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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/17/2007 6:22:57 AM | Not BPD but I did marry, then after the divorce, get engaged to two women with Narcissitic Personality Disorder.
Many of these people have cross over characteristsics with BPD and other personality disorders.
Run is the best advice but if you cannot for whatever reason, there are lot of good books on the subject and some excellent online support sites.
Get as much information as you can on the subject and if you are a fixer, as you probably are, you'd better believe that the only person who is going to get fixed is you, because they go from one to another relationship causing mayhem in their wake.
I fel sorry for anyone with any of these conditions, but the truth is that being with then is like trying to save a drowning person, all they are interested in is taking you down with them, then the next, and the next. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/17/2007 7:56:33 AM | | I think, and I may be wrong; that many of these posts are peoples' own diagnoses of people that they've been involved with. I'm fascinated if the poster above me was legitimately involved with two NPD cases in a row, as the disorder is the rarest of the group, and even rarer in females. The thing about this thread that has me bothered is that a the posts that are truly compassionate are more or less ignored to make way for more negative, generalized ones. It's not too common that an intensely affected BPD would actually admit to having the disorder, and many other conditions have similar manifestations...including ADD -which is a very common thing to go undiagnosed well into adulthood. Making a statement like "never date someone who is borderline, bipolar, etc., is an insinuation that all people who carry certain diagnoses are exactly the same, and to be treated as labels rather than individuals. Basic human kindness has indeed become a rare commodity...why does anyone need to have empathy and compassion when they can post their sad experiences on an internet message board and get those very things -which most of you DO appear to crave -from others of like minded opinion? Seems like textbook BPD behavior to me. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/17/2007 11:55:46 AM | Worlddisorder: "labeling" someone NPD, or BPD is for professionals. I AM ONE and before I retired had the license to put this on official medical records--that said.
The charteristics of these people are fairly well defined. There are "grades" of BPDs, I knew one who murdered her children, and not all of them go to that extreme, of course. You are correct that some people who actually qualify for the label manage to make it in life without killing people, but though there are "degrees' of the disorder from BAD to HORRIBLE, there is enough information out on the net, and in books that people, even ordinary people should be able to look at dysfunctional PATTERNS of behaivor of others and see that SOMETHING is WRONG.
Yes, I actually had several admit to me (outside of the office in personal life) that they were bi-polar borderline. Didn't even seem to embarass them. I even had one admit to antisocial personality disorder (this is the newer name for PSYCHOPATH)
There are RED FLAGS that are very COMMON to these personality disorders that ought to be memorized by everyone when they meet someone new, whether it is a neighbor, a potentiall date, an employer, a co-worker, etc.
One of my FAVORITE flags is upon first meeting or very shortly thereafter the person with ANY personality disorder becomes VERY VERY FRIENDLY and puts in an "application" to be your "instant best friend"
If this happens, my antena go up immediately and I put up my protections, and analyze the situation much more closely. In my private life since adulthood and learning about personality disorders, I have only been "fooled" twice--once by a psychopath (the ultimate BDP) seeking to date me after my husband died, and once I got my antenna up because a couple who were renting one of my rental properties almost immediately wanted to become "best friends" with us. Their behavior was very typical BDP, offering to do things for us unasked, etc.--- and I took a careful look at these people, I was polite, but didn't accept "favors" from these people, but eventually they did become good friends with my late husband and me, and we are close friends to this day. Occasionally there are some just nice people who take an "instant" liking to you, but best to be leary because the "instant attractions" more times than not turn out to be a "come on" by the BPD or worse.
The "take home point" about all of this is that 99.9% of the time FRIENDSHIPS and GREAT LOVES grow SLOWLY over time. If it appears instantly to be "too good to be true" there is a 99.9% chance it ISN'T TRUE. Peace. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/17/2007 1:31:10 PM | The "bad to worse" comment is decidedly less than professional. Read more of my posts before responding, please.
