| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 6:24:30 PM | The death of a partner can come at any time. My first husband died when he was 25 and I was 24 with a 2 year old son. Since we were separated when he died, I didn't allow myself to grieve for almost 20 years! It all came out of me in a grieving workshop that was designed to talk about the death of a relationship. We ALL ended up talking about physical death instead.
I had a partner die almost fifteen years ago. I made the mistake of dating to soon and getting involved with someone. Needless to say the relationship did not last.
Now, I can say that I am ready. The last two anniversaries of his death just felt like another day...although I did whisper a little hello.
We should never forget them...but we also need to move on with our lives...and not hurt the ones who are there to love us now. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers/from an outside observer
Posted: 9/8/2008 6:29:46 PM | | I just walked away from a relationship where his wife died last August from cancer. He was/is a wonderful gentleman, and I suggested we part our ways after dating since October of last year. He wanted sex after three months of dating...I knew it was too soon then, now I know she is forever embedded in his soul and until he wants someone truely in his life no-one will be able to hold a candle to his wife in his mind. He loved her more than anyone I have ever known. He did not waste my time. I was his friend. We never had intercourse. We were very good friends but never intimate because I was never really invited in as a real person but to drown the pain that was yet there from her death. He still wears her ring around his neck. I loved him from afar. His inner being I would never know because this was where he held her close. I know I never want to be where she once was because I wasn't in his life to replace her but I wanted a relationship anew with him. He never wanted an anew, he wanted her back...I dissipated out so he could completely heal however long that will be...I shall always love him from afar. I don't think I'll ever be invited in...when you love the time is never wasted. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 6:34:06 PM | I wonder if 'sharing' spontaneously about the departed spouse is an 'emotional intimacy'
'perk'..... of dating another 'widowed' person.
Being 'widowed'... isn't an automatic guarantee that this could happen
but,,,
I'm thinking it's more likely to happen with someone who shares the same 'life experience'
A healthy... mature... and open...' divorced' person
might be more of a match for a widowed person
than a widowed person who is 'not' .... healthy,....mature.... and open
but,,,there(sometimes) is an inclination
to gravitate toward those we 'feel' can 'understand' | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 7:57:12 PM | | Only a widow/widower can understand the loss of a mate. You didn't just lose your mate, you lost your other half. Thus, one must spend time remaking themselves into a whole person again. There are so many ups and downs, so many memories. The touch of a human being, the loneliness, the laughter that came from the mouth but not from deep within. I thought I would never be able to throw my head back and laugh. My eyes no longer had a shine. One day I woke up and felt whole again and was able to do what my husband had told me he wanted me to do if he died first, I set out to live again. Hope I didn't depress anyone. Time heals all wounds. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 8:03:17 PM | I was able to measure my progress by the pictures on my mantle,shelves and walls
Gradually they changed from almost totally of my husband to a more balanced scenario
Hugs to all | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/8/2008 8:12:46 PM | It may not be time yet, why not stop thinking of it as a relationship and just go out as friends and companions to see if you even have anything in common. It is very difficult to pretend that the hole in your heart is patched up and you are all happy and well adjusted and ready to go, it takes a special person to realize that they are going to have to make room for her or him, because it was not a divorce, it is totally different, and that is fine, people just dont seem to know that and they must be told or reminded.
take your own sweet time, there is no hurry at all
BetterLate | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/10/2008 2:23:01 AM | | I think that the best way for me will be to make friends first - have to as new to the area, we moved here in Feb and my wife passed away in May - and when I feel ready inside I am sure things will then change in my mind to allow me to date again but that time scale is an individual thing and may be months or may be years, you will only know when it is right | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/10/2008 4:08:04 AM | I remember my first date after my wife passed away. She was a very nice woman. Easy on the eyes, etc...
I can remember sitting there feeling like it was not 'right'. She was not my wife. It was 'different'. It just didn't feel like I should be there. I just wanted it to be over.
Afterwards, I remember rethinking things and feeling that it just wasn't time for me yet.
Since then - I have had several relationships. I am all good with meeting women on dates now.
I think that it is only natural that you feel perhaps 'odd' on your first date for many possible reasons.
