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| | Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)Page 34 of 37 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37) | I've touched on this before in this thread, and I will try to expand on it now.....
Borderlines have been abused as children....probably in many ways....probably by another Borderline. As children, they cannot respond to whatever....we'll say verbal abuse that is being piled on them. Even if they tried, it wouldn't be worth it....that would be feeding the fire.
I have been having difficulty recently with the word "problem". I was called a "problem" ever since I can remember.
I just recently returned to college.....because of my mental illness, I have been called a "problem" three times.
Just a couple of years ago, I probably would have reacted the first time, flown into a rage, and gotten myself kicked out of school...because I couldn't fight back as a child.
Since my borderline is mostly under control now, I gritted my teeth, and kept my mouth shut. But it took an emotional toll on me later....I have been very angry.
When I talk to people, I try to stay away from general words....a person as a "problem" stupid, dumb, ***hole, idiot, CRAZY......those are just a few....also phrases that previous SO's used.
Chances are, if you can stay away from the "common" words, you can say what you want to say without directly hitting a nerve.
I have a large vocabulary, and this is a large part of the reason, I've been "politically correcting" myself for years out of self preservation. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/6/2008 6:21:51 PM | Quazi: I commend you on putting yourself out there when others are calling you a "problem" when it's clear that you're trying to corral your disorder in social situations by recognizing what you so want to say to people that call you stupid or crazy, but won't say it. Your above post took a lot of courage and I never,ever congratulate anyone on their posts but what you conveyed about yourself in all of your vulnerability earned my respect.
And you're not a "problem" at all. I was told that more times than I can count as a child as well as being told I was stupid, worthless, and crazy. Yeah..I was only three at that point. Whoa!!! How can ya be that worthless at age three?? yikes!!!
Anyway, for what it's worth I just wanted to extend a public apology to you and don't let anyone ever tell you that you're a "problem" again, okay? You're dealing with your disorder just fine. I just wish I could deal with mine as well but I can't right now. It's too fresh of a realization. I have all of the symtoms of BPD hands down, no question about it. Hold your tongue and deal with the problem at the college in a diplomatic way. I know, I know..it's hard as hell..I have the rage of a King Cobra because I was never allowed to express anger when I was a child...now it's coming out in flows of rage when anything or anyone gets in my way!! Yowza!!!! I didn't know I could get mad enough to throw my cell phone against the wall as well as a teflon pot at the same time. Is that multi-tasking or what??? LOL
Sans | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/6/2008 7:01:25 PM | Furthermore, I won't live like this one more day. I'm tired..so, so very tired..of hurting my friends and my family. They don't deserve it..they never did.
I'm so, so very sorry for the pain that I caused the people that I love the most and you know who you are. I know someone that can help me and he's right across the hall from where I work. Getting help is the first step to recovery and I'm actually going to have to "convince" a mental heath specialist that I have BPD..the dude thought I was normal all along..a BPD is a true master of deception as it's all we know..normality was not an option for me as I was never, ever given that choice.
I'm seeking help not for my own sanity but for the sanity of those that have loved me unconditionally in the past. I love you more than you can imagine.
Sans | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/6/2008 7:23:51 PM | Sans: Thanks for the apology, and I accept it gladly.
Congratulations on your admission of having the symptoms of BPD. That was the hardest part for me.
I've stopped raging. I realized what I was doing to MYSELF by raging. Wasting way too much energy for no good reason.
I still get angry...I've just learned to cap it at a certain level...this didn't happen over night of course.
The people who called me a "problem" were told that I didn't appreciate it, but I managed to do it in such a way, that they apologized, and hopefully realized that sometimes their choice of words could be insensitive.....to anyone, not just someone with BPD.
You've just jumped the first hurdle.....realization....that is huge in itself. I realize how huge it is....
You may have written yourself a ticket for a much better life....give yourself time to get used to the idea, it was actually scary for me. I was used to yelling and screaming.
Every time I handled a situation well, and saw how people reacted differently to me, with respect, I knew I was doing the right thing.
I'm not trying to lecture here, I know how scary the realization is....but it'll be okay.
Quazi | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/6/2008 7:58:22 PM | Quazi: You don't understand..it won't be okay. It will never be okay unless I can fix this..and I will.
