| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:44:32 PM | What was that line from Silence of the Lambs?...something about they covet what they know...sounds like he is coveting you...
It sounds like you have been way too nice yourself....why is it that it is so hard for us women to learn that we don't always have to be nice to ppl or put up with guys bs...or help them hide their secrets....which is what you are doing...by not letting his wife know what is going on...
just approach her when you see her out...pretend that you think she already knows all about it...pretend you think she must be the one who made the food for you....thank her for all that her & her husband have done for you...(be sure to remember the whole chef thing too)...apologize for not having thanked her before now....tell her how you feel you have gotten to know him so well....what with his coming over everyday....& you're sorry she hasn't been around to get to know...start talking about all the stuff he has said to you...anything about himself or them...as casual conversation...she really won't like that..
you don't have to say a word your issues on it...she should get what you're really trying to tell her....just by the look in your eyes & your voice.... | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:08:19 PM | Pandora04 is right I'm afraid.
This guy sounds like a real ____path. You should be scared. If you call the cops you'll just make him mad. If you tell him NO! he'll get mad.
My advice is to plan an escape. You need to move. Until then get a dog and a gun. The cops can't help you on this one. You need to protect yourself. Paranoid? No. This guy's creepy. You're probably not the first one he's done this to. Don't encourage him by talking to him. Make up excuses for leaving his company (diarrhea, herpes flair up, genital warts are itchy). The point is to stay away from him and not anger him. Then get the heck out of there and don't leave a forward address. Tell him you're moving to Germany to live with your aging Bavarian great grandparents.
Seriously, treat this monster with kid gloves. Be smart. Outwit him. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:19:10 PM | ummm pandora :-)
Your username is fitting for what you suggesting to do. What your suggesting is highly drama drama drama filled. Sure, letting one slide in about thanks for the food is only slightly passive aggressive. However, going into the full details. On the new neighbors wife. Sorry, that could really be an instigation to war.
They Don't Exist in Your World. If you do not want someone in your life than do not involve them. No pretending. No games. No BS. If it comes down to it the best one I read was be blunt. "Look, I'm kind of getting the impression that you’re interested in me and I am not and thank you for whatever but no thanks and unless you want me to not act like a friendly neighbor I would appreciate my space back." Ok... they didn't say to say that but it was something like that...
Anyway, don't go playing around with someone's family even if you think he is super ass creepy guy. It will not turn out well for anybody.
And unless the neighbors confirm that he's psycho stalker guy you have no real reason now to think he is anything other than a bad neighbor. Do not involve him in your life he is just the guy next door.
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:24:28 PM |
is anyone reading this?
I only read what you post. 
~OP~ All kidding aside ~ ick. I'm usually the advocate for the "Ah, don't over react" crowd, but dear me, I'm creeped out and I'm not even getting food/attention from him. Time to either just ignore him or (I can't believe I'm typing this) tell the wife or the complex manager. That is just way too out there for comfort. Ewwww!! You are obviously aware it's weird, no lectures needed ~ just be careful!!  | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:39:11 PM | No one else has said it so I'll say it. Op, this is your fault and your doing. All of the be blunt, be rude is out of line at this point.
This guy started giving you things that were a little to friendly... okay fine, but By the time he is getting chefs to cook you dishes and bringing you food every freakin' day, it was up to you to stop this behaviour.
I know, I know there are those in the forum going, here Canam goes again, but think about it. A guy that is creeping her out is now giving things to her kids... and she still does NOTHING!! How many of you would let a man that has really over stepped his boundaries with you, start in on your kids? I don't see a lot of hands raised.
The issue really is that you have aloud a relatively normal situation to get out of hand due to your lack of ability to let him know that you were not interested has caused this.
Married or not he was obviously coming on to you and it was up to you to let him understand that you were not interested. Now your children are a part of this situation and they had no business having to be involved. Especially because you are to weak willed to handle this situation like a mature adult.
Why the F*#k would you even come to the forum having to ask 'how to handle this'?
It is up to YOU as the parent to tell this man staight and forward' I am not interested in maintaining this sort of relationship with you and you are to STOP giving things to my children. Period.'
