| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:40:16 PM | | There is nothing to roar in laughter about people playing games with your heads. There is humor in a bad date and we can all laugh about that. But when you talk about an experience that spans more than a bad date there really is not much humor to milk out of it. Plus the point many are missing is in talking ot me thay ASK about my bad experiences, not about bad dates that were funny. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 2:53:24 PM | Plus the point many are missing is in talking ot me thay ASK about my bad experiences, not about bad dates that were funny.
Maybe you need to be more specific about what they're asking and what you're telling them. From what I gather, it sounds like casual acquaintances are asking you something like, "Tell me some of your bad relationship experiences." I really don't know why somebody you barely know is asking you that but perhaps you should consider that maybe they want to hear "ha ha" bad and not "the b!tch threw acid in my face and stole my truck" bad. You get to pick which stories to tell and when to reveal them and if you choose to open with a downer that's probably how you'll be perceived. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 3:00:25 PM | You make an interesting point. But, if something so drastic had happened, like the **** throwin acid in my face as you say lol. Telling someone something that DID occur is making you a negative person? It's the act that was negative, not the person telling it. You're telling a story, about a negative event or a negative person.  | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 3:02:09 PM |
. We can't have rose colored glasses to cover up everything. Yes, positive thinking is a must, and I have positive outlooks, but when you ask me about my experiences I will tell you just that, the honest truth about them.
And good for you as many won't like what you say but being honest with yourself and others is foremost. My hat off to you.
And your environment is not shaded with rose color glasses. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 3:03:03 PM | | I consider myself to be a realistic optimist, which is sometimes seen as being a negative person. I was talking to someone online yesterday and we were talking about meeting people in person who we had talked with online. I made the comment that some men had liked me and some had not, and I felt the same about the men that I had met. He then asked me if I was a biatch and said maybe if I grew up and did not have a chip on my shoulder that I might meet and attract men. I found his comments rude and judgmental, especially since this man knows nothing about me or my dating life except the comment that I had made, which I did not see as negative or immature..... so, yes some people prefer to look at the world as if everyone is wonderful and we see everyone we meet as a romantic partner? I thought we dated to see who we clicked with and who we don't click with... | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 3:31:37 PM | OK drewrox, after reading more of your posts I will agree with you that telling the facts themselves, especially when asked for, do not make you a negative person and for someone to think that you are, based on just your experiences, is not fair.
But if people are saying you are and it's happening a lot, there must be something in your delivery that's putting them off.
Maybe we do need some examples to get a clearer picture of what you mean exactly. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 3:33:38 PM | If someone thinks you have managed to get to a certain age without some negative or bad things happening in your life I would question if they have really dealt with their negatives.
Good Lord Ive had more death and negativity then most. But then I'm older than most.lol
I dealt with it and its in the past......that doesnt mean it didnt happen or I totally forgot about it. The negatives actually are what made me positive. As the saying goes....what doesnt kill you gives you strength.
The one thing I dont discuss when first meeting is past relationships. It none of their business.
But, when someone askes about children I tell them I had a son that was killed at 16. It's part of my life and to negate his existance would be a lie. If they want to discuss it fine. If my telling them makes me sound negative then they wouldnt be the right person for me now would they? I am not responsible for someone else's comfort level.
PEACE
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 3:54:16 PM |  I say exactly what I think, some like it some don't, there is very much anger and distrust going round,as far as Dating is concerned... 
 I try not to think about it much,as it is not an active part of my life...
I too have been to POF meets ups and I did not fit in, So what dose that tell you??? 
 American Society is so compleat that men and women NO LONGER HAVE ANY NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP, so we go on-line and quible over our differences...  | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 4:08:28 PM | OP, since you haven't disclosed what sort of experiences you're revealing or how you're discussing them, let's take a look at something pretty moon said:
But, when someone askes about children I tell them I had a son that was killed at 16.
Her situation is one in which she has little choice but to make this tragic revelation pretty early on. But her approach to it could make all the difference. She could dwell on the circumstances of his death and talk about how she can't even get out of bed most days because the pain is so hard or she can smile and spend a few moments talking about what a great kid he was. The first approach screams "baggage" while the second suggests a well-adjusted woman who has been dealt a tough blow but still manages to live life with an upbeat attitude. Focusing on the positive doesn't equate to sugarcoating.
