| |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:09:48 AM | Design: Nice responses. Yes it would basically be a room mate with a long term lease lol
You would have a committed room mate. Committed to agreeable circumstances and values with mutual feelings.
Tell me this is not the truth:
it's 1/10000 to find someone whom you will never fall out of love with and 1/1000000 to find someone who feels the same about you!
Surely, the odds are not that against us. It would explain a lot though. | |
|
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:09:51 AM | OP: This sounds like settling, and that's not an option for me. So, I would opt not to play it "safe". When we love it should not be about "letting them control you or your emotions". This is not love.
I want to feel love, passion and all those wonderful emotions that one has with a life partner. A partnership w/o love is to me "hollow". Nothing there to make it flourish.
 | |
|
| |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:16:34 AM | Sabrosura: It is indeed settling so to speak.
Would you not agree with my statements in post 42 as follows:
Reply to all who have issues with my "control" statement:
I'm not speaking of physical control, such as "you cant go here,you can't do that", not PHYSICAL CONTROL.
If you have ever loved someone, then you realize that love has control over you, therefore, the owner of that love, does too.
No one chooses to have thier heartsbroken by a lover. That would be crazy. Therefore, where love is, control also exists. You are trusting that person with a part of your heart. So anyone that has been inlove, that has been heartbroken has had their emotions CONTROLLED by another individual or else they would have control to stop the hurt and anger themselves.
How many people in these forums that are angry and hurt, do you really think has control of their emotions?? NONE
It is obvious that love does control ones emotions and sometimes even better judgement..
Starry night: This scenerio has nothing to do with deception to one another. Both people fully aware of the agreement and the expections entering into an agreement. Nothing to do with lieing or deceiving one another. So there would be nothing to "Find out". You would already know. | |
|
| |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:24:51 AM | | I'm happy with the friends that I have, and when I feel lonely I call them up and hang out.. I wouldn't settle for comfort over passion and love. I may live out the rest of my years without what I seek... but if I don't find the person that does make my heart race, my hormones burst out of control, and my brain craving and needing more, I'll stick to hanging out with my friends for companionship. The old addage... "I'm not looking for the person I can live with.. I'm looking for the person I can't live without." .. sums it up best for me. | |
|
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:28:26 AM | OP here is a snippit you said > "rather than jumping from one to another"
Some are sooooooo sure of either a REAL two way match or NOTHING - they do what I do. They don't date AT ALL.
And yes some are the exact opposite and keep doing the "try it see how it goes".
After being married most of my life then pOOf. I got myself on a local single's site. I read all the "if you don't date how can you tell" - "try it and see how it goes'.
I did the try it and see how it goes. I did it for about six months. It is absolutely nothing but >>>> casual sex.
It seemed that some (many if you ask me) people are so desperate to get in there "relationship" they have adopted the old ....
A way to a man's heart is thru his weinersnitzel. At first I felt like a sausage with feet.
Then I just got sick and stopped.
I do not jump from one to another. I never have even when I was young. To me the only way to avoid casual sex is it not date at all.
I know I know I could have said NO ......... easier said than done with a naked female two foot from you lol.
So you see ....... I could never do your "settled for fake relationship". While it sounds ok on paper ... it would not be ok at all. I could have 50 of those fake relationships by Monday.
I'll wait ................ | |
|
| |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:53:10 AM | In a perfect world, we would be able to identify the "right" person for us, be in a healthy relationship and have love in its purest form present. However, we go through life at different times in our lives in unhealthy relationships. Therefore, this so called "love" does "control" our judgement, senses and eventually break our hearts.
However, IMHO those fortunate enough to have a healthy/loving relationship do not have a control issue. Maybe I am having a hard time correlating love with the word control. A partnership is a give and take (willing).
I hope I am making some sense here!  | |
|
| |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:58:34 AM | | First off I would say that I think that TRUE Love is Not controlling. It NEVER should be. Our feelings and emotions might be effected by what another might do to us, but if WE are secure enough within Ourselves, then WE can decide to what Degree the "Actions" of another might effect us. That being said, how many of us are really so strong that we are immune from being overcome from the anxious feelings created by Love? But we can "Play it Safe". We can surround ourselves with people,places,and things that we "Like", but never Allow Ourselves to Love. But that might be like always ordering a Hot Fudge Sundae, but telling them to leave the Hot Fudge off., "convincing" yourself that your really enjoying it. Whats the point of being in such an existence? And to even think of raising a Family with someone that we just.."get along with"..is sending a false message to the other Family Members AND to Ourselves. How many Hearts would THAT have the potential to break? LIFE Itself is a Risk. If we are Truly Passionate about Living as Full an Existence as We CAN, then we need to go beyond Just "Like"..and Allow Ourselves to Learn and LOVE. | |
|
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 10:06:16 AM | Hiding your heart is for the lame and injured. What you propose is a zombie type of existance, in order for it to work, you would have to shut off all feelings. God forbid you set such an arrangement, which would require a commitment of sorts on both sides. Then one day, you meet someone who lights you up like a Christmas tree, and what? Because of your non feeling commitment you walk away?
