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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 5/6/2009 6:04:36 PM | Boy Parts & Girl Parts!
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, ''I have something to tell you about your child...''
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, ''What's wrong with it?''
The doctor says, ''There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite.''
The woman looks confused. ''A hermaphrodite, what's that?''
The doctor replies, ''It has both features of a male and a female.''
The woman looks at him and says "whew"... "You mean it has a penis AND a brain?
Hope my gender will forgive me
Live in my own little world.
But it's
OK...
They know me here!
Brad | |
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| Some chuckles.....:-)
Posted: 5/15/2009 8:37:53 PM | Annette agreed to ride in Horrible Henrys old truck.
At the first redlight, Horrible Henry ran the light, didnt even slow down.
Annette had been a little apprehensive about riding with Horrible Henry in his old truck but she didn't say anything.
When Horrible Henry got to the next red light, he ran it too.
That was too much for Annette and she told him so.
Horrible Henry says, "Don't worry. My brother always runs red lights and nothing bad happens."
Annette didn't like that answer but she didn't say anything til the next red light when Horrible Henry ran it too.
Again Horrible Henry told her, "Dont worry. My brother always runs redlights and nothing bad happens."
The next traffic light was green but Horrible Henry stopped.
Annette is thoroughly angry now and screams, "Why did you stop when it's green?"
Henry says, "My brother might be coming." | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:34:28 PM | Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly - wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: 'Gosh, I remember these.
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right? | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 6/16/2009 7:26:58 PM | PREGNANT BLONDE
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck,' and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more!'
I asked, 'What do you mean there's more?'
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!' Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said.... 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive! | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 6/18/2009 5:12:32 PM | What is the difference
between
Bird Flu and Swine flu?
For bird flu you need
tweetment
and
for swine flu you need
oinkment.
 | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 7/6/2009 8:33:52 PM | Yes, this is slightly off topic, but about FUNNY stuff. IF not Interested, just skip
Late notice, but Just checked a female comedian will be at the LOONEY BIN Thursday.
And Ladies are Free on Thursdays. Men are $6. So Ladies, treat yourself and a male friend to a night out by picking up the snacks after he buys his own ticket!
Below is from the website for the comedy house at i-430 and Rodney parham at Brackenridge.. shopping center by the movie theater.
Show starts at 8 pm and videos start when they open door and they are very Good.
Drop a line if you need more information or interested in dinner first but they serve enough food to feed a Squadron of hungry airmen.
KRISTEN KEY
WEDNESDAY JULY 8TH TO SATURDAY JULY 11TH
PREACHERS KID GONE WILD!!! TWENTY FIVE YEAR OLD KRISTEN SEEMS LIKE A SWEET, SEXY, WELL BEHAVED PREACHERS KID........................................................... UNTIL SHE OPENS HER MOUTH, THAT IS. HER FEARLESS EDGY STYLE OF COMEDY MAKES PEOPLE LAUGH ABOUT THE SILLY THINGS THEY NORMALLY WOULD NEVER THINK ABOUT.
AS SEEN ON: "LAST COMIC STANDING", NATIONAL LAMPOON COMEDY & THE COMEDY CHANNEL.
KRISTEN IS A FAVORITE ON THE BOB-N-TOM SHOW, AS HEARD ON XM 7 SIRIUS RADIO.
VISIT KRISTEN AT: www.kristenkey.com
FEATURE: DANIEL DUGGAR RATED: R
click for rating description
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TOMMY BLAZE
WEDNESDAY JULY 15TH SATURDAY JULY 18TH
A VETERAN COMIC, TOMMY HAS APPEARED IN EVERY GAS STATION, RESIDENCE, WAREHOUSE, FARM HOUSE, HENHOUSE, OUT HOUSE AND DOG HOUSE IN AMERICA. HIS COMEDY IS FOR ALL FROM SINGLE TO GAY, YOUNG TO MISGUIDED TO EASILY OFFENDED. TOMMY WILL STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT AS HE MAKES YOU LAUGH.
VISIT TOMMY AT: www.tommyblazecomic.com
FEATURE JOHNNY O
RATED: SR
click for rating description
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RICK GUTIERREZ
WEDNESDAY JULY 22ND TO SATURDAY JULY 25TH
FAST PACED, RAPID FIRE HUMOR ABOUT MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS AND OF COURSE HIS HISPANIC BACKGROUND. AS SEEN ON: COMEDY CENTRAL AND IN THE LATINO LAUGH FESTIVAL.
VISIT RICK AT: www.myspace.com/funnyrickg
Feature: MATT GOLIGHTLY
RATED: R
click for rating description
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MICHAEL MACK & THE FACES OF ROCK
WEDNESDAY JULY 29TH TO SATURDAY AUGUST 1ST
LAUGH TIL YOU PUKE WITH MICHAEL MACK & THE FACES OF ROCK. HE'S BEEN ON THE BOB-N-TOM SHOW, "THE JOHNBOY & BILLY SHOW" AND AMERICA'S FUNNIEST PEOPLE.
