| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:39:53 PM |
Of course there was a kind of friendship that was there. <<< BINGO MY FRIEND BINGO THAT !! is what women and some men on a dating forum mean ... something you men and women need to listen too when we are saying friends first on here .. NO it dont mean we are only lookin for friends and nothing more . It means we want to develop a friendship and see where and what the relationship can become . BUT sad to say because there are still men and women out there that just want sex and nothing more .. by women and men putting friends first we are letting those type of men and women know that you are not going to get the ole jump in bed right off with us . | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:46:30 PM | meh...I AM slightly OCD, could be I'm just hung up on the definition. But then again, communication cannot happen in a meaningful way if you use words to mean something other than what you mean.
Of course, if your dating people who think they could make love to you without having some form of relationship (friendship, if you like) to start with, your dating the wrong ones. Find yourself a gentleman, see how long it takes you to get him in bed. Bet money it don't happen for weeks at least, no matter the attraction or offers. | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:53:28 PM | I was always friends with the men I've loved (lol@Julio Iglesias who's song just popped into my head ... but opposite, of course!)
I guess it's one of those things that's a given and needs not be delved into too much. I mean, think about it. I have. If I don't like someone or vice versa, we will not become friends. If they are not my friend, I will not learn anything about them or spend time with them. If I don't do that, chances are we will never become lovers. Not that all friends are lovers, but I'm tailoring my answer to the 'friends first' phrase, currently in question. Which I don't use simply because I don't feel the need to spell something out that comes naturally to me.
Not so hard to understand. | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:57:17 PM | ^^^^ And that's something that a real gentleman can understand and appreciate.  | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 1:05:18 PM | | Men that say that don't want to come off as rushing into a relationship or look desperate. Women that say it, try to deter the "one night stands" appearance. But it makes me question how many many "friends" the person has... | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 1:22:34 PM |
Which I don't use simply because I don't feel the need to spell something out that comes naturally to me.
Yes I myself don't say it simply because I don't feel I should have to its not on my own profile .. BUT i do understand WHY some have said it and put it out there because there are those YOU have to spell it out for .. even though it comes be naturally some do not clue in .
and to the other post how many friends might someone have ? A person can not control how someone else plays the game and does things on a dating site so if someone contacts someone about sex and to stop some of the contacts in a sexual manner they put friends first it does not mean they have tons of * those* friends .
I can hang around gentleman all day and night and its still not going to stop the actions of some men and woman on here and some of the emails they send .. for example .. on my own profile I have a quote from a philosopher on my profile about men and women .. and women being the most dangerous plaything ... with this small quote , I had a man email me asking if I liked to play on cam .... I emailed him in disbelief asking what made him think so . and was amazed that he took a QUOTE as to hinting that i would do something as cam play it amazed me , I told him congrats with his email he changed my profile to have that i do NOT play on cam or cyber . With that I truly do understand why some put friends first to stop those thinking just sex . | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 1:49:37 PM | | And I guess you have helped me to understand it as well, perhaps I'll not pass the next one by now, but give her a chance. Won't say that I agree with it, but understanding it does help. And I DO love different perspectives. | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:25:53 PM | When I hear "friends first" I think she is putting me in the "friend zone",I also think it means she is in control of the relationship.I agree partners should be friends but romance is also what I'm looking for.
Online dating is hard enough but when we have to decipher code words it makes it impossible. | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:44:09 PM | I just sat and read this... and will have to put my two cents into it later.. but that my "friends" you will have to WAIT for.....LOL
My favorite lines though are
" you are a really great guy.....but...."
and of course after you have been in what you would consider a committed relationship and the other party ends it .... " we can still be friends"... LOL... more on this later. | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:44:43 PM | | I agree with the posting of "friends first" . It puts it out there right away that I/he does not want to be hunted. Nothing worse than meeting and that eerie feeling of oops, that's what he wants. People have a right to protect themselves and no its not always a power thing, it's a this is what it is thing. | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:51:57 PM | People have a right to protect themselves and no its not always a power thing, it's a this is what it is thing.