Again, you haven't stated if your experiences necessarily have to be revealed early on like hers does. If they don't, just avoid the heavy stories at first. People generally prefer to keep things light when getting to know each other. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 4:27:01 PM | | aloooohaha is giving you some good advice and is explaining the basic dilemma of handling things the way you are choosing to from what you say. If you want to tone things down and see the benefits of that, I'd suggest you reread what she posted. I'm no fan of sugar-coating things either, but I do understand the benefits of keeping certain things to myself until the right time to discuss them arrives. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 4:37:46 PM | The question that gets asked a lot is what are your experiences with POF. And my answer typically is that it is a circus. That statement covers both the nutyt game playing ging on, as well as being humorous enough to say 'circus'. And then they want to know more and ask why I say circus and I explain in simple terms. But it seems a lot want more details, as to what did these women do that makes me say they played games. And I gave a couple of examples, one woman who I saw over a period of 2 months and about a dozen times, where the chemistry 'seemed' to be there as we were having a blast, laughing, flirting, even the intimacy was good. Then suddenly she went ice cold. Find out a bit later she 's seeing another guy. Or another one I met that we hit it off greatly, in fact I was getting bombarded by messages from her about how much she adored me and blah blah blah. All nice. Unril she says the deal breaker is me not being able to be free Saturday afternoons cause I work Saturdays. SO I humoursly made a comment (in my discussion) about playing pool on Saturdays being her primary goal LOL Or even another one that really liked me and became irate that I would not make more time for her because I had my son. She actually felt i should show more devotion to her by not spending time with my son but with her. So I joked about her being a real catch. LOL
So sorry for that winded explanation, you asked LOL NO where in our discussion did I show signs of anger. I told it all as an it being amusing to me. Of course after I wrote back asking her what she found negative about me, she wrote back saying she wanted a more positive perosn, and not to contact her again.
So I guess having to work for a living instead of playing pool makes me a negative person. And I guess choosing to be a good father to my son instead of spending more time with that other one makes me negative.
Back to presentation. Some choose to be themselves and honest and truthful. Soem choose to put up a presentation to impress others. I don't feel I have to present myself in a certain way to win others approval. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 4:38:22 PM | Cmonster msg 3: Excellent, excellent post!
To the OP, I'd say that if so many people are telling you that you are too negative, than I'm sorry to say that they may be right...Yes you should be honest. But there is tact and class and then there is 'negative and rude"....If I hear a guy say "Yes, I've found nothing but rude, liars and manipulators on POF" than yeah, we wouldn't go on a one/another date...
You didn't give us an example of what you say past telling the "truth", so we can't really tell you what we think based on that. (sorry didn't see your example until I posted this) But I perosnally don't want to hear some man tell me his ex wife was a "lying, cheating ,whore" and I don't care how truthful that statement may be. We should not be dumping so much information on a new person, so for the first many dates it's totally acceptable to say "You know, I have not had a lot of great success here meeting quality people, but I'm sure they are out there" is both truthfull and positive and should be more than enough for the first few dates.....
and for the women who insist on hearing 'bad things' than they sound more like gossipers than people who really want an "adult opinion"...In those cases just say "well, the past dates don't matter, I'm having a nice time now"...anyone who wants to push you further, is immature... | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 4:55:13 PM | I've seen some of your posts, and trust me, after seeing some of your beliefs...I agree...you're not realistic and positive...you're negative! You ascribe to following books that are seriously lacking in the reality realm, and you believe in what they attempt to teach you about women! That's your problem right there. Women are picking up on your hatred for them, sadly. Lose the baggage and you won't have a problem with women who think you're negative. Then, they will stop running from you!  | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 4:55:59 PM | Actually...
Has it occurred to you that the women you mentioned... the one's you related these stories to, I mean... recognized themselves in these stories and simply made their excuses to bolt?
