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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/21/2007 9:28:01 AM | Aquarianbloke, you are doing exactly what I have suggested to others to do--learn what RED FLAGS To look for in any relationship. Find out why YOU put up with this kind of behavior repeatedly, and then make changes in yourself. Like setting appropriate boundaries in any relationship. If YOU set appropriate boundaries of what kind of behavior you will accept from ANYONE then YOU will live a good, healthy life. If you look at more in a person than the external "Barbie" or "Ken" persona that these people can project, and watch for the RED FLAGS you will many times avoid getting entangled with them in the first place. If after you are entangled emotionally with one of them, you recognize the signs and symptoms and the behaviors and GET OUT rather than stay in a miserable abusive relationship.
Whether your ex-es were ever diagnosed as BPD, NPD or whatever doesn't make a hill of beans, what matters is that they were disfunctional in relationships and you were the one suffering. Many times people stay in this sort of relaitonship because they just actually can't believe that some people can be "this evil and uncaring"--there "has to be a reason" and "there must be some thing that will fix it, show them how much I love them."
NEWS FLASH: There are some people that will ALWAYS be abusive to those closest to them. "Why?" is a moot point. "Disagnosis" doesn't matter.
If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, and lays eggs that hatch into ducks, there is a darn good chance it is a duck not a chicken. Calling it a chicken won't make it a chicken.
Your post was excellent, and I am proud of you and proud for you that you have made some life changing decisions about how you will behave and how you will set your boundaries. That's what makes you strong, and what makes you healthy. Go for the gusto!  | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/21/2007 10:42:54 AM | You are quite right Oxdrover, it is all about learning to read the red flags, having healthy boundaries and sticking to those boundaries.
You are right about the diagnosis too. It is all about behaviour and how people treat you. It helps to have a handle on these things but giving it a name might make it easier to understand, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/21/2007 3:01:50 PM | "Smallchange63":
You have so succinctly put what I've been saying the whole time.
You know, I talked about outing myself as borderline on a dating site, and the fact is that I did not register to "date" at all.
I don't get to "date"...mostly because I feel bad enough already about shit gone down in the past, and the rest of the reason is because I buy into hateful tripe like this thread, whether I want to or not. No, "Ox" --you do NOT know what it is like to have BPD. You don't not know what it's like to feel that overwhelming wave crash over you, saying: "Run. Run, before she hurts you."
-When your friend, spouse, or girlfriend was NEVER going to hurt you at all.
And you don't know what it's like to address THAT after you've already left. After the other person has moved on, and all you can remember is that she is who you love, and you were sick...but it's OK now; you've snapped out of it.
It's not OK to the other person...to her, you simply look as though you are attenpting to "play it safe" by running back home and attempting some kind of reconciliation. Perhaps you've made it worse by having spent time with someone else, who was wonderful beyond words -but not for you. Perhaps you went so far as to have built a whole new life in a short amount of time with the new person, only to realize that you are trying to rebuild what YOU YOURSELF DESTROYED. So now you've devastated two people. How else does that abandoned child within you react (and I WILL generalize that ALL borderlines have felt legitimate abandonment at some point in life) to not only one, but now TWO broken dreams? Can you imagine screaming "I hate you" to your parents -the way that many children do when they are fearful over something selfish that they are being punished for; and having your parents say, "Fine. Screw you -we're done." - and simply walk out? I sincerely hope not -but that's how it feels. Not saying that your "s.o." was a parent figure, but they were supposed to love you unconditionally. (Kindly note that I would never expect anyone to stand for any sort of physical nor repeated emotional abuse.) You cannot imagine what it's like to wake up from being an entirely different person for some time (perhaps even experiencing a small degree of dissociativeness), and finding everything that you loved, cherished, and counted on completely gone.
-At least I hope for your sake that you cannot. Because they never leave your memory. You regret them; every single one of them -for the rest of your whole goddamned life. You haven't learned how to "move on" as healthy, normal people do...because all that you feel is the same goddamned, ****ing guilt you felt when your childhood abandonment occurred. If you were higher-functioning, perhaps you even had children yourself. Perhaps you are even a bona fide Super-Parent...
So now imagine what it's like to have THAT crashing over you -to know exactly how your children must have felt when you left.