Safety is for cars, the workplace and your health, not your heart.
To feel is to live, and anything less, is an insult to everything man/woman has become through the ages. Sorry not for me, I'd rather be alone, than live in some imagined state of loveless life. Bob | |
|
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 10:10:24 AM |
I can see how your relationship was similar to this, but the difference would be that you were both in "agreement" not pretending/lying to one another. Just being committed to providing a good life to each other and the children. I'm not sure how the children would be more hurt here, than if mommy loved daddy, daddy cheated and crushed mommy and they divorced.
Believe me, we were both in agreement, it was the met at church everyone around us was getting married, we both had children from failed relationships, and what the heck, we seemed to get along fine, and our kids at the time seemed to like each other well enough.
However is just being liked enough? Does that give enough "glue" to want to make love with a person? Is just pretending in front of the kids that this kind of things NOT damaging?
In the scheme of things people want real love, it is some ODD innate drive to feel loved.
You stated to another poster, that under this agreement that there would be so much commitment, that they could bypass someone that really rocked their world... REALLY? Would you, if you knew you could actually really feel that mind blowing love, that was mutual, and not just the lets have sex cause one or the other is horny. WOuld you really want to pass that up?
Would that NOT leave the person who was there for convenience, and security of not being alone unhurt...After all there was just companionship, but now the companion tripped into someone that really loves that... That would still hurt.
Marriages of companionship have been going on for thousands of years. They call them "arranged marriages", perhaps asking someone that has had an arranged marriage how fulfilling that experience has been, would give you a real insight into what you've proposed. Since these people probably aren't on a dating site, you may have to go search them out, to see exactly how things work for them.
 | |
|
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 10:11:54 AM | Ron: I totally respect everything you said. Just one question. If your not dating, what are you waiting for? How are you going to find what your "waiting" for, if you won't date? I think it would be ashame for you not to want to date and allow someone into your life. You seem like an awesome guy.
No way could I be with someone that I didn't love and can not imagine being with someone that didn't love me. If someone you love and loves you can rip your heart out, what could someone do that doesn't love you?
Very good question. I have never been hurt by someone whom I didn't love. I don't feel that person would have the( I won't use the word control) POWER to hurt you.
However, IMHO those fortunate enough to have a healthy/loving relationship do not have a control issue. Maybe I am having a hard time correlating love with the word control. A partnership is a give and take (willing).
Dansk: True.. sundaes without the hotfudge are not nearly as fullfilling.
Totally agree! It is only when we loose or these relationships turn bad that the other person and love have a (I wont' say control) negative affect on us. | |
|
| |
| |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 10:27:10 AM | Committing to a life time partner for companionship knowing that this is a person you could never love enough to let them control you or control your emotions
First of all I dont believe letting someone control you or your emotions is love. Only you should have control over your emotions and yourself.
That being said..........I have been in love and although I am alone I am not lonely. And I certainly would not be with someone just for companionship. Thats what family and friends are for. I dont want or need someone to live with...I want someone I cant live without.
PEACE | |
|
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 10:32:10 AM | Personally, I tend to say No.
Myself, I helped a girl raise two kids. I love them. But, I've been uncommitted, through a few women and to a war. I want something or more so, someone, stable in life. Companionship. I would like to have kids "of my own". I would like to give that to someone. But, such a thing can't be forced. I don't want to be settled for. I have to have a combination of things in a woman to feel attracted, and if it's not there...Then it's not there. If we have different goals in a relationship, then it's not there. Maybe we can get along and provide some companionships, but, maybe thats all.
Don't get me wrong, there has been women over the years, I would approach about such a thing, but, that means I was attracted already. And it doesn't mean it would come out healthy. Settling can be bad karma.
I can see where the arrangement might benefit, like a crisis,ie loss of population. But, if you just faked it? You could be holding someone back from something great. That's not right.
If it's wanting to truly benefit the other, up front and honest, then maybe such a thing can work. If the two DO have some level of attraction.
But kids learn from the example they have. They may settle and become miserable.
People tend to expect allot out of a relationship. Sometimes too much, especially on the womans part. And, women tend to settle. while men feel stuck (I agree with Damon, "But, when the guys get together for a drink or three, it's pretty obvious at the end of the night who's living a lie, one way or the other...") In Western Culture monogamy it's not likely it would float.
