| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/5/2008 5:38:07 AM | Wow. No good deed goes unpunished!
You're uncomfortable and wierded out by your neighbor's attention, in no way would I negate or belittle your instincts. Absolutely, politely but firmly let him know you are uncomfortable with the extent of attention since you obviously are. Thank him, let him know it's too much and it's making you uncomfortable. But, always a but, before we crucify the dude and barracade yourself in your home, why not ask some of your mutual neighbors about the guy? Does he do/done this for other people? What's happened in the past? Sure, check with the police and ask them if they are aware of any reason to be wary of the guy. If nothing else you've established a flag with authorities without getting noted as a drama flake yourself - you're just being cautious about someone you are uncomfortable about. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/6/2008 10:31:11 PM | Wow, you guys have been awesome with the empathy and suggestions. JoeyBlueEyes, Silken Fire, thank you so much for the info.
He left bakery buns hanging on my doorknob yesterday, but without the cakes and cookies that used to come with them. Today he gave me 2 pairs of his daughter's old jeans for my baby. OMG, I accepted them but I didn't know what to do! I think it was probably ok to accept second-hand jeans . . . ? He also gave me this candy that's supposed to substitute for coffee cuz he thinks I drink too much coffee - he even dumped out my coffee the other day.
What I can't stand is that when he talks to me he gets right in my face and I can smell his yucky breath and he often spits on me when he talks - it's so gross - I'm thinking I should get a hepatitis vaccine . . . I'm trying to talk to him less/spend less time outside when he's out there. I wish he would get a job! | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/6/2008 10:46:32 PM | | He dumped your coffee? WTF? How would that happen? Somebody who would dump out what I was drinking and tell me what I should be doing, etc., would get told exactly where to put it, talk about a perfect time to get mad and let him have it. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/6/2008 11:01:14 PM | pip- I think you have to set your neighbour straight very soon. He is infatuated by you to say the least- you are an attractive woman. All these gifts are over the top, especially for a opposite sex married neighbour that you haven't had much contact with the wife.
Like taking off a bandage- it will hurt a bit if you do it fast- but it will be done. Yes - there's a risk he will flip out and do something crazy- but it will happen sooner or later- and the longer you let him think this is going somewhere the worse it will get. Make sure you have friends around or a cell phone close by. If it gets bad- call the police- and then-time to move.
Even as a guy - I have had people try to force gifts on me to make you indebted to them as a "friend". Bike gangs and the Mafia do this to make sure you are somehow obligated to them once they give you something.
I hope this all works out well for you - be careful
To post above- exactly- he feels he can control what she drinks at this point- not a good sign- time to cut him off- he's obsessed or has "poor social skills" or is control freak. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:02:47 AM |
What I can't stand is that when he talks to me he gets right in my face and I can smell his yucky breath and he often spits on me when he talks - it's so gross - I'm thinking I should get a hepatitis vaccine . . . I'm trying to talk to him less/spend less time outside when he's out there. I wish he would get a job!
Pip... you're starting to worry me girl... Why aren't you backing away from this guy? How is he getting close enough to spit on you while he's talking?
Your wishes aren't enough... I hope to high heaven you don't end up regretting being nice instead of setting him straight... What's keeping you interacting with him? Are you scared? Worried he won't think you're a nice person? What? | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:09:15 AM | | try this , talk to him about a guy you like . become elusive , drive the poiint home by making a stand | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:24:03 AM | You have a few options:
1) say, no thanks.. no further explanation necessary.
2) similar to above, but if you feel like explaining, say, we enjoyed those, but no more now... we're good, but thank you for being a considerate neighbor. And, if he offers more, just say, no thanks.. but I'm going to have to pass. Thanks anyway and walk away. Don't let this man feel like he's becoming "special" in your life.
3) if you have a boyfriend or brother or close male friend or coworker who lives nearby, ask them to help out. Tell them he's making you uncomfortable and ask them to talk to him and make it stop. Be sure to let the neighbor guy think the other guy is interested in you..and he'll stop "marking his territory". Most guys will walk away when they realize another guy has already "claimed the territory".