My family is holding me in the highest regards. I can't tell them that I'm mentally ill. I'm a part of "Homeland Security" for the United States for god's sake. I've been fingerprinted, gone through a background check and I'm up for security clearance..yeah, what a joke. And you want me protecting your borders?!?! I think not. lol I won't be protecting anyone's borders if the United States Coast Guard gets a whiff of this post. I'll be out on my a$$ by 0800 hours if sector St. Pete, Florida reads this..shhhhhh, k? lol
Thank you for your kind words..I can only do the best I can and so can you..you go, girl. I'll fix me one way or another and you can take that to the bank.
I trust you, and I don't trust many people, my friend.
Sans | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/6/2008 8:09:25 PM | I met a man on this website six years ago. We were married after five years of dating. Between BPD and the perpetual lying a divorce has now been filed. Run, and run fast. My husband strangled me because I came home from work and tried to fix the toilet.
Even with psych help BPD persons will never be a SAFE person to be in a relationship with for any amount of time.
Spend $250.00 and hire a private investigator. The things you will learn will scare you away from this person. Mine was in prison for stalking, attempted murder, etc. He lies scams, cheats, stole from my son, etc.
If I can help even one person to not have to deal with this, maybe all I have gone through will be worth it.
Lots of luck, | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/6/2008 8:10:25 PM | Crap!! My bad, Quazi! You live in Canada...ack!!
I can't even legally protect your borders anyway..
Ah, well! But I would if you had a tiff with another country that was bothering you..just say the word and I'll friggin' kick their ass!!!!
Yeah.. I still have anger management problems, but ya can't help but love me...lol
Sans | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/6/2008 8:49:34 PM | In no way do I want to be perceived as making light of mental illness, but... ever since completing a course teaching special needs children, I have self-diagnosed everything from ADD to fetal alcohol effects! (of course, I've since realized I couldn't possibly be but 100% normal? don't know 'bout that... but then, who is?) I was even wondering if maybe I have BPD as I read thru this thread topic 
I also tend to wonder about people I meet when something about them doesn't seem quite right, y'know? Especially when you get to know someone more and more and their behaviour is a bit outta whack. I find myself wondering, some kind of borderline personality disorder? (and this is before I even knew what it was!), OCD? slightly schizo? (my apologies to people with this, not making light of it; my cousin had schizophrenia and committed suicide--I know it's a serious illness...). You just wonder about people and know they must have "something".
I don't believe there is such thing "normal". One person's need to colour coordinate their closet is another's "cuckoo" (only example I could think of, but we all know these types of people... we think, okaaay, and they're like, "that IS normal!" ) I think all our quirks and idiosyncrasies make us varying degrees of normal. And some of us are just plain weird  | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/6/2008 9:10:52 PM |
I also tend to wonder about people I meet when something about them doesn't seem quite right, y'know? Especially when you get to know someone more and more and their behaviour is a bit outta whack. I find myself wondering, some kind of borderline personality disorder? (and this is before I even knew what it was!), OCD? slightly schizo? (my apologies to people with this, not making light of it; my cousin had schizophrenia and committed suicide--I know it's a serious illness...). You just wonder about people and know they must have "something".
Borderline is actually an "emotional dysregulation"...meaning, our emotions aren't regular. They're all over the map....all the time.
Everyone has dysregulations in their emotions, depending on what experiences they've had in their lives.
The degree of dysregulation is the important part.
If you sob a bit when your best friend gets married...that's a little emotional...if you wail, and lay on the floor pounding your fists, and kicking your feet, that's dysregular.
Your cousin committing suicide could be your answer for why you self-diagnose everything. His suicide would have been a shock (most are) and you're trying to anticipate people's mental conditions, and their "chances" of committing suicide.
Suicide is a horrible "surprise" and your mind is trying to make sure you never get "surprised" like that again.
I'm not a Doctor, but my Dad and cousin committed suicide, and I can see where you would start self-diagnosing after taking a course. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/6/2008 11:32:28 PM | I can't say I'm surprised by all the negative recent posts, but I guess alot of people don't read threads all thru.. (I do realize this one is long)
But I was asking questions, because... I want to date again.
I am a BPD. I am much more than that... but, that is a label that I wear... because I've come to terms with it.. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/7/2008 8:31:25 AM | Joules....
You're ready to date again....that's great!
You've got tons of good information on this thread to help you. Even the negative posts can help....they show you what NOT to do...ever.
If you haven't socialized in a while, your social skills may be a little rusty....but you'll get over that quickly....have some fun!
