|
|
|
|
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/12/2008 7:20:48 PM | | I am not a widow, however, I've dated one or two widowers. And I feel they 'led me on' . Please don't do that. Be nice. Be sociable. But don't let the other person think they have a chance at something exclusive. Be clear. I'm sorry that widowers are suffering over their loss, but is it fair to take advantage of other people to make yoursel feel better for a little while? It's not. They never did anything to you. | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/13/2008 2:35:17 AM | Eastend woman your words have identified the dilemma some widows and widowers find themselves in. Driven by loneliness they seek companionship and genuinely enter a date with the hope of finding new love. But for those of us with a fortress mentality ( we can't let anyone into our lives) even when a date goes well, we are unable to take it to the next level.
I have stopped dating (my profile is hidden) because I feared I was leading people on and wasting their time ,and worse, messing with their emotions. We are talking simply no second date here so hopefully not causing too much damage. Nevertheless with a heavy heart I gave up on dating.
I guess my thread has revealed that I am not alone with my messed up feelings and others who have been through the same find themselves in my position. Bit sad really.
To believe you may never love again or be one half of something might be enough to crush a soul!
Thanks again to everyone who gave time to write.
David | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/13/2008 5:16:13 AM | I hope that our quota isn't one and done...and hope is what lets you know that you are still alive.
I am very upfront about my loss, and how he will always be in my heart, and I will always love him. However, I don't believe that precludes me from moving on, and finding someone else to love...I like to think I found the love of my life, for the first half of my life; and now I'm searching for the love of the second half of my life. If someone can't handle that, I can't be with them, I know that. Will it be the same...no, not in the details...but I believe the feeling will be the same in many ways. That can be a lot for someone to handle or understand that hasn't been through it. They need to know about it up front. | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/13/2008 5:43:12 AM | It's been 7 years for me, and I find myself very guarded at times. Now after some soul searching and looking realistically at myself and where I want to be in my future. The difference I have found is that widows/widowers don't have
the same baggage as others. I am not bitter, nor hurt. It's life at its core.
I for one completly lost myself in my husbands illness. Let going of friendships along the way. Felt like I wa on a treadmill.
Now a complete turn around, I have many friends and supporters, and dating just to have fun. Not filling empty holes, just for the great experiences, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Pam | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:12:44 PM | Don't know how long it's been for you, but you know whether it's been "not long enough" or "too long" or somewhere else.....
If it's been too long, seek help from a professional. If you are still within "normal" ranges of mourning, give yourself some slack. You have experienced the most stressful thing a person can live through with only one exception, the loss of a child. It takes time to work through all the additional losses that occur.
There is not a "set" time, foolishly many of us have believed the "one year then get out there" time frame , but that is just a big bag of bs. It is wiser for you to work through your stuff before getting out there and then you can be ready. | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/20/2008 6:05:12 AM | David,,
I have stopped dating (my profile is hidden) because I feared I was leading people on and wasting their time ,and worse, messing with their emotions. We are talking simply no second date here so hopefully not causing too much damage. Nevertheless with a heavy heart I gave up on dating.
If I may suggest this, get back out there and date, you have identified one of the issues many us widowers had or have,, I used to feel the same way..I recognized that problem a long time ago.. That is why I say,, be honest and up front with your date,,this way if do that that woman can make her choice whether she wants to see you again,, the good news is,, there are woman and men,, both can form a friendship,, it might just stay there or move forward, don't sell yourself short,, or a woman,, it's always nice to have a woman as a friend,, and who knows as that friendship grows,, it may lead into more,,
I guess my thread has revealed that I am not alone with my messed up feelings and others who have been through the same find themselves in my position. Bit sad really.
To believe you may never love again or be one half of something might be enough to crush a soul!
I agree it is sad,, I have been in the place you speak of,,the heart that truly hurts with pain of our lost love.. the soul you speak of feels dark and lifeless,,your mind is in such confusion and turmoil.. your thoughts,,are running rampid, totally out of control,, while the whole time the tears just flow,, and you wonder,, my God,, will this pain ever stop..
David,, that will fade, in it's own time,,you will always love and you will never forget,, but,,at some point you will move forward,,you will find that special woman again,, before that though,, as time moves and it will,, slowly though at times,, it will became less important if your in a relationships ,, because you will feel blesses that your are in a group of men and woman,, who are lucky enough to have truly loved and lost,, and at the same time you may look around you and say,, there are so many who have not experienced what I have.. you will find peace in that,, at others expense I'm sad to say..
