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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What is friends first?      Home login  
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 Renaissance Man 1950
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 126
What is friends first?Page 6 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Some people have nothing better to do than complain about other peoples *preferences* and trying to "tell" them how they are "wrong" for them.


When the OT is "what is friends first?", and someone answers how that processes, it's hardly telling someone that he/she is "wrong" for his preferences. Eeryone is entitled to his/her preferences. What's interesting in this thread is that when men say how they interpret "friends first" they are often told that they're "wrong", and that's where it starts getting controversial.

Everyone has every right to have "filters". Some don't realize that they have one, when putting "friends first" in a profile.
 FishOwl
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 127
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 6:54:33 AM
"Stare love in the face and wrestle it to the ground! (I'm not sure what that means)"

You don't know what it means and still you have something to say.

Friends first is where my wife and I started before most of you were born, prehistory, olden days. Friends first got me a marriage that lasted 33 years, 122 days until cancer ripped her out of my life.

Friends first got me something very special and I see no reason to change to get the fragmented histories about which you can read on almost any thread on this or any other similar site.

The best definition of "friend" that I have ever heard is someone who knows a whole lot about you and likes you anyway. If you can't be friends, what else do you think you are going to have? Seems like a good place to start.
 sparklyshell
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 128
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 7:06:05 AM
My opinion is similar to most people's here.

Whilst I see it as important to know my future boyfriend properly before delving into anything serious I am put off by those who say 'friends and see where it goes' because of the point someone else made about them wanting control. I think it's also a suspicious way of saying 'I want sex and no ties'. Because of the risk of it meaning those things I usually pass over men who say 'friends and see where it goes'. That's not enough for me and not what I am looking for. You're on a dating site. If you want to find friends go to a penpal site.
 forums1
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 129
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:31:36 AM
I think the whole thing is kinda silly... what does "friends first" mean? Hmm, well, then what does "dating" mean? What does "looking for LTR" really mean?

I mean, "dating" to you may mean having 5 "fires burning" trying to decide, sleeping with multiple people... not what it means to me, but...

Then again, you may think "LTR" means long term FWB for all I know...

Of course, the easy solution to that is to actually *talk* to the person, and ask what *they* mean by it... but that requires that scary communication thing, and apparently its easier to ask it on POF and get umpteen pages of what everyone thinks it means, rather than asking the one person who really knows what they meant.
 LaMediaNaranja
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 130
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:41:47 AM
OP: When you meet someone for the first time - you don't make a "beeline" to the altar (figure of speech - not that YOU want that). Ideally, you court someone and allow the relationship to flourish. That is what most want. There are many that have this preconceived "Plan" on how their life is SUPPOSE to play out. Well, guess what? As life as taught most of us, if not all - it doesn't quite happen how we plan it.

As a result, you become friends with potential for more. Your partner should be your confidant first, lover, etc............... Hence, why "friends first".......................

 SmartSassyBBWinLA
Joined: 5/6/2006
Msg: 131
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:52:08 AM
Having lived long enough to have had plenty of casual meaningless sexual exploits I am now at a point in my life where I am not sleeping with anyone who isn't a "friend". Takes some "getting to know you" time--and some mutual respect and admiration. If a guy isn't up for that...then he is not my type of man.
 Scorpion_66
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 132
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 1:59:46 PM
ROTFLMAO.....I personally would never date or have anything serious with anyone who sleeps with their friends. Geez, would have to get rid of all the people I ever told "Let's just be friends", If I followed that line of thinking. Or does that mean they secretly really wanted to sleep with me when they said that. Oh, I'm so confused now. LMAO

Some of the people using the term mean to get to know you first. IE. NO SEX TODAY or SOON
Some of the people using the term mean NO SEX EVER.
Some of the people using the term mean YOUR THE ONLY ONES I WILL SLEEP WITH.
Some have other definitions altogether.

Overall, the only common denominator seems to have to do with whether someone will sleep with ya or not. SO, over some preconcieved idea of whether someone will want or try to have sex with you, we have all these confusing ways of stating things in order to say something without actually saying it at all, and confusing things by using a term that actually means one thing to mean something entirely different. Talk about wanting someone honest. Um, just tell me whether there is a chance of a relationship, mmmmmkaaaaay. Just tell me if and when you want to get intimate, mmmmmkaaaaay? Just tell me if your going to be going out with "friends" when ya get with me, mmmmmkaaaaay? Don't confuse me by using a term that indicates platonic and then wanting something else later, mmmmmkaaaaay?


