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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/15/2008 4:28:02 PM | I've never felt I've "settled for someone" and I never would, cuz that's exactly what this sounds like. That's cowardice, not to mention deeply unpleasant. Everyone should develop the maturity and resilience to deal with living without a partner and not deceive people into thinking you care more for them than you actually do just so you can get a human comforter into your life.
I would rather be alone with me, rather than be alone with someone else, that is just not fair to either of you.  | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 6:54:16 AM | | At this point in my life, I think "Why Not?" Yeah, I'd consider it, as long as it was an amicable and exclusive relationship. I've pretty much given up on finding anything "real" , so a sweet gal who could put up with a bald, ugly, miserable old biker/musician and his miserable, ugly old bulldog would be quite welcome at this time! But, as I said, it would have to be as exclusive as "real love", and there would have to be a certain sharing of interests...and maybe some of the bills! | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 7:31:27 AM | Nope not anymore. I dated someone once just because I thought she was a great person. She was more like a good friend than a lover. There was no emotional bond, physical attraction, etc... Left me feeling as if I was missing something. Naturally it didn't work out but I still have the deepest respect for her. None the less...she hates me  We should have just left it as friends. Live and learn  | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 130 | |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 7:49:31 AM | I posted earlier, and couldn't resist returning...! Yep, call me dumb.
I'm bothered lately by a continually nagging thought...of facing reality. It's all very well and good to wait for that connection and I still hope like anything it will happen for me maybe one more time in this life. But, what if it doesn't happen? When is it much more practical and realistic -- not exactly to give up, but to realize that you might be waiting forever for something that isn't going to manifest itself?
I'm serious. I really am feeling that way right now. It seems like nothing truly changes in my own life, and the changes I have attempted to make haven't gone anywhere. Either I am trying too hard, or not trying at all. That's why part of me WOULD consider a lifetime partner in this situation. I am really, really scared (close to terrified) that I have "missed the boat" -- that a connection will never happen again. And, I'm not sure how to get over that fear. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:27:03 AM | Not sure how you'd get over that fear either zeeba... but I'd say that's the thing to work on.
hmm... in a rush right now but... my automatic reaction to this is we can't "get rid of fear" by trying to suppress it or deny it or ignore it. It never goes away... just goes underground and affects who you are being with people. So it clearly gets in your own way with what you would like to have happen. Just another way of saying you get in your own way - because your fears are you, right? ;-)
It is a bit of a paradox but you to integrate fears... go into them. Which is the opposite of what we normally do with fears. Take a very serious look at "what if it doesn't happen?" Delve into to awfulness of it... the loneliness... the "wasteland" of it. Take it on and feel it. Rather than trying to push it away, draw it closer and feel it for a specific time (kind of like a meditation, if that makes sense). The funny thing is... once one does this, because you've "felt" it, it isn't as scary or awful anymore. You kind of come to peace with it... and they get integrated as one possible future rather than this ominous "thing" out there to be feared.
Probably a really bad explanation... maybe I should have waited til I had more time to think better... but I hope this bit helps a lil. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:29:09 AM | Zeeba, that's called settling...and that's giving up. It's a big ole world out there, and a lot of lonely single people in it. There are also a lot of lonely married people. If it was something that came easy, none of us would ever truly appreciate it when we do find it. And even then many people don't.
What are you looking for? Just a man, or true emotional bond between two people that love each other so much they can't live without the other. OK maybe can't live without the other is stretching it a bit. I don't think I've ever really seen that happen, but to feel as if they can't live without the other. That doesn't happen often, I think only twice in my whole life. I've only been married once, and she wasn't one of them. I was miserable for 14 yrs, and so was she. That's why it's so sad when two people do find that, and don't treasure it enough to keep it alive. It's something that's priceless, because truly finding it is almost imposable.
However, I'm not going to just settle. It wouldn't be fair to me or her. Neither of us would ever really be happy. And I'd hate to know the person I was with had just settled, wouldn't you? Your profile says you want a man as comfortable in his own skin as you are in yours. Are you comfortable enough to live alone if that's what the future holds? Personally, I'd rather be alone than to fake it. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:44:01 AM | | A true loving relationship is one of passion, trust, respect and mutual enrichment. Anything else is a lie and will fail after years. The person who plays it safe will basically leave the partner confused, hurt and devastated. Both people suffer, IMO, It's a very selfish thing to do. Love has the greatest reward, but with reward comes risk. Know thy self, be true and love. Don't cheat yourself and your partner with a lie. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 135 | |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 9:01:32 AM | ItsMargo and yajus neverno (which is a great user name, BTW):
Thanks for your thoughts! Actually, I do find myself giving in to this fear more and more.