Maybe they decided that having been through the same shenanigans that they would likely inflict on you themselves... they preemptively bailed and on their way out, made sure to twist a knife at least a little? | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 4:57:49 PM |
But what I have been told several times after sharing my experiences is that "we'd not be a good match" cause I am negative. LOL So let me see. I should be dishonest and lie about my expereinces in order to portray myself as Mr Sunshine. LOL Not that it's been doom and gloom, but lets face it, we all have had bad experiences. And as for the POF parties, while some may find them fun and a blast, I have seen and heard that they basically have a hge meat market feel. Thats just sharing info that others are telling me. People have agreed with me on that. We just have to realize this is the world we live in. We can't have rose colored glasses to cover up everything. Yes, positive thinking is a must, and I have positive outlooks, but when you ask me about my experiences I will tell you just that, the honest truth about them. After all, if you didn't ask me then I would bring it up. Right?
Its all subjective..... Of course, if your honest, women dont want to hear it. You're not broken, so they cant fix you. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 5:14:22 PM |
Has it occurred to you that the women you mentioned... the one's you related these stories to, I mean... recognized themselves in these stories and simply made their excuses to bolt?
Maybe they decided that having been through the same shenanigans that they would likely inflict on you themselves... they preemptively bailed and on their way out, made sure to twist a knife at least a little?
She shoots..............she SCORESSSSSSSS!!!!
BRAVO!!!!
I'm finding a little irony in this post considering my new profile headline.
OP....listen. I wouldn't worry about what you tell people. A person who recognizes what you are saying will, most likely, respond back with some horror stories of their own. And if you're at least as good a listener and empathizer in their dilemna, that sometimes actually creates a 'commonality' to at least START something to go by. Obviously, it's not great to dwell on the negative when getting to know a new person. But if anybody in here can say they HAVEN'T shared horror stories from their past with a new person who'd just come along, they're flat out LYING...... So I say, if they were that anxious to exit stage left........you probably did what the above poster stated and hit them right where they live.
I'm a real positive person in my daily life. But due to my old profession, and the dynamics of people involved, and the years and years of studying everybody around me, I have taken the absurd so much to the enth degree in my discussions or writings with people that, unless they know me like my friends do, would assume me to be the most negative person around. And it's always funny to laugh at them.....particularly in here. People HATE to be figured out. Particularly women......(I MIGHT be being absurd in this statement....)
Keep playing that Flying V dude.....I already know that some of your perspective comes from that of being a 'musician'........and to most people....we're weirdos anyway.....nothing like keeping up a good image..... | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 5:16:48 PM | "Didn't someone say not to nitpick the small things? ...whats wrong with black? I don't judge people by what color clothes they wear. ... the t-shirt is a perfect example. I'm being silly and funny there. I'm laughing at it all, yet I'm the one who's negative."
Ok, so its perfectly alright to wear black all the time. I hear it is de rigueur in New York. Maybe you are testing people to see if they "get" you and your sense of humor.
But for some people who are seeing your profile; if you are "laughing at it all" then maybe you would be laughing or smiling in the picture. You can put a caption on the picture to add to the humor.
I am trying to be helpful, not critical. If you are sensitve about criticism, then you might get hurt by at least some of these replies here. But if you are asking advice on this and you really want to know why people think you are negative, then you might expect some answers that address how you appear to others. On the internet, people can't hear your inflections, or your tone. So if you are being sarcastic, it might come off as negative.
As for nitpicking the small things, well, we really don't know the large things about you--the big picture. People only have your profile and these posts to use to respond to your question. You are right; if someone were to choose not to date you based on that information alone, you probably don't want to date them anyway. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 5:34:11 PM | "And then they want a lot want more details, as to what did these women do that makes me say they played games."
Ok, this stands out for me. I think that the only reason someone would want all these details is so that they can compare them with their own dating style. Everyone has a different definition of what "playing games" is.
* Laughing, flirting, then going cold because someone else got her attention.
* Saying she adores you, but wants someone mainly for Saturdays.
* Someone who says they really like you, but needs you to spend more time with her over seeing your son.
These are all related to lifestyle issues, not negativity.
You have less time for dating than the people who are flirting with you would like.
So, in my opinion, the "negativity" is the fact that you are saying "No" to more time with them. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 5:51:02 PM | So sorry for that winded explanation, you asked LOL NO where in our discussion did I show signs of anger.
That explanation helped me understand the situation much better. Honestly, I was somewhat exhausted at the end of reading it, in part because it was one negative experience after another and in part because each one reads as "she did this," "she did that."