You say exactly those words.
but you won't. You love the drama. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:46:31 PM | Yup....sounds simple to me .... "please sir ..i appreciate your kindness but I would like you to stop ."
.
I am sure you don't mind hurting his feelings ....since you don't want the guy around anyway !!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:56:36 PM | I disagree that it is the OP's fault. Sociopaths are very clever and manipulative, and sometimes it takes a while to know when you've met one. Most of us just tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, because we are love-motivated. Psychopaths tend to be drawn to people who are nurturing and see the good in people. They can also be very dangerous because they are motivated by power, sex, or money, or some combination, and not by love, which is what motivates most of us.
I had a guy approach me last year at the condo mailboxes. He was extremely nice and friendly and had gone out of his way to strike up a conversation with me. He was very attractive and seemed like a great guy. He gave me his business card and told me he wanted to help me wax my car (which would have been very welcome). But the guy looked familiar to me. I went home and looked at the folder of sex offenders I had pulled off the internet. There was his picture. He lived in the next building. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:59:50 PM |
I'm creeped out and I'm not even getting food/attention from him.
no lectures needed ~ just be careful!!
 "so nice to see you again Clarice.....please do come by ..I'd like to have you for dinner"
OP what were you thinking accepting food from strangers? now he's under the impression that you'll be returning the favor.
get your self a pittbull and tie it in your front yard. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 10:05:33 PM | hello?
have a huge guy (i always used one of my 7 body builder brothers ) to come over n casually come outside while u r being sweetly ACCOSTED by the sick MARRIED neighbor..n say " how u doin honey n by the way dude ur like spendin too much time flirtin with my girl i really hope I dont have to mention this to u again " hes married?
tell his wife
as in " i loved the dish ur hubby brought me last nite what did YOU think of urs?" believe me SHE will have the BALLS to put an end to it..its up to u if u really wantd him gone he WOULD be..its innapropriate for him to approach u as hes married an im guessin u neva BROACHED THAT SUBJECT with him ..y not?? whateva simple fix
kathi | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 10:10:42 PM | | Girls are raised to be nice and not offend. It's time for you to assert yourself, with good manners and tell your neighbour, looking him straight in the eye, "Please stop bringing me food". No explanations or reasons are needed. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 10:19:38 PM | It sounds like he's extremely lonely, but he's also sounding as if he's an angry person,too. If the wife stays gone all the time, then there's a real hint. If he's being rude to you, then it shows real underlying issues. There's an anger problem here and it most likely has to do with his personal life. If he keeps it up, then you're going to be the object of his anger sooner or later. He's most likely pissed because the wife isn't home like he wants her to be.
Get in touch with some of your friends and have them come to your apartment, house, whatever. Just don't be seen alone by yourself, if you can help it. Take out the trash while you're leaving with a friend to go to the mall, etc...
This man knows your single and so lying about a bf will not help you, it will only piss him off. He will think you are playing him for a fool and that will not go down well. It will turn ugly before it gets better.
Find his wife, grab her and take her upstairs with you. Make up some excuse about you having a gift you want to give her. ( I don't give a damn if it's just a bottle of liquid soap! )Be friendly, but not overly so. Watch her body language, it gives you real hints. Ask her how long they have been married and what does she do with her free time? Be very careful here, and I mean careful. This is a time bomb waiting to go off, you need to cover your ass so that you are not caught in the crossfire. Do not tell her anything! Wait for her to say something that will give you the truth about what you're seeing happen. Above all, try to find out as much as you can about her and how she feels about their marriage. If there is really something wrong, the wife will not be able to hide the truth from you. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 10:21:22 PM | I don't want to scare you OP, but the last neighbor I had that HAD to come outside everytime I mowed my lawn or gardened and then came to my door with a cake was on the sex offender list. I listened to my gut instinct even though I thought I was probably over reacting. I was shocked when I found out he was a rapist!
