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Posted: 9/12/2008 12:43:54 PM | I certainly don't want to give in and tell her I'm going to compromise what I deserve and continue to accept what isn't acceptable for me.
Compromising is NOT giving in. Compromise is what one does in all walks of life to gain what you want.
She has children....you knew that when you started seeing her. As someone already stated........what can you do to ease some of her burden so that she can see more of you?
I think perhaps your biggest obstacle is distance. Maybe if you had continued the relationship to see if it would go anywhere the distance problem could have been solved.
My question was how should I play my cards to get her to miss me and come after me
And dont play games.......I'm sure she does miss you. What do you want her to do...give up her kids? She has responsibilites that you knew about when you started seeing her.
If you want to see if this works then your going to have to do some compromising and see where this relationship is headed. If its all about you , and as you say what you want and deserve, and she cant give that to you than move on.
PEACE
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Posted: 9/12/2008 12:45:41 PM | Are you joking? How should you play your cards to make her come after YOU?????? You can't. She does not have the time to worry about you. She has a family to raise and support. Some guy she just met is never going to be a priority until she decides its time to be more involved.
Even if you wait 6 months or a year she won't be any closer distance wise, her kids will not me much older and she will still have a job that she goes to 9-5. The fact that her divorce is recent means the timing was awful from day one. What were your intentions? Were you willing to uproot your life for her and her children so soon? Probably not, and I am sure she wouldn't have wanted you to either.
It is so hard for a childless person to truly understand the life of a single parent. Single people especially those over 35 are very self centered, although not intentionally it's because they CAN be.. They have the luxury of thinking of themselves first and foremost. Their time is their own and they are used to doing what they want when they want.
A good parent always has to put the needs of their children ahead of a date. They cannot drop what they are doing and just go out like you can.
It seems to me that what you need is a woman in your area preferably without kids. | |
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Posted: 9/12/2008 12:59:21 PM | My goodness, some of you are coming at me like I'm this demanding, self-centered, kid-hating man. I have totally been supportive of her kids and was always asking about them.
But you all have given me food for thought and inside the world of a single mom. Maybe I should have lowered my expectations from the get-go. And as much I would prefer a woman with no kids, I like here. That's just how it is. | |
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Posted: 9/12/2008 1:07:56 PM | I would move her in to the friends zone and email or tm to say hi etc.
Again, see this is what I keep saying, anything over a half hour for me just doesn't seem to work. Some people can do it, I haven't been able to and really don't condemn anyone for trying. I just know that I tried it enough that I can't and won't. OP, you have learnt many a lesson from this experience. | |
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Posted: 9/12/2008 1:29:44 PM | | No two people are identical when it comes to pacing a relationship. In fact, most of us move at different paces with different people. I've always figured that it was best to let them know how I felt and what I was looking for in the relationship. If that didn't suit their needs and co-ordinate with their time schedule, at least we were both open and honest and nobody was going to be too hurt or disappointed. | |
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Posted: 9/12/2008 2:52:48 PM | in other words while you where with her you did not understand the responsibilities she had at home/ kids and stuff ... but in the future its ok ????
wow I realy dont understand that concept .
or is it your ego now . you thought you did not want that , you started dating other girls and now you considering wanting her back ....
talking about a game here ...
she will always have responsibilities and she will always be a mother with kids .... thats now or the future ...
you said you deserve better or more attention . maby she deserves a better guy that can handle her situation better .
by the way you dont play cards when it comes to a realationship . and you dont play with someones heart .....
maby after her seeing what you are about and that you not ready for all that she wont come back . maby she will see that she deserves better as well ;
JMO
kathy | |
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Posted: 9/12/2008 2:53:23 PM |
But I've been totally supportive of her responsibilities with her kids. And I wasn't pouting and demanding for her time; I just had to communicate that this wasn't working for me (seeing her once a month) and she understood I wasn't saying what she was doing was wrong.
Do you realize that you don't have to be critical of someone in order to not be supportive? When she isn't able to make adjustments due to conflicts with her responsibilities/schedule and you don't step up to the plate to make adjustments of your own in order to accommodate both her and yourself, then that's not supportive. I'm not saying what you did or said was wrong. It was honest and that's good. There's just so much more that you could have done. But you didn't. *You* want to talk about *your* needs, wants and standards, and what *she* needs to do to meet those.
I've been patient and supportive, but mature enough to know this isn't working for me right now. If I waited for he until things slowed down, I don't think she would have respect for me.
Why not? What's not to respect about that? Do you think being all about yourself is a character trait that garners respect? Do you think that seeing other women when you're supposedly so into this woman is respecting them? Do you even know what respect is and how it is earned? I suspect not.
