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| A fine line between friendship and a relationship..................
Posted: 9/13/2008 12:57:55 AM | I had something like this a few years back. I met someone, I wasn't really looking for a relationship since I was coming out of a bad one with my ex and was going through court stuff regarding my child and his mom was a big headache still. We ended up hanging out in a group one night and she seemed pretty fun, easy to talk to, I ended up having to stay at her and her friends house that night....we worked together, so we knew each other a bit prior to that. Nothing happened, but she had an attractive and fun personality so we started hanging out, drinking beers after work and I wasn't that interested in sex or attracted to her in much of a physical sense. She was just fun and cool and easy to talk to, I felt very comfortable with her. I had a bit of an open mind of what might be a possibility in the future....the first month was okay, but then I heard her speak with her ex-husband and they still had lots of unfinished business even though they'd been divorced and apart for years, she never took care of business the right way in the past so it still haunted her and those around her. I heard her speak to her brother, then her mother, then her teenage son and on and on....and there was always a crisis (or one created to the convenience of others) in the family. I realized this woman had a lot of irons in the fire, in a bad way. That kind of put my mental status into neutral. I didn't want to inherit someones problems to that extent. I remained friends with her, then more things seemed to happen with her at work, family......she was kind of a drama queen.
Well, lo and behold, I am always a friend and a true one and stand by the helpless and weak and weary. Make a long story short, I had my own son who was 2 , she had a 7 year old that lived with her, her tubes were tied so no worries there. I was willing to stand by her, but she drove me nuts with her family drama at times to an unbearable point and she wouldn't pick herself up out of the dumps most of the time, even though I stood by her (especially when her whole family turned on her) and consoled her, motivated her...etc...etc. That began a 3 year relationship that I pretty much surrendered what I thought was what I wanted, and had the kind of relationship you mentioned above. I wasn't much into the sex, I didn't love her as a lover, but more of a friend. She wanted to get married, but she had too many loose ends in her life, so I wouldn't do it, so we pretty much were in agreement with our relationship and it's status. We didn't do much kissing or holding hands, it was a good friendship more than anything...she had to move back to New Mexico due to her "family drama's magnetism" , but she would come and visit almost once a month ....after about another year of long distance, we really got closer and it was as if we couldn't live without each other (the heart growing fonder and I guess her family growing colder helped her make this decision)...she moved back, it was a nice time, not perfect, but okay.......but she still had lots of loose ends and I think it's what ended up ungluing us in the end.........but the moral of the story is.......you can think you can just have a great friendship and everything is line except love, because even love won't evade you for long........and if the other person loves you a lot, but you don't love them as much or in the way they love you..........watch out, it can turn around and you will end up the one with a broken heart and alone. I think also, that it's not right to have children in an environment where their influences aren't based on a set of parents who love one another............not that there is any perfect set of parents that are in love anywhere, but to not conciously try to begin with that isn't right..........it's a selfish decision for their future. I'd suggest, spend more time around each other......love will sting you when you least expect it............and then? Perhaps you can think of the next step of marriage and children. Me, I think I would take the chance again in the same situation I had............"based on a friendship, not thinking I could passionately love that person".......you'll always miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. You can learn to love someone.....even if you think you could never love them in a passionate relationship. The situation I mentioned above was the first time something like this ever happened to me, so I know it's possible now. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 12:59:13 AM | ~OP
To best answer this question is NO !!!!
It would be very hard to live with someone in the same house living without
that physical and emotional attached love without commitment and all the
wonderful things that comes from a committed relationship.
So again NO I would not!
Love does not happen over night it takes time and growth and maturity yes in
time you can learn to love someone.
But you cannot have one without the other it's next to impossible and it's not fair
to you or the induvual that is the companion. No it's not fair to anyone that has
children that are in a relationship like this.
Again this is my choice and my views I can never do this to a human being!
-Brenny-
............................................ I'm out | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:00:22 AM | Just Hanging Out: You are a very smart woman. Sounds like you know yourself pretty well. That is the first step I believe. ;)
Silentsmooth: Yes you have answered my question. At this point now, I think I would have to agree that the unlovables could, in time, become very lovable afterall.
