| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/14/2008 1:31:39 PM | This seems like a carefully constructed contrivance simply to avoid being hurt.
None of us are going to get through life without experiencing hurt, sadness or anger. But you can't build up a wall to protect yourself from that without ALSO blocking joy and happiness. The cost of trying to protect oneself from pain will be less joy.
Can we choose to be happy about losing a relationship? Yes, usually mixed in with the sadness over the loss (and whatever other emotions are tossed in there) we can also have happiness. Often, and this is a massive generalization but holds true more often than not, if we really sat down and examined it, it is more the loss of our dreams about the relationship that causes pain... rather than actually losing the specific person.
Love fully... yes, and loving fully IS going to result in pain. No person is perfect... their humanity means they will let us down or hurt us from time to time. As we will with them. A resilient person knows this is temporary... and can often use these moments for personal insight and growth. Loving someone does not mean they are responsible for never hurting us... showing care and concern, yes.
No one can MAKE you something... it was likely already in you and was triggered by their actions. | |
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ants32
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Joined: 9/7/2008
Msg: 102 | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/14/2008 1:56:35 PM |
Goldie: Thank you for your response. I'm curious, were they happy together? It's great to hear that someone has made that situation work till death do us part. It should be easier for those who are madley in love to make it work than it was for them. No I wouldn't do it either, at this point in time in my life. I dont really see it being any different then the show called "The Golden Girls" lol Just an example how friends could provide companionship. In the case I was describing, it would be male/female rather than sames sexes. But none the less, they satisfied each other's needs for companionship. Just not all of them!!
I don't think they were unhappy, just plodding along. I hated the woman anyway quite frankly but that is another story altogether  | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/14/2008 3:01:15 PM | OP, after reading through this entire thread, there seems to be a difference of opinion of what constitutes love, or "being in love". I would contend that there is no single point that defines love, only a gradation of the shades of gray leading to the extreme blackness of obsessive love.
That black area is where one would find the lover trying to "control" a partner... where stalkers and abusers are right at home. Most people maintain some level of control even when they claim they have fallen completely in love, but that control varies from person to person, just as the spot on the "gray" scale where they consider themselves to be in love is different for each person.
As for myself regarding the original question, I believe my tipping point has been moving as I have aged, and is now at a point where I would like to be more than friends, but certainly don't need to be blinded by love. In my mind, I may not have the capability to turn a blind eye to reality in order to get to that lover's place anymore... but who knows what surprises may still be in store for any of us. Hopefully they will be all good ones. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/14/2008 4:29:52 PM | | raraavis41: Thank you for your visiual on the "shades of gray/black". Makes good sense to me. Also thank you for your honesty, I have to say though 56 doesn't seem old enough to me to throw in the hat on love, but I do understand where you are coming from. If you found a companion that improved your lifestyle and you were satisfied with that and happy, then I see no wrong in it. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 108 | |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/14/2008 6:45:16 PM | Warmbrandie,
This is a really thought-provoking question, and I'm glad you posted it. I am catching up after being gone for a few days, and very much appreciate everyone's responses.
Wow -- you know, I might consider "playing it safe", but hear me out...! I sometimes think that I passed up several chances at settling down with a partner. I confess that I do like excitement, and my head has been pretty easily turned in the past by flattery and compliments that turned out to be meaningless. In the process, I suspect I threw away some pretty good possibilities.
On the other hand, I wound up maturing and becoming more aware of the things I do and don't want. I'm just a bit afraid right now that at my age, my chances are obsolete. (Truth be told, I'm very afraid that my chances are gone.) Other thoughts are welcomed, and again I do appreciate you starting this topic. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/14/2008 8:13:23 PM | NEVER, NEVER, NEVER....at ANY age!!! I had once thought that at my age, (50's), my love life was over....(this was before I was familiar with internet dating)...and that was okay. I LIKE my own company. Needless to say, though, I'm thrilled that it isn't over!
I would get into a relationship with no sex, if for some reason he wasn't able, or had no desire and it wasn't PERSONAL, before I would get into a relationship with no love....but still...even without sex, the affection....(cuddling, kissing, loving words, pet names and hand holding)..... would still need to be there. 
There is nothing worse than being lonely while IN a relationship....and besides....LOVE is such a BEAUTIFUL emotion. I'll never settle....even when I'm in my 80's or 90's! 
~DC~ | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/15/2008 7:49:56 AM | There's no way I'd consider spending the rest of my life with someone I don't love completely.
However, I believe I can "completely love" someone without letting them control me or my emotions. The only person who can control me or my behavior, or my emotions, is ME.
Love and control are two different things and have nothing to do with each other. "Control" (of another person) doesn't belong in any kind of relationship. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/15/2008 8:22:56 AM | OP, if there was absolutely no attraction, my answer to your question would be a resounding no, and I suspect that most people who has the power to freely choose will say no as well.
The question becomes a lot muddier when there is *some* attraction involved, and at some point I would change to "may be" and when high enough, I'd say 'most definitely'. The issue then becomes where that tripping point is. For some, it's a 9/10 (9 out of 10) and for others it may be 2/10. Those who are 9/10 will think of those who are 5/10 settling - a dirty word. But then those who are 4/10 may find the 7/10 of the world as picky - also another dreaded word in the dating circle.