Oh do you have any duct tape? If not, go buy some....and use it to cover that damned label....... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/7/2008 4:07:40 PM | Thanks for making me laugh...
:) you are great! :)
Yes, the negativity does help, to an extent.... but for as much of my life, that I KNEW that negative thinking, only breeds more negativity... I never believe it...
Until, I went thru a change in my life.
I think, regardless, the more I learn about BPD, the more I cope and help the ones that love me. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/9/2008 2:11:35 AM | | sans and quazi Iknow from reading through this thread and others regarding BPD as you know I have posted my story.what I would like to know is the ages when it was discovered or been told about it that you have.and further more I have read some where on the net. That people who usually suffer from this disorder in their younger ages they tend to live out of it by the age 45 and onwards is that true I don't have the illness but my ex has.And I can say that i have been helping her a lot when she is down financially.But some times I feel that I am not been appreciated and I feel what ever I do for her that I owe it to her.Thats how she makes me feel.I mean she does say thank you but I can feel it.it is only from the surface not from the heart,then it makes me feel that I am been used.I try explaining my feelings to her but she just stands there and say nothing.And further more I have read an article that BPD,Are a master of deception well you the hit the nail on it's head bulls eye.Thats how I have been feeling,and it comes in cycles I some times do predict when it is going to happen.Like i mentioned before we had 20 year relation ship an d in the last 13 years it was like a roller coaster.She did leave us with no reason 28 times and i always took her back hoping that our relation will get better. It does in the first three weeks then back to the usual destruction.Then I was able to predict when she is to leave us again.Some times it became like a pattern every school holidays she used to call me on my mobile and say I'm not coming home.Then i say what about the children,who is going to pick them up from school.She then says for me to do it.After a while I have got used to it.Then i have to give up my work and stay home looking after the children the first she left my youngest son was six months old,that time he was in day care center .Then the cycle continued for the rest 13 years.Is it true that desertion happens in a cycle like she did.I don't know I guess I've yet to find the answer. I would like to know wether it is ,or not from the people who suffer from this illness.In the last 15 months I have been doing a lot of reading from the net regarding this illness I have the utmost sympathy thoughts and feeling to the people who lives in this illness I know they did not bring it upon to them selves by choice but been raised in the environment that led them to suffer this destructive illness.I hear of people once you hear a person is suffering from this illness to run away as fast as you can,how ill minded selfish unthoughtfull people they are.rather than lending a hand to help. repent to god he who can help.thank you all. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/9/2008 8:10:50 AM | mickuandme....
I just read your profile, mate.....not good. You've bought into everything she said to you. I don't think you're boring, and I'm certainly not going to criticize you for what you say.
You have been kind of brainwashed for the last 20 years, I can see that, easily.
Please do something for me....only if you want to, of course. Re-write that profile to tell us the good stuff about you.
Even though I'm borderline, I get really pissed off when I see stuff like that. You have no reason to think about yourself that way.....yes I'm sure....I don't care if I haven't met you....it's a crock of sh*t....designed to make you feel like a piece of sh*t. And it worked.
I don't want to get into this too deep right now....I'm more concerned with YOU feeling better, than explaining your wife.....
I was diagnosed at 45...but I had other things that were covering up the borderline....once they were taken care of, more or less, the borderline came out full force.
Borderline can level off by age 45, but it depends on the environment...if the environment has been rocky for 13 years, there's no reason for it to stop at 45.
The secret is the behaviour....the way you act.....if you don't change that, it will go on until you're 100....just like always. Unless you do something "different", nothing will change.
You and your wife have a "predictible" pattern, you say so yourself....you can tell when she's going to leave....and when she will come back.
It's working for her, why should she change it?
I can tell you , that things won't get better.....it's working for her.
I'd like to suggest that you get some help for yourself....to help deal with the situation. Unless you're Jack the Ripper, you don't need to talk sh*t about yourself.
Please let me know what you think.....you deserve more....
Quazi | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/10/2008 7:01:20 PM |
But I build my confidence and self esteem on the children that they need me
mick...
Build your confidence and self esteem on the person that you are, and what you have achieved.
Your psychologist HELPED you, but YOU did the work. Go back and read what you did...in two years.
What you're doing is tough....damn tough. Take a minute and be proud of yourself.
I'll be happy when your profile is changed. Like I said before, you deserve better.