Damon: I agree with you also. I dont think it is EVER right to use someone without their knowledge and willingness. All agreements/relationships should be built on honesty at the least.
SweetMelissa: Thank you for your HONESTY. I can understand where you are coming from. Some people do want children and haven't yet fallin inlove. I would see this circumstance being better than some others that children are brought into. Although I dont' agree that you should lie to this man. I would hope you would be able to find a man, at that time, that feels the same and is in the same situation as yourself. Would you stay with this man even after you children were grown out of dedication and thankfulness?
Spicy: Honey if sex was one of your needs, then yes.. all the sex you want. (hehe) All of your needs other than love would be met in this scenerio. It would be 2 mostly compatiable people entering into an agreement on sex, finances, values, honesty, way of life, etc. | |
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| A fine line between friendship and a relationship..................
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:09:54 AM | LeavingLasVegas: Thank you for sharing that story with us. Sounds like things may have worked if there hadn't been so many irons in the fire/drama. Sounds like the 2 of you did grow to care for each other deeply and had some nice things to share with one another. I'm thinking for some, this could work. I think it could mean happiness for some people in the end. Thank you for your honesty in this thread.
I doubt since this is a dating site, I'm going to find someone who has actually had total success with this. It is possible that it has happend though it seems. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:16:00 AM | warmbrandle to me
Would you stay with this man even after you children were grown out of dedication and thankfulness?
I would stay with him for the same reasons I married him.
This man would have to have everything else I wanted in a man. The only thing missing would be the romantic spark that kept me from Loving him. I would not marry him just to have children. I would marry him because I would be happy with him, just not as happy as I would be with a guy who I was in Romantic Love with.
Specifically I am thinking of a friend I know back in Kansas that seems perfect in every way but he is just not my type. I just do not have any romantic feelings for him. This friend (he knows who he is and knows the deal) would make me a happy woman and give me everything a girl could ask for. He would make me happy but I would never feel that special Love that I want to feel for a guy.
If I can not find that special Romantic Love by middle age then maybe it was not meant to be. I will then find a guy that I care for, respect, like a lot, and who Loves me and I will make him a very happy man. He will never know the difference because I will lie to him and to myself. I will Love the one I am with till death do us part.
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| It does take two..............
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:21:02 AM | | Well, as my Mother pointed out..............she wasn't emotionally available.........she had her emotions split all amongst numerous family members...........2 children I understand, but the ex-husband and the syblings drama and her mom's drama and couple of her friends drama was too much....of course I found out she had been in a mental hospital 3 more times than the 1 time she told me prior to meeting me. I came with just me and myself and whatever little imperfections I have.....and my son part time, but I thought she came with just herself and her 7 year old son and the teenage one back home................I'd have to say I am a selfish man in the sense that I don't want 1/10th of a persons division of love...........................I need at least 33-75 percent! | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:40:55 AM |
He will never know the difference because I will lie to him and to myself. I will Love the one I am with till death do us part. There are many different types of Love and if I can not have Romantic Love then I will allow myself to be happy with the Love I can find.
Maybe I am young and naive but I know myself better than anyone else on this earth. I am a dreamer but I am also a realist.
Melissa, stop here before you get your ass in a tangle. You are well thought of in these fora for being a fresh and straightforward spark, but I'm gonna lean in with that age thing you're talking about, and encourage you to go that number of years before you speak so openly(though optimistically) about things you haven't the years yet, to know about.
At our age, some of us men know when we're being lied to, and while it hurts, we accept it because we fear the browness of the grass on the other side of the fence. I haven't gottn there yet, because I'm youthful and fit, and not so burdened by the realities of life that I can't kick my heels up. But sadly, I have friends even a few years younger who have slaved to the dollar, look older than their age, and are enduring relationships where they think they can't do better at their age, and their wives are running around taking happiness from the whole deal while not reciprocating any to them. They are so afraid of losing their world, that they are enslaved to unhappiness. We don't get to see the arguments and other things unbecoming a good social image, because we live in a community quite removed from Jerry Springer-dom. But, when the guys get together for a drink or three, it's pretty obvious at the end of the night who's living a lie, one way or the other...