Part of my fear is simply that I am not currently meeting anyone (period) who is single, available, and might be interested. It's a bit strange; quite literally, it seems that any man who is the least bit interested is also already in a commitment. Of course, one might also argue that that is also the reason they are interested...nothing to lose, and everything to gain, right? 
You are also right -- I did note in my profile that I want to be with someone as comfortable in his own skin as I am in mine. My problem is that my comfort zone ebbs and flows. Sometimes I feel very confident and OK with life as it is. Other times (such as now), I feel like I'm absolutely dreading a long life ahead -- alone and lonely. I've never been married, no kids, and while I have learned some things from failed relationships, I just also feel like I have made one error after another. I have NO idea currently what it would be like even to go out on a casual date, because that's also not happening.
Sorry for the pity post -- it's rather disgusting! But, sometimes the rest of life just looks pretty bleak -- a good sign for me to get out of this feeling sorry for oneself. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 9:26:00 AM | Having recently terminated a long term relationship, where I knew that I loved her, more than she loved me, I felt more alone, then, than I do now. We are in a couples society, and I know now, that I was, as everyone else has been pointing, "just settling".
I think that I was playing it safe, and was afraid to be alone, not knowing where and when that next special person would come from. But, Zeeba, after reading your posts and then your profile, perhaps you have not been successful, because you have not "Asked the universe for what you want". (I just read "The Secret"). You said, "I'm just here for the forums". So, perhaps no one has looked past that and you have in fact, got just what you asked for.
So, OP, I have been in a relationship, where as long as I didn't rock the boat, things were fine, but, when I saw that we were, in essence simply living together, without those "SPARKS", it was better to end it.
Therefore, the final conclusion, at least for me is, I want those special hugs, kisses, those random phone calls, a touch on the cheek, or, a pinch on the butt, which indicates that we both are in it for the long term. So, DON'T SETTLE!  | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 10:43:19 AM | From what I can gather from reading all the responses. It could possibly work for some people. I can't judge and say I think OMG this is wrong, or its ok to do.
I would lean more towards if both parties are willing participants and no lies have been told, then I would think it was 2 adults making a long term decision. Both adults being completely honest for this is not a scenerio of DECEPTION, but an upfront and HONEST agreement. No one is lieing to themselves or each other. I'm not quite to this point YET, but could not say I would NEVER do it. I myself get really lonely. I miss having someone to hold/snuggle me at night. I could see myself have "happy times" with a friend. Now some say "I have friends for companionship", and thats true, but how many of those friends are you gonna share your bed with? How many friends do you have life long committments with? Now for me, in this situation, I would have to of course care for and feel some physical attraction for this person. I have several friends that I think are attractive and I care for, but know that I would never "surrender all" to them or ever fall deeply inlove with them.
Deborah:
What does love have to do with letting someone control you or control your emotions?
Refer to message #42 and several following.
In my experience if you love someone, then you have given that person a piece of your heart if not all of it, and they have the power to do as the please with it. Once given, its not easy for me to take it back.
Ladypagey: I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. Its not a "bad" idea in my eyes to try to keep this from happening again. The catch is, without the lows, there are no highs. Without the hurt, there is no love. In this situation, you would trade those "breath taking moments" for the security of never feeling the pain you feel right now. You have to ask yourself "Is it worth it". Only you can answer that for yourself.
atravelinman:
I want those special hugs, kisses, those random phone calls, a touch on the cheek, or, a pinch on the butt, which indicates that we both are in it for the long term.
I love this statement!!! I want those things too, we all do I believe, but what happens when we get them? I'm sure you have experienced these things at some point since you realize their worth. (Now forgive me if this person passed away and it was not a relationship you or her ended) But if it was ended for some reason other than death, WHY?
See I have done and been the recepient of those special things. In every situation I have seen those exist, they have been onesided relations (other than my grandparents). So I do know they exist. The men who have done these things for me, I have found that I didn't put forth the effort, and the men that I have done these things for, put forth no effort. One is the giver and one is the taker, Maybe opposites do attract. I have been both, the giver and the taker in different relationships.
In a PERFECT world where dreams do come true (maybe they do), all these things would be mutual along with the feelings that bring them about.