Quaz | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/10/2008 9:24:39 PM | Hi
First off - my empathy to all who suffer this disorder or were in relationships with them - life is hard enough .
do not know if the guy i dated is bpd or narcissist - and i am not trying to label him - but even after a divorce - i have never been left feeling so confused. A little background?
Met him on POF - emailed Imd and talked on the phone for 2 months - wonderful - sweet, intelligent etc. Spent hours doing this. We met and it was instant spark. Loving, caring, romantic intimate etc etc. We dated for a year. Then little things came out that made no sense, He had no ties with his family at all - his brother is paranoid schyz, his sister had a nervous breakdown - lives i the same town - he learned of it from a co worker - didn t even know where she lived. He had three x wives = 2 hated him and the other was instituti0nalized. No friends. He was apparently owed money from his last divorce but couldn t collect cos she was a psycho )his words).
Everything was wonderful as long as I never questioned his take on things. He was the good guy at work - the only one who knew how to do his job - everyone else was wrong, attacking, bad. Becausde of our l;ong distance - I eas wrong for not moving in immediatel;y with him, I said it would take time for me to be able to uproot myself and move to another country, Boy was that wrong - I never heard the end of it. Silly lies and dates wouled get mixed up - i have a great memory - he never kept strtaight when he had appointments. Je did abuse alcohol and pain pills - but not all the time. It seemed to go in cycles. He didn t see his son - hadn t for five years - no close relaitonshiips - resented mine with my children. Wanted me to himself - 24/7. When I promised it would happen next year - after my eldests' wedding - he accused me of not loving him enough. Then I found out he had been "inappropriate" with a woman and I called him on it - OMG different person came out. Then he cried and beffed ny forgiveness - losing me ould destroy him etc. I said ok but another issue like this and I walk., The it was pulling back whilst we made love because he perceived me as not as into it as before, He question why I didn t pick up my phone immediately. He accused me of cheating - not. When I said this wouldn t work - he was sweet and crying and then so cold and agry I didn t even recognize him. He still has stuff at my house. I went up to Canada with my daughter and retrieved mine and he was fit to be tied. Now he says I am evil and all he wanted is a healthy friendship. What a spin.
My head iswhirling at all this - does he meet the criteria - this is so I can understand and help myself heal from this difficult year of my life - I need to understand
Thanks for taking the time to read this - all insights welcome
Zee | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/10/2008 9:55:42 PM | Sans ...
To be honest, I don't believe you have BPD. Just a lot of repressed anger from your childhood that now requires an outlet.
Here's something I found:
A person with BPD will often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:
1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
2) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3) Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4) Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
5) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7) Chronic feelings of emptiness
8) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9) Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Now we know you are neither impulsive nor do you have a majority of the above symptoms. From my perspective, you exhibit number 2 and 6. However, I know that you do not have suicidal tendencies or self-mutilating behavior ... nor do you have substance abuse problems.
If you feel the need to consult with a mental health professional to calm your realizations, please do. I'm betting he'll say about the same thing that I am saying.
IF by some remote chance that you have BPD, I don't think your family will love you any less. You may find that they love you more than you can imagine.  | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/10/2008 11:05:04 PM | Hi Zee
I was about to direct you to a particular forum but it seems to be defunct. However, google "forums" "BPD" and "NON". NON is the term used for the partner or family member of a BPD. There are several resources on the internet.
If you were in such a realtionship, it is important that you connect with others in the same boat, just so that you discover your bewilderment is not an island. Shared experiences are healing.
A starter book for reading is "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger. It is directed at the "others" in a BPD relationship.
Brooker | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/11/2008 8:13:43 AM |
Hi Zee
I was about to direct you to a particular forum but it seems to be defunct. However, google "forums" "BPD" and "NON". NON is the term used for the partner or family member of a BPD. There are several resources on the internet.
If you were in such a realtionship, it is important that you connect with others in the same boat, just so that you discover your bewilderment is not an island. Shared experiences are healing.
A starter book for reading is "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger. It is directed at the "others" in a BPD relationship.
Brooker
Brooker is right....it is BPD that you're dealing with, not narcissism.....