Don't give up,,just be open and honest with your self and the woman you meet,,
Good luck,, | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/20/2008 6:26:38 AM | Time - when enough time passes - you will 'feel' it is 'right'.
If you are concerned that there is something holding you back perhaps, then see a shrink.
We all have had that 'feeling' initially.
As for one poster's opinion - viewing it as 'social' - yeah - I guess that might be a 'good' thing.
However, for me - that is entirely a seperate 'problem' with people today. They view dating as a social activity. Not unlike - grocery shopping - say. No more intent or interest than seeing the people at your deli counter.
Personally, and again - this is my opinion, I think that this is the 'problem' with such activities today. Dating has become an 'activity' that people 'do'. Like going to the gym, work, church, etc... 'Oh, it's Friday - I have to have a date with someone - doesn't matter who - just so long as I go out'.....
Sad. Very Sad.
Whatever = to each - their own. | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/20/2008 7:55:46 AM | | I don't think anyone ever gets over it...but, we all learn to accept it, and eventually you will feel like trying to live again, taking a step ahead. They will always be in our heart no doubt about that. Sometimes I wish there was an easy answer or an easy solution, but we all have to go through the process at some time or another...we all experience the loss of a loved one, which stinks... | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/21/2008 5:02:31 PM | I have been dating a widower for over a year and he is unable to get past a point. I don't know how to reach him. He is still suffering and it has been many many years. No one gets over a death of a spouse but acceptance is key. I do feel though that his struggle has had a roller coaster affect on me. It has been tortuous to love this man. He cannot express himself and he tries desperately to suppress his past. I don't want him to. I want him to open up to me and share what he feels. I really believe he will heal better and deal with his past in a healthier way. I cannot reach him and don't know how to help him open up. He gets frightened and then withdraws. Later he returns and the cycle begins again. It has been very painful for me. I do love him dearly and have been empathetic and patient. I can't keep going on as it has been. He is not allowing me into his life fully. I'm at a cross roads. Do I continue to hope to reach him or do I just give up because he is not ready nor will ever be ready.
Please help me. | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/21/2008 5:22:11 PM | | I understand where you are coming from since I have been a widow for over 10 years. When I first began dating it was just for fun and companionship. The thought of a long term relationship didn't even come to my mind. Believe it is important to go out and have fun and just enjoy yourself right now. Like others have said, time is an important element. Time heals. Be kind to yourself, you have been though a terrible experience losing your partner. Don't see myself every getting married again but would like a one on one relationship where their is mutual respect, sharing and love for one another. Eventually, I will have that kind of relationship, just haven't met him yet. | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/23/2008 5:07:54 PM | When I first felt an attraction for a man I automatically substituted him for my lost husband
I felt if I finally was feeling something for a man it was a 'sign'
Hmmmm,,,,that didn't work
NOW
I'm learning about the 5 stages of dating
I feel I'm having a paradigm shift
I'm experimenting with John Grays book Mars and Venus on a Date
HUGS TO ALL,,,
it DOES get better,,,or at least there is a wonderful POTENTIAL for it to get better ,,,,when we are ready to 'connect' to it
 | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 9/23/2008 6:04:24 PM |
However, for me - that is entirely a seperate 'problem' with people today. They view dating as a social activity. Not unlike - grocery shopping - say. No more intent or interest than seeing the people at your deli counter.
Personally, and again - this is my opinion, I think that this is the 'problem' with such activities today. Dating has become an 'activity' that people 'do'. Like going to the gym, work, church, etc... 'Oh, it's Friday - I have to have a date with someone - doesn't matter who - just so long as I go out'.....
Sad. Very Sad.
This post I truely don't understand. I've been alone five years now, and still feel there's a distinct possibility that I'm one of those people who only lucked in once in the love lottery. That's OK. I had 25 years - that's a lot of happiness for one person in this world.
But I'm still a social creature who enjoys the company of other people. Dating, to me, is not so much a romantic, love-seeking endeavour as chance to spend some pleasant time with a nice person. As long as BOTH people know that, and want that, it's a bit hurtful to see it diminished into something "sad" and shallow by someone else who's also obviously suffered a similar loss.