You see, for some of us it's not that we can't/don't "see anyone but ourselves" -it's just the opposite. We see and feel everyone surrounding us' pain, whether we have caused it or not; and relate it to our own. I think to an extent one would call that feeling "empathy". Is it not true that beneath all altruism lies selfishness? Not to say that to be empathetic/sympathetic is selfish, but one can only feel one's own feelings truly. Proof in this being that as you read this, you cannot truly know what it is like to feel any of it unless you have walked a mile in my shoes.
My decision to heal came along with my formal diagnosis. I am quite familiar with the diagnostic criteria for BPD and other like disorders, and have been for years...that doesn't mean that I saw it in myself on a conscious level. I had already realized that I was not going to get by on luck, looks, or another relationship when the word "Borderline" (as pertaining to me) was first brought to my attention. I had a close friend ask me before I started my psych eval, if I actually *wanted* this label...perhaps as some kind of excuse for past behaviors; and I honestly had to tell her, "Yes."
The truth is "No." I don't want it...but I have it, whether accurate or not, and it's now serving as a guideline to keep me focused and sane. I am in no way saying that I am well and healed overnight. This healing will take a lifetime.
If I were a recent cancer survivor, would I not deserve some sort of understanding? If you claim not to get the analogy, then shame on you, and the Medical Model that you apparently embrace. There are many professionals who don't even "buy" BPD as "real", and when the DSM-V comes out, you may even see it written as something quite different.
I stumbled upon this thread by accident, and set up a profile -which requests "hang out".
"Hang out", meaning that perhaps I will meet someone nice, and make friends. If I were to determine that it were going somewhere, it would be awhile before it were allowed to. Honestly, I do have someone in my life whom I am quite taken with. Neither one of us has allowed this to get physical, but we are quite taken with one another. This is my second crack at a healthy relationship, and so far it is going very well. I focus my life on doing right by those close to me now...but I have not abandoned myself. THAT would be selfish...that would be giving up.
Submitted for the panel of experts,
-A Human Being. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/21/2007 4:06:49 PM | Worlddisorder, I hear your pain. No I cannot know exactly how you feel. Only you can know that. I am very glad that you are seeking help. The help may never allow you to totally "get over" your abandonment issues, or your fears, but it can help you control your behaviors and your words. YOU CAN control your behavior. Just like an alcoholic CAN not drink, it may be difficult, it make take one MINUTE at a time instead of just one day at a time.
Everyone has insecurities, everyone has doubts, everyone has things that they wish they hadn't done in their past. No one is perfect. Relationship skills are LEARNED by us all. Trust is a learned thing. We (humans) learn what works and what doesn't work. If hitting Johnny over the head with a toy truck in kindergarden doesn't get you what you want, you find another way to get the truck, like waiting your turn without throwing a fit.
A support group, a supportive friend, or someone besides your counselor might be willing to help you, by cuing you when your behavior is out of cync.
There's no quick answer, and none that doesn't take a great deal of work.
The analogy with the cancer survivor though, is a bit off. Cancer survivors don't generally become hostile toward others, and many times people with BPD do.
Good luck and I am glad for you that you have started this journey toward learning better ways to cope.  | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/21/2007 5:33:40 PM | | I have not taken the time to read the thread. I saw the painful one by Worlddisorder...I have not dated a person diagnosed with BPD. But my mom had it, my sis has some traces but no diagnosis and I ended up marrying a very dangerous person who will never be diagnosed because rules of conduct don't apply to him and so he would never go near any type of discussion or testing about an error in his ways. I have a friend who has severe problems. I really think its wrong to tell anyone else what to do with their relationships. Love is a powerful thing. I think the hardest part for me was the self-medicating...That is hard for me to accept, probably because I don't understand why someone struggling to gain control would take drugs/alcohol to lose more control..However, I don't need to understand. It's my place to accept that no one's life is a bed of rosee and everyone has a handicap.Some people just hide theirs better. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/21/2007 6:36:10 PM | Judy,
I'm not an alcoholic, but I've been through some shit with it...more than once. Sometimes I actually wish that *were* my deal...it's more accepted. (I actually think that all proclaimed "alcoholics" have personality disorders of some sort.)I will address it as such:
Drinking, drug useage, gratuitous sex (mine) are not the problems..It's loneliness. Sometimes I get so lonely, I could claw my fruicking eyes off (and no, I'm not a cutter); yet the idea of interpersonal contact is ****ing repulsive to me. How the **** do you deal with it?
