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| Saying things you don't mean
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:01:58 PM | GPSweetheart, I hear you and agree. I guess there is a huge difference of opinion on what degree the Op may have been saying. I didn't mean to imply anything to you, just not clear on things.
I like what you are saying and appreciate sharing it. There is a strong difference between going for the jugular and expressing things in frustration. A strong difference between verbal and mental abuse and getting things off your chest. And coming from the background we have, it's a hard issue. I have definitely not always handled it well in the past but have made great strides in that area.
And owning up when we do make mistakes is so important. Again mistakes, not the same as purposely attacking someone out of cruelty but saying something without thinking or putting enough thought into it when your hurting, which is how I interpreted the Op's ?
For me I have to work on finding the balance between stuffing things till I explode or letting other's push my buttons. I do pretty well for the most part but there are moments and when they arise I try to fix them. I am not willing to do the stuffing thing anymore though.
Communication is so huge, and you seem to have a great handle on it with how your doing things. Thanks again. j  | |
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| Saying things you don't mean
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:17:36 PM |
I like what you are saying and appreciate sharing it. There is a strong difference between going for the jugular and expressing things in frustration. A strong difference between verbal and mental abuse and getting things off your chest. And coming from the background we have, it's a hard issue. I have definitely not always handled it well in the past but have made great strides in that area.
prediction materializing....
For me I have to work on finding the balance between stuffing things till I explode or letting other's push my buttons. I do pretty well for the most part but there are moments and when they arise I try to fix them
Of all the people I know, sweetjem definitely works the hardest at dealing with "her side of the street" -- reminds me of the old neighbor lady from when I was a kid who was outside every morning sweeping her driveway. {now attempting to climbing out of hole} It takes a very humble and honest person to look at their own actions and reactions and be willing to immediately admit their part in something without excuse. | |
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| Saying things you don't mean
Posted: 9/13/2008 2:01:11 PM | GPSweetheart, I hear you and agree. I guess there is a huge difference of opinion on what degree the Op may have been saying. I didn't mean to imply anything to you, just not clear on things.
Gem, I know you didn't imply anything, I understand. This is such a difficult topic for me. I was raised in a house where words were weapons and while I am perfectly capable of getting "into the gutter" with the best of them, I choose not to go there and here is why. I remember how the words hurt to this day I remember how they hurt and I for one don't have the heart to put anyone through that kind of pain. Nor do I want to have to look myself in the mirror and admit how I verbally destroyed someone, that is not who I am. While saying cruel things to someone may make others feel better about themselves it speaks volumes about the person they really are.
Communication is huge in any relationship, as well as actions. A few months ago I was tested pretty well, someone wrote terrible nasty things to me and then basically said he wished I was dead, this was someone I care for a great deal. However, in those words he showed me who he was. As much as that hurt, I did not retaliate, sure I was hurt but I used proper words to express my anger, not below the belt cruel statements that I could never take back. It amazes me how cruel people can be, it also amazes me how some people can feel perfectly justified in their words and actions regardless of how cruel those words and actions are. It sometimes makes me wonder if they are human.
Gem, it took me a long time to get to the point where I am now, but I have to say arriving here was one of the proudest moments of my life. It is hard at times to not spit out that verbal weapon, but I have gotten to the point in my life where I can't hurt someone like that, I just walk away with my head held high and my mouth shut. | |
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| Saying things you don't mean
Posted: 9/13/2008 2:07:58 PM | I have done it more than I can count and at 55 I try not to do it any more. I think the last very rude thing I said to a guy was I know now why he is divorced.. that was a hateful thing to say and our relationship never did recover after that.
I work really hard if I am upset, hurt, or angry with someone just to keep it simple tell them why I am upset.. and respectfully request that they change..
Usually it doesn't make a difference people are gonna do what they are gonna do.. but I feel a lot about about myself as a person when I don't seek to hurt.
One of these days I hope to achieve a higher level of patience with people who are not
"treating" me the way I want to be treated.. and I say that with tongue in cheek because I just had a relationship end with a special guy because he just didn't have the time or energy for me at this time in his life. | |
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| Saying things you don't mean
Posted: 9/13/2008 2:10:21 PM | GPSsweatheart: I agree with you.. came from the same. Could cut like a knife and at a much younger age was proud that I "didn't let anyone get the best of me" But with age and wisdom I choose my words very carefully, try to (even in the heat of the moment) remain calm, explain myself and show respect. Although I have found with some who become immediately defensive, start yelling, and shifting focus, that I will inititally try to stay calm, but I will go there with them a little bit but then end the conversation because of where it is going.
