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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/12/2009 2:54:13 PM | After reading through this entire thread, I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. I've been a widow for 2 years and 3 months...lost my husband to cancer after 44 years of marriage.
I've always thought I would never want to remarry..that I would always be comparing whomever to my husband..and also have never thought there was another man in the world who would put up with me. But regardless, I launched myself into the world of online dating after two years, and have found it to be very unfulfilling. I really don't know what I'm looking for. I love sex, and have engaged in it, but certainly the emotional attachment is missing...but still don't know if I want to become emotionally attached to another man.
Is there something wrong with me? | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/13/2009 5:44:39 AM | No Gloria, there is nothing WRONG with you.
I think all of us go thru the not knowing what we are looking for, lacking the spark with a new man that we know in our heart has to be there.
I am dating a wonderful man after being a widow for almost three years. Some days I am so grateful he is in my life.........and other days I wish he would just go away. It is not him at all. It is me.
I have come to realize that I may hold back for a long time. I don't always feel it is right to be with him, as I am still deeply in love with my late husband....but I
accept the fact he is gone...and I want to love again..... I care for my new man on a different level. He makes me laugh, I smile when I think of him, and I feel safe when he holds me.
We are taking it very slow and obviously he sees something in me that is " worth the wait".
The greatest love in my life ( my late husband) did not come from a spark that instantly ignited, but even several years of friendship, mutual respect, and caring.
We neither were looking for love at the time.........or I wasn't.....but once the little fire got started and burned at at a steady pace.........the fire went wild!! I spent over twenty years with the most amazing man I have ever known. I never, for even one day ever doubted the love we had for each other. I never went thru the " will he call?" " what if ?"
For the most part we knew almost everything about each other before we got involved. It was like one little innocent kiss turned into a WOW!!...and it never stopped.
I am totally unfamiliar with the rush of everything in the dating world now........and usually back off if I feel closed in or rushed. I let that happen when I first started dating again....and it was a complete disaster.
Just take your time, be careful, don't be pushed.........you have your own comfort level.........and you are worth the wait. If a man cannot see that or appreciate that you do know the real meaning of love, committment, .......and be willing to give you that space to grow with him... he isn't worth it.
Throw him back in and look for a better fish!
My heart goes out to you. I think all of us on this thread have felt your pain. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/13/2009 2:19:02 PM | Gloria, part of this is for you, and part is for all the widows/widowers here. For all of us, we've just got to realize we were blessed, luckier than most people on the dating sites! We had good/great marriages, and how does a marriage like that end...the only way a good/great marriage can, remember your wedding vows....."til death do us part".
I'm quite positive some of the divorcees here would love to have what several of us have had, even if they knew the end results.
Love doesn't stop for a person just because they died. But think about them crying from above seeing you (or me) crying or wasting our lives away! Think about a smile on their face, knowing we're all right!
I made myself a vow when I entered the dating world, not to look for a replacement, not to compare another person to my wife, both those would not only be unfair to them......but just as much would not be fair to me!
You'll be fine Gloria, just take it slow.  | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/13/2009 3:35:27 PM | | Well I'm not a widow but I've felt the same way after the end of a significant relationship (which in a way was like death- at least the person I thought he was died)... and it sounds like you're just not ready yet. Take some more time for yourself, maybe? JMO. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/13/2009 3:42:56 PM | | It has been 7 years for me, and I need to tell you, alot changes over 7 years. I have been seeking a relationship after spending time healing myself and pouring myself into my work..now that I am desiring to have a relationship, it isn't as easy as it seemed. Give it time, but you will know when it is right. Friends first and sometimes when you are least looking for it, it comes along...don't miss out. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/13/2009 3:52:06 PM | ***Well I'm not a widow but I've felt the same way after the end of a significant relationship (which in a way was like death- at least the person I thought he was died)... and it sounds like you're just not ready yet. Take some more time for yourself, maybe? JMO.^^^^bright lady, it not the same thing.***
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/15/2009 2:36:56 PM | Thank all of you so much for your kind and insightful replies. I realize that I may not be ready to fall in love again, maybe I never will be, but I just can't sit around by myself any more. I guess I just need to be ready to deal with whatever does happen, whether it be just making some good friends, or actually getting hit by a bolt of lightning, so to speak. Again, thank all of you!
