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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/22/2008 1:19:56 PM |
When she was in to me her eyes sparkled and she would brighten up the entire room. It was as if she turned into this beautiful elegant swan that intoxicated me with my every desire.
It is this very intoxication that NONs miss and crave after having experienced it. It doesn't seem to exist in other relationships. Also upsetting is that regular people are more constant in their emotions. It is very troubling to one's psyche to be adored then villified for no apparent reason to us...until we understand the disorder. Quazi, the love and hate cycle of a BPD damages those who love them. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/22/2008 1:42:24 PM | This may deserve its own thread ~ Psychic connection with an ex ~
I am very pragmatic yet experienced a psychic connection throughout my whole relationship with my BPD SO. Never experienced it with anyone before. When I mentioned it to him, he said that he had it with most of his other relationships (which of course disappointed me, for I thought it was something special between the two of us). It was quite weird and I won't go into the details.
Last year, at this time, we were well separated. But all of a sudden he and thoughts of him invaded my head, to the point of disturbing me. I would shake my head and say "Get out!", turn to my next task and there he was again. It was approaching the point of thinking "near insanity". Finally, after a couple of weeks and one night of drinking too much wine, I phoned him, and angrily told him to get out of my head. He told me that for the past couple of weeks he had been thinking of me - no, praying to me. Is this possible? Or is it just a coincidence? He called me the following day and we had a gentle and laughing discussion after which the hold he had on my thoughts disappeared.
So, this year it's happening again. Not as brutal as last. I was in his town recently, dining at one of our favourite places and the waitress recognized me with affection (and I would not be surprised if she didn't mention me to him). I know this sounds strange and paranoid. Maybe his thought invasions are related to my own problems with the oncoming holidays, with the memory of "our" restaurant or is it possible for someone to have such psychic powers?
I struggle with trying to divorce myself from this relationship and it has proven to be very hard. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/22/2008 2:27:06 PM |
It is this very intoxication that NONs miss and crave after having experienced it. It doesn't seem to exist in other relationships. Also upsetting is that regular people are more constant in their emotions. It is very troubling to one's psyche to be adored then villified for no apparent reason to us...until we understand the disorder. Quazi, the love and hate cycle of a BPD damages those who love them.
I know from firsthand experience what you're saying, Lil Brooker...my last three SO's were BPD....only one was diagnosed....let's see if we can get into this a little deeper. The one that was diagnosed, was especially "punitive". He didn't "rage" very often...he kept his vilifying to himself. But he would set me up...if something I did annoyed him, he would let it go on for a long time....never say a word....and then one day he would tell me to get out of his house....when I asked "why" he would say "you know why"....from my own experience, I know that he had no idea why. He would be having big stress, and needed to get rid of some, and I was the easiest thing to get rid of.
Sounds nice and neat now, but at the time, I had no idea what was happening or why.... sound familiar at all? | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/24/2008 1:34:42 AM |
She wasn't mirroring you, she probably felt the love more deeply than you did. The love was not an illusion. Yes, I agree here, and what was hurting me for so long back in my experience (marriage), and after, was knowing it was pure and real, when it was there.
But, over the the long term, this type of love proved itself, to me, to be not a healthy kind of love.
I call it 'borderline love', or 'tainted love'.
I was addicted to this love, seemingly like a person addicted to a substance that would get you high and then later misery, in regular and extreme cycles.
Healthy love, among other things, must be consistent, and does not disappear at times. (FYI, the best definition of love I have ever seen was shown to me by my BPD ex, from the Bible. She really tried to live up to it... you know... sort of..)
I had dated someone with bdp off and on for a year. When she was in to me her eyes sparkled and she would brighten up the entire room. It was as if she turned into this beautiful elegant swan that intoxicated me with my every desire. I truely felt as if I had found my seoul mate. (mirroring)
Lastly, like me, if you have an 'inner alcoholic' or 'inner co-dependant' or 'inner fool', or whatever similar, parked right next to your 'inner child', and most of us do, you will still occasionally suffer, and crave this 'tainted love' from your ex. The good news is, you can deal with this inner 'pest' of yours, and rise above this. Handy skill for the next time you go out on a date and meet someone new. You start by removing your rose coloured glasses, introducing yourself to your inner pest, getting acquainted, and later on, (because it lives inside you and is defenseless and can't run away), proceeding to beat its ass into shape whenever it gets out of line. So the next time you are hurting, don't get down on yourself, its just your inner pest acting up again, thats all...