But, hey, that's just my opinion. That and a buck will get you a cup of coffee. | |
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Posted: 9/12/2008 6:31:51 PM | You chose to ignore this the first time I posted so I am going to post it again. Once a month, because you could not drive there?
No one can really answer this question for you partially because you did not provide enough information. You speak of what you need, the time between meetings, etc. Did you make the effort to drive or in addition to everything else was she supposed to fit traveling to you in her plans?....She doesn't have time, have you ever tried to analyze her situation and figure out how she can streamline her time? Did you tell her you would be happy to go to the grocery store with her, to run errands, so she is not running around like a psycho trying to free up her time to be with you?....
Everything you posted was about what she did or didn't do, what did you do?
Again, what you deserve, not settling, etc., what have you done to get her? Have you done whatever you could to make her feel like she didn't have to choose? If you care about someone you try to be a positive addition to his/her life not try to figure out what they should do to be welcome in yours. | |
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Posted: 9/12/2008 7:16:46 PM | Hmm...which raises a question....OP, did you two ever do things together that involved including her children? :)
Not giving you a mean time...just asking a simple question. :) | |
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Posted: 9/12/2008 8:55:29 PM |
Well, I don't think I want to end all possibilities with her, because I really like her. But I also realize the timing simply isn't right. Does me being not ready for family situation have anything to do with how I feel about this woman? No. I can't control how I feel.
If you're admittedly not ready for a 'family situation' then seriously, now that you know this (assuming you maybe didn't know it before you got involved with her?), move on and refrain from wasting your time, or hers (or the time of any other woman who has children and responsibilities). You make mention that the timing wasn't right. Well I doubt her children are going anywhere soon so why would you wait around?
And I also wanted her to know that I deserve someone that can give me prime-time attention, which obviously she can't....She has to respect that.
Whoa, now you come across as very selfish and arrogant (though you may not intend to). Respect is a 2-way street. While you're declaring that she must respect your need to be #1 in her life, you also need to respect the fact that her #1 priority is to the lives she helped to create; her children. She deserves a man who will respect her responsibilities and commitment to her children. Seems like you're thinking only about yourself and seriously, you come across as very c*cky and narcissistic.
I just want to know how I can play my cards to have a chance with her in the future....For now, I'm thinking to just let her go.....and if it's meant to be, she'll come back...
She'll "come back"? Dude - you ended it with HER, despite her attempts to keep it going -- again, you come across very 'full of yourself' -- that you're so the cat's arse that one day she'll come to her senses and "come back." In order for one to "come back", they had to have "left" in the first place. You're the one that did the leaving. I think you need to get yourself checked........and stick with the single ladies who have no children. | |
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Posted: 9/13/2008 7:53:54 AM | I didn't end it with her; we both decided it was best to be friends and occasionally hang out. I mean, we saw each other once a month, so we weren't really together. She knows I still really like her. The conversation actually ended pretty positive.
Yesterday, in fact, I text'd her that she was a good mom and I like that. I also told her to take her time with her kids and responsibilities and that I know when we do hang out it will be special.
I was just getting too emotionally wrapped up into her and I had to step back...
I'm trying... | |
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Posted: 9/13/2008 11:05:37 AM | OP, if you truly like this woman and see potential there....seek that in which her heart lies...
meaning: YOU suggest doing something which includes her children being involved...this can be something as simple as lunch or going to a park so the kids can play and you both can talk. THEN you will see her opening up more..... | |
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Posted: 9/13/2008 1:00:18 PM | I think you just need to figure out if you want someone who can give you "prime time" or if you want HER. Sounds to me like you really care about her and part of what makes her who she is is her committment to her kids.
If you've dated other women and still think about and want to be with her I think you should stay in contact. Truly good matches are not so easy to find.
The single biggest change for me when I had kids is that my selfishness just vanished. When a mother wakes up to a crying baby when she's dead tired and sick the only thing that matters is that the baby needs something and there's a powerful force that makes her response to that baby a million times more important than the fact that she's tired and sick or in the middle of foreplay or on the phone or the toilet or anything in the world. That will never change and I'd bet that if she was not that kind of woman you wouldn't like her so much.
Distance is hard, but you have more freedom than she does. Have you offered to go to where she lives and take her and the kids to the park? How about barbeques at her place? Videos and pizza? Single moms do have to be extra careful. It's one thing to get through your own mistakes, but it's a whole nother ball game when we go dragging our children through our mistakes. She's smart to go slow, she's smart to see what you're made of and she's smart to not disrupt her kids' day to spend time with you.
Sounds to me like she's really gotten under your skin and if you let her go you'll regret it. She sounds like a quality woman to me and I think you should be thinking about whether you can meet her standards rather than whether she can give you wnat you need. | |
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Posted: 9/13/2008 8:43:17 PM |
My conclusion is that she’s just not emotionally available enough for me.
