| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/18/2008 10:22:51 PM | OP, I thought about this thread more and the answer that I repeatedly end up with is this: expectation.
It's going to be a bit of a winding road, but here's my thought...
I think the idea of 'playing it safe' (aka 'settling') is a recent phenomenon. When I think back at my parents' and my grandparents' generation, before affordable air travel and certainly before the internet, people had less access to the world at large and life in general was less indulging. As a result, people's expectation were lower. Additionally, societal pressure to pair up and to stay paired up was also stronger. In some cases, love was almost an afterthought and people were more compelled to 'settle' into a loveless marriage than to be a social outcast.
But technology changed all that. In the last 40 or so years, technology has made the world a lot smaller and people nowadays have the opportunity to make contact with nearly an unlimited amount of people, all at the cost of a few mouse clicks. This encourages the I-can-do-better-with-the- next-person-so-I-shouldn't-settle phenomenon. More importantly, technology has made life a lot more enjoyable and pleasurable. This heightens expectation and further reinforces the idea that 'settling' is for the weak at heart. Most of all, consumerism has taught us all to pay great attention to self importance and self indulgence. Just like the L'Oreal slogan would say, "Because I'm Worth It!' What all these have done is to elevate our expectation to such stratospheric level that it begins to border an 'impossible ideal'. And you can't really fault people for having such high standards (aka picky) because once the expectation has risen, it'd be damn near impossible to lower it again.
In less developed countries, marrying for comfort and/or convenience is more prevalent precisely because people's expectation are generally lower. Are they less happy? Not necessarily. Do they last? Most likely some do and some don't. In many ways, they are no different than how it was with our parents' and grandparents' generation. Some probably did and some probably didn't. Those that didn't often stayed silent for various reasons and took it to their graves. Today, people will be more inclined to seek divorce instead.
I've heard this saying before, "Expectation Is Everything". I think that's an excellent way to sum it up. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 153 | |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/19/2008 1:07:50 AM | I'm curious as to how many people would consider this. Committing to a life time partner for companionship knowing that this is a person you could never love enough to let them control you or control your emotions.
The idea is to have the same thing with someone who you would be compatiable with, but not be soo "attached" if things were to not work out for some reason.
commit to a person for the companionship. Think of your best friend of the opposite sex or same sex if it applies. Although you may never have romantic/loving emotions for them, but you "get along" on all other levels, such as friendship, trust, fun, laughter, conversation. Could it work out. Could you commit to that person for raising a family together, for companionship, and basically everything except love and make it last?
Oh umm...reading that made me think to myself...who do I know that specifically fits that criteria?
The first person who came to mind was...my ex hubby.
My answer is N - OH 
That's exactly why I divorced him 5 yrs after we separated...
...that and he got a girlfriend and lied to her that he was divorced so I freaked out and filed the papers incase she broke it off with him for lying.
Phew! close call. *hehe*
Anywhoooo....No chance in hell Id electively put myself in that position with anybody else either.
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drac72
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Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 154 | |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/19/2008 10:41:56 PM | warmbrandie...A resounding NO on my end. I've been with women who were "perfect"
in that they were faithful, trustworthy, a best friend, all that. But the kissing was awkward and sex usually became something of a burden, and I'm not speaking of women who were unattractive on some physical level. I wonder how many people "settle" and how many really are in love. We live in a practical world. My mom remarried because her and her husband (in the 80's) were like minded...they both realized that their combined income would net a really good material lifestyle. I never saw them hug or kiss, in 30 years...not once. On trips, they slept in separate beds. But now they are happi;ly retired millionares, They make great tennis partners, and romance was never really in the equation for them. I could never do that. If the spark isn't there, you're living a lie on some level I think. | |
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drac72
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Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 156 | |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:38:12 PM | | damon0028...right on brother. I live alone, and have for a long time. I work insane hours (I'm a salaried employee..go figure) and I have my sons. I've learned that coming home alone sometimes is ok. I teach music on the side, and I write music and I have many activities in my life. there aren't enough hours frankly, in my day to achieve all I really want to achieve. TO me, being with someone just so I had a body to hold at night would be ridiculous. I've done it in the past, and so many people seem to do it every day. That would be suicide for me. Most women I've met never really understood my creative side to begin with. I've competed on the stateside level with classcial guitar...most women I've met would rather have me in front of the tube every night watching 6 hours of friends than hacking away at the guitar...so I will never compromise. I figure if I;m not in love with her, I'll just find reasons to stay away...which isn't fair to anyone...and that's how people cheat I think..jumping in and playing house without any foresight. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/20/2008 12:35:00 PM | lol - never! why settle, I would much rather have the love of my life ~~ sweetie 'op' you are in your late 20's - don't settle - your youth disappears too fast .... you will find yourself 40 and miserable if you don't have the love. I was married for 20 + years - have 2 wonderful children. I believe we both "played it safe" as you refer to it, and now for the last 4 years - living my life how I choose. . . . and the love doesn't have to be a man - love yourself and find what you love in life! Get out there.
I love living alone. I travel almost every other week on business - and squeeze in the sites and pleasure... I would never settle again in my life. Loveless relationships do not work.
BTW - I did have the love of my life before my marriage - and we still communicate ~~ just live in two different worlds. But we can't undo what transpired 20 years ago...