If this guy is a creep it's not your fault for trying to be neighborly and friendly. I agree with many others that you need to immediately set a boundary! I know sometimes that's hard to do. Good luck. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 10:47:49 PM | Hi Everyone,
Thank you for all the great advice. I read every single post carefully. I should have stopped accepting things from him after the first couple of times. I have trouble being direct because I don't want to "hurt anyone's feelings". And I wanted my neighbours to like me. I didn't want him to feel insulted. But now I realize his behaviour is bizarre and scary. Now I'm even more worried about insulting him. But I know I need to do something about this. Some great suggestions were given that I'm definitely thinking about. Another red flag about him is that he has 3 kids from his first marriage that he doesn't see at all.
Any more advice would be appreciated . . .
P.S. I'm on maternity leave from my teaching position so I'm home a lot during the day. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 11:10:31 PM | I don't see where is the problem to handle your neighbour to leave you alone...with one of the the shortest English words.
But I''ll give a hint: treat him as would you do if I ask you for date right now | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 11:13:23 PM | "I wanted my neighbours to like me. I didn't want him to feel insulted"
It is possible to have boundaries and still be liked and not insult. When setting them you own your own motives. Some have said it well .. and his reaction to them (which we cannot know) will tell you if he is weird or just has been misreading your lack of boundaries.
I have a groundrule about married men - 20ft pole. Any married man tries to get closer and I let them know it is nothing about them, it is a rule from my past. I never give any woman any opportunity to question my behavior. It prevents misunderstandings.
I have a groundrule about accepting things from neighbors ... only from women and single men I am dating. My apologies for breaking the rules. I thought the first gift or second was a neighborly welcome and didn't want to be rude. But, it is past welcome to the neighborhood, so I need to go back to my rule.
I appreciate talking to you sometimes, but this is a precious time off for me to spend with my kids. I'll have to go back to work all too soon. I need to chat only briefly and excuse myself to spend time with them and my home.
when people approach me from the above positions I find it a lot easier and less rejecting. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 41 | |
| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 11:38:02 PM | This isnt rocket science...he's got the hots for you...is attempting to ingratiate himself to you and because you're not falling for his play...he's getting pissed off.
I had a next door neighbour try the same crap on me once.
Dont mention anything to the wife ...mention it straight to him.
Something along the lines of...oh I'll have to thank your wife for all these lovely token gifts you're BOTH giving me its made me feel very welcome and although Im feeling flattered...its a little too much and Id prefer you didnt do it.
If he's got half a brain in his head he'll see he's dug a hole for himself and back off.
If he doesnt THEN mention it to her infront of him cos she's running the show and she'll grab him by the balls.
Thats likely what half the problem is cos he wont feel like a "real man" so therefore he wants to get into power plays with other women.
Make sure he doesnt engage you under the pretense of the children too...cos thats likely as well.
If he's a real ass and keeps doing it...then be completely direct...tell him you wont be accepting his gifts any more and then ignore him and dont let him intimidate you cos he'll thrive on that in as much as your fear of him would.
Normally I dont advise people to ignore others cos its simply the height of rudeness but this guy is hitting on you inappropriately and he seems volatile to a degree hence him getting insulting. So dont put up with it and dont get into psychological games with him cos it'll feed his drive and make him want you more.
Dont let him find out any personal info about you, keep track of your mail (particularly phonebills cos even if you have an unlisted number...your phonenumber usually still appears on your bills and he'll find it), make sure he cant see you through windows at night when its dark outside and light inside the house, keep your security door locked, yes change your locks if you can and stay away from him.
As suggested, have a male come stay the odd night...and get a pair of male shoes to put outside your door at night...keep an eye on your personal laundry going missing, hang some male clothing on your clothesline and rotate it when you do your laundry...so he doesnt know you're alone in the house.
Never ever let him in the house either and remember if he's a stay at home Dad...he knows what you're doing pretty much the entire time.
Dont be a creature of habit and dont be scared cos these men are ultimately cowards ...just be aware and take precautions.
Oh couple more things...
Familiarise yourself with you home and any possible weapons you could use and an "escape" plan.
I dunno what the townhouse complexes are like where you come from...but if you have a yard...mantrap it...so that if the SOB comes onto your property he'll do some damage to himself and get busted.
