery, this type of person would hinder your progress. From what I've read from recovered BPDs (A.J. Mahari in particular), the previous partner who supported the previous BPD dance of a relationship, will no longer be an appropriate or desired partner...unless, of course, the co-dependent partner also seeks recovery for him/herself.
So, I'll turn around the "RUN" message. If you are a BPD contemplating the hard road of recovery, you should also run from the entanglement with a co-dependent partner. As you recover mental peace, you will want mentally healthy partners. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:08:33 PM |
So, I'll turn around the "RUN" message. If you are a BPD contemplating the hard road of recovery, you should also run from the entanglement with a co-dependent partner. As you recover mental peace, you will want mentally healthy partners.
You're sooo right, Lil Brooker....my ex-husband is in the same place I was five years ago....he wouldn't put up with my shenanigans....but fully expects me to put up with his....I won't do it, and have gotten two "suicide" e-mails. I've told him, the next one I get, I'm calling 911 as soon as I get it, and there will be an ambulance at his door soon. He is working on a way around this.......
Joules.....I'm going to explain to you, how suicidality was explained to me. It's what's called a "safety" behaviour. Imagine standing at the edge of a cliff....one step, and you will go over, and that will be it. We (borderlines) stand at the edge of the cliff, all the time. If something comes along that we "don't like, can't deal with, won't put up with....etc." we are free to jump off the cliff...end of problem....we have our guaranteed solution to our problem.... therefore it's "safe". Because of our emotional make-up being so intense, sometimes we do jump off the cliff. The goal is to back, one step at a time, away from the edge of the cliff. Recognize that you are in a "safety zone" situation, and fight it......tell it to FO, then work on the issue....tell the "safety behaviour" that you know what's going on, and you ain't playing......
I wonder if it's really sad, to say that not feeling suicidal, is better than sex. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/16/2008 4:20:00 PM | | Quazi - Thanks so much, that was good insite for me. I never really thought of it like that, and noone understands. The thoughts come. A few years ago, I couldn't stay safe,so that was the problem, but now, its just the thoughts, I feel out of control and am afraid of doing something I don't want to. No one seems to understand thoughts, that won't go away. For me, suicide is not longer an answer, but I don't know what is. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/17/2008 10:46:25 PM |
Quazi - Thanks so much, that was good insite for me. I never really thought of it like that, and noone understands. The thoughts come. A few years ago, I couldn't stay safe,so that was the problem, but now, its just the thoughts, I feel out of control and am afraid of doing something I don't want to. No one seems to understand thoughts, that won't go away. For me, suicide is not longer an answer, but I don't know what is.]
The thoughts won't go away until you tell them to FO! It won't work the first time, but if you keep it up...they will go away eventually. If you really don't intend on doing it, tell your mind that it's wasting it's time, and to STOP ALREADY!
I never noticed this until a couple of years ago.....never even heard it. For periods of time, in my mind, I would be thinking...."I hate you, I hate you, I hate you". I thought at first that I was thinking about someone I was "angry" at, at that moment.
When I got into my therapy really deeply, I realized that I was saying it about myself! Making that go away made a big difference in my life too. It still tries to do it every now and then....as soon as I realize it, I say LALALALALALALALALA! Works every time. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 9/18/2008 7:34:10 PM | I loved this post cause....CAN we say, we want to do DRAMA ourselves when the MANIC MOMENTS are the topic of each conversation---- I have had a few BPD in my life as family and friends and even dated one which I didn't figure it out until almost to late- THEY PUSH all the RIGHT Buttons-and to make matters worse, I have an identical twin sister who is severely affected with this disease. Hers, according to the Medical Specialist was the results of two brains unevenly distributed when the egg split....I am thankful
to be ordinary....YOU would think after 40 years loving my sister---- I would have spotted the similairities in her character and theirs.....
Oh Well----We are indeed blessed if we normal---and everyone has their own unique set of issues to be challenged by--- | |
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--MY ADVICE IS TO RUN!!!