Personally, I just curl up and wait for the waves to pass...Yet another symptom that is probably often mistaken for Bipolar Disorder.
In regards to your family: I'm really, really ****ing sorry!! I am so worried that my daughter will inherit this -and I'm already denying but certain she has. It really sucks, kiddo...but we are people after all. Everyone deserves a shot at normalcy. I failed. I refuse to allow my little girl to. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/21/2007 6:56:01 PM | | Yes. How I coped was dumped the person, for my own sanity. Not because they had it because She refused treatment. I hope this helps if YOU don't want to take my advice, learn ALL you can about it or die trying to cope w/it. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/22/2007 4:57:19 AM | | Worldisorder - The fallacy that there is a normalcy is just that. You didn't fail, you are trying your heart out to keep things calm for your little one. That is a whole lot more than I feel I ever got. Of course, given the hell my mom lived in I can't really blame her. If you haven't resorted to the self-medicating I'd have to say that's almost a miracle. Those I've seen don't have the strength to make it through the waves. The ones I know are not alcoholics w/pd's. They have/had pd's and couldn't find relief so they took control to lose control. Sounds to me that your little one will learn a lot more through your stuggles than she ever would with a parent that gave her the world...but then again, no parent can. As a child of a pd, i struggle to make sure that I am not crazy. I'm am always trying to make sure I am within the lines. I am finding, there are alot less lines than I would have thought. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/22/2007 11:30:46 AM | I have never dated someone with Borderline Personality Disorder just due to the fact, I grew up with someone who had it. My sister indeed has it. And it cause a lot of heart break and trouble with her, while growing up. I grew up just fine, thank god, but it made me such a stronger person in the long run, and I thank her for that. But dating someone with it, its hard. You have to go into that relationship knowing what he or she has. And I would fo sho do some research on the matter. They are very different ppl. And if they know they have it, and are treating to get treated for it, then that's a good sign.... But sometimes they can seem like they are on a good road, but then turn towards the bad again. It's a hard disorder to deal with, in my opinion. Just be careful. that's all i gotta say.
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/22/2007 2:58:16 PM | [You have to go into that relationship knowing what he or she has. And I would fo sho do some research on the matter. They are very different ppl. And if they know they have it, and are treating to get treated for it, then that's a good sign.... But sometimes they can seem like they are on a good road, but then turn towards the bad again. It's a hard disorder to deal with, in my opinion. Just be careful. that's all i gotta say.]
Good words tennisbabe.
I was married to someone who has been diagnosed with it but, who does not tell anyone about it and does not adhere to any treatment for it. Everything in consequence becomes everyone else's fault and it is impossible to please them on even the tiniest level. Imagine my surprise when I found out what it was that she has, what a relief. I thought that I was going insane until then because I give the other person credit for giving me feedback and try to work on my stuff.
I sure did learn alot but, what a hell of a time I had doing it!
I still feel that if she had been able to acknowledge the illness and receive treatment for it, things may have been different for us. We may still be together. Oh well, live and learn, I'm over that. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/22/2007 5:31:41 PM | Judy:
I am not "crazy", nor potentially are you. It's a brave new world for psychology...a lot of medical pros are throwing their hands up at retirement age, saying that "Psychiatry is evolving to make therapists obsolete."
-I call bullshit on that. Loudly. More and more young people (and even 'older' people like me) are emerging into social/human services as LICSW, and these are the people who really, really give a flying **** what's going on with their clients. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/22/2007 7:20:35 PM | Why do people receive diagnoses? Because a set of symptoms, accurately or vaguely described, are apparently interfering with some aspect of that person's life, as defined by that person, and enough people in the psych/medical field have agreed that that combination of experience can be tossed into the DMV-IV.
What's up with all the stigma? If there are strategies for experiencing life that someone hasn't yet explored, a label, right or wrong, may be a route to get that experience, that level of conversation, that exposure to being accepted unconditionally ( this includes conflict - which can be useful, and most of clear clear boundaries about where Person A stops and Person B ends).....and the chance to experience what being related to is all about....