It's a noble thing you profess, but I guarantee that by the time you get there, it won't be so appealing(Ladies my age, am I full of hockey, or do I know what I'm talking about?) Everyone wants to be loved and needed, but it's not worth unknown years of marginal and iffy happiness, based on material things and one of you taking care of the other, to miss out on what an honest, real and meaningful relationship can provide for you in terms of wholesome and mutual, personal satisfaction.
Don't settle for second best, or futuristically relegate yourself to an expectation at age 35. Live for real love, improve the future for all of us, and keep the faith that you will find a life partner based on honesty, attraction, and a mutual desire to give all that you have to that person and to receive guiltlessly from them all that they have to offer you on those terms. People settling for second best has gotten us where we are, a nation with a ridiculously high divorce rate, and attorneys living high and fat off of the discord and misery of others. Don't go there. You're a cool, smart chick.
Hang that thang on the hatrack, and scream, "Honey, I'm home!" at the top of your lungs.
I'm just sayin'...
-damoN- | |
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| It does take two..............
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:42:05 AM | Thank you all for sharing.. I know in my experience, every relationship I have been in thus far. Someone loved the other more and someone loved the other less. Its just as heartbreaking and sad when you can't love someone the way they love you and you really know they are a great person and you know that you should and want to return their love.
With that being said. I think relationships with all MUTUAL feelings could work better. Even if the feelings are not true love. As long as you feel the same towards each other, and stand by your commitment, then no one party should get hurt by this. | |
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D_lily
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Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 34 | |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:51:01 AM | There is only one word I can think of and that is, NO! Love does not mean "letting" someone "control you or your emotions". I would think the happiest relationships would be where both partners can be moved and influenced by love, but , never "controled"
I would also have doubts about being in a relationship where "controled" would be seen as an asset. Strength in charachter is a solid foundation. I would rather have a partner I know is strong enough to make a stand, yet, not be to strong to bend if it is the best outcome on compromise.
I'd rather be happy than right. Playing it safe is living constructively.
Anyway, good luck in whatever you choose to be the most constructive path for you. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:54:40 AM | To Damon0028. Your quote (msg 32) came after I edited out the extra fluff in my post (msg 30). Excuse that, when I did the edit you had not posted yet.
I can promise this to whomever I decide to marry. Whether I marry a gentleman because I truly Love him or whether I marry a gentleman because he is perfect in every way except for having that Romantic spark, he will never know the difference. After a few years I will Love him so thoroughly that I may no longer know the difference. See, I believe Love can be created, not just found. I will create the Love I am after if by chance I can not find it.
As for how I will feel when I am 35, true, I do not know but I have a bigger clue than anyone else. Many people on this site are over 35 and I do respect most of their opinions but none of them have ever walked a foot in my boots and none of them know me better than I know myself.
edit for p.s. // Damon0028
You are well thought of in these fora for being a fresh and straightforward spark,
Thank you | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 2:01:52 AM |
Many people on this site are over 35 and I do respect most of their opinions but none of them have ever walked a foot in my boots and none of them know me better than I know myself.
I hear ya.... I always figured you had a head on your shoulders, but I thought I'd pipe up at least for schitzngigglz...
Will you marry me? I could learn to love your positive attitude and ambitious sense of adventure, lol... Heck, you might even be able to tolerate me!
-damoN- | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 6:44:05 AM | (((I know several on here say they do not believe in "LOVE)))
Really? Several normal people or several of the walking wounded? I know the origins of sex and mating in our animal kingdom...but I must admit to not knowing the "origin of love". Perhaps it is like a "technology" such as fire that human society cannot live without anymore. But trust me, a happily married couple that is not in love is very rare. Oh, I suppose, there are cultures where "arranged marriages" are functional and productive (please see those threads, we don't need another one), but unless those couples "learn to love" one another, they aren't happy either. They just have babies, husband works in the fields or sweatshops, and women without bras look after children all day. I suppose that could work, wanna try it?
Like the numerous "courstship" threads on here...in a traditional role society it's more common. But without "love" (and respect, and maturity, and education, and sobriety, and...) it's not gonna be common around here. What happens when wife wants to become a travelling jewelry maker, or husband meets a young hottie, or he gets transferred to Buttwanaland, or she can't stand his bad habits around the house, or....???