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K2000
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Joined: 8/9/2008
Msg: 856 | |
| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/28/2008 12:37:46 PM | "if you really love her you'll stick by her, no matter what"
But what if that love is based on an illusion, much like the one that is common with BPD
molding herself into the perfect girlfriend or mirroring you you get a euphoric feeling just hearing her name and cant imagine why she chose you, but thank your lucky stars you found each other
But time goes on and she begins to show her true colors, The lying, the manipulating, the possessiveness yet people outside of the relationship rarely see what the non BP partner sees, because to the outside world she appears the victim and YOU are the bad guy.
Well i used to be of that mindset til one wekend my water heater let go flooding my apt and was forced to stay with them for 4 days while it got cleaned up.
I saw first hand what he went through with his g/f almost daily and let me tell you I would run like hell if saw her coming. I always wondered why he stayed with her and i now think he is just hanging onto hope that he can "love her better".
Her friends and family want nothing to do with her, she is unemployed, and he believes she has cheated multiple time on him.
I am not a doctor and have no business diagnosing anyone but from what i read on here, the symptoms describe her to a tee. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/29/2008 8:15:01 PM | But what if that love is based on an illusion, much like the one that is common with BPD
molding herself into the perfect girlfriend or mirroring you you get a euphoric feeling just hearing her name and cant imagine why she chose you, but thank your lucky stars you found each other
Like I've stated before, the love is not an illusion...the love is very real. But because of past abuse, or neglect, after a time, the closer you become, the fear of abandonment sets in. It's very confusing for a child to hear "I love you" one minute, and then be told to "f*ck off" the next....as it is for an adult....the difference is that the adult can take care of themself.
I don't even know what "mirroring" is....I've read that it is "molding into a perfect other".The only thing I can say about that, is that I was raised by a BPD, alcoholic Mother. UNPREDICTIBLE is putting it mildly. I would go along with whatever she wanted me to do, and agree with everything she said, even though sometimes I resented it....but God help me, if I said anything. I would think that this is what the idea of "mirroring" actually is. When in an unpredictible situation, (like a new relationship) I would sometimes follow the other person's lead. It can actually feel like a safety issue.
But time goes on and she begins to show her true colors, The lying, the manipulating, the possessiveness yet people outside of the relationship rarely see what the non BP partner sees, because to the outside world she appears the victim and YOU are the bad guy.
Once the fear of abandonment sets in, the devaluation starts (or, if the BPD has actually been doing all kinds of stuff for the partner that they hate....this could be something like...doing laundry....the resentment thing is huge....but we don't speak up...one day, we will just blow!). Usually the lying, manipulating and possessiveness start after a "devaluating session" has happened, and the BPD realizes that they might just get rejected. If rejection does indeed happen, then yes, the partner will be devalued to anyone that will listen.
Once the fear of rejection or abandonment is in the mind, all stops may be pulled to keep that from happening.....even if the fear is unrealistic.
Well i used to be of that mindset til one wekend my water heater let go flooding my apt and was forced to stay with them for 4 days while it got cleaned up.
I saw first hand what he went through with his g/f almost daily and let me tell you I would run like hell if saw her coming. I always wondered why he stayed with her and i now think he is just hanging onto hope that he can "love her better".
Her friends and family want nothing to do with her, she is unemployed, and he believes she has cheated multiple time on him.
I am not a doctor and have no business diagnosing anyone but from what i read on here, the symptoms describe her to a tee.
There are three sides to any story.....BPD or not. Every event we experience is viewed by mental filters, and past experiences. There's his side, her side......and the truth. You have obviously been hearing his side.
He may have been "playing nice" to some degree because you were there.
One thing I do know, is that a "happy" BPD (meaning she is ruling the roost) doesn't usually cheat. Her reason for cheating could be something as simple as him working too much....but there will be a reason for her doing it. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/30/2008 5:57:55 PM | Was in a relationship with someone for a year who is Manic Depressive borderline Bi-polar and it was hell.
When she was in one of her moods I would not see or hear from her for weeks on end but when she was fine things were great.
I stay with her for a year but not much changed cause she did not want help.