People get to change over time. Don't we?
My belief is that living makes you an expert on your kind of living.
As for BPD...without a label ...that just means living with an unpredictable emotional barometer....sometimes one's inside feels horrendous, and the barometer says it is supposed to be a "bit sad"....that's all the real and perceived abandonment is about...
too many "trained" and expert folk throw pianos in the flames to fuel the fire around BPD - most evil clients ever...etc. What's that? Time to take a break, and turn on some music........what happens if a therapist actually believes a group of BPD-like or labeled people are capable ....what if that group is told that anything that is working against them will also be their greatest source of strength in the future....
takes a lot of strength and persistance to continually expect abandonment....and in a long term relationship, persistance just may be a useful little quality to have around.
walking on eggshells, living in glass houses....what about just saying its good enough....life is a pleasure, complex. beautiful, but a pleasure....and happy can be a lot of things more than a buzzed out feeling of perfect control /getting all you want.
lots is possible. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/23/2007 11:23:37 AM | [Why do people receive diagnoses? Because a set of symptoms, accurately or vaguely described, are apparently interfering with some aspect of that person's life, as defined by that person, and enough people in the psych/medical field have agreed that that combination of experience can be tossed into the DMV-IV. ]
[As for BPD...without a label ...that just means living with an unpredictable emotional barometer....sometimes one's inside feels horrendous, and the barometer says it is supposed to be a "bit sad"....that's all the real and perceived abandonment is about...]
Sorry to tell you but, you are misinformed. BPD or any other mental illness that can be diagnosed, are clinically proven and time tested patterns of behaving that seriously affect people's lives detrimentally to the point of incarceration, homelessness, severe illness, lack of significant relationships and death.
I get your point though, I believe that we do over medicate and that some things get a "bad rap". For instance depression. How many poets, musicians, painters and others have lived with things like this before we had medications and therapy methods? Is it possible that we have lost a great deal of inspiration due to these tactics to deal with what we see as unmanageable? When I think about this, I come to the point of remembering that we have many complications that people of other times did not have to contend with. For instance, high-rise buildings, traffic congestion, fast food, mass media and all of the complications that those can cause all by themselves. This is not to mention the breakdown of our family and cultural systems that is leaving a vacuum in people's lives that has never been experienced before. Also, we have the phenomenon of parentless children all over the world. How are they going to be successful parents when the have not had any examples to follow or when their example was a state run facility? | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 3/23/2007 2:05:34 PM | The two posts above me. Happy, as luckyguy says, you are misinformed on BPD, although there are "degrees" of this as in any illness, it can be life RUINING, relationship RUINING, health RUINING--- just as alcohol can be from a person who take a drink once in a while and never gets drunk to the guy drining a fifth a day and becomes homeless, mean, etc. There are degrees in everything. Most people with BPD that are diagnosed, are diagnosed because their lives are in shambles, they have used/abused all their friends, mates, kids, etc . NOT all, mind you, but many are seeing a counselor because they are court ordered. Many "non diagnosed" people with BPD are never diagnosed because they keep their lives "together enough" to keep a job part or most of the time, but don't cross the "legal" line, but their lives are frequently in havoc and chaos, frequently divorced, verbablly or physically abusive or abused, go from one bad relationship to another, do drugs or alcohol to "self medicate"--and are generally unhappy people for a good part of the time.
There are periods in which people both "diagnosed and undiagnosed" can appear to be doing okay, but then their problems will manifest themselves and they will destruct those relationships closest to them. Many times also they will have other diagnosis besides BPD. Many times BPD and bi-polar will be seen in the same person.
While quite frankly, I feel for these people, because they live unhappy lives. I spent most of my working life trying to help them. Many don't want help. You can't help someone if they aren't willing to participate in helping themselves. If THEY don't see a need for help. That is life.
While there seems to be some hereditary connections to this and bi-polar, depression and other mental illnesses and personality disorders, as well as environmental issues, and it isn't "totally" their "fault" if they are born with the predisoposition to this, just like "alcoholics" are born with a predisposition to drink too much, but the BEHAVIORS associted with these things CAN be controlled. Feelings are one thing, BEHAVIORS are another.