MICHAEL HAS ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING ENDINGS OF ANY ACT ANYWHERE, "THE BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY MUSICAL FINALE", SO YOU'LL WANT TO COME SEE THIS SPECTACULAR EVENT.
VISIT MICHAEL AT: www.michaelmack.net
FEATURE:WARD ANDERSON
RATED: R
click for rating description
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RAHN RAMEY
WEDNESDAY AUGUST 5TH TO SATURDAY AUGUST 9TH
A 20 YEAR COMEDY VETERAN, RON BRINGS HIS SMOOTH, POLISHED STYLE, CLEVER, WELL WRITTEN MATERIAL AND RAZOR SHARP WIT TO LITTLE ROCK.
AS SEEN ON: ALL MAJOR COMEDY NETWORKS AND PROGRAMS INCLUDING: HBO, SHOWTIME, COMEDY CENTRAL, EVENING AT THE IMPROV AND BET.
FEATURE: JAMES SIBLEY
RATED: SR
click for rating description
SPECIAL PERFORMANCES | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:38:46 AM | Two men were out fishing at their favorite spot and being very quiet so as not to scare the fish.
Bob whispered in his friends ear, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife because she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.
Earl continues sipping his beer, the thoughtfully replies, "You better think it over, Bob, women like that are hard to find."
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 8/13/2009 4:26:56 PM | This may be the best
Living Will I've Seen
I, your wife/ mother / friend, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means .
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills .
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Glass of wine
Cup of coffee
Margarita
Sex
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Cup of coffee
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better . When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
Have a Drink IT'S 5 O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE
mAXINE | |
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| Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 8/15/2009 12:23:37 PM | One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know
when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK,
but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband
getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located
in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full
of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned
in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice, said,
'Your wife's **** doesn't stink any more'. We washed and shaved it,
and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.
God only knows who the father is! 'Then he closed the door'.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN | |
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| Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 8/18/2009 1:41:26 PM | My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk..
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft voice. 'Makes your****look bigger.'
.....Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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| Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 8/19/2009 3:52:53 PM | A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already..
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$150'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$350'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$500'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now.....
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| Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 8/19/2009 6:44:46 PM | Luther moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
"Dear Luther,
Thank you for the picture. I had it framed and hung it in the living room for everyone to see. But you really should change your hair style... it makes your nose look short.
Love,
Grandma"
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 8/22/2009 5:16:53 PM | Subject: FW: How to make a woman happy...every man should know this
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3.. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
Live in my own little world.
But it's
OK...
They know me here!
Brad | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 8/24/2009 5:33:16 PM | 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Tommy Bourdreaux?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Tommy Boudreaux, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or
later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Leblanc?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Thibodeaux?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Hebert?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Breaux?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Robicheaux, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Tommy
Boudreaux, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself.
Tommy walks back to his pew and his friend Marcel slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
"4 months vacation and five good leads."
VERY FUNNY!!
In case things get a little tough during the next few months we in
LOUISIANA, TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, & ARKANSAS have a plan.
Maybe you don't know it, but LOUISIANA , TEXAS , OKLAHOMA , &
ARKANSAS HAVE legal right to secede from the Union . (Reference the
Texas/LOUISIANA-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)
US TEXOKISIANSAS love y'all Americans, but we'll probably have to take
action since Barack Obama won the election and is now the President of the
U.S.A. We'll miss ya'll though.
Here is what can happen:
1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the United
States , begins to try and create a socialist country, then Texas ,
LOUISIANA , ARKANSAS , & OKALAHOMA announces that it is going to secede from
the Union .
2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of
TEXOKISIANSAS . You might think that he doesn't talk too pretty, but we
haven't had another terrorist attack and the economy was fine until the
effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came to
roost.
So what does TEXOKISIANSAS have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the space
industry.
2. We refine over 90% of the gasoline in the United States .
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess
with THE SOUTH," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of TEXOKISIANSAS
will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we
don't know. Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again, we have all we need and it's too bad about
those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will just have to figure out a
way to keep them warm...
6. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips
and communications equipment - small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell
Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD,
Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Misconduct, Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel,
Alcatel, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research,
the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as
other large health centers.
8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter
citizens: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, UNIVERSITY OF
OKLAHOMA , OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY, UL-LAFAYETTE, UL-MONORE, UNIVERSITY OF
ARKANSAS , LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY , ARKANSAS STATE UNIVERSITY .
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it isn't
restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in TEXOKISIANSAS, we are a Right to Work
State and, therefore, it's every man and woman for themselves. We just go
out and get the job done.. And if we don't like the way one company
operates, we get a job somewhere else.
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance
industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the TEXOKISIANSAS National
Guard, the TEXOKISIANSAS Air National Guard, and several military bases. We
don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles
and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the
situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public
Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and
several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood
from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they
taste good. We don't need any food...