Sucks bcause I did love her. Oh well what can you do.  | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/30/2008 7:09:09 PM | | If you do a google search for "Borderline Personality Disorder", you will find much information on how to deal with it if you're a loved one. Basically, these people feel pain and abandonment deeply. Imagine the time you felt most abandoned and multiply it by 1000. This is the way they feel all the time. That is why so many of them cut themselves or do other self-destructive things. They have not found their identity yet, so deep was the invalidation they received as children of their feeling or expression. They are often unable to validate themselves and so cannot ever fully grieve their losses or handle stress effectively. There is a form of group therapy called DBT that is supposed to work very well for this type of personality. If you are involved with a BPD, help them find a therapist who is familiar with this. The condition is 100% treatable. The main thing you can do is to validate their feelings. Do not make them feel crazy. There is a reason for their behaviors. And find a support group of your own so you don't get burned out. The burnout level is very high for people who work with borderlines. But borderlines can be amazing people with great depth and sensitivity, once they get a handle on their lives. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/30/2008 8:11:42 PM | Having spend 5+ years dealing with a BPD person, I can pretty much say the one I dealt with had no conscience, and to this day, still tries to actively ruin my life/career/whatever, while just barely staying on the "not bad enough so a judge will give me a restraining order against her" side of harassment.
All the while sending me email/voicemail/letters claiming she is a "good christian" and "only wishes the best for me and wishes I would talk to her without lawyers present".
My advice for Borderlines: Run. Like. Hell.
If you can't run, get a faster car than they have.
Locking your door even during the day may be advisable depending on how "vindictive" they are in the BPD spectrum. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 11/30/2008 8:57:05 PM |
Having spend 5+ years dealing with a BPD person, I can pretty much say the one I dealt with had no conscience, and to this day, still tries to actively ruin my life/career/whatever, while just barely staying on the "not bad enough so a judge will give me a restraining order against her" side of harassment.
Oh, we have a conscience all right....we just want to hurt you, as badly as we PERCEIVE you have hurt us. The emotion (overreactionx100) that is connected to a break up (unless we initiate it, of course) is indescribable.
My Dad committed suicide when I was 18....my parents split up when I was 7. After 11 years of being apart, AND re-marrying, the thing my Mom was most upset about when my Dad offed himself, was that she didn't get to watch.......scary.
Locking your door even during the day may be advisable depending on how "vindictive" they are in the BPD spectrum.
Vindictive is a good word. Punitive is sometimes appropriate as well. Some BPD's want to punish, rather than "pay back" whoever has hurt them......
Some BPD's have traded in the vindictive/pay back approach for more "appropriate" ways of dealing with anger and hurt.....the table has actually been turned on my ex-SO a few times.....he was expecting me to do something "rash". I didn't...it drove him crazy, because I wasn't acting like I "did before".
A large part of BPD recovery is trading in vindictive/pay back behaviour. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 12/2/2008 9:59:53 AM | [quotep] When she was in one of her moods I would not see or hear from her for weeks on end but when she was fine things were great.
Ever stop to think she was protecting you by not being around you so she didn't hurt you emotionally? I know that probably wouldn't have made things easier but those who put a lot of hard work into controlling their illness and protecting others know when to remove themselves so that they don't hurt others. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 12/2/2008 8:07:03 PM | I would like to theorize, that it seems to me, that there are two points to this thread:
The first point, that of the bpd affected individuals, who, despite their actions at times, first and foremost wish to be understood, among other things, as being people with a conscience, with empathy, etc, unlike a sociopathic individual. The bpd individual is a normal person acting out to drastic extremes, and that those responses are normal, due to the pressures of abnormal and drastic emotional turmoil experienced within. They want themselves to be seen separate from their actions, their sins, as they truly are caring individuals. Unlike sociopaths, who, seemingly everybody agrees, truly do lack a caring nature, and therefore, do not deserve to be separated from their sins, because they really are rotten to the core, so to speak.
And...
The second point, that of the spouse (or S/O, or some other affected individual) who would state that, regardless if the bpd individual has bpd or sociopathic or other tendencies, they wish to be understood as individuals whose lives have been damaged severely in the company of that individual. Many actions by the bpd individual seem the same as those committed by the sociopathic individual, so it matters little, or not at all, as to why those behaviours occur, to the recipient. The same damage occurs through the actions of the bpd individual, and that is what matters to the recipient.
Hmmm... I have thought of another point here:
Seems to me like there has been a white elephant in the room all along.
Seems to me that both non bpd affected, and bpd affected alike, view sociopaths as rotten creatures. The bpd individuals seem to be hurt, to no end, by being confused with sociopaths, by the non's. And the non's don't really care because the bpd individuals' actions often seem to be the same, whether they are bpd or sociopath, anyways.
Sooo... I am curious.. how do bpd individuals view sociopaths? Perhaps the same way that many nons view them... basically rotten creatures that do not deserve love because they feel no empathy, and therefore do not deserve to be seen as separate from their sins? Hmmm.... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 12/3/2008 7:29:34 PM | I was married to a woman with BPD for fourteen and a half years, and now I have a bunch of male friends who are/were married to the same. Also, I have a female networking friend who I realized had BPD one day while she was describing her marriage problems.