If people stand by their rights, then they aren't open to a relationship. "Self=protection" is an attempt to "control" one's fears, and that leads to controlling behavior. Of course you have a right to be self-protective. Equally obvious is that a man, who senses those barriers and that attempt to control, has every right to move on and find someone who is more open to a relationship.
When I was looking, if I met someone who was focused on protecting herself from whatever "bad" thing she feared from a previous relationship, my attitude was that simply I didn't create the pain or the fear, and it wasn't mine to fix. I was not looking to "deal with issues" prior to even beginning a relationship.
The "friends first" in a profile often indicates that someone is focused on "self-protection", which is one of the reasons that I've always viewed it as a red flag. With so many women available, who are ready and open to a relationship, without all the "issues" in the way, why get involved in complexity, when someone is merely a profile on a website, and there's no emotional investment.
So, I've always cooperated with a woman's need to "protect herself", by not "afflicting" her with my interest. :roll: | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 3:34:10 PM | When I see "looking for friends first", I see that they want to essentially know you and be your friend before they become your boyfriend. An example would be Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) off the sitcom Friends. She wanted to be friends first with the one she would marry... then she looked at Tag who she was currently dating lol. I think people who want this relationship first are thinking of building up their companion love before their compassionate love (it should technically be the other way around as learned from sociology). They find this more comfortable rather than just jumping into a relationship because they are attractive to the person. This is just a guess I could be wrong lol.
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/14/2008 9:42:34 PM | I'm quoting one poster here: Don't you want to be courted? Don't you want to be wooed? Don't you want romance? Don't you want all that good mushy stuff that comes from DATING someone new? Well, I'm here to tell you, for most men, the whole "friends" thing not only cripples that, it changes the entire character of the relationship because usually it's a GAME.
Wooed? Courted? Romanced? Well I have found that if it starts out at a fast pace like this, it ends VERY quickly, unless the wooing, courting and romance has come AFTER a getting to know period that is LONGER than a few emails, phone calls and then a meeting. Do I want the mushy stuff that comes from DATING someone new? YOU BET!!! But only after I have gotten to know them as a person, as someone I could say I like as a friend. After being burned by being wooed, courted and romanced I have come to the conclusion that being friends first is the way to go, FOR ME. Is this a game? NOPE, just the way I see it would work for me at this time in my life. Does this make me insecure? NOPE, it makes me just someone who wants to take things slowly. Does it make me controlling? NOPE, just makes me someone who wants to be "normal" and let things develop at a pace that is comfortable for me. And if this doesn't sit RIGHT with some guys, well those guys aren't RIGHT for me!! The RIGHT guy will understand how I feel about this and a discussion will never have to take place on whether to be friends first or not............PERIOD!!! | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/15/2008 12:41:14 AM | A potential boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is TOTALLY DIFFERENT than a male friend - female friend relationship (I know well duh).
The thing is ..... they are NEVER the same thing ever. Not at first - not in the middle - not in the end ......... NEVER the same thing.
The “friends first” ...... is a sex implication. It also looks like a early warning that SHE will control the relationship.
What guy (that is respectful - loves his mom - loves his dog - loves apple pie) wants HER RULES shoved in his face - BEFORE she even knows he exist?
A real two way match - happens pretty fast. The “friends first” tries to speak to “don’t expect fast sex”. In a real two way match - the sex WILL happen and it makes no difference AT ALL ...... when.
All of my relationships have been long-ish. Far far longer than average. From ...... well from pretty much instantly we both knew the sex could happen sooner or later.
First girlfriend - took me about three months to get her pants off. I keep cranking up the heat - cranking up the heat - cranking up the heat ..... finally.
Second girlfriend - took about two weeks - same cranking up the heat but ..... I think I was getting better at it lol.
Both of those two girls - came and picked me up when I got back from boot camp - we had a fun night (no sex) everyone still liked everyone.
Susie - me and Susie dry hunched for about 18 months .......... never did get her pants off - had rug burn for months lol. She finally moved out of the country for a big job. My point? ......... 18 months pants never came off ........ keep going back.