4) what I do would do: Immediately intruct your children to not accept any gifts from ANYONE without your express permission. Point out the dangers of society and how sick people sometimes appear nice.. at first. Look, you don't know this guy... he may be just a frustrated stay at home husband (then why is he still at home if that's the case?) or he may just be a real jerk who is incapable of holding a job and needs constant reassurance from anyone who is in a position to judge him. In reality, he may not be all that nice, really, esp. given that now he has begun insulting you. He may be someone who is an angry person inside and needs others to lavish praise on him. If that' s not happening fast enough, he could get nasty. Sounds like he's already going down the nasty path if he's insulting you. Personally, if someone I barely knew insulted me, I'd let them have it with both barrels verbally. If he's insulting you, why are you even giving him any chance to talk to you? Next time he approaches you, say, I'm sorry, I can't talk, I'm busy. And if he hands you something, don't accept it, just shake your head and say, No Thank You. If he insists, he is pushing his will over yours. Tell him in a very direct manner with your body language and your voice.. NO Thank You.. Is there a problem here? Do not open your door to him. If he comes to the door, just grab your phone and say, Sorry, I'm busy and wave him off and put your ear to the phone. Don't open the door, don't stop for small talk or friendly banter. You have to stop giving any message that you are approachable. And, call the police and ask if they have any prior reports on the guy ! Also ask them to make a neighborhood watch call. They'll do that for a month and will do drive bys to see if things are okay. You can ask them to stop by your door as well. Why not do that? If he questions why they're there, you can just say, I asked them to come by. You owe no further explanation. Or, you can say, oh, he's my cousin, boyfriend, whatever. But avoid the guy and say NO Thanks to any further attempts on his part. If you're not a willing recipient, he may go seek out someone else who is. Just watch out and be sure his anger doesn't start to rise against you. If it does, BE very wary of the guy. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:24:34 AM | OMG!!
He is telling you what to do now? he dumped out your coffee? You need to get away from this guy NOW!...People like this prey on "nice" people because they know these women are too nice and feel guilt about sticking up for themselves against this type of man. DO NOT accept anything else from this man. If he puts it on your door, either leave it there for days or throw it away where he can see that you did it. You DO NOT have to be friendly to this man if he makes you uncomfortable. I'm afraid you are setting yourself up for something more serious if you continue to be nice. Stand up for yourself. Give him back anything he has given you, like the jeans. Put them on his door and avoid him at all costs....This seems creepy to me. If you can't avoid him, get friendly with his wife. That may deter him, if he is looking to cheat, but if he is really a freak like he sounds, he could be dangerous. I would mention this situation to the police if there are any problems after you assert yourself. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:21:52 PM | OPie sure enjoys our attention, doesn't she? Thanks us so much (well, not me) for all the great advice, so heartfelt and chummy.
The thing is, the balance of advice has been to draw a line and cut him off - to say 'no more.' And yet, she is still accepting his gifts and rationalizing it. She is still talking to him and complaining about it, instead of turning and walking away. She has, clearly, taken none of that 'great advice.' In fact, she is as welcoming to him as she is to all of us.
Some people like attention, sure. And some people have no personal boundaries. Some people actually let anyone do anything, rather than make their own choice or set any standards for their lives. Like OPie, such people will often rationalize this. They will say they are 'being polite,' and that they don't want to 'hurt anyone's feelings.' Consistently, they say anyone's feelings - not his feelings. They tell us this way that they won't make a choice or draw a line under any circumstances. I get the helpless feeling, listening to folks talk in these self-effacing circles, that they would rather be assaulted, or see their children assaulted, than deny themselves anybody's attention.
I know there is often childhood abuse, sexual or otherwise, in the life of a person who can't or won't set boundaries. I have also known such folks who insisted they never suffered abuse, even as they seemed, like OPie, to invite it. They just don't say 'no.' Whether it's a matter of 'can't' or 'won't' isn't important. That's a question the police never ask once something happens.
OPie likes attention, and doesn't turn it down from anyone. Am I the only one with a pretty clear idea how she got pregnant in the first place? I would bet a cherry pie that someone insisted a little, and she didn't say yes, but didn't say no, either.