I have acknowledged that there are also qualified professionals in the thread...also, that their comments were for the most part, horrid ones. Most of the posts are seeing labels, not individuals. We take full responsibility for the things that we have done while we were sick, but also remember that we were sick. For the record, I am a higher-functioning BPD. I'm not violent, nor am I a danger to my loved ones...I wasn't even that before I was in recovery. Yes, I've done the textbook "sainthood to evil incarnate" behavior in my life.
I've also dated more intensely affected BPD and bipolars...one of which helped me begin my road to recovery -through my losing patience with that person throwing MY OWN behavior patterns at me, and finally learning to be truly empathetic through it.
Also for the record, I have had numerous opportunities to latch on to "caretaker" situations in the last few months or so, and I have declined them. People get better. That's the thing about being sick...
Also for the record, I do know what ASD is, and I am assuredly not a "psychopath". (I seem to remember the very title being changed for being derrogatory, no?) Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm drinking from the "non-crazies" fountain, so I'm just going to take my place in the back of the bus, now.... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/17/2007 6:39:03 PM | World disorder--I'm not going to debate the issues or semantics with you, nor defend my position as a retired mental health professional. Everyone has opinions and I will defend your right to an opinion that the world is flat and the moon made of green cheese , doesn't mean I will believe it, but I defend your right to your opinions no matter how I disagree with them. Basicly, you have your opinion, and I have mine. You express your opinion and I will express mine without either of us putting the other down. Or putting professionals down. I realize that since I am not BPD I can never know what it must feel like to be BDP--but I do know there are degrees of any disease from "infection" of a hang nail to HIV and everything in between--some BAD and some in the middle and some VERY bad--the same with most mental illnesses and personality disorders.
Most of the people with any personality disorder, who come to the "radar," are those that leave people emotionally bleeding in their wake--not the few who for lack of better words "help themselves." Believe it or not, I have a great deal of empathy for the internal emptiness and fears experienced by many BDPs in trying to find someone to love them, while simultaniously pusing away the very people they want to love them. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/17/2007 7:10:09 PM | Jimbo, thanks for the "amen brother"--but it should be "amen SISTER" though my screen name makes me sound male, I'm anything but male. I am in a living history group that does pre-1840 living history and being the "cow girl" type when I was a kid, and owning a farm big enough to keep livestock on, I trained a pair of young cattle to pull a wagon (i.e. Oxen) My lady mother made a comment to me about "I always wanted my daughter to grow up and become an oxdrover! " (NOT!)  so it is kind of a family joke about me being an "oxdrover"--which, actually I AM, but don't look or act like one except when our group is demonstrating pre-1840 living to school groups or at state parks or museums.
But having a medical professioal career is a stressfull job and coming home in the evenings and taking the trusting, slow, plodding creatchers out for a drive, or scratching them behind the ears was my "therapy." There aren't too many pair of them here in the south today, I only know of 5 others, but in New England and in Canada they are fairly common sights, so I became kind of "famous" (or infamous at least) about the state for my oxen. Plus, it gave me a real sense of "power" to take a stick the size of a fly swatter handle and "boss around" 4,000 pounds of oxen that could have squashed me like a bug if they had wanted to. (You never have to hit them with it, they are like kids, if you have a fly swatter in your hand they always behave, but if you put it down they may be naughty!)
It was just nice to come home to the sanity of my steers/oxen after a day of being for all practical purposes on the "Jerry Springer Show" without the cameras.  | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/17/2007 9:04:16 PM | OxDrover:
Please don't feel like I'm centering you out to pick on; because rest assured, others stating to be or have been in the field, have made far worse comments than yours (yours are innocuous by comparison). If you were/are a trained professional (and I am not questioning you on that claim), then you know that BPD is a quite vague diagnosis, and could easily be mistaken for something else...or vice-versa. You also know that it is a spectrum disorder, and not all of us who are labeled as "borderline" meet all of the criteria. As far as personality disorders go, it is the mildest, and by far the easiest to treat.
-With psychotherapy, not medications. Yes, there are BPDs who should and need medication...however, the best treatments are dialectic behavior therapy and other forms of talk therapy. I very much wonder if the fact that one could potentially "cure" a borderline WITH LOTS OF WORK, rather than keeping the individual in a psychotropic stupor-related limbo until their hormone levels drop (or they themselves die) as a result of aging, is what stigmatizes this disorder so much?