If you feel that it was because you are not ready. Then, take some time - and back off a bit. If you feel it was just because it didn't seem to feel natural, I would says that you just keep dating and taking your time.
One way or the other - it will come around.
I think these are only very natural feelings for a widow/er when they get back into dating after being in a marriage for years.
Best to everyone here. Hang in there. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/10/2008 4:17:06 AM | widow widowers
ones screwed over
kinda the same death of a relationship
i feel time will tell
enjoy life on ur terms u dont need a relationship per say rite now
wheneva it tickles ur fancy n i MEAN that
so relax enjoy life enjoy ur memories n thanx for sharing
kathi  | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/10/2008 5:14:06 AM | {quote]someone dies so you decide to love someone else
What a bunch of hypocritical noobs u are
your idea of commitment is only one death away...
I mock people like you{/quote}
First I would think you has some issues,, to belittle a the death of a spouse,, and to deny them some happiness again,, by suggesting a man or a woman could not or should not love someone else again.. Why not I ask you?? A widowed man or woman,, they are not dead,, we may have felt we were for a period of time,, but we have found a way to go through our loss,, yet still loving our spouse,, remembering them in our own way and still have a desire to live and love again,, why would that be so hard to comprehend for you.. If I know anything about love,, my wife would want me to love and marry again,, one of the many ideas of love is to want the best for the other,, as with death,, I know this,, one lover will or would die for the other so he or she could enjoy life and live.....writing anymore would be a waste of words,, you most likely will never get it... | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/10/2008 5:37:42 AM | OP, thank you for starting this thread... it is very comforting to come here & see that so many others are experiencing the same fears & emotions as I am regarding dating and the possiblity of a new relationship someday...
I've been a widow nearly 4 years now... there are days I think I am ready to have someone new in my life....and other days I can't imagine ever loving someone new, as much as I loved my husband. I know when the time & person is right that will change. Until then my advice to you, spend the time getting to know YOURSELF again.. what makes you happy... what interests you might like to pursue. For many of us who were married for a long time it's easy to get lost in what we did as a COUPLE and forget about what makes us unique.. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/10/2008 6:09:44 AM |
someone dies so you decide to love someone else
What a bunch of hypocritical noobs u are
your idea of commitment is only one death away...
I mock people like you
Do you perhaps think that people only have the capacity to love only once in their life? If that is what works for you then fine..but dont deny others to seek some happiness and closeness with another.
Are they intended to lose a spouse and then mourn for the rest of their lives no matter how long that may be? I think not...and if a spouse that has died loved the person remaining they would not want that for them. They would want their happiness. Life is a celebration to be lived and enjoyed. Honor the life of those you have lost...continuing to mourn serves no purpose.
OP..Move at your own pace. It's different for all of us.
PEACE | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/10/2008 6:55:21 AM | I've given it some thought...from time -to-time...
...and do .. on occasion .. consider ~Chukking the whole Kit-and-Kaboodle~....
But I'm Still *Determined* to find that Lady that *K* wants me to find..!!!
~Or maybe....she'll find Me..!!~
All I know is .. every time I hear/read the words...'You're Too Far Away..!'.....
I get just That much More determined to show the ones that have said it ..
that they really missed-out on something Special ..!!!
* * * * *
I'll admit.....I'm no Tom Cruise...Ben Affleck or Bill Fichtner....but....
'Distance' .. is such a weak Dodge .. !!! | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/11/2008 2:01:16 PM | Thank you, Sirsilly for your comments. I think widows and widowers are a pretty tough group of people and can take your mocking with a wry smile. Perhaps we need a little tough love to shake things up a little, even from ignoramuses who are devoid of the ability to empathise with their fellow humankind.
Can I invite you to expound on your comments as they might shake me out of the rut I find myself in.
Can I also wish you well in your own search for love. I sense you are rather a unique individual.
Kind regards
Dulac | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/11/2008 2:43:02 PM | Wow sirrsilly this is a pretty judgemental statement . No one decides to love someone over the other in a death . It is possible to love more than one person in life and I would hope if the opposite were reversed that my spouse would have found someone to love him.
It is not about be unfaithfull when someone dies there existence moves to a different plane and earth is for us mere mortals here.