Some people had rather be alone than to live this way. If those were my only to choices, to die alone or with a friend. I would choose spending my life with a friend. Some personalities can thrive alone. I'm not one of them. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 138 | |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 10:47:17 AM | Atravelinman,
A good and thoughtful answer, and I appreciate knowing a little more about your own experience! Thanks.
Actually, I should have clarified that my experiences are from real life rather than online. I'm indeed here on POF mainly for the forums because I really do enjoy them, and learn so much from others. Because of geographic limits (mainly, that I live in a fairly isolated area and guys aren't exactly able to overlook that), I would be very surprised if I did meet someone from "here". IRL, it just isn't happening with or without the universe knowing my intentions. Besides, I'm getting older...so who is to say that "connection" is truly out there, anyway? I think it may be there for others, but not for me.
I totally respect those who have read "The Secret". In my instance, though, the universe tends to have a belly laugh. That's partially why I do think -- is it so terrible, really, to be with someone and there is mutual respect, interest in doing things together, etc.? I really like the OP's question and there is a lot to consider. (I'm so out of practice anyway...if someone nice, single, and available did ask me out IRL, I'd probably fall over in total amazement!) | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:47:11 AM | Well I'm Irish, so I tend to answer questions with a question....
What's your motivation for asking this? Are you asking because a friend is considering this, or because you are?
And really, regardless of the answer to that one, I personally don't think a COMMITMENT can last with someone you don't absolutely love...think about it.
You can be roommates, sure. But without love, what happens when that other person is a horrific slob/spends the rent money at the corner bar/prances around the place dressed like Little Red Riding Hood, etc. We're all deeply weird in our own ways, but mostly in our own little worlds called home. What makes a commitment to someone so far beyond casual is the fact that ONLY LOVE lets us overlook the weirdness...or look beyond it to the good. ONLY LOVE makes doing the daily struggle with someone else worth it. If there is no love involved, why bother? What's the motivation? Financial? A second job is easier than tying your life to someone else's. Companionship? Check the Humane Society in your area...now THERE'S some unconditional love for you.
And as for raising a family in that environment...raising CHILDREN to believe that a hollow, platonic existence with another human being is as good as it gets? You would be failing them in the worst of ways. When you have a child your wish for them is to soar, not realize from the gate that they're grounded and the only acceptable behavior is the type in which they're guaranteed not to get hurt.
And by the way, in this loveless arrangement how are these children conceived?
Interesting question, and my answer is...you'd only consider this in earnest if you had lost all hope in the entire human race to surprise you or to offer you love.
Seems like avoidance of everything that makes life worth living. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 11:48:42 AM | Zeeba: You are a beautiful lady and seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Can't imaging you not being able to atleast get a date or 200 lol.
I know exactly where you are coming from. A while back the dredful "S" word (settle) was a very ugly word to me to. I cant help but wondering now, which is worse? Loving someone who is NO GOOD for your (that in a since is settling) or Having someone be a part of your life that is good for you. Either of those are considered settling. Because its less than what we want. Also, some believe, as I read in another post, that love can be manufactured. I dont really agree with that, but some do think that once you begin a "mutual" relationship, the love will eventually follow. I think everyone that I have shared a great deal of time for, I have developed love on a certain level. This is not the same as toe curling, I'M IN LOVE with this person.
I could say, "dont give up yet" and you could find the man of your dreams and be estatic, on the other hand I could say the same and 40 yrs from now your a lonely old women. It's for sure a decision to be made on your own, then no one reaps the rewards or the loneliness but you. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 2:10:01 PM | WarmBrandie:
Because there is no depth...no strength in the 'foundation' of this relationship to 'weather' the storms and challenges, (inevitable in any relationship). No mutual responsibility in nurturing and honoring. Being 'disposable'....easily 'dismissed' once becoming less than "what one signed up for".............
It's painful enough having love for one another to depend on in helping pull two through such challenging times. Even then, the boat can be rocked to the point of capsize. But you had the valuables...the treasures to TRY and salvage....as two hearts invested in one another will often do. I would hope the relationship a stronger and more valued union.....would have a better chance of success.
It's one thing to have mistaken what you believed to be Love in another and/or for another...that in itself is painful enough in consequence.
But to be willingly in a union of mere convenience from the start......disposable all along.......I can't help believe that is exactly what it will be...disposed off at the first sign of a better 'offer' else where. Somebody is gonna be hurt....used....spent...and simply kicked to the side. Next???? | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 2:48:59 PM | mamakat619:
What's your motivation for asking this?