The thing I am working on now, is to try to step back COMPLETELY when angry, and come back and try to discuss it when the anger is gone. I think that is a much better place to try to resolve problems from. I don't know if it is a good idea to seek resolution from a place of anger no matter how calmly I am doing it . I am still angry. | |
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| Saying things you don't mean
Posted: 9/13/2008 5:38:05 PM |
Gem, it took me a long time to get to the point where I am now, but I have to say arriving here was one of the proudest moments of my life. It is hard at times to not spit out that verbal weapon, but I have gotten to the point in my life where I can't hurt someone like that, I just walk away with my head held high and my mouth shut.
GPSweetheart, you are a sweetheart. And you should be very proud. I won't write it all out on here but please believe me when I say I understand exactly where your coming from and you are an inspiration to me. I don't always keep my mouth shut and walk away, but I am so far better then the way I used to be.
You have grace and dignity and what a victory that is. Sorry for what the person did to you, but I hope you know that you are so far above that. My ex was like that only much deeper and what I finally realized is that he had such a selfhatred that he had to hurt others and get them to engage in the battle in order to justify his behavior and feel better about himself. I pity him, and though some things still sting I don't hate him or wish him harm. He will continue to be miserable for life probably and that's his choice. I choose to better myself and rise above it. Of course I am a work in progress but it's going well considering.
Thanks so much for sharing that. I am encouraged by you, and any man that grabs your heart will be one lucky man. | |
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| Saying things you don't mean
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:19:39 AM |
GPSweetheart, you are a sweetheart. And you should be very proud. I won't write it all out on here but please believe me when I say I understand exactly where your coming from and you are an inspiration to me. I don't always keep my mouth shut and walk away, but I am so far better then the way I used to be.
You have grace and dignity and what a victory that is. Sorry for what the person did to you, but I hope you know that you are so far above that. My ex was like that only much deeper and what I finally realized is that he had such a selfhatred that he had to hurt others and get them to engage in the battle in order to justify his behavior and feel better about himself. I pity him, and though some things still sting I don't hate him or wish him harm. He will continue to be miserable for life probably and that's his choice. I choose to better myself and rise above it. Of course I am a work in progress but it's going well considering.
Thanks so much for sharing that. I am encouraged by you, and any man that grabs your heart will be one lucky man.
[B]PREDICTION MATERIALIZED
I totally agree with sweetjem - and I have already mapquested the route from WA to IN "just in case". I also "come from" that crap but my coping mechanism was always to "shut down" rather than fight back. Not that one is better than the other.
In any event, I love your demeanor. You "rock" in my book!
/its more of a pamphlet really... | |
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| Saying things you don't mean
Posted: 9/14/2008 5:48:49 AM | Gem and KRN, I know a lot of us come from this kind of life and as such it is all we know and therefore we end up in the same type of relationships as adults. I was lucky, I go out, my marriage wasn't like this and neither have my serious relationships. However the problem still exists within my extended family and every now and then I run into an individual like I referenced above, so I am still give opportunity to practice my "rise above" skills.
Lucky, shutting down is what I did when I was very young, but you know that only hurt me, sometimes silence can break your spirit and your heart. While I don't "fight back" I won't let someone break me. How someone chooses to deal with my rebuttle to their ugliness is their choice, sticking to the facts and the truth is the way to go, the truth rarely fails you.
Hugs to all of you. | |
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| Saying things you don't mean
Posted: 9/14/2008 6:35:56 AM | (quote)"It is easy to be hurt by someone for whom you care and the more you like them the greater the level of trust, acceptance, opening up ensuing vulnerability and consequently, a greater the level of hurt. " (quote)..
This is so true.........When we become involved with someone, we do become vulnerable because we believe that when they say they love us that they "really" do. When we absolutely fall in love with them and they say, "I don't love you anymore", we are emotionally devastated, especially when we still love them. What is so sad about this is that oftentimes the person never really loved you to begin with; you were only a means to their needs. If people woud only realize the betrayal of emotions has on the other person. How selfish one is to stand behind such beautiful words, "I love you", to cowardly attain their selfish goals. | |
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| Saying things you don't mean
Posted: 9/14/2008 8:16:50 AM | Back to you!! It's nice to hear others who have dealt with similiar things and have WORKED to overcome them and grow... that's pretty amazing to me. No victims here!
I had a relationship with someone that made me believe in love, in beauty, in myself.
I fell in love with him the first night I met him and that never faded, it only grew.
He showed me how to trust, open up, laugh, love. He taught me that the world has good people. He taught me how to listen and speak.
He taught me to hope and dream and live.
He taught me that it was ok to be me, flaws and all. He showed me how to heal.
He taught me what a real man was... he was no doormat by any means but he was not a jerk, badguy.
RIP R
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