| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:01:19 PM | abby ,
you said that you feel he may not be ready for a LTR, that maby the reason that you have not met the kids yet ... and I agree with him ... if I dont see potential or I dont see the relationship going anywhere I will NOT include my kids . kids are loving creatures they get used to somebody so quick and there is realy no need to give them a heartache.. I hope that make sense ... give it a bit more time maby he will come arround .. I think he may just be cautious thats all . | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:01:56 PM | Did the rest of you "miss the point" of her post, ie, why Abby's query is different than all the other "he/she has kids..." and "kids come first" threads and "kids are number 1" posts, and oh well..
(((... Just getting weary of broken dates.)))
that's the problem. It has nothing to do with teenage kids. Little babies, grade school kids, ok maybe "an emergency" happens fairly often. But I fail to see how having teenage kids prevents A MAN OR WOMAN, I said A MAN OR WOMAN, from planning a date, keeping a calender, and following through.
Unless of course....these teenagers are getting arrested every week, or drunk, wreck their cars, don't come home for days.....then tell the guy "3 strikes and you're out". | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:03:01 PM | Forget it abby. You will never be a priority.
And a boyfriend or girlfriend should NEVER be a priority over someone's child. My ex-wife abandoned our son because her new boyfriend didn't want "that brat" around.
How would you feel if you were 14 or something like that, and your dad decided a babysitter was going to have to take you to your school performance because his new girlfriend was b!tching about you taking up too much of his time?
There's too many people putting their kids on the back burner because they don't want to step up and BE a parent. I say God bless those who have their priorities straight and want to take care of business. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:10:09 PM | | I think the OP's post sounds harsher to parents maybe than she means, but come on! A man with teenage kids manages to get to work every day, probably has a hobby or two he enjoys like golfing or whatever that he does, yet he can't seem to get a date arranged? Sounds more like he's using them as an excuse, or he has no control over his life......either way I thinks she's right that he's not ready for a relationship. My parents had 8 kids and Two sets if you will, so at different periods in their lives they had 4 teenagers in their house at any given time....and even WE didn't have so much drama that my parents couldn't get out and do stuff together... | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:15:37 PM | | IF you love the man you silently wait and remain undersstanding until you guys have been together long enough that he will be inviting you to these family functions .. If you had the child and needed to do thing for said child . Wouldnt YOU want him to be patient with you since you where being a parent . | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:20:49 PM |
Go find a man with no kids . You will have much less trouble that way , and at least you can be a priority in his life rather then constantly waiting on the sidelines for his kids to "allow" him to go on a date with you
Unless he's really into his career. Or golfing with his buddies. Or whatever hobbies he has. Being childless is absolutely no guarantee whatsoever that a man is going to make time for you.
Find someone, whether he has kids or not, who is willing to devote the same amount of time to a relationship as you are, or wish him well and move on. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:22:30 PM | You need to talk about it. He can't make changes until and unless you talk about it. IME it is necessary to make it a priority to carve time out for each other... but that doesn't immediately happen when you first begin dating. It takes some time... and then some flexibility and creativity.
I have a teen who is busy with sports and my sweetie has two busy teens. Teens are pretty spontaneous creatures and very hard to corral into set plans... their lives just don't run that way. Between three teens and inconsistent work schedules it can be very, very hard for us to schedule dates... especially at first before "we" were established. Even this weekend... we're going into it with some time firm and some others penciled in - and we're waiting for his plans with his son to get firmed up so we can finish planning "our" time around it.
We need to spend some time alone, and time with just our kids and we also need to spend time with each other... and, as you get more established as a couple, need to spend some time all together. It can be daunting to schedule.
Being generally flexible helps... A LOT. Being willing to carve out "us time" by being firm on a few dates/events helps. His being willing to come to some of my daughter's hockey games helps - I get to see him AND watch my daughter play, woo-hoo. There were times when it was difficult... especially when stress loads hit... but we've made it work. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:23:50 PM | | I have never met his children or pushed the issue. Im just tired of broken dates because a family issue came up. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:30:34 PM | I have dated men that have full custody of their kids. One man that I was with for about a half a year before I finally had enough, had his daughter since she was in diapers. He was the only parent because the mother ran off. He thought he was ready to date, but he wasn't he couldn't balance his life. We are still friends, but couldn't date him again.
OP only you can decide how much you can put up with. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:36:11 PM | | I am sorry to go off on a tagent here but I have found a much worse situation. Women who have adult male children living at home that they allow to interfer with relationships. 22, 24, 30 year old men still at home. Often with girlfriends or wives leaching off of mom still. One lady I dated her 28 year old son and his 25 year old girlfriend (and her dog) lived with her. No rent, nothing. And he would not even take the garbage out. Contributed nothing. One time the girlfriend stood outside on the patio and listened to us having sex and called her mother to talk about us while we were in the woman's bedroom and then brought it up dinner that she thought it was weird people over 50 having sex. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:37:00 PM | | Yup I am tired of getting my nails done and dressed up in my best for the date to have him cancel on me at the last moment. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 10:08:45 PM | well abby .
it sounds to me like you just have problems with the fact that he has kids and he makes time for the kids ......