Lets all hope he's jerking off when he does it...should be an interesting thing for his friends and family to find out and give the cops another charge to get him on. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/3/2008 11:52:30 PM | Well there is nothing worse than having an angry neighbor so you need to be careful on your approach. Maybe you need to talk to other neighbors , ask if they have had any issues with him. If they have then ask how they dealt with it . If they haven't maybe they can offer suggestions being you live in the same complex.
The next time he approaches you let him know you appreciate his kindness in welcoming you to the complex but it has been 6 weeks and you are no longer a newcomer. Then ask him when his wife will be home, that you would like to meet her and thank her for the food and gifts as well. If he says she doesn't know about them take that opportunity to tell him that you are sorry but you can no longer accept any more food or gifts from him because you thought they were from both him and his wife . That will let him know you never thought of him as anything more than a generous neighbor. Puts his butt on the spot too if he doesn't want his wife to know. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/4/2008 12:08:57 AM | "No thank you." "Excuse me." "No thank you." "No." "No thank you."
Rather than speculate about his sociopathology, follow this simple rule of thumb. If you stick to these responses, with no emotion, no affect, no looking to see how he reacts, basically shut him out of your head and give him no response to build on, he ought to give up after a few more tries.
If he doesn't, then look him square in the eye and say, "I'm sorry, but we are not going to be friends. Please don't speak to me any more. Thank you."
If he still doesn't give up, then he has some imaginary entitlement to your attention. Don't argue with him. Don't confront him. That is in itself a development in the imaginary relationship. He will feed on it. Instead, call the police. This is behavior they are well acquainted with, and they will put the fear into him.
Or just call them now. You're entitled, as a taxpayer. And I gather you feel unsafe around him. So, yeah, call them if that's right for you. It's better for everyone, his wife and kids included.
Cheers!
Vulf 
I see some are telling you the cops can't help you. That's ignorant. They deal successfully with this kind of thing all the time. They are trained to deal with it. It's their job. Let them do their job.
VVV That's not bad. Non-confrontational, courteous, and likely effective. Puts the ball in the hands of the one person who deals with him every day. Well done! VVV | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/4/2008 12:18:01 AM | Whatever his reasons are, they are not making you comfortable. Why not take something to his family to "thank him and his wife" for their generous treats of making you feel welcome. Make sure she is home when you deliver them and let them both know you can't stay because you have a "vistor" coming, then quickly leave. Make sure you give the gift you bring directly to HER...
If he comes around again after that, let him know full well that he is not welcome without his wife, that is DOES make you uncomfortable and you are not interested.
If it still doesn't stop.. simply catch her on her way in or out and ask her to please stop, pretending it is something they are both doing. She will or should, take care of the rest.
Ignore him and pay attention to her, he will back off or leave you no choice of how to react.
Act to stop the action before you are left with no choice but to react.
Good luck. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 45 | |
| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/4/2008 12:38:06 AM | Another few things on personal safety for you OP.
If you dont have mace...keep hairspray or something like that on you AND beside the bed.
Its not strong but it'll buy you time if you need it.
Also...I dunno what your gun laws are where you are...so if you dont own one...buy yourself a personal alarm that you keep again handy in your purse and by the bed at night.
Keep a phone/cellphone by the bed. Cellphones are better cos there's no external wiring that can be cut from outside the house assuming your not in a neighbourhood that has underground landlines.
If you realllllly want to keep a weapon like a knife beside the bed (not in plain view) then keep something like an apple with it. Apples need knives to cut them.
That means that should *something* happen...its not premeditated on your part even in self defence.
Same as mantrapping the yard...make it look "normal" incase he hurts himself if he comes onto your property
Thats a bit of free advice for all women 
Oh...I had a stalker...a real one.
Not an ex I didnt "tell" who was harassing me with phonecalls I was avoiding and starting stupid threads about *lol* | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/4/2008 12:44:59 AM | OP- Trust your instincts!
He is making you feel very uncomfortable and your red flags are shooting up all over the place.
MY red flags are shooting up just reading this!