Gloria | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/15/2009 8:08:05 PM | I have been a widow now for 7 years and I realize how much I have changed in those years. I 'm much more independent about dating and just going out as an adventure... I'm not the kind of girl your going to me in a bar.. so on-line is where you'll find me. I have very strong feeling of getting thru those first 5 years... your going to make lots of mistakes and lets face it we probably haven't dated in 20+ years and these people still act like high school for one reason or another. So don't be too hard on yourself and if you fall into bed with somebody that you shouldn't have chalk it to a lesson learn. Move on...
You can make alot of really neat friends just dating they all don't have to be a "love" connnection.
Enjoy the excitement.. if you have good energy they will fine you. Just get out there and be part of life... you can site home alone with the dog...
Lynn javascript:smilie(' ') | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/15/2009 8:15:21 PM | There is nothing wrong with you... the first 5 years are hell to say the least.. I've been widow now for 7 years... The first 5 years was just surviving and being Mom... now I have realized that I need friends for me. Try different groups where you can meet friends - girl and guy friends - join pool leagues, volley ball, card games... anything where you can meet a mix of people.
Your right when your looking for a relationship it doesn't click... the best ones are the ones that just happen along... relax in life.. be fun and playful with friends.. or even on line... humor is your best way... then there is no preasure.
Good Luck... Lynn javascript:smilie(' ') | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/15/2009 11:24:22 PM | My first question for you is how long since the death of your beloved? Was the death sudden or did they die from a chronic illness?
I have found that death is a lot harder to accept when it happened suddenly without warning. My husband was chronically ill for ten years, some good times mixed with a lot of downhill spiral. When he finally passed away, he was exhausted from fighting,
was filled with faith about his destiny and ready to go home to be with the Lord. I loved him with my whole heart, but it was time to let him go. We had time to say our goodbyes. We made a hospice decision, and the night before his death he told me his wish for me was to move on with my life, find someone, fall in love again, and make a new life for myself and be happy. He died the next day of cardiac arrest.
Having his blessing helped me to move on with life. Different people require different amounts of time to deal with their grief. My husband was so critically ill I grieved for a year before he even died, as he was in the hospital nine times during the year, three of them with prolonged periods on a ventilator (greater than 45 days each).
The first time a man kissed me all I could think of was my husband. I was not ready to date. The second time a man kissed me I did not think of my husband at all. That is when I knew I was ready to move on with my life. I had a brief transitional realtionship which died a natural death. I dated multiple men after that relationship before meeting my current beau. With him I am open to loving and being loved.
Give it time. You will be able to love again. For now perhaps try group activities just to get back int he swing of being around people. Look for a grief support group. Time has a way of healing a broken heart. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/16/2009 10:17:43 AM |
now that I am desiring to have a relationship, it isn't as easy as it seemed.
Absolufreakinlutely! But then the thought started running back and forth across my mind, that maybe,although I was desiring to have a relationship, maybe it really wasn't TIME yet, or maybe the course of the rest of my life is meant to be on the single path.(and that has nothing to do with resignation.) I found myself commenting to a hospice chaplain last year,when my mother was dying,that the only thing I missed about now being spouse free, was having someone else to blame stuff on. Of course everyone,including me, had a good chuckle.But when I thought about it later, I realized that there was a significant kernel of truth to that remark.Of course I miss Larry, and although neither he, I, our marriage,or our lives were even close to perfect, there was a remarkable chemistry that was about WAAY more than physical attraction.And it is that sense of connectedness, of having the same values and goals,that chemistry,that I seek, and frankly, I don't see much point in having a SO type relationship without that connection.
I 'm much more independent about dating and just going out as an adventure... I'm not the kind of girl your going to me in a bar.
I always was fairly independent, and yes you just might find me in a bar if there is something that interests me there(live music, sporting event on big screen TV, watching or participating in a pool tournament). I also do a lot of other things.
You can make alot of really neat friends just dating they all don't have to be a "love" connnection.
that just never felt right to me,dating someone I had no romantic interest in. Even if down the road it turned out to be unsustainable on some level,or it just didn't work out. I certainly never accepted dates just to get out of the house or get free meals!(Stuff that men routinely accuse women of when a date doesn't pan out)
Your right when your looking for a relationship it doesn't click... the best ones are the ones that just happen along... relax in life.. be fun and playful with friends.. or even on line... humor is your best way... then there is no preasure
Absolutely. Finding a 2nd love of your life is not a job,task, or mission.
have found that death is a lot harder to accept when it happened suddenly without warning.