there are always ways arround them and if one is willing you can make it work , but it takes time , finess and patience....
but maby its not just him , maby its you too ... you want his time , but he has to share some of that with the kids , maby he just cant give you all you need .....
maby you should do some soul searching on your self , to see what it is that you want from him and then try to talk to him ... if he does not know how you feel how can adjust anything or at least work on it ...
by the way how long have you guys been dating ..... now if that was going on for month and month I would want to have a sit down talk with the man ...
but thats me | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 10:30:36 PM | | Getting laid was not a consideration. We were both seeking a LTR. As to his profile stated.,I am all for his kids getting the nuture they need. If i am getting dissed as a LTR partner, I think i must cut this off. I want to value my man's importance in my life as he would do mine. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 10:37:05 PM | Kids of any age are what you raise them to be. You raise them with love and discipline, they are loving and disciplined. You give them a free rein, they will ride your a$s until the day you die... It's either that, or I was lucky and got myself a good kid, but either way I have seen the reflection of the parent in every child or teenager or even some grown-ups...
The truth remains though, that as long as kids are young and dependent upon the parent, they are the primary responsibility. Dating becomes second , third or millionth priority. It is not wise to antagonize the kids for the affection of a parent. You'll never win. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 10:47:55 PM | Abbey, as the mother of an 18 and 20 year old now. I can tell you without a doubt in my mind...he is using the teenagers as an excuse. Family emergency with them are at the most 10 to 15 min when most just need a ride somewhere or something picked up.
I had a date at 7 one night and one of my kids needed a ride to a friends house, I called the guy and told him I was going to be 10 min late and took them. It wasnt a big deal.
Now on the plus side of having a teenager, one guy was being over friendly one night and my daughter called and told me she had left her bookbag in my trunk..so I had to leave to take it to her but I considered it a good thang! | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:00:59 PM | If you are truly interested in him, you answered your own question. If you fully understand parents devotion to their children, you can deal with it. You are seeking long term and are seeing this man, that means everything. Devote yourself to him, or don't.
If it seems as if he is worth being with at all, and is honorable, you should be woman enough to understand what he is trying to do. He is taking on resposibility for his own resposibilities. You should admire that, it seems like. Why don't you see if you can fit into the family, and be inlcuded in the activities?
A single parent doesn't have an easy life, if you ditch him because of it, you may be missing out on the chance of a lifetime. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:37:20 PM | SO you would rather have you children raised by babysitters/nannies, and take very little interest in your children's lives? It has always, throughout the ages, been about the kids. Kids are not tyrants, there a kids.
Did your parents ignore you? Did they always go out and leave you in the care of someone else?
I hope with your attitude towards kids that you never have them., You would make a terrible, selfish, only thinking about herself, b1tch of a mother. You kids would grow up feeling neglected because when they wanted to talk to Mom she was too busy with other things. This leads to things like drugs, acting out, stealing ...because kids do want love and attention..
Wow talk about reading something that I never wrote and making stuff right out of thin air. Nowhere did I say that children should not be a priority, but there is a very big difference between being one of the slump shoulder, whipped, obedient slave parents following after their demanding ruler ,and being a parent who loves and looks after their children and are there for their child when they are needed , but who still places their marriage and life with their spouse above all else. It's called having a healthy balance.
Obviously if a child is in need of you then you have to be there, but in no way is it damaging to make them sleep in their own beds and to make them understand that the world does not revolve around them. To often now children are taught to believe that the world does indeed revolve around them and that with a temper tantrum and the threat of calling children's aid , they will get whatever they want. It's sad to see all of the parents out there who are not really parenting at all. Parenting does not mean being ruled by your child.
Being a stern and strict parent is not being a bad parent. You are actually being a better parent then the permissive jellyfish parent. Kids can , if you let them, indeed be tyrants as I have seen over and over. I intend to be a strict , but loving parent , who is not ruled by her children. I will be there when they need me , but they will know I am not their slave. Temper tantrums will not work with me. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/11/2008 1:07:00 AM | "brick wall" parent is just as bad as "jellyfish" parent... but even worse is flipping between the two.
Being "permissive" with natural consequences is better than "no" "no" "no" all the time.
I gotta say too ... not all kids are nasty. Some are... for sure... some don't like their parents being divorced and just are not accepting of dad having a new g/f. Others are more well adjusted and can deal with the fact.
OT
Do I silently remain on the sidelines and wait for a time he can fit me in between his job and his kids or do I move on?
Pretty much. That's the commitment that goes along with being a parent
Couple of things I would worry about. If the kids are older and the dad drops all plans for every little thing, could be a bad sign... or if the dad is using the fact that he's a parent as an excuse to drop dates with you, also bad.
This being a newer relationship I would give it some time... if you think the relationship is worth it. You'll have to be patient but time will definitely tell if this family is a good fit for you.
I want to add too that this isn't always about the kids. Some men put their work, hobbies, sports etc., as a higher priority... you just have to ask yourself if you're willing to put up with it. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/11/2008 3:58:32 AM | You know... If a man were to say, "I like that girl, but she spends too much time parenting her kids. She needs to tell them to get lost so she can spend more time with me." That would be incredibly selfish and inconsiderate... He'd probably get blacklisted and certainly have a hard time dating with an attitude like that.