Life is short - live it as if there is no tomorrow ~
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/20/2008 8:47:11 PM | Wow, It really warms my heart to hear most everyone say that they haven't given up on love. In so many forums, the men bash the woman/the women bash the men. When it comes down to it though, I believe most just want to be loved. Not all, but most do. I agree, right now there is no way I would settle for less than love. If I wanted to I could, but for now, I'm waiting on Mr. Right (for me). Now I cant say that years down the rd if I'm alone, that I would never consider it. For now though, I will date and have fun and hope he rescues me from the creeps lol | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/20/2008 9:52:13 PM |
Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Absolutely not! no, no, no! I have no problem filling my days with friends, work, hobbies. These things I enjoy. I am looking for someone who will complement my life and I his, where there's an emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual connection. Being in a relationship with someone you don't connect with is a chore and it breeds resentment. It will not end well for either party. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/21/2008 6:14:52 AM | NO, I would NOT play it safe and commit to someone for companionship if I didn't love them.
And, I definitely don't feel that love is about you loving them enough to let them control you or control your emotions.
If I love someone its because I choose to love them and have control over my emotions. I'm not a puppet ,and neither are they, who should be manipulated or controlled in any relationship. | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/21/2008 6:27:24 AM | No way I would never settle.
I have had men in my life do that. They just end up forgetting about you because you are just there, you are not important in their life. I know I would never do it but it is hard to recognize if some one else is doing it to you. Especially if you really love them. You know Love is blind, deaf, dumb and stupid. We tend to make excuses for the ones we really want to Love us.
Taking it slow is so important.
I would rather keep trying. The reward of finding that one person that fits is too great. I have seen it in couples and I am willing to wait.
~Charmed~ | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/22/2008 11:58:40 AM | Hmmmm thats a tough question.....in all I've read it says love is a choice....a love that is going to sustain itself is about compassion, understanding, COMMITMENT, forgiveness and allowing you to be yourself........this is why I dislike the "dating".......many just expect these instance sparks that ignite like a match to gasoline.........
and I have experience both the passion and the one that I considered just a friend.....the passionate one burned out very quickly only because she was unable to forgive.....(and no I didn't cheat).....I really don't care how much passion you have with someone but if they cannot love you for who you are and mistakes you may make whats the point? We are to a great degree very unforgiving creatures..........
and as for the friend.....we thought alike had much in common but I just didn't love her.....so I guess like many here we will enter our twilight years alone....
But there is always hope......or maybe something inbetween.....like charmed said...love is blind, stupid, dumb and very much irrational....LOL | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:01:29 PM | How do you know you could never love someone? I think we get so caught up with that instant attraction that we mistake that for love. For me love is something that comes with familiarity and knowing and respecting someone. Marrying someone is always like a contract between two people, and I don't think I would rule out the idea of marrying someone you like or who has traits that you want in your life and coming to love that person. Maybe that marriage would be happier and more successful than all those who marry for "love" only to find shortly thereafter that they are incompatible. Maybe compatibility is supposed to come first and develop into something else.
Nutt | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 167 | |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:51:40 PM | And I have to admit it: I'm still on the fence with this question.
I have spent a lifetime "not settling"...but bottom line? I"m still alone. I go back to the OP's original posting. I despise and detest men and women who do indeed marry only for financial security, or for a way of climbing up the proverbial social ladder.
But, I gotta be honest here. I'm in such a proverbial "dry spell" at the moment that I can't help wondering if it would be so bad to have a lifetime partner to share experiences. Having someone to chat with at the end of the day; traveling and exploring different places; going to sleep with each other at night -- I hate to admit it, but I could do all that with caring and respect without the "love" factor. Indeed, I had a couple of these chances over the years and I turned them down. I now wonder if I made a mistake.
But again, I must note that I have not ever been married...so I might be romanticizing things just a bit. All I know is that I've had 46 years of being alone. | |
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Pers14
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Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 168 | |
| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:58:07 PM | Sing along with me guys! "I want you...I need you...but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you. But don't feel sad, cause two out of three ain't bad..."
Somedays, I think that song is right on the money - my ex ripped my heart out, why ever risk that hurt again? But, love is indeed a beautiful thing - and I may be losing out by putting a shield around myself. So, I've decided to try and be smarter about to whom I open my heart to. It may be cold, but I'm leery about getting my ol' heart stomped on a bit. Good luck to all! | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/22/2008 5:28:27 PM | No...love is what a mixture of infactuation, lust, chemistry, hope , faith and then there is unconditional love you give to your family and children considering you do love them haha .....
some of my favorite quotes
"To love someone is nothing. To be loved by someone is something. To love and be loved by someone is everything."
"Men who do not forgive women their little faults will never enjoy their great virtues."
and vice versa
I couldnt imagine settling for someone you dont love..would you turn bitter and resentful towards the S.O..think about it | |
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| Playing it SAFE.. Would you consider having a life time partner that you knew you could never love.
Posted: 9/22/2008 6:44:13 PM | Been there, done that. Never again.
I was in a relationship for several years with someone I liked, was reasonably attracted to, and reasonably compatible with. At the time, I thought that love would grow as the relationship developed. And while it did to a degree, it wasn't near enough to keep the relationship alive. Especially not when I met someone as a friend who unexpectedly, totally and completely "rocked my world" as someone else put it. And while my friend was off limits for several reasons, that didn't do anything to blunt what I felt.
Having experienced that, I no longer believe it would be fair to myself or someone else to settle for anything less than that. | |
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In a word ( NO ) simply because NO RELATIONSHIP AT ALL, is far better than a Bad relationship... 
I have been alone for 30 years and I am most likely incompatible with anyone, yet I am here and willing to try... 