So it's easy when it's black and white. But life is rarely a choice of black or white. At some point, we are all going to make a judgment call as to what is worth pursuing and what is not, what is 'playing it safe' and what is being recklessly wishful. Also, age does play a role as well. People's wants and needs do change over time. What was once an unthinkable may be just what one needs at another time. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/15/2008 10:10:09 AM | | I unfortunately did this in my marriage. I had been very hurt several times in my late teens and early twenties and when I met my husband he was "safe" because he could never hurt me because I didn't truly love him. I was attracted to him on paper: good provider, husband, father, yadda yadda. Never ever ever again! Life is way too short to live numb. And there is no such thing for me as you will grow to love each other. You cannot make something there that is not. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/15/2008 10:38:16 AM |
I unfortunately did this in my marriage. I had been very hurt several times in my late teens and early twenties and when I met my husband he was "safe" because he could never hurt me because I didn't truly love him. I was attracted to him on paper: good provider, husband, father, yadda yadda. Never ever ever again! Life is way too short to live numb. And there is no such thing for me as you will grow to love each other. You cannot make something there that is not.
Boy, can I relate! Kudos to you for having the courage to go out on your own again. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/15/2008 11:33:58 AM | Raging heart-on: LOVE the name 
Interesting that some people who have "been there done that" have responded and seems it always failed. This far, there has only been on couple known to have pulled this off. Odds dont seem in favor of it.
I thought of this scenerio one night while laying in bed thinking: "Am I asking too much, Am I too picky, Does true love exist, Am I looking for something unrealistic when it comes to love"? I thought of the major charateristics that I would look for in a man, the most important things and what reason would I have to not go for it, when I found those in someone rven if the chemistry wasn't there. This far, the ones I have "loved" have been the wrong ones. Therefore, my trust, not faith, but trust in love doesn't amount to much along with my trust of my own judgement.
Since I posted this, one of my g/fs has decided to do it. Not due to settleing or giving up on love, but because she had a child with a guy that she wasn't inlove with. Says she never will be inlove with him, but they get along good as friends and she wants to raise her child in a 2 parent home. We'll see if that works out or not. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/15/2008 12:27:34 PM | Brandie, what your suggested is very very very old school. People used to do this ALL the time, thus the Mormons' would have plueral marriages. Mid centuries, the likelyhood of making some long life together wasn't even plausible because of how high the mortality rate was amoungst the poor.
I tried it myself, but these days it is less likely work simply because people live to dang long, and want more out of life then some sense of companionship. I am sure there are people who still do this, and as I had suggested before there are plenty of arranged marriages as well.
It takes a lot of work to decide to be in an only "like" commited relationship, and probably more than those that are trying to do it for love I would imagine... | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:04:24 PM | I think being married is hard enough - I can't imagine trying to share a home w/someone I didn't love just to avoid bein g alone. It takes SO much compromise and work to have a life iwth someone...
It's not worth it to me. If I don't love him, why would I bother? Being alone is'nt so bad. Sure, it's lonely at times. But I think living with someone I didn't love would get lonely too.
If he was my best friend, maybe it would be different, I don't know.
You know, I've done the marriage thing. I've done the babies thing. I'm older now and on my own again. I like living on my own. I just want someone to share my social life and nights with... like a best friend with chemistry and sex and love (not in that order). But still live in my own house and have my own time to myself when needed.
For that, I'm willing to wait for someone who wants the same thing I do. Of course, I don't seem to meet them...But I'm working on that.
It would truly be different if I were 35, unmarried, and had no children. Then I think the tick of my bio clock would make marriage without love a lot more tempting.
Kaylie | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:24:48 PM |
It would truly be different if I were 35, unmarried, and had no children. Then I think the tick of my bio clock would make marriage without love a lot more tempting.
2 of you have made that statement. When asking this question, that thought really didnt cross my mind, but I can see how that could happen, probably more than some would admit too. I had my son at 16 (yes too young), I am 29 and he is 13. So that never even occured to me. I would like to have another someday, if it worked out, but not a necessity. I do somewhat look forward to my time without the responsibility of a young child, but do hope when that happens, I will have already found myself a suitable companion. Maybe I'm fearing the dreadful "empty nest", but different than the typical. My house will be empty, with just me in a few more years. I would like to say that I have no fear of being totally "alone", but I can't honestly say that. I do see the pros to it though!!! Just not how I would want it, if I had the choice.
I just want someone to share my social life and nights with... like a best friend with chemistry and sex and love (not in that order). But still live in my own house and have my own time to myself when needed.
This is close to what I was referring to. Would you see yourself sharing a home, and a future with that "friend"? | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:43:12 PM | I personally wouldn't do this, though I've had opportunities to.
Just couldn't do it to them, or to myself, had to hold out for
"the one I couldn't wait to get home to." Never regretted not
settling for less. But my husband's brother did this, stayed
married to her for 10 years before he finally woke up and
realized that at the end of his life, no one was going to pin
a medal on him for living his life with someone he never loved
in the first place, and that life is to short to be that miserable.
(Of course, he learned that after his brother (my husband) died
suddenly at the age of 45.) So after being married to her for 10
years, and living as roommates/platonic friends and never consummating
their marriage, he finally filed for divorce. | |
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