Assuming that you have access to the DSM IV-TR and other literature, I suggest you read up on the subject before demonizing an entire group of people as a result of your experiences with one of them -and I'm sure from the tone of your posts, that you very likely have had a quite personal one. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/20/2007 1:53:27 PM | Worldisorder - NPD is not as rare as you would have us believe although I agree that diagnosed cases are not as high as other pathologies as the people with this disorder rarely seek treatment.
I am part of an internet support group and I can assure you that it is not uncommon for someone to be involved with more than one sufferer of NPD. It is believed that more males suffer from this condition than females, but as so few of the sufferers actually go for treatment that figure must be debatable. Even if true it does not mean that it was not possible for me to have been involved with two of these people in a short time scale.
I know nothing of your life and do not comment on yours. You know nothing of mine and it does you no credit to dismiss my post. I know what I am talking about.
I have pity for people who through no fault of their own have deep seated psychological problems. I have also seen at first hand the damage that people with deep seated personality disorders do to the people unfortunate enough to be involved with them. In the case of my ex wife's first husband, that damage involved driving him to taking his own life. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/20/2007 2:43:12 PM | Yeah World, could be mistaken because they're just looney.... All I know is one day my ex would say I was beautiful and ten minutes later I was a slut.. So I would ask ok which am I this time, gorgeous or a whore. And either way I stopped listening.... | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/20/2007 4:24:45 PM | [I,ve suffer from BPD guite badly.
Has anyone knows how to treat it? ]
Hi Daniel7,
Yes, as a professional in the field of mental health I can tell you that it is very important that the illness be diagnosed properly. This is the first step towards treatment and living a fullfilling life. A proper diagnosis can only be done by a mental health professional or team of professionals such as a psychiatrist or psychologist. Nobody can adequately self-diagnose and cannot be done through casual observance of just anybody. This being said, the self-reporting of the illness is crucial to the work that can be done by a professional. Contrary to all of the banter on this thread, people with mental illness can be treated successfully and can live full rewarding lives.
There are treatment options for those with borderline personality disorders. I believe that the evidence-based best practice in the field is a form of cognitive behavioural therapy which has been designed specifically for this illness. I would need to look up the name of it to be sure but, I think it may be dialectic therapy. Anyway, a specialist can tell you more for sure.
So, you may be wondering how you would go about getting this type of help. I would direct you to the local mental health team in your area, I am not sure where you live. They will hopefully send you to your doctor for a referral to a specialist who can make an accurate diagnosis. From there it is an open door to getting your life back.
I applaude you for taking the step of asking for help and caution you to move forward with your action on this course. The alternatives, I am sure that you know by now, are not appealing to say the least.
I would be interested to know how you make out with this. Would you be able to write to me on this thread and tell me simply if you have been able to follow through on this? | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/20/2007 4:58:13 PM | Lucky guy, great advice. 
Worlddisorder, a medical diagnosis of BDP or any other PD is made by comparing their self-reported behaviors, sometimes the reports of the family or S/O and other previous treatment, history, etc. There is a long list of various behaviors that go into making a medical diagnosis.
This forum is NOT for making a diagnosis, or validating a self-made diagnosis. In addition to a diagnosable personality disorder or mental illness, people can have "traits" of a disorder and yet not "qualify' for a full medical diagnosis. If I was working with some person with "traits" of BDP I would say in my diagnosis that they had some of the TRAITS.
Borderlines that I have worked with (primarily women) are very difficult to control. If they are also depressed (which you can control with medication sometimes) you can treat that, or if they are bi-polar, you can treat that, but many times by the time you see them in treatment, they have led such dysfunctional lives that there is so "much" going on with them emotionally that it is very difficult to get a very positive result. Many times their family and social life is chaos. They have had problems holding jobs, staying in stable relationships, etc.
Many times, people with BDP do not want counseling and are resistent to cooperating. Historicly people with any personality disorder ( as different from a mental illness, like Depression, etc) are more difficult to treat because many don't see a need for treatment, many have "self medicated" with excess alcohol or drugs, and and also because there is no medication specificly for these disorders.