(((See, I believe Love can be created, not just found. I will create the Love I am after if by chance I can not find it.))))
And that is possible, and it is rare in Western cultures.
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 6:54:12 AM | You have to love yourself first. If you go into the relationship, thinking you do not Love this person, you will always have that notion in your head. You will never give yourself or him a chance, because deep inside, lurking in the deep, dark regions of your twisted mind, you will find your "inner self" screaming EEEKKKK, I don't love you. Only a very mature person could overcome such a difficult self-imposed obstacle.
Some day, you may CHANGE. We all do throughout our LOOONNNGGG lives. So, someday your body chemistry may be highly hormonal, and you may find yourself being tempted by another man, and you may think this s True Love, and be tricked... and because of this silly notion you have in your heat and mind about Not Loving Your significant other, you will ruin the very thing that could sustain you. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 7:13:30 AM | "you could never love enough to let them control you or control your emotions. "
You seem to have a rather odd concept of love. If you love someone don't you like them and admire them and their emotions? Why would you want to control anything? Do you see love as a contest of wills until one or the other has control?
"Who wants to have sexual relations with someone that really doesn't have any loving feelings for us. It doesn't work, I know first hand."
Excellent point and well stated. There is something I heard a long time ago that seems to apply. Love wasn't put in your heart to stay. Love isn't love till you give it away.
One final question: How is settling for someone just to have a companion in your life instead of waiting for someone who can and will be a lover to be considered safe? I had one who was friend, wife, lover and love. I will have it again or nothing. Once you have abandoned the control nonsense and had this, you wouldn't trade down either. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 7:58:26 AM | Reply to all who have issues with my "control" statement:
I'm not speaking of physical control, such as "you cant go here,you can't do that", not PHYSICAL CONTROL.
If you have ever loved someone, then you realize that love has control over you, therefore, the owner of that love, does too.
No one chooses to have thier heartsbroken by a lover. That would be crazy. Therefore, where love is, control also exists. You are trusting that person with a part of your heart. So anyone that has been inlove, that has been heartbroken has had their emotions CONTROLLED by another individual or else they would have control to stop the hurt and anger themselves.
How many people in these forums that are angry and hurt, do you really think has control of their emotions?? NONE
It is obvious that love does control ones emotions and sometimes even better judgement.. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 8:07:09 AM | I must say that I am very HUMBLED by the responses on here. Well, the sincere ones that actually have read and followed the posts.
I am glad to see that people do still have faith in finding love. Whereas, in the forums I have been reading, there has been much negativity towards finding love and the opposite sex. It seems to me that some people say they dont want love, but when faced with an alternative, they are offended at the thought.
Still haven't heard from some of the really hurt/angry individuals that normally post. Could be they are not ready/willing to answer this question. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 8:58:45 AM | >> Committing to a life time partner for companionship knowing that this is a person you could never love enough to let them control you or control your emotions.
Ok...a roommate?
>> The idea is to have the same thing with someone who you would be compatiable with, but not be soo "attached" if things were to not work out for some reason.
Ok...living with someone knowing you'll never get married.
>> I ask those people to respond also as to whether they would still commit to a person for the companionship.
Do you need to commit to any of your friends for friendship?
>> Think of your best friend of the opposite sex or same sex if it applies. Although you may never have romantic/loving emotions for them, but you "get along" on all other levels, such as friendship, trust, fun, laughter, conversation. Could it work out. Could you commit to that person for raising a family together, for companionship, and basically everything except love and make it last?
Ok, so not it seems you're saying "can I happily marry someone you don't love?"
Well...most people did that for the last 1000 years...marrying someone for "love" is only a recent invention (and they got married knowing they would have kids because that's the only thing keeping them together...it's why marriage was invented!)
>> I am thinking that this may cut down a little bit on the broken hearts. If you never fell in love with them, and it didn't work, then you may not be as "hurt" otherwish.
If you can find someone who is compatible you can create love....it's 1/10000 to find someone whom you will never fall out of love with and 1/1000000 to find someone who feels the same about you!. | |
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