There are times I am so mad at someone I "could kill them"--but obviously (to me at least) I am not going to do it because no matter what they have done, I am not going to violate the law no matter how badly I might "like" to--but sometimes people with personality disorders do so, they KNOW it is "wrong," but they just don't CARE-- their impulse control is not always adequate. That is why many wind up in jail. It isn't a matter of like a man who actually "hears voices from God, telling him to kill the devil" (which just happens to be a person he doesn't know) because that man, hearing voices, does NOT know what he is doing is WRONG. He is not in "touch with reality."
I applaud those people with personality disorders (which can be life ruining) seek help, but unfortunately, many of them refuse help. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 4/9/2007 9:12:22 AM | | Oh gosh, if ya think that's hard, try Schitzophrenia! Even at mild, yer always wondering if they're hearing voices again, or why they're crying.. or what they're gonna do next. This one girl just walked right into mah house while I was sleeping and nobody else was here! And it wasn't like she wasn't smart enuf to know better.. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:51:08 AM | Ox - thanks for sharing your information. Although some people are complaining about labelling others, unless you've been there you don't realize how important it is to recognize the signs.
Like one guy said, I too thought I was going crazy, was stunned & baffled over this NPD's behavior. And getting diagnosed - Ha. He thinks he is exceptionally better than other people so there is no way on this planet would he ever think anything was wrong - with him. I had some previous experience with a similar sort a few years back, nothing as mind-boggling as this.
Thank goodness I spotted it before getting more seriously involved. And thanks to you all for sharing so I did not make a life-ruining mistake. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 4/9/2007 12:18:42 PM | | TAllcoolone, glad that the threads have helped some people. Sometimes I almost feel that I have helped more people on a few threads here than I ever did in my career of many years. There are of course people here who "don't believe" or aren't willing to see that if it "looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, lays eggs that hatch baby ducks" it just MIGHT BE A DUCK. Calling it a chicken, or thinking that if the duck wants to "change" into a chicken it can-- and in some circles that is "PC thought"--doesn't make it true. To start with--the "duck" doesn't want to change even if it could. the only thing the rest of us can do is to avoid intimacy with these toxic people. Set appropriate boundaries of behavior we will allow from them and not play the "mind games" or allow them to ruin our lives. It sounds simple but isn't always. Good luck. You made my day. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 4/14/2007 9:19:26 PM | Thank you Ox for your insight and effort.
Folks, you should read and believe what Ox has said about the personality disorder, being a survivor of a 5 year train wreck it was only after I got some time and space, researched the issue that any of it made sense, and that's because the syndrome is so insidious.
Someone with that damaged personality has by their late 30's become so good at blending in and masking, you can't always see the big picture due to your close proximity and the fact that you are viewing the isolated indicators out of your own normal rationale.
Once you put the pieces together- at the autopsy stage of the relationship as I refer to it - you finally realize that it was not your fault even though the BPD made a good case in their own and sometimes in your mind for it, also realize it doesn't really matter whether or not it was clinically diagnosed or not, you never had a chance.
The behavior patterns will continue with or without you as an enabler- there are always others to enable, most times the BPD personality is so resistive and manipulative they can pretty much avoid clinical diagnosis for most of their lives- barring a court order- it isn't something that has red flag indicators like a low IQ or "superficial" antisocial behavior, -they don't drool and they are so charming and disarming somehow you don't see it coming at first, that is unless you have been through the nightmare.
So you can take the labels and dispose with them, they are only labels, if it walks like a duck, -well you know what I mean, you should expect duck like behavior and don't act surprised.
In the long run I am convinced it is probably too much to expect a healthy longterm relationship if that's what you are really looking for, one party seems to have to invest most or all the effort in the end, and I don't see how that type of relationship could survive.
I am not an expert in any other sense than I truly believe that the woman I once thought that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was living a life of torment that I never knew-and I spent 5 years attempting the impossible.
And after all- the thread topic is : "EVER DATE SOMEONE WITH BPD?: -period. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 4/29/2007 10:02:13 AM | No.
Someone with that "damaged personality" has, by their late thirties, begun to level out. The term is "burn out." I am utterly disgusted and repulsed in that many of the people that have posted in this thread have claimed to be clinicians.
Nearly every nasty, hurtful rant in the entire thread has been an armchair treatise, generalizing individuals as a unit -because of a label given to them. You don't treat, know, fall in love with, or become victimized by a Borderline. You treat, know, etc; a HUMAN BEING, who has been affected by BPD.
