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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 11/5/2008 5:15:27 AM | A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!" | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 11/5/2008 5:15:53 AM | A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 11/6/2008 4:44:05 PM | MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a ****..... | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 11/6/2008 5:33:35 PM | Why do single women never fart ? Cause they don't have an A**hole till they get married .  | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 11/8/2008 10:32:07 AM | What are you selling ---
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well, only two left.' | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 11/21/2008 11:05:51 AM | Now that the election is over, I hear that Sarah Palin is going to show
there is
no animosity about losing the election.
She has invited both Obama and Biden on a
moose hunting trip.
She has already lined up****Cheney to teach gun safety and
Ted Kennedy to drive them to their cabins after the pre-hunt party. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 12/1/2008 12:22:25 PM | CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN???
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal
car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up,
they asked him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is
still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if t hey were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it
doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in
Heaven 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter,
red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?'
asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest
up here ! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer ?' | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 12/8/2008 10:28:51 AM | this is FROM news of the odd on yahoo. but won't it be great if they did this in Arkansas?
Or Congress made the Auto unions and the Big Three roll back all their wages and just get a free leased vehicle from GM, Ford, etc that they use and then own after 5-6 years and can sell then. it would be something for them to do with previous years models that dont sell when they start the new year models coming out.
-30-
Belgian car dealer offers second car for free
BRUSSELS (Reuters) – Buy one, get one free: it's a familiar sales pitch for happy-hour****ails or last season's fashions, but now a Belgian car dealer is luring customers with just that line.
Antwerp-based Cardoen, which sells about 10,000 new and nearly new cars per year, started the promotion at the end of November and said it would run until December 15.
During that period, customers can choose from a range of new, full-price cars -- the cheapest being a 22,800 euro (19,878 pound) Hyundai van -- and then pick a second free vehicle from a selection that goes up to 14,000 euros.
"People have been coming in from all over Belgium and abroad," Cardoen's Commercial Director Ivo Willems said, adding that Cardoen's eight showrooms had seen more than 10 times their usual number of visitors since the promotion began.
"People will still buy cars, you just have to give them as much advantage as possible, to sell in an innovative way."
Willems said Cardoen was able to run the promotion without losing money because distributors in southern Europe had been so desperate to get cars off their lots that they were selling them to Cardoen at large discounts.
The move underscores how difficult the situation has become for an auto industry buckling under a global economic downturn.
Belgian new car registrations fell 16.4 percent year-on-year in November, according to data released on Monday. In Spain, sales nearly halved.
Willems said Cardoen had yet to see an impact on its sales from the downturn.
(Reporting by Anne Jolis; editing by Elizabeth Piper) | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 12/9/2008 6:24:04 AM | I wrote to Santa and asked for a baby brother.
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Santa wrote back, "Send me your mother."
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 12/11/2008 1:36:17 AM | Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so
I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.'
Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.' | |
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| In memory of Betty Page
Posted: 12/12/2008 7:35:31 AM | I'm not looking for a Betty Page, I will settle for Elvira.
lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzNW7IBXL_A | |
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| Humor?
Posted: 12/12/2008 8:37:34 AM | Betty...the brunette idol of baby boy boomers. hubba, hubba.
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A fellow walks into a bar and the darn fool has an old ships wheel strapped around his waist. The bartender asks him what the ships wheel is for. He says, "Oh, this thing is drivin' me nuts."
Later, the bartender looks up just in time to see a priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into his bar. He says, "Hey, what is this? Some kind of joke?" | |
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| Central Arkansas Humor
Posted: 12/15/2008 8:04:50 PM | A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'
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| Central Arkansas Humor
Posted: 12/16/2008 6:15:54 AM | | Great to see the forum still here !So heard a cute one to tell anywhere. President Busch seen moses in the dessert and yelled come here moses ! Moses looked up and kept walking.Pres Busch yells out Come over here ,I need your advice !!!! Again Moses kept walking . Finally Pres Busch walks over in front of Moses and asks , Why have you not even acknopwledged me or spoken at all ? Moses looks at his feet then finally looks up and says,Well the last time I spoke to a Bush I roamed the dessert for 40 yrs !!! Merry christmas all... | |
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| Central Arkansas Humor
Posted: 12/17/2008 8:16:40 PM | 3 semi good jokes
WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Indiana and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"
Subject: Fw: Fw: SENIOR BREAKFAST SPECIAL
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!!
Even non-seniors will appreciate it!!!!!
--
See ya!
Judy
* One beautiful December evening Pedro and his**
girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.*
* It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,*
* "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."**
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita*
* Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweech u with me."*
*Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."*
*Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....*
"Wee Weechu a Merry Christmas,
Wee Weechu a Merry Christmas,
Wee Weechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
**MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!** | |
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| Central Arkansas Humor
Posted: 12/18/2008 8:00:21 AM | A wife asked her husband what he wanted for Christmas.
"Something that goes from 0 to 250 in three seconds flat," he replied.
On christmas day he unwrapped a bathroom scale.
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| Central Arkansas Humor
Posted: 12/19/2008 4:11:13 PM | DON'T LEAVE, I WILL BE RIGHT BACK!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'
"Stay Stay"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
Why don't you just put it in "PARK" ? ! ! ! ! !
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| Central Arkansas Humor
Posted: 12/22/2008 1:28:41 PM | A gynecologist had become fed up with the malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to find another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had been given a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, 'I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?'
The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total grade, you then put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark....'
After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50%, because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done before in my entire career! | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 12/26/2008 8:30:06 PM | A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'
If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will! | |
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| Central Arkansas Humor
Posted: 12/28/2008 2:06:15 PM | Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw.
All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it. He was screwed.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house...and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!  Jubilant, he leaped out of bed…and his butt fell off.
The moral to this is: 'Don't screw around with things you don't understand --You could lose your ass.'
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 1/3/2009 4:46:21 PM | NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!! | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 1/3/2009 4:46:50 PM | NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt,
and dance like no one's watching.
Brad | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 1/6/2009 6:56:22 PM | An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he
was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on....
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled
around and screamed,
 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!' | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:23:05 PM | The Loyal Wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I go t it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
Moral of the story:
Women are more clever,than Men.....
Send this to a clever woman you know, or a man with a good sense of humor! | |
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