Well, I would certainly say there's a larger element of shock and disbelief. But I would think that watching your spouse lose functionality, possibly suffer pain,fear,etc could be an exceptionally hot form of hell on earth. And of course not a process you can walk out on, or push onto someone else, and still look yourself in the eyes in the mirror.
just keep putting one foot in front of the other, emotionally. Don't let anyone else give you a timetable or a bunch of "shoulds" as to how you progress back to emotional soundness. I do recommend, as others have done, to find some activities that are NOT work or family. Volunteer, take a class, join a club, get involved in your community or a cause you care about.Learn something new.Help those less fortunate.
Don't rely only on internet dating sites. Get out of the house and do something interesting, even if you do it by yourself.
Cindy O | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/17/2009 7:29:49 AM | Well, I would certainly say there's a larger element of shock and disbelief. But I would think that watching your spouse lose functionality, possibly suffer pain,fear,etc could be an exceptionally hot form of hell on earth. And of course not a process you can walk out on, or push onto someone else, and still look yourself in the eyes in the mirror.
You're right Cindy........both are a living hell. I watched my husband go from a robust healthy man to a shell of who he was. I loved him more than my life...never considered walking out or nursing home, etc.........but for over five years.... it tore me apart.
Everyday I prayed, everyday I asked God to take his pain....give it to me..
My husband was so protective of me, a former AAA ballplayer, a Union President three terms, Air Force 12 years.......He was always so strong both physically and mentally. I saw him reduced to crying out in pain, being ashamed of me having to "change him", barely able to walk even with a walker, unable to feed himself sometimes.
IT WAS A PRIVATE HELL. .........And even when he drew his last breath..it was about his love for me. I still was not prepared....he had dodged so many odds that the doctors called him their "miracle man". SO many times I had been told he would never leave a hospital..and yet he did.
Even on his obituary my words were" His greatest joy was the relationship of his wife, his children.and most importantly his GOD.... that my only consolation in this was that he was no longer in pain , and truly free."
........but I woud have taken care of him for the next hundred years just to be able to hold his hand and look into those big blue eyes.
Even in all his pain, he never lost his spirit. He could make you laugh out loud while he was in excrutiating pain. He was that kind of man.
I honestly thought the world could not possibly turn without him in it.
My greatest consolation is that NEVER did a woman KNOW how much her man loved her....any more than I did.
My little brother on the other hand ( and I know not the same ) but he had liver cancer.........the second round of Chemo killed him. It was a shock because we thought he would have much more time...he died less than two years before my husband...
He did however get to live life as full as he could up until the moment he died. I have always been greatful for that. I took care of him as much as he would allow the year before he died........but he went out without going thru losing his hair, being feeble, or needing 24/7.
There is NO GOOD way to lose a loved ONE!!
My first so called relationship after my husband died........I was very insecure. I finally have a large part of me back.......and I know what kind of love and committment I posess. It is no longer if I deserve to be loved again, I know I do...........but will I find someone that deserves or understands that kind of love in the dating world today?
All is so throw-away........and few I have met have the " what for" for a real relationship. I won't settle for less. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 4/25/2009 6:09:09 PM | I have been there. I've been a widow for 6 years now and I am finally at a point where I WANT to date. Maybe you just need more time to heal. It took me 4 years to be able to date and get over the feeling that I would nvere be in relationship again.
It is also harder for us to date people who have been divorced because we can not relate to it...we were happy and would still be with our spouses if God had not taken them.
Hang in there, I promise it will get easier with time...
Marilyn | |
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elenic
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Joined: 5/30/2009
Msg: 89 | |
| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 6/11/2009 8:54:14 AM | "I think my problem is I cant have a conversation without bring my dead wife into it (we did this,she said that this is what we did)I need to get past that "
She was important in your life; she's part of who you *are* ~~ the trick I think is finding someone secure enough in their own person that they don't feel threatened. They *are* out there. Don't stop looking.
I feel so bad for the original poster. He is consicous he is talking about his LW too mcuch. I would say if you cannot have one converastoin without mentioing your LW then maybe you are not ready to date and it would be better for your to find FRIENDS, a berevement support group etc.. .not a lover or a date. Because speaking continously of the LW to the new love is not very nice or fair to her.
The poster who replied to him, yes you are right you do need to find a secure woman to accept your loss.
BUT even the most secure woman has limits. Please remember that widower/s . A new woman can be kind, compassionate, want to share your past won't mind occasional stories and sharing your lost loved one.. But there is line when the entire relationship becomes about the widowed person tranversing down memory lane.