BPD itself is a vague diagnosis, and anyone under the right circumstances could be put in a position in which they present as such.
A lot of the angry rants that I've read have definitely come out of being hurt, and I understand that. However, if I were to retitle this thread "anyone here suffer from BPD," and glance over some of the victimized, condemning words, I'd think a lot of you were affected.
-And no, I'm not saying that any of you are. Just please do not take a label and judge an entire group of people by it.
Saying something like, "If it walks like a duck, etc, et al, ad nauseum..." is tantamount to prejudicial slur.
And this is not a rant to make anyone feel badly. It is a plea to show a bit of compassion and understanding...if I need to put it in "netspeak" for you, just pick one of your favorite little smiley icons, and imagine it going along with, "hate the game, not the playa."
Not funny, right? No. It's not -it's hurtful to poke fun at people when they're pouring their hearts out, isn't it? If people enjoy being on internet boards and using GIF animation, or if they embrace pop-cultural expressions, pointing them out as objects to ridicule is not very nice. It is also not very nice to generalize that all of you do.
Get it? I hope so, because I sincerely DO NOT intend to waste anymore time here.
Some borderlines happen to present far milder than others, and many do recover. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 5/9/2007 8:51:47 AM | World disorder-- your comment that BPD is a "vague diagnosis" and anyone could "present as such" is quite off base. A "syndrome" is a collection or group of symptoms over a long period of time. As with any psychological disorder or illness there are "degrees" of from "bad to worse" along a continum lie the "scale of from one to ten" we frequently use.
Psychiatry has a long list of "symptoms" and duration of symptoms, a "check list" of symptoms and in order to "qualify" for a diagnosis the person must have a preponderence of evidence by having these symptoms or behaivors in abundance.
Simply having one symptom for one day is not the same as having that symptom in all relationships for years, along with many of the other symptoms. The more complex the disorder the longer and more complex the list in order to "qualify" for a diagnosis or a "label."
No person on earth is 100% correct or 100% "stable" psychologically. We all have some baggage or other, either inherited or learned. Some people are born with the propensity for alcoholism, and if they drink, they become alcoholics (another list of symoptoms and behaviors in order to qualify for that label) so life is not "fair" with us psychologically anymore than it is in looks--some people being born "pretty" and some "not so pretty." Some people are born with better psychological genetics and some people are born smarter and some less smart, so we have to take the genetic cards we are dealt, and the environmental cards we are dealt, shuffle them around and try to make the best hand possible for our lives.
Unfortunately, most of the people who inherit a tendency for a problem geneticlyare also raised in a poor environment by p eople who also have that problem, so those children get a "double whammy"--poor genetics, and poor environment. It is unfortunate, but I am not going to say that "life is unfair" therefore these people should be objects of pity. A rattle snake is born a rattle snake, but I dont' intend to let him bite me and wound or kill me just because it ws his poor fate to be born a poison snake. I learn to recognijze the "symptoms" of a poison snake and avoid being bitten.
Let's assume the snake wanted to "get his life in order" and have "relationships" with non poison snakes.. If he went into therapy it would be difficult for him, maybe not impossible for him to change his behavior, but very difficult.
Having been a wild life photographer in my youth and having been around the exotic animal business for many years I cringe when I see people taking in wild cats, and wolves and other predatory animals and making "pets' out of them and then being totally surprised when the animal injures or hurts them or someone else. These animals are just doing what they were born to do. It is unfortunate that some people are born with problems, physical or psychological, or they are abused and have trust and abandonment issues which causes them to strike out at others, but to allow yourself to continue in a relationship with someone who FOR WHATEVER REASON has violent tendencies is not good sense on the part of others.