If you will look back through my posts on domestic violence, and on abuse, and on Narscissistic personality disorders, I have suggested professional counseling to both the victim of abuse, co-dependent spouses, abusers, etc. over and over and over. When the abuser in a situation apppears to be BDP "traits" or NPD "traits" or professionally diagnosed and does not want treatment I always adivse the S/O to get out of the relationship for their own sanity and safety and the safety of their children. Or, in one case to delay m arrying an out of control bi-polar who has had 7 or 8 hospital stays oin less than a year because he consistently refuses to take his medications. He has been on them for only a week, and is apparently doing okay at the moment, I suggested that she delay marrying him until she sees that he will stay on his medication longer than a week. He is also pushing her to have a child NOW and I suggested that since Bi-polar has a hereditary component, that she delay this as well until she sees how the relationship will progress. They have been together less than a year and it has been a year of chaos.
I am not here giving paid medical advice, or diagnosing anyone, I am simply suggesting that people who are dysfunctional seek counseling and/or medical care. I am a HUGE champion of psych counseling for anyone suffering from any disorder or illness that has consequences on their life and their behavior and thinking.
Anyone can get on the net and read all they want to about diagnosis, behaviors, etc. Doesn't make them a professional and does'nt "diagnose"-- if you szee those traits in yourself, or in a loved one or friend, encourage them or yourself to get professional help. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/20/2007 8:12:02 PM | Yes, great advice from user "Luckyguy".
okay...where to start?
"OxDrover": you seem to have a heart in the right place, but you have somewhat contradicted all of your previous posts on the subject in praising "Lucky's" post. You seemed rather quick to write people off as labels before another qualified professional piped in, and then it seemed as it was OK to present some sympathy toward the suffering.
I am NOT "self" diagnosed, nor am I web diagnosed. I am well aware of how to conduct a valid psych eval, believe me.
To the poster who wrote "Rock on, OxDrover, etc..." (one of the "qualified professionals who set me off enough to out myself as borderline on a DATING SITE): I'm sorry, but with that attitude, you should not be treating people. Take that hanky off of your head, and wash your bike with it or something, okay? (Yes, we're looking at pictures, we're all mature adults, and a lot of us are making hurtful generalizations -Dude, you have a fricking hankerchief on your head.)
Finally -to the one who made the "They're all loonies" comment: Should I call that a Scientific observation? Because I'm having difficulty digesting a LOT of peoples' statuses as "qualified professionals" in this thread; especially in that they seem to be inevitibly followed by typos, misspellings, verb-conj. to possesive confusion, and stupid "emotocons". What's next? Ignore me. or have me booted. Either way..."METHINKS THOU DOST PROTEST TOO MUCH."
OX: If it baffles you why someone professing to carrying this label would seem "proud of it", then you really need to think about it.
I'm not ****ing "proud of it" AT ALL! I HATE IT. However, it's the first step in recovery to admit it (does that sound familiar to any of you? I'll bet it does!) I have/am working hard to beat my very nature, and I'm doing a goddamned good ****ing job with it..
I don't need this. (Written off as "victimized" in one..two...3) | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/20/2007 9:26:12 PM | It commonly happens to him who endeavours to obtain distinction by ridicule, or censure, that he teaches others to practice his own arts against himself; and that, after a short enjoyment of the applause paid to his sagacity, or of the mirth excited by his wit, he is doomed to suffer the same severtities of scrutiny, to hear inquiry detecting his faults, and exaggerations sporting with his failings.
The natural discontent of inferiority will seldom fail to operate in some degree of malice against him, who plrofesses to superintend the conduct of others, especially if he seats himself uncalled in the chair of Judicature, and exercises Authority by his own commission.
Quote by Samuel Johnson from Rasselas Poems and Slected Prose. Edited by Bertrand H. Bronson, Holt, Rinehart, and Winston, Inc. 1958. | |
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gocode
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Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 121 | |
| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/20/2007 11:44:07 PM | After reading much about BPD, I've concluded that I have been involved with many BPD women. And now that I've put two and two together, I am going to really "read the writing on the wall" and take action, instead of ignoring it because of how beautiful, nice, smart or fun the other person is. In each relationship I've had with someone who has exhibited traits of a BPD, I've really lost some of myself.