My conclusion is that you're not emotionally mature and are too emotionally needy for a woman who has anything else in her life but you.
You don't want her back. You want her attention back - focused on you.
Well, sadly you aren't her largest priority at this time, nor should you be.
You asked for our opinions of how we think you handled it, not that our opinions should matter, but I think you handled it how you handled it. If this is truthfully how you are and how you feel then you're the WRONG man for this woman and her children.
Stay away from them. | |
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Posted: 9/13/2008 9:05:41 PM | It appears that by the female-chauvanistic attack...that my friend needs to have his thread be defended.
To all of the women here...now hear this. None of you know what it is to be a man dealing with relationships, anymore so than we as men know how to deal with women in ANY type of relationship.
Sometimes, things just don't feel right. They have an underlying undertone of being spread too thin. In both his and her case...this is so. Instead of the usual man bashing, try seeing him trying to assess himself in this situation. He didn't undiscover himself, nor did he devalue her. They mutually rendered this a draw. I don't attach the opinion "careless" to him or her.
Sometimes we just don't what we're feeling. It sometimes feel good, and sometimes not...in both sexes. So, let's not decide our presenter is subject to being stoned so soon. | |
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Posted: 9/13/2008 9:11:54 PM | ((((This is an easy one.....You're both wrong.)))
OP said """And I also wanted her to know that I deserve someone that can give me prime-time attention"""
Do you want someone that loves you (or likes you a lot) or do you want the physical attention, aka, "prime time". the way I view it (and I presume you two really AREN'T IN LOVE, right?) is that a person "sticks around" when they meet someone they want, like and maybe love. I get a great deal of satisfaction and pleasure knowing that person is "waiting for me", even if we only date 1x a week. A quick phone call every evening or afternoon keeps me on board.
"""I was just getting too emotionally wrapped up into her and I had to step back...""""
Yeah, thats how to form a solid relationship. | |
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Posted: 9/13/2008 9:32:52 PM | You clearly don't understand the pressures and needs she has.
You can help her best by being there for her when she needs some fun,
and sometimes a shoulder to lean on and a supportive ear.
You told her how you felt. She disagreed but respected your decision.
Sounds like she would have settled for you being a FWB.
I think you realized your fear. You are an insecure wussy. | |
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Posted: 9/13/2008 9:42:07 PM |
But, hey, that's just my opinion. That and a buck will get you a cup of coffee.
You must have one heckuva valuable opinion if you can add it to a dollar and get a cup of coffee, cause I kno a buck won't even come close. . .LoL
How much do I have to add to get a  ? | |
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Posted: 9/13/2008 9:50:30 PM | | Question for you OP. What exactly do you think "more time" is going to do for you? Weeks, months, even a year. Nothing will ever change the fact that this woman lives an hour away, and that you will always come second to her children. It also sounds like you are playing a bit of cat and mouse. You break it off with her for obvious reasons, but to me, it sounds like you are hoping she'll come back to you, telling you that you made a mistake. That could very well happen, but nothing will change in your relationship. She will always have her motherly duties, and chances are, I don't think you'll ever get enough attention from this woman that it seems you require. | |
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Posted: 9/13/2008 9:52:07 PM |
My conclusion is that you're not emotionally mature and are too emotionally needy for a woman who has anything else in her life but you.
You don't want her back. You want her attention back - focused on you.
Well, sadly you aren't her largest priority at this time, nor should you be.
You asked for our opinions of how we think you handled it, not that our opinions should matter, but I think you handled it how you handled it. If this is truthfully how you are and how you feel then you're the WRONG man for this woman and her children.
Stay away from them.
GoneSailinBabe, You are 100% correct.
I hope he takes your advice.
I'm glad her #1 priority is her kids and not some other mothers needy full grown child. | |
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Posted: 9/14/2008 1:27:22 AM |
My goodness: I came on this forum for advice and support and I'm being ripped.
no one is ripping you a new one, stop reacting like a petulant child.
anyone posting on forums and asking for opinions will get them, but you can't control the content of "others" opinions, you can only control your own.
relax, calm down. read what you've requested and take the time to consider them all--one way or another. digest before you leap.  | |
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Posted: 9/14/2008 10:27:19 AM | The feedback has helped me, though, understand the mind and responsibilities of a single, recently divorced mother. And I didn't really break-up with her; we were never together, but I was having way too many emotions than I should have for her and that's why I had to reevaluate. With her responsibilities, she couldn't return those emotions and I recognized that. We both want to remain friends and see what happens in the future, but she also wanted to make sure I don't wait for her, either; if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. We both have acknowledged that when we do hang out, we have an incredible time together.
Right now my plan is to keep in contact with her, extend occasional invitations, and show support. And if she wants to establish something, and I'm available, I'll let her set the pace. | |
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