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| Market Research
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:09:06 PM | A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young
woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's
bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that
most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since
you've been frank so far, would you tell me in what manner you use it
for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts it on
the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out." | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/28/2009 3:37:14 PM | Subject: Are we Old Yet?
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital..
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him..
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 9/29/2009 3:05:26 PM | Little Zachary was doing very badly in math
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In
the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home
with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was
hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a
word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on For some time, day after day, while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on
the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation,
His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in
math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son,
what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his
head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around.' | |
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| Arkansas Humor
Posted: 10/1/2009 11:19:36 AM | Punctuation
An English professor wrote the words :
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
Are you ready for this...........?
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her,
man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful. Have a great day, ladies!
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| Arkansas Humor
Posted: 10/4/2009 5:31:30 PM | When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?'
Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.' | |
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| Arkansas Humor
Posted: 10/5/2009 3:26:19 PM | | very funny, all of the recent ones are in fact | |
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| Arkansas Humor
Posted: 10/13/2009 3:33:52 PM | Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
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| Arkansas Humor
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:45:11 PM | This was sent me in an email along with articles from several newspapers. I did not check it out to see if it is true or not. Arkie
Arkansas Democrat Gazette:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near a Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and
abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's concerned wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? | |
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| Arkansas Humor
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:41:52 PM | Oops!
This is a real "Oh My" moment!
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly
Used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at
The airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up
Outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed
The Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go..'
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and
Took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the
Pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can
Take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he
Responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he
Stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT
My Flight Instructor? | |
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| Arkansas Humor
Posted: 11/8/2009 1:25:14 PM | The Deaf Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about..' The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.' The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'
The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'
Don't you just love lawyers?!
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| Arkansas Humor
Posted: 11/8/2009 6:30:21 PM | Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene : What in the hell is that?
Jane : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene : Where did you get it?
Jane : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 11/10/2009 9:42:19 AM | Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ....with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it. | |
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| Central Arkansas's Best Humor
Posted: 11/12/2009 5:34:49 PM | The weather is looking good for this weekend for anyone wanting to get out and get some exercise looking at Little Rock museums
For all the closet geeks out there, if you haven't heard yet, the Clinton Library will be free this Saturday, Nov. 14.
They're having a coat drive if you have anything you want to donate.
The feature is TREASURES of other presidents... probably like all that stuff given to Bill while he was president by foreign leaders.
The Old StateHouse is still having its exhibit on BOOTS, BADGES and Bars: Arkansas Justice. I believe involves Arkie criminals.
The McArthur Museum has a new exhibit opening Friday on General/President Grant and Gen. Robert E. Lee
And Historic Arkansas has its usual stuff too.
If anyone is interested in drumming up a quick group, just post or email me. I may be free and able to accompany you too.
keith | |
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| Market Research
Posted: 11/19/2009 8:21:08 PM | The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
Took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
Rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had
Her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted!
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| Market Research
Posted: 11/22/2009 9:25:21 AM | Just think..........
If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey
instead of a turkey, we would all be having
a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!....
Live in my own little world.
But it's
OK...
They know me here!
Brad | |
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| Market Research
Posted: 11/23/2009 8:43:07 AM | True Story
Two cars collided in north central Arkansas.
The drivers were from the adjacent towns of Gassville and Flippin.
The headline: Gassville man hit by Flippin woman | |
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| Market Research
Posted: 11/26/2009 9:44:53 AM | Lawyer with a heart ?
Lawyer with a heart:
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with
us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for
a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
'You'll really love my place.
'The grass is almost a foot high' | |
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