 Renaissance Man 1950
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 133
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 2:15:50 PM
Scorpion66 post #133


Don't confuse me by using a term that indicates platonic and then wanting something else later, ok?


That would seem to me to be what "friends first" means. However, having been scolded in post #121 that it's wrong to address the topic, even though it is the OT


If someone puts friends first on their profile and a man moves on to the next profile or a woman moves on.. then they were not ment to be ... good god the fact their is a hissy fit about someone putting. i prefer to make friends first is bizzare to me



I suppose, we just have to accept the female definition of what it means : post 129


I usually pass over men who say 'friends and see where it goes'. That's not enough for me and not what I am looking for.
You're on a dating site. If you want to find friends go to a penpal site

or is it post #132



I am now at a point in my life where I am not sleeping with anyone who isn't a "friend".
Takes some "getting to know you" time--and some mutual respect and admiration.
If a guy isn't up for that...then he is not my type of man

That should clear up any confusion.

 Scorpion_66
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 134
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 2:19:21 PM
ROTFLMAO...exactly my point. Clear as Mud.
 prissywild
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 135
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 2:47:07 PM
To me if you can't be friends first ..Then what have you got ? I personaly will not get involved with a man sexualy unless the friendship grows ..The only way the friendship can grow is though #1 contact on this dating service or others or chance meeting then #2 chats,e-mails or phone conversations ..#3 A FACE TO FACE MEETING OR DATE IF YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE AND YOU SHOULD BY THEN! then if the chemistry is not there you've made a friend ..if it is then possible in a few weeks, months let the sex come natural ....LOVE HAS TO DEVOLOPE THROUGH FRIENDSHIP .....
PRISSY WILD
 Scorpion_66
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 136
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 2:59:56 PM
Even in your own paragraph you use friends in two seperate and different contexts. You say you will not get involved sexually unless a friendship grows, then right behind that you state if there is no chemistry you've made a friend. Which is it, do you have sex with friends, or are friends the ones where no chemistry is there? In other words, If you tell someone he is a friend, is he supposed to respect the friend statement and not think of you romantically, or is he supposed to think that down the line it could get romantic. Your a contradiction.
 chesher 38
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 137
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 3:03:26 PM
Friends First is just that, If you can't even be Good Friends, then WTF are you doing in The SACK TOGETHER ???



I am normal and I think about sex, I also think about the down side of when things don't work out...



If all you got incomin is sex, then you got nothing to build upon, on the other hand
( Good Friendships Grow and Mature in time )...
 christi66
Joined: 4/17/2007
Msg: 138
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 3:09:33 PM
FishOwl your post is wonderful makes a person realize making a friend and letting it blossom and become something special and warm and growing into a solid bond is a wonderful thing ... to you ...
 Scorpion_66
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 139
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 3:26:03 PM
I've openly admitted over and over that there must be a deep connection and trust relationship prior to sex. However, yall are still dancing around the question.

Do you expect a man/woman to respect it when you tell them "Let's be friends."? What actions do you expect of a person you have told this to and what will your actions towards them consist of? Simple question, easy answer.

There is a catagorization that universally means "NO romantic inclinations." It's called friends. Everyone I know openly admits to having used this line somewhere down the line. And it universally meant they were NOT interested in persuing anything further.

Does there have to be a friendly connection between two people, well of course there does, let's not be rediculous. Does that mean the person gets a classification of "Friend", that's where the sticky part comes in. Answer the questions above to determine what it means. IF you classify someone as a "Friend" you have calssified the person to abide by the answer you gave to the question above. IF you do that, don't expect something different than the actions you answered in the second part of the question. Also, Expect them to see you doing the answer you gave above with anyone else you classify as "friend".

Holding to double standards or dual meanings is both confusing and dishonest, shows no respect for the other person. Determine your own standpoint on it, and stick to it. And don't beat anyone else up for not understanding if you refuse to. right?

Scenario 1:
Person A tells both person B and Person C that he/she wants to be friends. Person A means friend in the traditional sense, no romantic inclinations. Person's A, B and C both understand no romantic inclinations. All is good in the world.

Scenario 2:
Person A tells both person B and Person C that he/she wants to be friends. Person A means friends in the sense of "I'm going to let this grow and bloom into a romantic relationship." Person's B and C both understand the traditional sense, no romantic inclinations. Uh, Oh, problems in the making.