But as that poster said, to each their own. | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 10/2/2008 10:13:24 AM | | I have been widowed 17 mos. After 6 mos I started casual dating....going out to dinner, to the movies, dancing, bowling, just being with somone for adult conversation. All are still friends that I still communicate with. They knew upfront that all I was interested in at the time was friendship. I think as someone else stated, the time of grieving is different for all, and the circumstances are also different. I was married for 33 years and was my husbands caregiver for the last 10 years. I am now ready to start dating with a long term relationship in mind. If I am lucky enough for that to happen...okay... if not I am still happy in my own skin. I do not feel the need to replace my husband, I really don't want to replace....I want someone different. No one can ever replace him in my heart and mind, we had a good marriage (although not perfect) and I will always be thankful that I had those 33 years. When the time is right for each individual they will know, whether it is 6 mos or 10 years. Each and every person is different and have different needs. Just don't go into a relationship with the idea of replacing your late spouse. If you are trying to replace your spouse, you are not ready!!!!!!! No one can ever replace what you had......if your looking for NEW and different ........well there's a lot to be said about that. | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 10/9/2008 10:16:12 AM | | It may help to be conciously open, honest and present to *all* of life. And seek the company of good people. Sharing a meal, grief or joy is not wasting anyone's time, it's what life is about. | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 10/9/2008 1:44:40 PM |
When you lose someone you can never let go .It a life thing that gonna stay with you till the day you died..
Ah, but you CAN expand the reach and the grasp of your heart to hold someone else who is living and breathing. I think it's a pretty common theme here, that many who KNEW their end was at hand, told their spouse to seek happiness with a new partner, not to stay alone out of some misguided concept of honor and loyalty. Even though his death was sudden and totally unexpected, a couple of other untimely passings in our lives had caused the subject to come under discussion.
What I see as part of the problem, that we who have been widowed from a solid &healthy marriage KNOW what the real deal looks like, and we don't care to settle for something less...a certain degree of solitary living is preferable to trying to live with a 2nd rate imitation of what we know to be possible.
To the OP, don't feel that you must rush to rejoin the process of finding the 2nd love of your life. Relax, be upfront about your reasons for dating, find some group activities to get into( membership in a couple of service/fraternal/social clubs, volunteer work, some special learning projects were and are of great help to me)
Just relax and let things happen as they happen.
Cindy O | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 11/2/2008 1:57:35 PM | | There's the rub.. "a life without love". It's tough to be sixty-something and face an unknown future where once my dreams and goals seemed so secure. I am not an independant being, so finding a new love is essential. Time for the search comes at a premium. Should I just assure myself that the "Big Guy" will fill this void in my life with the right person? | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 11/2/2008 2:41:46 PM | | At first it felt like I was cheating on my husband- even though I knew I wasn't. Then I did the wrong thing- comparing traits, and all that- which is not good. I still feel so missplaced it's not even funny. It's been 5 yrs since my spouse passed and at times it still feels like yesterday other times it feels like it's been so many years ago. Maybe your trying too hard for a relationship..wanting to replace the love you lost, missing what you had and can't figure out what is wrong. You may need to take some more time for yourself..and maybe greif counseling. Good luck | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 11/2/2008 3:14:14 PM |
face an unknown future where once my dreams and goals seemed so secure.
Isn't that the truth,,Believing the one true constant in our lives was our spouse, the dreams we fulfilled as a team, and the one we still dreamed about,, all of a sudden gone, the idea of sitting back and as we got older, crying and laughing about the many years we have spent together,, then all of a sudden have that ripped from us, certainly has it's way of making us feel empty inside, even though we still have our memories, yet the concept was, was to share once again those memories with our spouse as we sit,
Now all we have is our dreams, and hope to once again share those dreams and our love with someone new,, that that is quite a challenge,,, | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 2/6/2009 9:39:29 PM | I think that it is important to try and know how you really feel. Are you really ready to date? Would it feel more right if you were just doing something with a friend?
I know that I would like to drop right into a relationship that made me feel like I did before my late husband died...but that really isn't reality. So instead I would like to just make friends and do things with them. I did have a friend this summer who I spent a lot of time with just doing things....shopping...going for scenic rides, going to resteraunts we liked, and even cooking for each other. And we were friends. But it made me feel good.