First wife - married 16 years ....... took about 2 months
Second wife - married 17 years ....... we had talked on the phone a couple of times - that was before the internet - never even seen a picture of each other - mutual friend suggested we maybe should meet. We screwed our brains out the first time we met. Still like the pOOp out of each other and always will.
My point ???
Friends First is NOT the thought wave going into a potential male/female (boyfriend/girlfriend) relationship ...... THEY ARE DIFFERENT from minute one.
Do you have to be friends for it to last ....... yes
Do you have to LIKE each other a bunch for it to last ........ yes
Do you have to have a hard time keeping your hands off of each other - for it to last ......... yes
Does it start from day one as friends ........... no (two way respect - yes - friends no) | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/15/2008 3:53:04 AM | I'm going to have to disagree with the general opinion here that 'friends first' is for the damaged and manipulative.
I like having male friends, and I have the self control to pull it off. I also like to really closely evaluate anyone before being romantic with them, I'm protecting myself there. I respect that a lot of people aren't looking for friends, but a date and a pressured romantic situation right off the batt are not really how I choose to operate.
But hey, that's why we're given the option of choosing to state what we are looking for. | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/15/2008 10:16:06 AM | | Some are you touching base in thinking that its AFTER someone has met someone and then drops the line of friends first.. to me as I stated I fully understand why some put friends first on their profile . To scare of those who are looking for nothing but a romp in the bed. | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/15/2008 8:38:30 PM | | Here's another way to look at it. If a guy cannot have a few dates without groping me or jumping into bed, at very least, he has poor impulse control. This is not the kind of person I would want to get involved with anyway. It seems very desperate to me. At least be willing to hang out for a month or two, or longer. | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/15/2008 8:47:00 PM | I fully understand why some put friends first on their profile . To scare of those who are looking for nothing but a romp in the bed.
I really wish that in one of these posts, someone could explain how it processes that if someone wants a romantic relationship to be sexual, not just amicable, it "therefore" means that "all he cares about is sex".
I don't want "just sex" in a relationship. I also don't want "everything but sex". A relationship, for me, is both sexual and also about everything else. I think that's the way that most good relationships are.
As for "scaring off" men, it doesn't scare me. It's merely an acceptance that there are a lot of women in the world, and that line in a profile tells me that the person who put it in her profile, has reduced the number of women to consider by one. No big deal. At that point, she's just a profile of someone I'm not interested in dating. 
Here's another way to look at it. If a guy cannot have a few dates without groping me or jumping into bed, at very least, he has poor impulse control. This is not the kind of person I would want to get involved with anyway. It seems very desperate to me. At least be willing to hang out for a month or two, or longer.
I've never "groped" anyone, not ever. I've never had to be told "no". I understand non-verbal cues, and read them well. Either she's "into" me, or not, and if she's not, I have no interest in having sex.
That being said, if we aren't mutually drawn to each other in a way that makes sex a naturaly consequence that fulfills both of our needs, we aren't a match. Either she isn't that sexually driven, or she's not that into me. Either way, it would be foolish for me to "hang out for a month or two to "find out"" | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/15/2008 9:19:42 PM | really wish that in one of these posts, someone could explain how it processes that if someone wants a romantic relationship to be sexual, not just amicable, it "therefore" means that "all he cares about is sex" ...............
to reply to the above ...
ummm i wish some of you men who dont get it would make a woman s profile and just SEE the emails you get sometimes .. as i previously posted .. I had one guy take a quote i had on my profile as a reason to email me about having cyber sex and cam sexual fun ..... WHen a man is emailing you right off ina sexual nature its pretty clear ALL hes after is sex so when you put friends first on a profile it clears up the fact that someone is not looking for a romp in bed only .
And just because YOU dont grope does not mean others do not thats the problem you guys that are screaming the loudest about it do not stop and thhink perhaps not everyone acts as you do . | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/15/2008 9:55:57 PM | ummm i wish some of you men who dont get it would make a woman s profile and just SEE the emails you get sometimes .. as i previously posted .. I had one guy take a quote i had on my profile as a reason to email me about having cyber sex and cam sexual fun ..... WHen a man is emailing you right off ina sexual nature its pretty clear ALL hes after is sex so when you put friends first on a profile it clears up the fact that someone is not looking for a romp in bed only .