I explained in an earlier post that I was not currently facing this situation, but while laying in bed one night, I wondered to myself If my wants were realistic and the question popped in my mind. I ask to get others views and to see if anyone had experienced it.
I personally don't think a COMMITMENT can last with someone you don't absolutely love...think about it.
According to some folks here, they have known it to work for some people.
what happens when that other person is a horrific slob/spends the rent money at the corner bar/prances around the place dressed like Little Red Riding Hood, etc
I would never consider moving in with a stranger, it would have to be a close friend that I actually knew and cared for and found them somewhat physically attractive.
ONLY LOVE lets us overlook the weirdness...or look beyond it to the good. ONLY LOVE makes doing the daily struggle with someone else worth it
I dont see the daily struggle here. Everyone has responsibilities whether with someone or single, they are either dedicated or not. Same as being dedicated to your job.
Check the Humane Society in your area...now THERE'S some unconditional love for you.
I'm not THAT into animals, I do love dogs, but NOT that much lol j/k.. I'm not having sexual relations with animals.. gotta draw that line somewhere ..
When you have a child your wish for them is to soar, not realize from the gate that they're grounded and the only acceptable behavior is the type in which they're guaranteed not to get hurt.
I dont think this is something that I would share with my children, if I were to choose this route some day. If it happend though. I would think the child would grow up with 2 parents who care for one another, actually get along, are not jealous of each other, and love the children very much. I'm not sure it would look any different to the child, depending on different families though.
And by the way, in this loveless arrangement how are these children conceived?
SEX!! for me I could not live without the physical part. This would be highlighted in said agreement.  | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 145 | |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 4:49:29 PM | Warmbrandie,
Thank you for your good thoughts and words! And may I say, you are far too young to be contemplating a question like this one...but I do understand where you are coming from.
Mine isn't a constant fear, but it does come and go. At its worst, I really do start to think that I won't ever go out on a date again -- or, meet anyone else. It's difficult sometimes to calm oneself down, and say that the fear will pass. And, I also agree with your last post and observations about what would and would NOT work in such an arrangement.
I'm just to the point where I really don't want to let myself go or feel too much again; the hurt when it ends (and it always ends) is getting to be just a bit too difficult to bear once more. And realistically, I have much better odds of other things happening than ever meeting anyone else, anyway! I don't appeal to a large population to begin with...and in getting older, the chances are fewer and fewer. Is it better, then, to accept reality? | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:06:29 PM | Broken Hearts........I always got over em quickly. Perhaps I never really "loved" em?
How many women have broken up with me? 4 or 5 maybe? Maybe 2 or 3 came back down the road, but of course, I hadda cut em off by then. You hafta take chances with love, otherwise you die a pathetically lonely person, sobbing on a jukebox somewhere. Swinging only brings the scurvy. Broken hearts are part of life.
"Yo kid, it aint about how many times ya get knocked down. It's about how many times ya get back up." | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/16/2008 5:18:53 PM | | i have wondered about this sort of relationship as well in the past 5 years. but there is a problem with it. SEX.!!!!!!!! i do know a man, who i wouldnt mind settling down with, the kids adore him, he is a great companion. i can see myself happily settled. and i think i would be faithful as well. ( although my mind will wonder around a bit)trouble is.......he in love with me, and wants love , passion, and sex from me. i just cant stand being in a position where im forced to have sex and where im pestered for it....i tell myself if he were impotent...maybe the relationship will work.... but im also worried in case i meet someone i am attracted to while with him. would i be able to remain faithful for the sake of good companionship.? at the end of the day, i decided i respected and cared for him so much that id hurt him now rather than later, and rejected all contact from him. he deseves so much more than i can give him. he just cant see it right now..........or rather hasnt seen the light in the last 5 years. of all the people i could be attracted to, why on earth could it not be him!!!!! | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/17/2008 4:33:24 PM | I am not a physic but - I did watch a movie about a physic one time. (the chick was good looking)
There will be MILLIONS of these “relationships” form within the next 5-7 years.
It will be a “have to” thing. More so in the USA than in other countries (at this point - it will also trickle to other countries)
Do the math.
The government of the USA is drowning in interest debt - let alone the actual debt.
They have just used close to a trillion worth of TOTALLY WORTHLESS paper to back totally worthless bailouts.
Just do the math.
Less and less money going into the IRS ..... both from companies that have gone belly up - PLUS the jobs gone.
More and more and more debt for the government and less and less income.
Families will be moving in with other family members ............ and ........
Yes .... there will be millions of these relationship forming out of shear need. | |
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