We had a clerk working in our office. Her job was to file, pull files, whatever we needed her to do. She did not have an telephone because her job did not dictate one. Her husband used to call all day long on each of our phones and instead of asking for his wife, he would start up conversations with whoever's telephone he called. You could not get him off the phone. He thought he was the most charming man that ever lived. It was creepy and everyone's red flags were up. He used to invite us to their home all of the time which creeped everyone out all the more.
She started coming in with black eyes, bruises all over her body. I pulled her aside one day and tried to talk to her and all she could do was defend him.
This went on for quite a while and one day she didnt show up. It was on the news that night that the police had raided and busted this couple because he was having HER go out and lure teenage girls to their home and he would have sex with them, sometimes forcibly, sometimes plying them with alchohol or drugs.
They both went to prison and their children got taken away.
When I read your story.....I immediately started thinking about these people.
Please dont ignore your flags.....they are there for a reason.
Good Luck
PS: I dont know if this is allowed but if you go to familywatchdog dot com you can input your address and it will give you all of the registered offenders in your area another good tool to use for protection anytime. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/4/2008 1:13:30 AM | DID WE JUMP TO THE WRONG CONCLUSIONS?
Sometimes these forums don't always have the information in the original post to give a good suggestion. You have to read and read again. Maybe we are not looking at every angle. Sometimes we are quick to judge. Especially when it comes to men !
You said you are on maternity leave and you have other children as well. Does your children's father know anything about what this guy is doing? Are you pregnant now or already had your baby? Maybe that is why he is giving you food if you have given him the idea you are a single mother with hungry kids? Who knows? Cd"s ? Did you have a conversation discussing music? Geee let me see how this scenario can be. Pregnant single mother, living alone with her children , out of work? dang maybe we jumped to the wrong conclusion! Maybe he is actually trying to help? A little food to help out , a few free cd's to make you feel better.
He is a stay at home dad. Not a thing wrong with that either. With today's economy it is becoming more and more common . My daughter works full time while her husband stays at home with the kids . It works for them.
You said he had a previous marriage with 3 kids that he dosen't see. Why not? Maybe they don't live close enough . Plus it seems to me you know a lot of personal things about this man . Do you see him mistreating his children? Do you hear arguments coming from their apt? Maybe his wife isn't as depressed as she is tired as you said she works all the time. What kind of work did he do or has he always been out of work?
I had made an earlier post but then when I read your second post about being on maternity leave I got a wh0le different picture. We are all ready to have the man persecuted and strung up without knowing all the facts.
But you said you want him to stop giving you gifts. Then do what is very natural
J UST SAY NO THANK YOU ! | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/4/2008 2:45:59 AM | Establish boundaries...don't reward his behavior. Set the boundary, and stick to it. Be diplomatic with strength in your resolve. Greet him like a neighbor if he behaves. He may not be aware of what he's doing in an all inclusive realization, but help him along the way. Speak to his inner child even if appropriate..."Now Mr. Nieghbor, I believe we've talked about this haven't we?" "Ok now, have a nice day ok?"
Strike up a friendship with his wife. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/4/2008 6:46:23 AM |
P.S. I'm on maternity leave from my teaching position so I'm home a lot during the day.
Uggg, Ok... be really really careful you’re not reading more into this than is healthy. Simple say "no," to him. If you find that you’re worried to be home alone that is affecting your attention and you’re going to drive yourself insane being home a lot.
Your kids need you mentally as well and there is a really good chance you wouldn't know you were slipping into a bit of paranoia. His actions may have occurred and he may be too much in your space. Tell him no. But that doesn't mean psycho. Live your life in your world how you want to live it. Do not let your thoughts control your actions and make you too freaked out to be with those you are supposed to love.
If you are thinking about this more than you feel like you should be than believe yourself and talk to your Dr. You may not have stepped into a movie set. You may just be on edge from being a new mom, moving to a new location, being single (unless profile isn’t accurate), and starting out on this kind of scary adventure you are taking on alone (assuming you are single). Feeling extra paranoid about others intentions seems good and healthy. However, it doesn’t mean the worst is always correct. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/4/2008 9:50:11 AM | | haven't read all the posts to see if this was suggested.wait till his wife is home and return the dishes (sans food)to her and thank her for her husbands attention.see what she has to say about the situation. | |
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