If someone is a mope or moron, do you really think a line in your profile is going to stop him? Just like "no players" is like a flashing neon sign that invites the "players", while repelling the men who aren't, cuz men aren't interested in having to deal with "guilty until proven innocent" just for being interested in you, but a player would take it as a challenge.
That wasn't the point of my question, though. There are a lot of women, who say that men who are sincere, will "wait", until some point down the road for it to be sexual. If they aren't willing to wait, it "proves" that "all they wanted was sex".
Well, no, that's not true. I am in a relationship, that lasted 2 years, broke up for complex reasons, and has now, after a year's break up, resumed. Who knows what the future holds, but obviously, it's more than "a romp in the hay". We met online initially, had sex on the first date, just as I have with other relationships that lasted a year or more, and just as happened with the woman with whom I was married for 20 years, and with whom I have two daughters.
In any case, not everyone has the same dating style, but there are many people who go on to have committed relationships and marriage, who begin with sex early in the relationship. There are many, many situations where people "date" for interminably long periods of time, and do become friends, but never become lovers.
A lot of men, who are sincerely open to findin a relationship, read "friends first" on a profile, and immediately move on. Not because they "just want sex", but because they
"don't want to deal with what that might mean". Nor are they interested in having a conversation with someone who is "dictating the terms" prior to even talking to him.
It's my experience that every serious relationship I've had, happened to have been sexual on the first date. I don't demand that it be, but if there is no chemistry, it's not worth pursuing. I have continued to date someone beyond a first date, when the first date wasn't sexual, but chemitry seemed to be there. It just so happens that none of those every became much of a relationship.
So, with that experience in mind, how would it process if someone had read on my profile "First date must be sexual, or else I'll know that you just want to date to date"? Would it seem "controlling", only caring about what I want, dysfuntional?
That's very much like the flip side of how "friends first" processes for some, me included. | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/15/2008 10:04:51 PM | Then its rather simple instead of telling someone HOW to put their profile and HOW to look for their mate ..... accept the fact some put friends first on their profile and move on .. I dont even put friends first on my profile BUT i do understand Why some do and I leave it at that . IF s ex on a first date worked for you kudos to you , some would prefer to get to know someone better and then build on that so that the relationship last longer than a few years .. to each their own ..
And if someone puts friends first on their profile and a man moves on to the next profile or a woman moves on.. then they were not ment to be ... good god the fact their is a hissy fit about someone putting i prefer to make friends first is bizzare to me . | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/15/2008 11:23:57 PM |
And if someone puts friends first on their profile and a man moves on to the next profile or a woman moves on.. then they were not ment to be ... good god the fact their is a hissy fit about someone putting i prefer to make friends first is bizzare to me .
Some people have nothing better to do than complain about other peoples *preferences* and trying to "tell" them how they are "wrong" for them. I've learned over the years, what works for me, and what I want, isn't necessarily what works for someone else or what they want... isn't it a wonderful thing we aren't all 'clones' of each other, and are actually unique individuals?
If we were all the same, thought the same, we wouldn't need elections now, would we? ;-) | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 12:07:54 AM | It means they want to have sex with you but don't plan on having a 'relationship' any time soon. They enjoy being single.
I agree with this statement totally at least when it is in a man's profile! | |
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| What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 12:36:24 AM | | Personally I like sex and really don't want to waste alot of time on a man that is no good in the sack.(Now by good in the sack I mean is he trying to be good. Most women would consider a man good as long as he is trying to be good in bed. Example if he doesn't last longer than 3 minutes does he still make sure that she is sattisfied before he goes to sleep?) No matter how nice he is, how wonderful he is, the truth is if he's no good in bed, it won't be long until I'm lookin elsewhere. Now if he is good in bed,and our pesonalities click, I'm keeping him. He aint' getting away. I'd rather know which one he is right away, so I can break it off if need be, before he has strong feelings for me, or I have to feel really bad about hurting a friend. | |
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