13. FIVE of the ten largest cities in the United States , and THIRTY
TWO of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in
TEXISIANSAS. And TEXOKISIANSAS also has more land than California , New York
, New Jersey , Connecticut , Delaware , Hawaii , Massachusetts , Maryland ,
Rhode Island , and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: FIVE of the ten largest ports in the United States are
located in TEXOKISIANSAS
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You
see, nothing rusts in TEXOKISIANSAS so our vehicles stay beautiful and run
well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of
TEXIOKSIANSAS in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and
don't have.
Now to the rest of you folks in the United States under President
Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only
President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest
of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off
satellite communications.
You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr.
Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you
survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
In other words, the rest of ya'll in the USA are screwed!
Signed, The People of TEXOKISIANSAS
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you
something to think about!
Sleep well tonight 'cause the eyes of TEXOKISIANSAS are on YOU!!
Kathleen McCrory Gould
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-- George Carlin
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Windows Live: Make it easier for your friends to see what you’re up to on Facebook. Find out more. | |
|
| new stamp
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:38:31 PM | The Postal Services
> created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. The stamp
> was not sticking to envelopes, which enraged the president,
> who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing
> and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special
> Presidential commission presented the following findings:
>
>
> The stamp is in perfect
> order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are
> spitting on the wrong side.
>
> | |
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| Sunbathing Man
Posted: 9/2/2009 7:19:56 PM | A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself." | |
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| Air versus Sex
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:23:36 PM | Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. | |
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| Walmart Interview
Posted: 9/4/2009 6:01:56 AM | WALMART INTERVIEW
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of
hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of
resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer
decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer
would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's
no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the
second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was
contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on! | |
|
| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/8/2009 4:46:47 AM | Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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| Birthday Reminder!
Posted: 9/8/2009 7:51:29 PM | BIRTHDAY REMINDER !
This week we celebrate a special birthday:
Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast ... | |
|
| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/9/2009 7:19:57 PM | Deer Camp
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first night, John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was Garry's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink. I just watched him all night." The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt -- a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The guys couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long." | |
|
| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/13/2009 8:21:46 AM | The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to
give the man a shot..
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the
man objects.
'I can't do the gas thing The thought of having the gas
mask on is
suffocating me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any
objection to taking a
pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with
pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra
tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as
a pain
killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give
you
something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
> Ever
> wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad
> day........
>
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> My
> tire was thumping.
>
> I thought it was flat
>
> When I looked at the tire...
>
> I noticed your cat.
>
> Sorry!
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Heard
> your wife left you,
>
> How upset you must be.
>
> But don't fret about it...
>
> She moved in with me.
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Looking
> back over the years
>
> that we've been together,
>
> I can't help but wonder...
>
> "What the hell was I
> thinking?"
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Congratulations
> on your wedding day!
>
> Too bad no one likes your
> husband.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> How
> could two people as beautiful as you
>
> Have such an ugly baby?
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> I've
> always wanted to have
>
> someone to hold,
>
> someone to love.
>
> After having met you ..
>
> I've changed my mind.
>
>
> --------------------------------------
> ----------------------------------------------------------
>
> I must
> admit, you brought Religion into my life..
>
> I never believed in Hell until I met
> you.
>
>
> //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>
> As
> the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
>
> That you're not here to ruin it for
> me.
>
>
> ####################################################
>
> Congratulations
> on your promotion.
>
> Before you go....
>
> Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
>
> You'll probably need it again.
>
>
> ********************************************************************************
>
> Happy
> Birthday, Uncle Dad!
>
> (Available only in Tennessee
> , Kentucky & West Virginia
> )
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Happy
> birthday! You look great for your age.
>
> Almost Lifelike!
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> When
> we were together,
>
> you always said you'd die for me.
>
> Now that we've broken up,
>
> I think it's time you kept your
> promise.
>
> //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>
> We
> have been friends for a very long time .
>
> let's say we stop?
>
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> I'm
> so miserable without you
>
> it's almost like you're
> here.
>
>
> =====================================================
>
> Congratulations
> on your new bundle of joy.
>
> Did you ever find out who the father
> was?
>
>
> %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>
> Your
> friends and I wanted to do
>
> something special for your birthday.
>
> So we're having you put to
> sleep..
>
>
> ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
>
> So
> your daughter's a hooker,
>
> and it spoiled your day.
>
> Look at the bright side,
>
> it's really good pay
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Live in my own little world.
But it's
OK...
They know me here!
Brad | |
|
| Boudreaux goes to court
Posted: 9/16/2009 4:20:20 PM | Boudreaux goes to court
In Louisiana , this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by an 18-wheeler that ran a stop sign.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux: Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . "
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.
"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . "
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the State Policeman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.."
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a State Policeman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross d a road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now what da hell would you say?!" | |
|
| Boudreaux goes to court
Posted: 9/18/2009 6:20:33 AM | Bottle of Wine
(Women will LOVE this one!)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them. | |
|
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