I only wish I'd figured this out much earlier. Because I think I might be suffering a little bit of PTSD - fear of outbursts, etc. But now I feel more empowered - and am delving into the reasons that I get myself into relationships with BPDs. I think that its not a matter of "run while you can." It is really all about learning why BPD traits were acceptable enough for me to continue in an unhealthy relationship. It does take two to tango - but now I am going to be much more careful about who I tango with. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/21/2007 12:14:03 AM | Gocode--I am so glad that someone has "seen the light"--I would suggest that you LEARN as much as you can about the RED FLAGS that go along with some personality disorders, BPD and others. There is all kinds of stuff o n the net. It won't qualify you to "diagnose" anyone, but when yo see the RED FLAGS in a relationship, then you know that YOU need to examine yourself and the relationship.
In a relationship with someone who is dysfunctional, violent, abusive, hateful, irritable or just plain inconsiderate, it doesn't matter if this person is beautiful, smart, rich, or anything else. If they persist in this kind of behavior for more than a short time or repeat it, GET OUT! Hat's off to ya. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/21/2007 3:48:58 AM | Whilst I am not a health professional, a 7 year marriage to a disordered lady and an 8 month engagement to another, plus treatment for depression, has given me a very good insight into life with people with personality disorders.
I knew nothing about BPD or NPD before my marriage but made it my business to find out a lot more since I have been subject to people with those behavial "traits". I did not exactly "self diagnose". I was pointed in the direction by actual health professionals who I spoke to about the behavial patterns of these two women.
The first had already been diagnosed with OCD before I met her. She told me that was in the past and that she was okay, but it became apparent that she was not soon into our marriage. After the divorce I was speaking to some trained mental health people and they said that her behavial patterns seem to demonstate something called BPD. I took upon myself to read about, and to talk to as many people as possible about this condition. After a while it was apparent that although my ex displayed many of the symptoms of this condtion, there were also many others that didn't fit, which led me to NPD. She refused point blank to seek help, and becomes very aggressive if it is suggested that she seeks counselling, so no, she has not been professionally diagnosed. But if something looks like a dog and barks like a dog, chances are it is a dog. This person ticks all the right boxes and continues to behave in exactly the same way that mental health professional describe the behaviour of people with NPD.
As for the second person. Yes I was shocked and distraught to find that I was dating another person with these "traits" and can see why others might find that odd (but in my self help group a number of the people there have had similat misfortune - if not more than one NPD, then cerianly have been with other people with other personality disorders, usually psycopaths).
As I did with the ex wife, I spent some time in denial, looking for other reasons for her strange and unpredictable behaviour, but the more it went on the more she ticked the NPD boxes. She did eventually seek out professional help, but then it was on behalf of her teenage son apparently. The therapist told her that she was "high maintenace" and "volatile" amongst other things, after only a couple of sessions. She didn't like what she was hearing so stopped going.
I would agree with the professionals on here that self diagnoses is not ideal for yourself. But if you have a S/O who is behaving problematically and who refuses to believe that they have a problem, self diagnoses is probably the only way you are going to get a handle on them and what you are going through.
I did not make my own diagnoses based on some books and the internet. I made them based on long discussion with health professionals about the behaviour of these people, then followed that up with further research in books and on the internet.
Anyone who has experienced a relationship with someone with either BPD or NPD knows how painful and difficlut that can be. Both my exes have left a trail of hurt and destruction behind them and both continue to behave in exactly the same way. I know the friends and families of both people well and you will not find one person who is not aware of how difficult these people are to relate to. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/21/2007 4:16:01 AM | | Okay folks, here is my take on all this. You can not judge all people with BPD by the actions of a few. There are men here who wont date women who are not BARBIE, there are women here who are looking for a sugar daddy and want a man with big bucks......HOWEVER it is unfair to judge the whole gender by the actions of some. The same can be said of people with mental illness. | |
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