Your boyfriend was too emotional to be a narcissist. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/11/2008 8:41:45 AM |
Quazi: I thank you very much for your concern about me.and after reading what you have said to me,it brought tears in my eyes. thinking back on all those years 13 years in total I have felt this way.Life was very hard for me living through the relationship with her.I did feel that I am not wanted any more by her but I kept biting my lip for the sake of the children to grow up with two parents.Her actions and her words seriously had a lot of effects on me,about 19 months ago to be told that two religion don't mix and two cultures don't mix.therefore thats why she chose to have a relationship with a male from her culture from indigenous back ground.That really upset me a lot to tell me this after 18 years of relationship.It was very hard for me to except.and those words made me feel the way I feel now hopeless.
Hi mick.....
Now for this part.....after an 18 year relationship, she didn't "suddenly" realize that two cultures, and two religions don't mix.
My guess is....that someone convinced her that two cultures, and two religions don't mix....and I can guess who would do that, as well....a person from her culture, and indigenous background.....and how is that relationship working....not well from what you've said.
It's not about you at all, Mick......I'm not saying that you're a saint, and she's the devil, but a large majority of the problems probably stem directly from her.
You say it's hard for you to accept those words.....don't accept them...they aren't true.
I understand the harsh words...I'd still be hearing them now, but the people that say them know that I won't listen anymore....they've given up on saying them....finally. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/15/2008 12:35:46 PM | Pad, thank you for your "assessment" of me and you were spot on.
I was told by two people that I have BPD, but I was also told by 18 people that I didn't have a mental illness, including my own wonderful family. Hmmm..do the math...2 people=I'm crazy. 18 people=I'm sane....ummm..yeah...LOL
The first person to tell me I had "BPD" was a raging alcoholic and the second person to tell me I had "BPD" is nothing but a sociopath that feels nothing for anyone....she's nothing but an icy shell and always will be. Sorry to disappoint you, honey. You will surely reap what you sow, my friend.
I saw a mental health specialist this last week that reiterated over and over again that I'm normal and he actually ushered me out of his office to make room for people that "really have problems" as he put it. According to him, I have no emotional issues and am stronger than the normal person he has to treat on a daily basis.
I'll never second guess myself again.
Sans | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/22/2008 10:27:23 AM | I had dated someone with bdp off and on for a year. When she was in to me her eyes sparkled and she would brighten up the entire room. It was as if she turned into this beautiful elegant swan that intoxicated me with my every desire. I truely felt as if I had found my seoul mate. (mirroring)
Then she would split and get very depressive and would display high amounts of social anxiety. I wanted to help her but it appeared as if my love just made things worse. It wasn’t till some red flags came up that indicated to me that she may have been seeing other people that forced me to set some stronger boundaries and she just disappeared without any closure or explanation. (it was a push pull kind of thing)
To this day I still crave the elixir of the illusion of love she portrayed when things were good. I just have to realize that she is mentally ill and my love wont save her. Her love was not love, it was a cycle of the bdp game that all that have posted are so familiar with.
Everyone tells me to get out and stay out which I have done……..I’m sure you know these things take time to heal………….So many of us have experienced similar things and we are all healing with you. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/22/2008 12:14:58 PM |
I had dated someone with bdp off and on for a year. When she was in to me her eyes sparkled and she would brighten up the entire room. It was as if she turned into this beautiful elegant swan that intoxicated me with my every desire. I truely felt as if I had found my seoul mate. (mirroring)
ummmm...I don't know if what I'm going to say is going to help, or hurt...
When she was into you, it was very real...BPD is an emotion dysregulation, you may have seen me call it "overreactionx100". Sometimes that overreaction is a great thing...we actually feel love to our very core. I laughed when I saw (mirroring) at the end of what you wrote. She wasn't mirroring you, she probably felt the love more deeply than you did. The love was not an illusion.
The "depressive" state, would have occurred after "something" triggered her sense of self confidence...."overreactionx100" says that could be ANYTHING......and she would have to "hide" until she got over it.
After years of work, my mood is stable. I have to work at it sometimes, but if things are going ok, it's mostly automatic, now.
But....if I want to have "overreactionx100" in certain situations, I just let go of the controls, and let it out. A nice consolation prize for all my work. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/22/2008 1:19:56 PM |
When she was in to me her eyes sparkled and she would brighten up the entire room. It was as if she turned into this beautiful elegant swan that intoxicated me with my every desire.
It is this very intoxication that NONs miss and crave after having experienced it. It doesn't seem to exist in other relationships. Also upsetting is that regular people are more constant in their emotions. It is very troubling to one's psyche to be adored then villified for no apparent reason to us...until we understand the disorder. Quazi, the love and hate cycle of a BPD damages those who love them. | |
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