I don't say this to be mean or cruel to your loss it's just that you have to realize if you are venturing into a new relationship while you do expect your new partner to respect your memories and losses BUT it's also YOUR obligation to be healed and respect your new dating partners feeling and needs equallly.
Would you want to hear about your new partners former lover, Late spouse, or ex husband 24/7 , nonstop? I think not.
What a miserable date that would be to listen to some lady drone on and on about her lost love and how miserable she is etc.. Most people are dating to have fun, be social and maybe find a parnter in life. this is not a good way to start off by being unhealed and unable to let the past go even for a duration of one date . Even in more serious relationship youreally should try to counterbalance your need to share your loss and grief with your new partner with their feelings and not try make them feel second place.
Please just use judgement is what I am saying. Your new partner is NOT your counselor... they are entering a relationship with you because they want to find love. Part of love is respecting and sharing each other's past but not letting it take over the relationshipo.
I am dating a widower. He speaks of his late wife. I ask questions. I realize this is apart of him , his kids, his life. I accept that totally. But there is a point if it goes too far (intimate details) or when it's too much and I say so...I feel it's my right to say when it's getting to be too much., that maybe the ifnormaitn was to personal or maybe it's time to move to another topic.
Ithink he respects me for this because I don't want our entire relationship based on the fact he is widowed.
I am divorced and have a lot of baggage from that. He also has listened to my stories my past... he realizes I still have struggles from it. But I don't make my divorce and my hurts from that the predominant topic and constantly assault him with it.
Do you get what I am saying?
You have suffered a tremendous loss.. but any relationhip is about TWO poeple - give and take. It cannot be all about the widowers loss, | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 6/11/2009 9:18:26 AM |
She was important in your life; she's part of who you *are* ~~ the trick I think is finding someone secure enough in their own person that they don't feel threatened. They *are* out there. Don't stop looking.
I am dating a widower. He speaks of his late wife. I ask questions. I realize this is apart of him , his kids, his life. I accept that totally. But there is a point if it goes too far (intimate details) or when it's too much and I say so...I feel it's my right to say when it's getting to be too much., that maybe the ifnormaitn was to personal or maybe it's time to move to another topic.
I think you have a great attitude. I am dating a divorced man and the relationship is wonderful. He is not threatened by my talking about my deceased husband. I agree with you however, there is a point where you can cross the line and reveal too much.
I do not think he would want to hear intimate details of our sex life. That would be taking it too far. I doubt he would want to hear intimate details about any man from my past. This is just common sense.
My boyfriend is very closed mouthed about the things that led to his divorce. Eventually I hope he will open up with a little more detail about his marriage. I would like to know what went wrong , what was missing. This will help me to avoid making the same mistakes she did.
Divorced people suffer loss too, loss of what might have been, something that somewhere took a wrong turn, and never reached its full potential. We all have past pain to work through, and like elenic stated, any relationship is about two people a give and take. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 11/5/2009 11:17:31 PM | | I'm new to this so I'm not sure how to post without replying to someone's post. I am a 26 year old widow. I'd like to date a widower who knows what it's all about. Any suggestions? | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 11/12/2009 10:35:13 AM | Read the whole thread, relax, heal, and then let it happen. I also recommend grief support groups. It took me a few years to realize that I needed to work some things out.
You may find that the only people you date that you have any sort of connection with (other than physical attraction) are those who have had similar experiences. I'm seeing somone now who is also a widow. I didn't go looking for a widow to date, it just seems to work out that way.
Be sure that you are ready to date though. One of my few regrets in life was dating a woman when I was just not ready and leading her to believe that I was.
Besides, this site, as well as most others, will let you know the relationship status of anyone you're interested in.
Good Luck | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 11/12/2009 3:04:07 PM | It has been 15 months since I lost my husband. I did attend a grief share group, which was a 10 week class. I took the class twice, because the first time, I was in so much shock, I didn't absorb hardly anything. It helped me so much. I made some wonderful friends. I have since been asked to be a facilitator, and am having trouble withthis. I want to move forward, but at the same time, it is selfish of me to not want to do it. I say that because what if nobody wanted to be there for me, when I needed it? So, I feel it is a way I can give back. But I don't feel I could do it, over and over again, like some widows can.