If you don't believe that general personality and general tendency for aggression is an inbred genetic trait--then go get you a baby tiger and raise it with "love" and it will grow up and eventually eat your a$$ no matter how much you love it. Look at breeds of dogs, there are those that tend to be passive and those breeds that tend to be aggressive...this is an inherited trait. It doesn't mean that if you have a pit bull it will kill you, or that if you have a beagle it will never bite--or that you can't abuse a beagle and make it mean, it simply means that the TENDENCY for aggression is there or not, environment also plays a role in animals as in humans. For the most part, humans who have a reasonable amount of cognitive skills intact have a "free will" to determine their behaviors. If you will note, most people will "calm down" when a cop points a gun at themn and tells them to freeze. No matter how angry they are. They use their cognitive skills to determine that superior force has them under control and for their own good they had better comply. Yet, they may chose NOT to "behave" if there is no superior force present. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 5/9/2007 2:18:06 PM | World, I can identify with a lot of what you've said about BPD, because I was diagnosed with that condition many years ago. I've spent, on and off, the last 20 years recovering from self destructive behaviors. I'm as "cured" as anyone with a personality disorder can be.
I shared 12 years of my life with someone who suffered from NPD, even though he'd never admit it. I loved him without reservations. We grew apart because, with psychotherapy, I matured and grew up, whereas he didn't. Recovering from the split almost did me in, but I'm very thankful for my circle of friends and support network that helped me limp along until I recovered from the depression.
I'm now a "high-functioning" BPD. I have lived alone for the last year and it hasn't killed me! I keep and maintain my theraputic crutches in case I should need them again. I take comfort in knowing that emotional cycles do swing back towards centre, and I try to keep myself there as much as possible.
Would I date a Borderline? Absolutely, yes! They can be quite the charmers, can make me feel wonderful, they can be inventive and fun to be around, spontaneous, giddy and carefree at times. With a Borderline, I can bring out my inner child and actually enjoy life.
Of course, there's the downside which has been so (at times cruelly) overstated in this thread. Living and dealing with a Borderline means making sure that boundaries are in place and accepted by each other. It means learning to recognize when the partner needs certain type of emotional support and be willing to give it.
I wouldn't enter into a relationship with a Borderline who hadn't been diagnosed and helped by psychologists and qualified therapists. But with someone who is struggling with their emotions as much as I struggled with mine, how could I possibly run away, as has been suggested ad nauseum?
"I am human and I need to be loved, just like everyone else does." The Smiths from "How Soon Is Now?" | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 5/9/2007 2:55:08 PM | Raised with one. Coping is a constant battle with yourself to understand that the illness is speaking and not the person. It's really hard. At the moment I have no contact with this person cause they drove me to drink, and caused chaos with my life. Keep in mind that every case is different and some people are a lot more/less severe than others. Personally the hard part is this person doesn't acknowledge they have an issue and choose to blame others for their life problems. Good book for you: "Stop walking on Eggshells" gives you some ideas on how to cope, and how to deal with your own feelings. If you are going to stay with this person, speak to a consellor about your own feelings and make sure you understand they way this works.
Good Luck. | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 5/9/2007 4:00:15 PM |
Traits involving relationships
7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting (see below).
8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
Heavy need for affection and reassurance
Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy
ouch. that sounds quite like me...  | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 5/9/2007 4:49:25 PM | I can tell you briefly of my experience with it. During the 5 years of dating and living together things were perfect. 2 months after the marriage he was hospitalized. 7 long years of a rollar coaster ride we are getting divorced. I still have daily phone calls. Today he is obviously on his medication. He is level headed and rational. Last week was a different story. Next week who knows.
I dont have anger just sympathy. He doesnt want to be ill and I wish I couldve helped but he didnt want to help himself. As for the kids I used to felt bad for them but now I feel like they are wise and empowered with skills to handle mental illness. After all we read every book, researched all the meds, talked to therapists etc. My daughter knows her biology teacher is bipolar and can watch her cycles and be more prepared than the other students.
As for how YOU cope...well the DR and books will tell you that you dont matter just the sick person. How they feel. Their needs etc. You basically have to take on another child and monitor moods,meds,therapy etc -one slip and the downhill spiral begins. A good doctor is another challenge as they all seem to be pill pushers. There is a book called Loving someone with Bipolar written by Julie Fast | |
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| Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Posted: 5/9/2007 5:06:31 PM | | ok people..#1) this is a real disorder and very frightning for the people who suffer from it. They do deserve love too, although it is difficult for them and the people who live with them. I have ADD and it is very hard for me, but I can have healthy relationships. Some people with BPD and related disorders cannot have regular relationships, but it does not mean they should be joked about. Look in the mirror ... | |
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