I'm saying it looks like her babydaddy, her stalker, and we are all exactly the same to her. We're giving her attention, and she won't turn it down.
Ew.
V | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:22:12 PM | I want him to leave me alone!
Ok.
I'm trying to talk to him less/spend less time outside when he's out there. I wish he would get a job!
Huh?
What's keeping you interacting with him? Are you scared? Worried he won't think you're a nice person? What?
Yeah, good question Silken Fire. Wondering that myself actually....
The thing is, the balance of advice has been to draw a line and cut him off - to say 'no more.' And yet, she is still accepting his gifts and rationalizing it. She is still talking to him and complaining about it, instead of turning and walking away. She has, clearly, taken none of that 'great advice.' In fact, she is as welcoming to him as she is to all of us. Haha I agree with my nemesis on this point...
.... Am I the only one with a pretty clear idea how she got pregnant in the first place? OUCH!! Aren't you going a tad too far with this? .... hmmm... ..... maybe not.....
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:27:47 PM | Your only solution is moving.
After you use all posted advise, you will be incurring a new phase of craziness from this guy that will be more menacing than what you've had thus far. The girl he's with now knows this, but her depression is from a trapped stand point; not, for whatever reason, taking action.
You have to move! | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:33:09 PM | | You need a rent-a-boyfriend. I've played this part in the past and it usually works. Find a nice man that you are friends with and have him escort you home a few times. Have him hold your hand and act cozy and make sure the neighbor hears you talk about his soon to be frequent visits. Even better have your "boyfriend" give the neighbor an evil stare or two. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:42:59 PM | | She shouldn't have to move and if she lets this happen, she may find another "crazy neighbor" at her new place as well. She needs to quit accepting things and quit giving this guy mixed messages. He sounds crazy, but to be fair she has never told him to STOP! so he takes this as encouragement. She needs to say STOP! before she can know what his intentions are. It could be he really is crazy, or it could be he's trying to find a friend, or could be he is looking for a mistress, or is trying to get close to her kids for sick reasons. Whatever he is looking for, she has not deterred him. STOP telling him his actions are ok by your actions of accepting his gifts and being nice. And if he invades your personal space, TELL him so. Also, why is it you can't avoid him? Take your children to a park instead of the watching them play in the complex. If they are inside, don't answer the door if he comes over. Otherwise, you are contributing to the problem. Most serial killers prey on the "niceness" of woman. Why struggle with a victim if you can get one to come with you willingly? geesh, open your eyes and take your life back. You have given this man too much control over yours. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 12:48:01 PM | Cookie's got a good point. I too have played that part for gal pals of mine. Some of it was online, others in person.
Surely there's got to be some stuff your rent-a-boyfriend could do outside the house. (Wash the car, change the oil, pull weeds, replace a light fixture, etc.)
Oh, and "No thank you." on the gifts & attention needs to be step 1. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 1:10:47 PM | pip35 I feel for You, I know first hand how this sort of person can take away your comfort zone to the point that while at home -you really are not at home - afraid to go outside etc.... pip35 pray fro him and pray for guidance, so to be at peace.
You will then be firmly kind when you reject his benevolences. He is becoming under the surface mean with you, for he knows you are not keen to his intentions -simply because there really is no Good in his intent to be seeming helpful & giving. People who want to be helpful and giving do not trample over boundaries - including their own ! >>> Parents are "vulnerable" to others while raising children >>>they need others to display good moral judgement while interacting in their child's area. Far too often vulnerabilities are a means to take advantage of one another, instead of truly "loving thy neighbour" . These sorted displays - warrant rejection on this one basis >>> boundaries -his and yours. No respect for either.
I also want to add that no matter what you do or say he won't get IT. Accept this while keeping up the awesome job of parenting and protecting your family from would be predators in sheeps clothing. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 1:32:50 PM | You're enabling him by accepting his "gifts" over and over and over again!
Screw trying to be nice and "not hurt his feelings." WHO CARES!
If I were you, I'd keep a very close eye on your children- they are the most vulnerable in the position. People like HIM, know this!
