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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:56:18 PM | A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/26/2008 10:38:54 AM | | an indian walk into a bar with a shotgun in one hand a bucket of shit and a cat in the other hand . walk to the bar tells the bartender to give him a drink .he drank the drink threw the shit on the floor shot it threw the cat down and chase it out the door. a while later came back into the bar same things in his arm and hand. tells the bartender to give him another drink, got the drink drank it threw the shit on the floor shot it threw the cat down and chase it out the door.now the bartender was wondering what the heck was going on. well a while later indian came back into the bar same things in his hands walk up to the bar order another drink. the bartender said to the indian before i will give you another drink , i wont to no what the hell is going on. the indian said me want to be like white man me want to drink the booze, shoot the shit and chase the ****. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/26/2008 2:52:42 PM | A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year-old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.'
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year-old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass' in it".
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in
hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay in there until I let you out.'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.' | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/27/2008 9:10:03 AM | The Centipede:
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which
came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?
But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his
face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......
A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ing shoes on!'
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/29/2008 5:04:19 AM | SAD STORY
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny.
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/29/2008 8:09:53 AM | | Thanks Guys for the good laughs this morning. Especially Teapot for the Nora in 302. I would venture to say nearly all of us have been in Nora's position at one time or another. You All have a great day, you have just added to mine. Chuck | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/30/2008 5:31:47 AM | SAD NEWS
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny.
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 10/1/2008 5:02:49 PM | I do not know why that one came up again. It was not what I posted. I will try again.
What Happens When You Get Blonde Genies?
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde Genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 Bill s.
Then, there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful Women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.' | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:52:16 PM | An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she is driving a car.
As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man’s room again, he jumps out.
He’s stark naked and has an erection.
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, “Oh No, not the breathalyzer again.”
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 10/8/2008 1:32:00 PM | I loved it Tater Bug...
Investment tips for 2009.
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros
and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected
mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in later this year:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace
Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 10/8/2008 4:33:49 PM |  Anyone have any Depends? BibleReader, you sure know how to tell 'em!! Just what we all needed, a good laugh. Thanks bunches!!!! | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 10/10/2008 12:33:49 PM | The following was copied from a 70+ singles forum. The identifying information was deleted.
Quote from (male):
I am a high milage, poorly maintained 1937 model. My fenders are caked with Carolina red clay and my front end is badly out of line.
Reply by (female):
Probably fixable. I'm sure a little workout would get that front end back in line.
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 10/10/2008 5:27:55 PM | A Blonde's Year in Review:
1. January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
2. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."Duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
3. March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
4. April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
5. May - Tried to make Kool-Aid... learned 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
6. June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
7. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
8. August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
9. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
10. October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
11. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
12. December - Couldn't call 911....."Duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!! | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 10/10/2008 9:00:16 PM | A blonde woman was having financial troubles she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note:
"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $1,000 in a plain brown
bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM."
Signed, "The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and
told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$1,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag with the cash was the following note:
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another." | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 10/10/2008 9:01:34 PM | The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
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'**stards won't let me fart.' | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 10/12/2008 11:34:09 AM | A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" the man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 10/13/2008 6:41:13 PM | BLONDE BAPTIST COWGIRL
>
>A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
>orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a
>sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to
>the bar and orders three more.
>
>The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes
>flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
>time."
>
>The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
>Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
>Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
>when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters
>and one for myself."
>
>The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
>
>The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
>way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
>
>One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
>notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
>round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
>I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
>
>The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her
eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my
>husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
>
>"Hasn't affected my sisters though.
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| Some chuckles.....:-)
Posted: 10/13/2008 7:44:58 PM | 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why D id Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile
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| Some chuckles.....:-)
Posted: 10/14/2008 3:14:43 PM | | why did the little moron take a ladder to the party?????????????????????? he heard the drinks where on the house..... | |
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| Some chuckles.....:-)
Posted: 10/14/2008 7:31:46 PM | A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was
brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide but before he could stop him, Harry answered "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong. | |
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| Some chuckles.....:-)
Posted: 10/14/2008 7:47:35 PM | Weinie Dog
--------------
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took
his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day,
the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long
the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble
now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with
his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims
loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder
if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride,
as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the
trees.
"Whew, " says the leopard. "That was
close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good
use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the
dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figured that
something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the
leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen
to that conniving
canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey
on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending
he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close
enough to hear the dachshund says "Where's that
damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard."
MORAL OF THE STORY?
IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE THEN BAFFLE
THEM WITH BS!! | |
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