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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 2/19/2009 7:45:00 PM | successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks"
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)
pHONE REPAIR
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 2/20/2009 8:18:38 PM | I went grocery shopping this weekend at Wal-Mart, which in hindsight may not have been very wise. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.
>> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after
>> two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
>> No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their >>way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual
>> morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and
>> lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of
>> just when, I bravely set off for the Wal-Mart grocery store for some
>> tasty breakfast and lunch tidbits.
>>
>> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a
>> cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It
>> wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms
>> that the pain hit me. Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. >> I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the >> wrong time.
>> The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the
>> night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied >> their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large
>> intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the
>> restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a >> warning shot.
>>
>> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
>> enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
>> recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
>> might escape me.
>> Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the
>> lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it,
>> just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do
>> it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the invisible but
>> odorous cloud that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it
>> unsuspecting.
>>
>> Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
>> Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to
>> relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched
>> as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of
>> odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
>> running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head
>> as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
>> terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.....
>>
>> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
>> 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an
>> explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
>> echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
>> fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
>>
>> Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced
>> off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
>> whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
>> place.
>>
>> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
>> began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because
>> my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.... One poor fellow walked in while I
>> was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He >>made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofa****!', then quickly >> left.
>>
>> Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
>> filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
>> approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
>> minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
>> The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
>> which ought to take care of the problem.'
>>
>> That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
>> escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up
>> to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
>> 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I
>> was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too
>> kindly not to return.
>>
>> Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was
>> nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
>> The next day I went to shop at Kroger's. I can't say anymore about that
>> because we are in court over the whole matter. **stards claim they're
>> going to have to repaint the store. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 2/26/2009 1:13:24 PM | This Is hysterical!!!!!
Gotta Love Those Old FOlks!!!!
Old Timers Sex
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'
Oh well...made me smile!!!
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 2/26/2009 8:08:33 PM | Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
“Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents.
“Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, “Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him...”
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
You know you laughed and are going to send this on! | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 3/2/2009 2:41:27 PM | The 6 Affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded..
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying &@+=@@@!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home "I have something to show you, you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a @#$!ed thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 3/2/2009 2:43:31 PM | (Added on to the 6th affair ......)
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work." | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 3/4/2009 5:20:12 PM | Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella,
was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband
as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable
condition, and Louella has been charged with .....
?
?
?
?
?
A Misdewiener!
You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody! Oh yeah......You bet I am......................lol...........................................
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 3/14/2009 5:39:03 AM | ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun ~ A great gift for the wife. A Guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their Anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th Anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....?! WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head****d to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ---->HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ..... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE HELL!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my NUTS and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 3/14/2009 5:43:54 PM | Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 3/18/2009 8:05:18 PM | THE CREMATED HUSBAND
Martha lost her husband three weeks ago. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table. The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.
She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes.
'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money!'
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'
'Here it comes..
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 3/21/2009 5:52:41 AM | Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
‘Tell him to drop dead!’ says Murphy's wife.
‘I’ll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 3/21/2009 9:52:14 AM | One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the p eanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing..
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when
he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.' | |
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| Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 3/27/2009 9:50:39 AM | Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER
-- $50.00--"
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 3/29/2009 5:58:09 PM | A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a
box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for
him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty
manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"Not one hand went up ... so she took them home
and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 3/30/2009 6:55:52 AM | Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 4/2/2009 11:12:13 AM | A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more.
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s#*t.
The End | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 4/4/2009 8:25:59 PM | Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you
think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just imagining how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and
done everything! | |
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| The Lone Ranger
Posted: 4/5/2009 5:04:37 PM | | The Lone Ranger was captured by a Indian tribe. The Indian chief proclaims that in honor of the Harvest festival, he would be executed in 3 days. The chief then grants him 3 requests, one each day before he dies. What is your first request the chief exclaimed: The Lone Ranger say's I'd like to speak to my horse, the chief nods and a warrior brings in Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear, the horse runs away and later that evening returns with a beautiful blonde woman. The cheif watches as she enters Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The next morning the cheif say's I'am very impressed with you and the horse, but you still only have two days left. Then the chief say's what is your second request: Once again the Lone Ranger asks to speak with his horse. After whispering in Silver's ear the horse runs away only to return that afternoon with a brunette and once again the Lone Ranger and the woman entered the tent for the night. The next morning the Chief say's what is your third request before you die in the morning? The Lone Ranger asks to speak to the horse again, once they're alone he grabs silver by the ear and says "listen very carfully, for the last time. I said "Bring Posse!!!" | |
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| home sweet home
Posted: 4/6/2009 7:42:42 PM | Where Would You Be!
WHERE WOULD YOU BE:
IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS OR PETS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
Well....... HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG PUCKIN' HOUSE!
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| are you OK?
Posted: 4/8/2009 5:44:46 PM | Subject: FW: Are you OK?
Unidentified Body
Today local police found a man's body on a back road nearby.
They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls,Wrinkled Ass and a
Small Pecker.
I am worried.
Let me know if you're OK. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 4/15/2009 8:09:37 PM | Subject: The night of April 1st-
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you please state your age?
>
>
>
> Little Old Lady:
> I am 86 years old..
>
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
>
>
>
> Little Old Lady:
> There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
> when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..
>
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you know him?
>
>
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, but he sure was friendly.
>
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened after he sat down?
>
>
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He started to rub my thigh.
>
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him?
>
>
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I didn't stop him.
>
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
>
>
> Little Old Lady:
> It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..
>
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
>
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He began to rub my breasts..
>
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him then?
>
>
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I did not stop him.
>
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
>
>
> Little Old Lady:
> His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
>
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
>
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
> 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
>
>
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did he take you?
>
>
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little **stard.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> *
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
--
Karmar Clifton
Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom; and with all thy getting get understanding!
Proverbs 4:7 | |
|
| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 4/27/2009 7:07:43 PM | Important Message About Growing Old
Shit.
I Forgot What
I was going to tell you .
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|
| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 4/28/2009 9:07:31 PM | THE FARMER AND THE ROOSTER
An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “Oh, that is my pet rooster, Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes.”
“I am sorry sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can not allow animals in the theater.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He found a seat next to two old widows named Gloria and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Gloria.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.
“He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Gloria.
“Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge.
“Heck, at our age we’ve seen them all.”
“I thought so too,” said Marge,
“but this one’s eating my popcorn!”
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