Red flags everywhere here. Cut ALL contact off w/him- no matter what. Just cuz he's your neighbor, dont mean shit.
Have a chat with your landlord and give him/her the "heads up" on how friendly this guy is to you- casually bring it up in conversation with other tenants and dig for information without making yourself sound like youre nosey- per se.
Compare notes!
.........and then put the fear of God in his ass if he steps one foot closer to you AND your children.
Take NO shit! | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 7:03:53 PM | Shieldvulf, you're right that I'm not taking the advice to cut off all contact. But asking for advice does not mean I have to take it.
As for your claim that I'm seeking attention, um, isn't that what people do here - ask for advice? I find it kindof ironic that you would be in a chat room telling a poster she's attention-seeking.
As for your comment about how I got pregnant (which I'm not), you lose any credibility you may have had.
You work for a non-profit? HS, I hope it isn't one where you have to have compassion for anything! | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 8:14:07 PM | pip -A question,
If you want him to leave you alone, if he creeps you out, if he makes you uncomfortable...all things you have said here that he does....
Then WHY would you not take the advice of Vulf or anyone else here who all seem to be concerned for your welfare and that of your children's?
You are right..you do not have to take anyone's advice, but it stuns me that you won't protect yourself (and more importantly, your kids) from a possible real threat.
I don't know enough facts...can only go on what you say. This guy could be just overly-friendly and harmless or he could be a total nutjob. The fact that he's controlling and angry with you after only 6 weeks of knowing you tells me he's the latter. He dumped your coffee? Totally out of line..and please tell me it was a to-go cup and this happened outside and that he wasn't in your home.
If you keep up a relationship with him, you'll have nobody but yourself to blame if the s*it hits the fan and he goes mental. Please be careful. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 8:45:41 PM |
But asking for advice does not mean I have to take it...... As for your claim that I'm seeking attention, um, isn't that what people do here - ask for advice?
Help me - I want him to leave me alone! But he's my neighbour who I will see practically every day (we live in a townhouse complex). HELP!
Does this look like she was asking for advice?
No, it looks like she is scared and was asking for help.
Now in page 4, it seems she is ok just carrying on more or less as is with the situation, and gathering advice from everyone that she can later think about and discuss.
Haha, looks like there is nothing to panic about after all folks... we just got our chains yanked again by another thread author thats all.... ho hum.... off to the next OMG drama.... | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 10:10:40 PM | | Same thing happened to a friend of mine...went on for years until she moved. Even though she had nothing to do with him. His obsession wont stop until you leave the scene. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 10:23:01 PM | My suggestion...develop really bad breath or body odor for situations where you feel you will run into him, this will surely divert him wanting to talk to you, at least up close....lol
I'd guess he clings to you because he is lonely for female companionship being stuck at home raising the kids. I'd also suggest having some male friends drop by when you might be outside, so he gets the picture that you are not alone or lonely, like him. Take the kids to a park, get them away from the house and from him. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/7/2008 11:41:32 PM | | Get friendly with his wife. Insist on talking only about her when he tries to chat with you. Invite her over for a girl's activity. Be firm if you want to be alone outside and he's trying to talk. I would start to get a little more blunt about it each time until he gets the hint (start cutting him off more quickly in the conversation), stop accepting gifts. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/8/2008 12:49:56 AM | What dum ass said .... OPie likes attention, and doesn't turn it down from anyone. Am I the only one with a pretty clear idea how she got pregnant in the first place? I would bet a cherry pie that someone insisted a little, and she didn't say yes, but didn't say no, either.
what i say...
WOW u sound like a real winner, maybe u yourself are one of those creeps!! maybe u ar on the sex offenders list by that comment. Anger management may help u!!
as for the creep....I live in langley (pratically your neighbour) invite me over & i will tell him where to go for ya... Just avoid him, best idea. I myself hate confrontation but when it comes to your & your kids saftey grow a set gal. | |
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| Crazy Neighbour - help me!
Posted: 9/8/2008 12:53:40 AM | be polite but never personal
never make it so it's just to two of you alone , and if it is , keep that time as limited as possible.
STOP STOP STOP accepting any/all gifts
seems like a good start.... | |
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