As for dating, I feel I am ready to move on with my life. Holidays are still something I just don't get excited about. That is when I feel like an outsider, even with my own family, who I am very close to. Last year I was a complete drag. Grinches girlfriend, all the way.  This year, I will try to be more like Cindy Lou. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 11/12/2009 3:17:25 PM | There is nothing wrong with setting limits on what you can handle. If you want to give back, but don't want to wallow or relive your grief over and over then perhaps agreeing to facilitate one or two classes or sessions. Also be sure to let the instructor know that you are unsure that you can handle even that much so there are no hard feelings should it be too much.
Holidays have been the hardest for me as well. We used to be close to my wife's aunts and uncles, but they have drifted apart from us. However her sister and our nephew are traveling 1500 miles to be with us for Thanksgiving this year, and I'm actually looking forward to it for the first time in almost 5 years. Both my girls and myself have had to learn to re-frame the holidays into a different experience than we're used to. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 11/12/2009 4:47:55 PM | i just want to say to you.. honey bea.. that you have a very wise attitude... i have dated widowers.. and like you said.. some men just arent ready to accept that thier life must go on.. im sure in the back of everyones mind that have been in this situation. that they have secondary thoughts that they might be cheating on their dead spouses.. but you must realize that your spouse that has passed on wouldnt want you to grieve forever.. they must have found you vibrant and passionate.. qualities that i am sure that they want you to share with someone else.. since they are no longer there to do it with you.. its not about sex.. i know its in the mindsets of some.. but honestly.. there is more to a relationship besides that..
no one takes the time to get to know any one 's character anymore.. its a real shame because as individuals ,, we have so much more to offer to a prospective new partner if one would only take the time and effort to pursue it all...
i am divorced,, but have found some lovely men who had been widowed for some time that are still struggling to find themselves .. after losing their respective loved ones.. so my ad vice to you is simply this.. dont hold yourself to high expectations.. but do allow yourself to be adventureous and to explore all the opportunities that could lead to a longer lasting relationship.. somewhere down the road to sharing many memories with someone.. do hang in there.. and the same rings true for widows alike everywhere... i didnt mean to exclude you from the whole analogy of this.. you are human.. and as such.. everyone makes mistakes..
dating nowadays is nothing like it used to be back in the day... we were used to men courting us and meeting our families.. but in this day and age.. things move at such a momentuous pace that no one takes the time to smell the roses anymore... it is all assumed and no one should take anything for granted... i know i dont.. i just count my blessings and keep on putting myself out there.. eventually.. ill find that special someone and you will too...
in me ,, you have a friend and confidante .. i am rachel | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 11/12/2009 4:53:21 PM | i couldnt have said it any better... gloria.. you have hit the nail right on the head!!!!!
any man worth his salt is going to appreciate the woman right in front of him.. because she has been there and back.. and there again...
i feel that you will know in your deepest part of your heart when youre ready to take the steps you need to go on with your life.... the old adage comes to mind.. one day at a time.. for if you rush into something before youre ready to handle it.. it will leave you feeling desolated and cut off from everyone.. and then it will seem like forever to get you back on the way again.. so take whatever time you need to adjust and set your own pace.. if men today cant understand where youre coming from or what you expect.. then gloria is right.. throw him back in.. the lily pond and wait for the right frog to jump on your lily pad... hang in there,,hon.. youll make it .. i am rooting for you.. angel | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 11/12/2009 4:58:09 PM | | Thanks CaptainDad. And it was good to read the rest of this thread. Sounds lile everyone is doing pretty well, all things considered. | |
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| One for the widows/widowers
Posted: 11/12/2009 5:15:24 PM | It may not be time for you yet. I have been widowed 6 years now and I just in the last year or so have felt like myself again. There was some formula a friend of mine read about. In general, for every 5 years you spend with someone as a spouse it takes a year to recover from their death. I had almost 20 years with my husband and it was over 4 years before I really stopped pining for him.
I started dating again not quite a year after he was gone and that was too soon. I just didn't realize it at the time because I was so lonely. Now after meeting a lot of people, a few relationships that weren't right, I know who I am and what I would like to find. But the kind of love I had first time around is rare and continues to elude me. And I am not looking for the same thing, I know it is impossible. I just want to find the one who loves me more than anyone else on this earth.
In answer to your question, I too have felt this invisible wall, and there is no explaining it. I know how it can be broken though. It will be a man with a lot of understanding and patience who allows me to find my own way to that sense of implicit trust and faithfulness in him, and in the relationship.
May God be with you, giving you peace and discernment as you search. | |
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