But how do you tell the difference? I guess you really need a basis for comparison. I can spot it pretty quick now, but then I'm old and very, very on the lookout for mentally ill women (no rebounding for this man! yaaaaah).
I think it is kind of like how can you tell if someone has ADD or is just "normally" distractable. I would look at the degree, persistancy, and pervasiveness (how many of the nine traits do they have) of the the behaviors. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 12/4/2008 1:57:43 AM | Actually I am still looking for one without borderline personality disorder or borderline pervert disorder .. or borderline I still scr-ew ew ew my ex every week and twice on saturday disorder, or borderline nah that was a wrong number disorder, or or borderline stand in line and I will do you next disorder, or borderline I only drink occasionally when I am out of beer disorder, or borderline what is your name again disorder, or borderline we talked already did we >? disorder, or borderline I got STD's would you like to be my FWB disorder, or borderline she didn't mean anything baby it was a penis into her vagina mistake disorder.. gees there are so many boarders in borderline "dis" orders and so little boundaries for the borders and no room to rent head space in either brain .. I am just looking for one that lives on the other side of the borderline, not a fence sitter someone waving the decency flag from a sturdy pair of legs .. and damn they are hard to find.. no pun on the hard... k..
PS . If any of you guys and gals are dating someone without one of these disorders please forward a picture , with their diapers on is good and just take their bah bahs out of their mouths so I can see what disorderless looks like okay, it has been and I use hasbeen loosely a long long time since I saw a worthwhile chuckey on or about groundhog day. | |
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kelchy
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Joined: 11/14/2006
Msg: 874 | |
| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 12/4/2008 6:25:12 AM |
I had dated someone with bdp off and on for a year. When she was in to me her eyes sparkled and she would brighten up the entire room. It was as if she turned into this beautiful elegant swan that intoxicated me with my every desire. I truely felt as if I had found my seoul mate. (mirroring)
Then she would split and get very depressive and would display high amounts of social anxiety. I wanted to help her but it appeared as if my love just made things worse. It wasn’t till some red flags came up that indicated to me that she may have been seeing other people that forced me to set some stronger boundaries and she just disappeared without any closure or explanation. (it was a push pull kind of thing)
To this day I still crave the elixir of the illusion of love she portrayed when things were good. I just have to realize that she is mentally ill and my love wont save her. Her love was not love, it was a cycle of the bdp game that all that have posted are so familiar with.
Everyone tells me to get out and stay out which I have done……..I’m sure you know these things take time to heal………….So many of us have experienced similar things and we are all healing with you.
This describes a past 2.5 year relationship of mine really well. Pretty much the exact same situation. One day she would be totally in love, the next day she wouldn't even know if she felt love at all. She always hid her feelings despite me being extremely empathetic and supportive. When she left me without any reason, she coasted to the other guys in my group with nothing lasting more than a couple weeks. At those times I never really knew who she was at her core. It hurt a lot to see her try to hook up with friends instantly after.
It's weird. She always seemed to be a wanderer with no goal. With me she sucked me dry after all the effort I put forward, with her reciprocating being nil in comparison.
She was a really smart girl and very intense. I just never knew what was really going on with her deep inside, despite how close we were (sounds weird eh).
Some people grow out of it, as some of it has to do with teen angst and attention seeking. For some people it's just who they are.
I try not to follow these exaggerated disorders these days. Imo, any mental problem should be called a disorder ONLY if it's a chemical imbalance. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 12/4/2008 10:44:37 AM | Hi everyone,
A friend saw my blog and suggested that I post a story from there entitled "The Stamp Episode" on this thread.
My last girlfriend has BPD and this story takes place after I had read “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” and had been seeing a licensed psychotherapist to understand what was going on.
Earlier in this thread I stated:
So I practiced what the book taught me and continued to see the therapist for advice and to discuss how to work with the situations.
My behavior in this story reflects some of the things had I learned.
Please bear in mind that while this is a true story, I tell it from a “light-hearted” point-of-view and mean no offense to anyone suffering from this disorder.
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The Stamp Episode
My last girlfriend called me one night and asked if I could come over the next day.
She wanted me to fix her computer and said we could get pizza delivered and watch the college basketball game to make a day of it.
Being a well qualified geek I was very happy to spare her the expense of the Geek Squad and told her I’d be over at 12:30 or so, and started preparing all my diagnostic software in a canvas carry bag that Adobe gave away at the last Seybold Seminar I attended.
At 12:40 I was parking my car and she called asking where I was. She seemed surprised and relieved that I was in her parking lot and would be ringing her bell in less than 3 minutes. I’m typically very punctual but she lives about 40 minutes from my house and I was running a little behind.