I dated a girl a few times that had been in an arranged marriage, for the benefits while she was in Germany. That's a common practice there so Service Personell can live of post. She said they were just friends, got along fine, then she up and slept with him. Everything changed after that. She had been married three times and it was her most brutal divorce.
I was involved with another girl. By her own admission her first two husbands were just friends. They were bitter relationships with men she had no respect for and couldn't say she truly loved them. She married them both in her 20's. She said she learned to love her 2nd husband "as a husband". I found she did not, she was just addicted to the drama of it. Sadly, she was just an emotionally messed up person from these and her childhood.
Both of these women were comfortable, and became miserable. Settling can be bad karma. | |
|
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 10:34:07 AM | WarmBrandie ....... I tried the dating thing at first then - reverted to my true self. The same self I always was - even when I was a kid.
I did “try harder” when I was a kid and between girlfriends - but I still did the same thing.
“How are you going to find what your "waiting" for, if you won't date?”
- if I know up front - it would not be a two way match ........ why date? (best that could be hoped for would be this “settled for relationship")
“what your "waiting" for”
- I am waiting to cross paths with a very high potential two way match.
I am doing the same as I always did (except not trying as hard - looking as hard).
When I was a kid - I looked ..... waited ...... looked ...... waited - kept looking until I saw a girl that I wanted for a girlfriend ....... and I got her.
Yes things are much more difficult these days (this time). My age and the horrible business climate.
While the obstacles in my path are larger this time - the logic is still the same. | |
|
| |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:29:28 PM | With that being said, what would be wrong if 2 people, who both felt the same way, agreed upon such a thing? These people may be able to at least find a BIT of happiness and stability in their lives rather than jumping from one to another, feeling NOTHING. I guess those people are not going to respond to the post.
Ms. Brandy, all I can say to your hypothetical position, is that it very rarely works out that both parties come into that type of relationship with exactly the same attitude. It seems that one or the other falls in love completely, despite the obvious aloofness of the other. I speak from experience on this subject. I am quite a few years older than you, and have had so many disappointments, it became discouraging. I entered an LTR with someone who had been a great friend previously, and we continued that fantastic friendship, adding new life experiences and new favourite past-times that we both enjoyed. I made a great attempt to let love grow, but it was doomed from the start, I'm afraid. I realized way too late that this relationship was one sided. She was planning our retirement in ways that I was not comfortable with, and I was working so hard on making things work, that I let things slide, as in not telling her the truth about my misgivings. I thought seriously that things would all work out in the end.
Today, I believe that I have destroyed any chance that we can continue the friendship. It will take her a very long time to forgive me for finally realizing that committing to a relationship just for the sake of having someone forever, is not a good thing! If we are to commit to something permanent, we better darn well make sure before it gets started. Otherwise, somebody gets hurt in the end.
So, in answer to your first post here, I would say be darned sure that the rules are made clear, and that you discuss fully what each party expects. We can make a good attempt at creating love and maintaining it, but make it clear up front.
JMHO | |
|
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:59:22 PM | "get along" on all other levels, such as friendship, trust, fun, laughter, conversation Is pretty much just that...Friendship. I think we can have a lot of
friends. We keep searching for the ONE to connect with on deeper levels.
Could it work out. Could you commit to that person for raising a family together, for companionship, and basically everything except love and make it last?
This may have already been mentioned as I skimmed the threads; but unless you both make this part of your commitment/vows...this will not generally work. It's called DIVORCE...sadly, the reason many have listed as current status.
LOVE may be different things for different people. Maybe love is companionship for some. Mutual respect with regards to ideas, emotions, romance etc. might be more along the lines for some people. It's all part of the whole process of connecting with one special person. I have friends... | |
|
| It does take two..............
Posted: 9/13/2008 2:17:23 PM | Brandie,
In your original post you talked about Love being something that controls someone?? or Love allowing someone else to control you?? Hmmm I am afraid I don't understand.. to me that is not love..
I can see myself with someone for companionship if I respect and admire the person and enjoy being with them. For me love would grow as a function of respecting, admiring, and enjoying being with a person. In a successful relationship and what I mean by that is a relationship that will last a life time it never starts with "love".. because there can't be love till you know the person and to know and stay with a person you must admire them respect them and enjoy spending time with them. So for me love would grow during the course of the association and love would not only grow but come and go in it's intensity. | |
|
| It does take two..............
Posted: 9/13/2008 3:38:04 PM | | I would never settle. I am very happy being alone so no, I would not be with someone if I didn't love them. What the point? | |
|
Home
login 