Then he moved away from the area.
The point is, I totally enjoyed his companionship. BUT that is what it was. We weren't "dating", there were no expectations for anything more than the companionship. BUT it did help me to realize that I want to get out there and develop a friendship with someone that could possibly turn into something more.
I guess that one of the thoughts I try to follow is: DON'T do anything you don't want to, feel what you are feeling, take a deep breath and enjoy what is good in your life. If something is meant to happen; it will.
Good luck to all of you and i hope you feel peace and contentment in whatever you are doing.
AzRain | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 2/6/2009 9:51:53 PM | eastend,
I have to say something here. Being a widow...I think I know that I want to get on with my life one minute, and the next have a feeling of guilt and pull back. It's getting better for me. But what I want to say is that I really don't belive most of us widow/ers are intentionally taking advantage of others to make ourselves feel better. We are trying to get out there and get on with our lives.
If you haven't been in our shoes, it is hard to realize what we are going through. I was married for 25 years to my best friend and was totally faithful to him. So after all of that time, it can be a little difficult to take some of those next steps no matter how much I want to.
Enjoy the day.
AzRain | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 2/7/2009 8:07:00 AM | Well, I read this post and left, then came back to share my experience!
My wife and I were married for almost 38 years when I lost her to cancer. It was a very good marriage. Fortunately she had alot more common sense and wisdom than I. So, a week or two before she died we had "that discussion" about what she wanted for my future.
I won't describe where I went shortly after she died. But one morning I woke up and thought "She wouldn't want me here, and would probably be crying if she saw where I was at, and I didn't like where I was at. So, I picked myself up, started excercising (believe me, that really helped.) And when I felt it was time started dating, only after talking with my family. They all encouraged it, even our daughter.
I dated alot, but nothing! Then I met a woman, and something happened.....you know the feeling! At first I was a little nervous, but boy, was I falling. But the first time we made love (and it was good)..........I was tremblimg (it was my first time), and right after I felt a sense of guilt! I actually with drew for a day or so. But quickly got over it.
Friends....I was in Love!!! and it felt good to know I could love again! Very good!
Unfortunately that relationship ended (communication issues). Boy, that was another pain altogether. But the one thing was, she truely taught me I can Love again, and for that I'll be eternally grateful! | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 2/7/2009 5:51:43 PM | Lonesomerick,
May I tell you that if you were a friend of mine, and you told me what you just wrote here, I would give you a huge hug and tell you how proud I am of you. I bet we would even shed a tear together.
In your sharing, you have given me hope.
You also show that you are wanting to live on because you know your late wife wouldn't want you not to. I think sometimes we feel like we need permission. You
know it's okay now to go on.
Have a wonderful journey.
AzRain | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:22:50 PM | I feel like no-one can "fill his shoes".
My husband made me feel like a princess in a fairy tale.
I worshipped the ground he walked on, and he did mine as well, we had a "mutual admiration society" thing going on between us.
I have tried dating some, but nothing that went anywhere, tried having a friend with benefits, which actually was awesome sex-wise, but does nothing for the emotional void that he left when he died, then sometimes i feel like "why bother?".
The kind of love we had could only come once in a lifetime, sheesh i couldnt be THAT lucky in life to get it twice.
I would like to fall in love one day, but am scared to. I am afraid of experiencing loss again.
And in wiered way, i have become accustomed to living alone and doing my own thang without anyone else around (expect my kids of course), since he died that became my new reality, living alone, and im kinda settled into that. | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 2/8/2009 6:42:33 AM | #73 ^^^^
Don't give up, but remember, you live where there are few full time residents. Many of which are either drunk or stoned or already in a relationship. Your dating pool is smaller, but it's not empty. It just taes longer to meet the right one. You will when the time is right.
Enjoy the sunshine. | |
|
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 2/8/2009 7:43:05 AM | Thanks AzRain09, as I read your last post tears started running down my eyes, so here's  , well, it was supposed to be a hug, but a kiss is alright too.
As I said, when I first read the thread, I didn't want to post, kinda conjours up some of that pain we've all had to deal with. But because of what I found I thought I'd share and just hope it could/would help someone. Sounds like it did, and isn't that the point? if you can help one person.....well, that's what life is all about. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