Scenario 3:
Person A tells both person B and Person C that he/she wants to be friends. Person B means friends in the sense of "I'm going to let this grow and bloom into a romantic relationship." Person's A and C both understand the traditional sense, no romantic inclinations. Uh, Oh, problems in the making.

etc, etc, etc.
Say what you mean, mean what you say. If any one of the three in the scenario's don't all understand what it means, because someone has changed how they are going to use the term "Friend" then there will be issues, someone will be hurt, there will be confusion, etc.

I can't believe this isn't completely and totally obvious to everyone. And I do mean Everyone. The term for friend who will have romantic possibilities is girlfriend/boyfriend. OR simply state up front that you would like to develop the relationship slowly, out of the bedroom, if that's what you want. Duh.

Absolutly and positively, friends first means that someone is playing word games, doesn't understand what a friend is, has control issues, has hurt issues, wants to take it slow, isn't interested in persuing a real relationship, etc. One of these.

Stating up front you are not interested in just jumping into the sack with someone means that you honest, understand the meaning of the word friend in the traditional sense, can be trusted with other "friends" later on in the relationship, aren't interested in confusing anyone, etc. Not neccessarily, but you get it I'm sure.
 zeeba
Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 140
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 4:38:14 PM
Actually, I have another scenario...and it was a big error! I've started off with that "friendship first" in the hopes that it would blossom into something more. However, I now believe I unwittingly put the guy in that infamous friends zone before he had a chance to do anything else!

I totally believe in establishing that connection first where each person feels comfortable and trusts the other. But, I also think you have to be REALLY careful of that friends zone. All too easy for the man or the woman to think, "Well, friendship is indeed all the other one wants." A fine line.
 LaMediaNaranja
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 141
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 4:44:25 PM
Well, OP - if this hasn't added to the confusion - everyone has their own interpretation of "Friends First"! Seems the English language has taken some drastic change. Not surprised, but I am taken aback by how some believe it is a "sign" of someone insecure and scared, etc.......................

Maybe "friends first with the potential for more" will work for some................... Really isn't rocket science - I think we are reading too much into this.

 Renaissance Man 1950
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 142
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 4:59:56 PM

If all you got incomin is sex, then you got nothing to build upon, on the other hand
( Good Friendships Grow and Mature in time )...


I just had this conversation with a friend in my real life. It's actually kind of simple, if someone is REALLY ready to explore a real romantic relationship. Not everyone is. In fact, there have been periods of time in my life, blessedly short, where I've realized that I wasn't in the "emotional place" to get "involved", but I enjoyed a "friendship" that involved "doing stuff together". I suppose, too, I managed to fool myself that that sort of "dating" would, maybe, lead to something deepler. It does....deeper friendship.

Simple truth. Assuming one is open to a relationship, if there is chemistry, and the sex is really good, then two people want to see more and more of each other.The emotions that are brought to the fore, when you become lovers, open one up emotionally, wanting to be "known" in a way that he wouldn't with "just a friend". There's an urgency to being together. Wheras friendship is merely nice, when it's convenient, or when there's a specific purpose. There's no "urgency" to spending time together. It's more "event driven".

In other words, great lovers ALWAYS become friends, but great friends rarely become lovers, let alone "great".
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 143
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:13:15 PM
I don't think "friends first" is a viable option. Either you want romance with that person or you don't...

Willing to wait to get to know them? Sure... Think a "friend" will develop into a "lover"? No way.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 144
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:14:52 PM
I think "friends first" means "I want to get to know you before I jump into bed with you." That's my take on it. Really, I think the concept of "friends" first is a mistake. I'm all for getting to know someone before becoming lovers. People could avoid a lot of unnecessary heartache if they'd take a little time to get to know someone before having sex with them. But I think the idea of developing a "friendship" is all wrong. I don't f*ck my friends. When I meet someone, they are either on potential boyfriend track or friend track. Having sex with a friend is almost like incest and a surefire way to screw up a friendship. It's an entirely different set of dynamics. I don't flirt with friends. I don't develop sexual tension with friends. Yes, I will develop a friendship with my lover over time, but that comes later.

It isn't just men that say it; women do, too. I'd prefer to say, "I want to get to know you before getting intimate."
 Tokissuponthylips
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 145
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:37:19 PM
GREAT LOVERS ALWAYS BECOME FRIENDS, BUT FRIENDS RARELY BECOME LOVERS...