To think that you are honoring your deceased spouse in this way is a fallacy because how can they feel good about you if you are stuck in misery?
I want my kids to grow up and have the experience of being loved don't you?
What makes you think that someone who loved you does not want to see you happy again? | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/11/2008 2:56:27 PM | Its fear of being hurt again.
The loss of a partner is a huge loss and brings huge amounts of grief.
Your slef protect mechanism is jumping in and reminding you of the hurt you went through the last time.
I suspect you are not quite ready for moving on yet.
Just take things slowly...... | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/11/2008 6:40:23 PM | I sat with my man as he died. His best friend, his youngest daughter and I stayed with him until the very end.
Before he died, he said to me...our time was short but precious...to say that I would never find that kind of love again would be selfious of him. He said someday I would love again...that there was not just one soul mate...but one for that time in my life.
It hurt me so bad...I could not envision myself with anyone as wonderful as he was. He asked me to not be bitter. I replied that I could and would be angry for awhile. He smiled and said as long as it did not consume me...that it would be okay. Then he wept because we had not had enough time together.
I feel sorry for the poster who laughs at people like us. I do hope he learns his lesson by example...not by having to go through this. And if he has gone through this...and is here...full of anger...Bless you...be well. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/11/2008 6:59:57 PM | | Carlisleman you brought up a point that I often think of - those of us who experienced it all know too well that we all owe a death...everyone knows it of course, but it's all so academic...until you hold its hand. Those of us who move on are unlike others who "lost their love" through divorce or things not working out - they can tell themselves, this time that won't happen. We can't do that. It's a curse - because it can haunt some of us into a kind of living death; and it's a blessing, because we've learned (the hard way) never to take another person for granted. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/12/2008 9:17:33 AM | Dulac,
I understand where you're coming from. I believe it's just that you haven't met the "right one" yet. Just keep  and when you catch something, look it over, make sure it's a keeper. If not, toss it back in the water and rebait your hook!
Good luck! | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/12/2008 9:23:04 AM | | I agree. When you've been with someone ( someone you thought would always be there) for a good part of your life, it's hard to look at other people and compare them to what you had. I've had dates tell me, it's hard to compete with a dead man. Well, I say it's hard to forget that you once had just what you dreamed of and now it's gone. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/12/2008 4:18:47 PM | Thank you all for taking the time to write. Yes even you, Sirsilly.
Having read your collective words I feel a little more comfortable with my feelings.
I must admit I have issues. When I go on a date I get a little hung up on the fact that it feels contrived. I also get a little angry with the world cause I have to go through the blind date circus to even get a shot at happiness.
However, all of the dates were fun! Great people. It's me I'm kinda angry with. Others move on, why can't etc ............
Anyhoo a toast to love and well done to all those who find it.
Your words and time were not wasted and I thank you.
Kind regards
David (Belfast Ireland) | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/12/2008 5:51:02 PM | A for 'w..8' , and a 'N/C' to 's-s'...
-won't even justify his comment with a response...-
Finding a true Soul-mate is difficult enough to accomplish.....
_Losing_ one is _Devastating_..!!..  ..
It's not so much that I'm 'Not Ready...'...but that I'm so very Out-of-Practice... in even
Starting a new relationship... I feel like a Teen-ager, again..!!
~Yeee-e-e-eeesshh!!!~ That's _All_ I need..!!
A question... :
Do you think that we [that Have had One] might yet find _Another One_...or...
Have we exhausted our 'quota' for one lifetime...??
... ... | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/12/2008 6:59:22 PM | | When you lose someone you can never let go .It a life thing that gonna stay with you till the day you died..Wild cherrie. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/12/2008 7:08:19 PM | | Yes I have experiented the same thing .I lost my soul mate [My heart] 5 Years ago.Till To this day I have not met any one that could ever measure up to him.Its a painful sad thing to lose the love of your life.Maybe one day God will open a nother door for us .I have heard when one door close another one will open .Well I;m still waitting for that door to open .I wish you luck .You will know when that right one comes along.I have been chatting with some one , Just haven;t gave him a chance to enter in my world .I do feel it in my heart that it is right ....Wild cherrie. | |
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