When you have kids, you have kids. You have to make time for yourself, but you have to make exceptions for when the kids have things come up. Sometimes (Most of the time) when there is a scheduling conflict, the kids HAVE to take priority... That is called being a PARENT.
How many of you have fond memories of hearing your parents say, "Hey sweetheart, I know you want me to go to your school play, but I'm going to the bar to hang out with this hot chick" or "I know you want to go to your friends' birthday party on Saturday, but I need you to babysit your little sister because I am spending the day at the beach with a "friend"... call me if there is an emergency."?
You have to make time for yourself, you'd have to do so even while married.... but to be pissy because you don't rate higher than a persons own children is just selfish and inconsiderate at the least... Also shows what kind of parent YOU would be. Luckily you have identified yourself this early in the relationship and it is easier to move on. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/11/2008 4:12:26 AM | BTW... teenage kids are much easier to manage than the elementary aged kids. The teenagers typically need money and permission (as long as they aren't complete animals) and they have learned responsibility.
The little ones take and need lots of time... Soccer or baseball practice twice a week, cubscouts or brownies once a week, sometimes there is dance/music/karate classes once or twice a week. The weekends are usually tied up in the A.M. for games or competitions/meets, etc
Being a single parent is very hard, hell being married parents is hard. Trying to date while having custody is difficult at best... and the ONLY good thing that comes from shared custody is the other parent being the "designated babysitter" allowing you the opportunity to have personal time... | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/11/2008 4:42:27 AM | ok, so are all us single mums/ dads meant to stay single until our kids have grown up and left home? I don't think so.
While I am very careful who I choose to be in mine and my childrens lives, I would normally expect someone my age ( 36 ) to have children anyway but it was never a concious effort to go looking for someone with kids. I would never say I won't date anyone who hasn't had children of their own. Everyone is different.
I am currently dating a wonderful man, I happened to meet him here on PoF, who has no children. That isn't to say he doesn't know what goes on in a family environment afterall, he was once a child himself. He is a caring and wonderful man, it's still early days but my children seem to have taken a real shine to him already.
People have different expectations of what parenting entails and while I do want to be in a relationship with someone, my children will always come first. Anyone who comes into my life will come into my childrens lives too and they have to not only be compatible with me but also be capable of getting along with my kids too.
It's difficult enough to find someone who is suitable on all levels for yourself let alone one who will get on with your children too.
I grew up a step child and also became a step parent when I married my husband who had 3 kids so have been on both sides on the fence. It is never easy.
Anyone who accepts my children into their lives will be opening themselves up to a whole new world, whether they previously had children themselves or not.
When I was 12 my parents divorced and I was brought up by my father. He dated a few women, 2 of them detested me, one of which he went on to marry resulting in my father being made to choose between his marriage or his daughter. I was thrown out at 17 and will NEVER ever forgive my father for not putting me first.
I am not a spoiled brat but being made to feel unimportant by your own father is very damaging and something that has taken me a long time to get over. I never gave my step mother reason to dislike me so much, she was simply jealous of the relationship I had with my dad.
My father passed away just over 2 years ago and will always be the most influential man in my life.
Children are precious little humans, anyone blessed with them should cherish the time they are growing up. Childhood experiences will have a massive impact on their adult life.
Today is my eldest sons 13th birthday - believe me it goes by very fast. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/11/2008 4:51:01 AM | well there is another good thing .
having kids will helps you weed out the partner that is ablsuluty are no match for you , when you have kids ..
you know the ones that know what it means to be a parent or the ones that are just not willing or ready to have a partner with kids | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/11/2008 5:09:23 AM | It's your choice...you wait for him to fit you in between the job and kids, or move on. He's not going to put you ahead of his kids, and if he did, he wouldn't be a man I'd want to be with. This is how you tell that a man has his priorities in order.
The only time this could be a problem is when those same kids are 30 and he's still dropping everything to run to their rescue. But while they are still minor children in his care, they have to be his number one priority. Keep in mind that kids won't be kids forever, they will eventually be grown.
If you stick around, and your relationship with him becomes "long term" then you can also be part of the kids lives, which will make it easier for the two of you to have time together, even if it's just going to the kids games or whatever. | |
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| Men with teenage children
Posted: 9/11/2008 5:15:19 AM | olyman, a lot of it depends on how old these "teenage" kids are. At 13 they need a lot more of your time and attention than they do at 18 or 19.
Once they become "independently mobile," your life eases up tenfold! This is something only a custodial parent would understand...if he's got custody of these kids, and they are "young" teens, he's spending half his life hauling them around from one place to another. When your kid is on a sports team/dance team/whatever, they have an obligation to be there when there's an event. You can't just say "skip it tonight, I've got a date."
A non-custodial parent has all the time in the world for him/herself, and can't even begin to comprehend the amount of time kids suck out of your life when they hit the ages of 12-15. Not unless they share some of the "taxi" duties with the custodial parent that is. | |
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