Unless there was this feeling of CHEMISTRY that is felt once knowing each other...growing and learning each other slowly, feeling the bond of closeness, touching, kissing, and wanting more from this wonderful person...

Sometimes, a women will say let's be friends, due to she does not want to disappoint you and lose the MOST MAGICAL FRIENDSHIP SHE HAS EVER KNOWN, so she armours herself and protects the only thing she knows that can still keep him, THEIR FRIENDSHIP...even when no one can understand it, they know it is so strong, due to they had dreams of meeting someone like this all their life...

She would want nothing more than to have a great lover become her best friend....but it does not rest on her, this one rests on him only...She respects this, and knows what she truly wants for her dream man...for him to be AS HAPPY AS SHE IS WITH HIM...

THERE WOULD BE AN URGENSY TO SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN, TO HEAR THAT PHONE RING, TO WATCH THE SUNSET TOGETHER...to kiss her bestfriend goodnight everynight...and know the CHEMISTRY was there as they got to know each other for friends...they did not know they were going to fall for each other...it just happened...a magical friendship...reality hit and he was for real...and she got scared when she saw him...he was everything and more...

Sorry I drifted off to my own world of writing, what is friends first...




M.
 Scorpion_66
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 146
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:50:29 PM
Unless there was this feeling of CHEMISTRY that is felt once knowing each other...growing and learning each other slowly, feeling the bond of closeness, touching, kissing, and wanting more from this wonderful person...

Sometimes, a women will say let's be friends, due to she does not want to disappoint you and lose the MOST MAGICAL FRIENDSHIP SHE HAS EVER KNOWN, so she armours herself and protects the only thing she knows that can still keep him, THEIR FRIENDSHIP...even when no one can understand it, they know it is so strong, due to they had dreams of meeting someone like this all their life...

She would want nothing more than to have a great lover become her best friend....but it does not rest on her, this one rests on him only...She respects this, and knows what she truly wants for her dream man...for him to be AS HAPPY AS SHE IS WITH HIM...

THERE WOULD BE AN URGENSY TO SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN, TO HEAR THAT PHONE RING, TO WATCH THE SUNSET TOGETHER...to kiss her bestfriend goodnight everynight...and know the CHEMISTRY was there as they got to know each other for friends...they did not know they were going to fall for each other...it just happened...a magical friendship...reality hit and he was for real...and she got scared when she saw him...he was everything and more...

Sorry I drifted off to my own world of writing, what is friends first...


DOH, and just overstepped the boundary of "Friends", oh, no, now the guy is confused, he thought they were going to be friends. Oh, no, he thought he could trust what she said, and yet now here she is going further. No respect for boundaries, telling him she wanted to be a friend only to get closer and use it to keep him. Manipulative at best. How can he ever trust what she says now? His best move now is to distance himself from her. Next thing you know, she'll be telling him something else she doesn't really mean.

and sorry, tokiss, I couldn't resist......
 Invictus01
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 147
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What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:57:24 PM


I don't think "friends first" is a viable option. Either you want romance with that person or you don't...

Willing to wait to get to know them? Sure... Think a "friend" will develop into a "lover"? No way.


What she said.
 Tokissuponthylips
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 148
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 6:09:29 PM
IT'S YOU AGAIN...it's okay, I can handle it.

I do not know how to come across on line as getting it truly right, but I never had a problem once speaking to this wonderful man, who I am honored to know, and to tell you the truth it would be both our losses if we did not respect our friendship first...

MANIPULATIVE AT BEST, is there a lie detector in the house? Ask me the question, I would pass with stars...the answer is no...she smiles proudly...THE ANSWER IS NO...she stands strong and guards her rock...FRIENDSHIP AT IT'S BEST...

I couldn't resist telling you...



M.
 freespirit0452
Joined: 12/20/2007
Msg: 149
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 6:11:08 PM
It's the same from the women. They are possibly wanting to walk with someone for a while so that if it is not a "love" connection then you have, at least, gained a friend.
 Tokissuponthylips
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 150
What is friends first?
Posted: 9/16/2008 6:27:56 PM
Someone who gets it...thank you...and to the smart asses who think just because they are smart with a I.Q. over 140...this one goes out to you...

Not even the highest IQ would win over a lie detector test...TRUTH RULES, MORE THAN WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK...TRUTH IS SEXY...took 3 of them in my lifetime, passed them all with colors...for business reasons...

Anyone else to tell me how manulipative I am...

M.

M.
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