When I went into her place I was a bit surprised to see that she had already been drinking wine at that time of day, but thought “well it’s Sunday” and put my canvas bag on her counter, put my ginger ale in her fridge, then proceeded to boot up her PC.
The basketball game was on the TV within view of the PC and I settled in to begin working on the rouge computer.
She went about her Sunday chores, busily folding laundry and sipping wine. We took a break when the pizza delivery man appeared and sat together on the floor and watched a little of the basketball game.
Shortly after we resumed our tasks she looked over at me and sweetly asked “Honey, do you have a stamp?”
“No sweetie, I don’t carry stamps with me” I replied.
Instantly she became visibly agitated and began to vent her frustration. She said she absolutely needed to mail out a bill immediately so the payment would not be late.
I then said “Why don’t you give me the letter, I have plenty of stamps at home and I’ll have it next morning’s mail”.
To this she insisted that tomorrow wasn’t acceptable it absolutely needed to be mailed today.
“It’s Sunday sweetie, the post offices are closed. The letter is just going to sit in the box until tomorrow anyway….”
At this point she was getting quite angry and said “NO you will mail it from (your town) or (your workplace town), it has to be mailed from (her town)”.
“It’s going to Aurora Illinois; it will get there on the same day whether it’s mailed from here or (my town)”.
Now I’d done it. She became furious and yelled “Have you been reading my mail?!?”
“No sweetie. I put my canvas bag on the counter next to your mail.
I recognized the envelope by all the big blue graphics.
It’s AT&T – I pay that same bill every month and know it goes to Aurora Illinois.
It’s their central billing center, every AT&T bill goes there.”
She ran to the counter, picked up the envelope and stared at the mailing address. “How do you remember these things?” she asked as it seemed her anger was subsiding. “I told you about my memory sweetie” I said as I smiled.
Then she said “CVS sells stamps, I wonder if the Cumberland Farms convenience store up the street does also…”
“Well the CVS is less than a half mile away, I’d just go there” I stated in a matter-of-fact” way.
“No, I’m going to call Cumberland Farms and ask them if they sell stamps” she said as she reached for her wall-mounted land-line phone.
I returned to the task of repairing the computer and noticed that she had installed both Norton and McAfee anti-virus applications which, not to mention her AOL junk-ware, was most likely the issue.
About 15 minutes passed and I assumed she was talking to a friend on the phone when suddenly she began to slam the phone against the wall and cursing Cumberland Farms for not answering.
“Was it ringing this whole time?” I asked.
“Yes, and they did not answer it the $*@! *$$#@*s. I’m calling the phone company and make sure I didn’t get charged for the call!”
“Um sweetie, it’s a local call on a land-line and they did not answer…”
I stopped in mid-sentence. She was looking at me like a rabid werewolf under a full moon so I quickly returned to staring at the computer monitor hoping she would find a more suitable target.
She immediately called the phone company and I could tell by her responses that they were trying to explain that “it’s a local call on a land-line and they did not answer…” but for over 15-minutes she insisted that the representative check and confirm that she wasn't being charged for the call.
Then she slammed the phone against the wall one more time before she slammed it down on the cradle.
She was cursing to herself as she put on her coat and her fuzzy blue slippers. Then she wheeled around and with her eyes full of fury she angrily directed her attention back to me.
“Can I trust you if I leave you here alone?” she growled like an angry tiger defending its cubs.
“Sweetie, I’m a grown-up, I’m not going to go through your things… look I am still working on the computer, the basketball game is right there… I’m not going to do anything.”
Without a reply she wheeled around and I shook as the door slammed behind her.
Well, I got to a point where I had to download some updates, so I left the PC, poured a glass of ginger ale then sat in front of the TV to watch the basketball game for a bit.
Suddenly, without hearing her key or any other warning the door flew open and she burst in like the Tasmanian Devil until she saw me on the couch.
“I’m sorry sweetie but North Carolina just went ahead, it doesn’t look like you will win the pool” I said as I looked up and smiled at her.
“What’s going on with the computer – why aren’t you working on it?” she interrogated.
“It’s downloading some patches sweetie. I can see it from here. As soon as it finishes and the screen changes I can reboot it.”
She put away her coat and slippers, poured another glass of wine, then came over to the couch and sat next to me. As quickly as it appeared, the storm had passed and all was calm.
I looked at her, smiled, and asked “Did you mail the letter OK sweetie?”
She looked at me and said: “you think you can get anything you want with that cute innocent smile of yours don’t you…”
“Yes sweetie, indeed I do.” | |
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