It's been my experience that when there are problems in a relationship usually there's a certain amount of culpability on both sides and I don't entirely trust a person who never seems to admit to his own. For instance, with the kid issue. After hearing that, a part of me wondered if you weren't making enough time for the woman. That would be a concern for me whether a guy has a kid or not. I also wondered what was left out with the woman who started dating another guy. Were there other problems? Did you guys ever discuss being "exclusive"? Stuff like that crosses a person's mind if you don't volunteer the full story.
But let's say, for the sake of discussion, that you were perfect and these were merely flawed women. The fact remains that they were all negative experiences for you and none of them need to be shared. I think it's natural for people to inquire what other people's online dating experiences have been but they don't necessarily want to hear a list of "women bad, me good" stories- save those for when you've known each other awhile. The next time someone asks what your POF experiences have been, just laugh and say, "Well, I'm still looking aren't I?" and guide the conversation to a matter for which you've had good experiences, which in turn will project a more positive image.
EDIT: I neglected to comment on this statement...
Back to presentation. Some choose to be themselves and honest and truthful. Soem choose to put up a presentation to impress others. I don't feel I have to present myself in a certain way to win others approval.
There's a big difference between putting on a charade and choosing which parts of your personality to showcase and when. If you have a serious side and a sad side and a fun-loving side, you can bring just the fun-loving side to a date and still be true to yourself. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 6:19:30 PM | Honestly, what do you realy expect to get out of sharing "what has been done to you" especially if it was in fact something negative?? Do inherent details really have to be explained? Why not just say you have had a couple of not so good experiances?
Is it sympathy you are after? Does the next women who comes along owe you something since the last treated you poorly?
Put yourself in their shoes. You have about ten guys messaging you and emailing you and they all are dying for a date.
Would you pick the one that rehashes bad experiances from prior engagements?
Why does everyone need to know everything?
It is not a matter of sugarcoating. It is a matter of spilling the beans over and over again. so what. boo hoo. poor me!
Who wants to hear that? | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 6:25:30 PM |
Has it occurred to you that the women you mentioned... the one's you related these stories to, I mean... recognized themselves in these stories and simply made their excuses to bolt?
Maybe they decided that having been through the same shenanigans that they would likely inflict on you themselves... they preemptively bailed and on their way out, made sure to twist a knife at least a little?
That's what I was thinking. The women may be mildly curious of a guy's past experiences but she's immensely intrigued by how he reacts to those experiences. If he can get past an unsuccessful date with just a shrug rather than holding ill feelings, she may feel better pursuing something even if it doesn't work out; otherwise they bail. Better get out quickly than become the topic of conversation with the next woman who asks him the same question. It's much like a derivative of the dreaded "So why are you single" question. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 8:23:45 PM | For those that say these women ask the questions to see how the guy reacted to it, it brings one thing to mind. They want to see how much of a pushover you are becuase they are only willing to date spineless guys who will cater to their every whim.
The women I mentioned go back to last year, so they did the bolting a long time ago, and NOT because they read this post.
Also quite funny how most of you still place us guys as the ones that need to do the chasing, and that we are at the mercy of women. Anyone who has heard of Marc Rudov should go by his website and read what he has to say, especially the guys. facts like there are there are way more many single women out there than men.
Also interesting is that anyway posting a legit question is automatically lumped into the can't get a date category | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 8:42:02 PM |
"They want to see how much of a pushover you are becuase they are only willing to date spineless guys who will cater to their every whim. ... anyway posting a legit question is automatically lumped into the can't get a date category "
----now that is negative. | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 9:02:09 PM | I went to Marc Rudov's site. Here's a comment from a reader:
"marriage has become a rigged game against men, sort of like Russian Roulette, but with 3 loaded cylinders."
He may have good advice on the need for better communication and honesty, but his article on "The Estrogen Express" is hard to read--as a woman. If someone were to be on a date with me and said some of these things, I would get an impression that he was bitter about women in general.
There are some women here who don't want marriage either, perhaps you need to put that right in your profile so you don't get anyone's expectations up.
This might get deleted, but here is another quote from his site:
"Feminism ... has evolved into a militant, totalitarian train of entitlement, misandry, superiority, and privilege. To maintain the façade of pursuing equality, the National Organization for Women, self-designated voice for the “slighted” gender, presents a neverending, monolithic image of female victimhood. To achieve this monotony, NOW mandates that its badge-wearing acolytes talk, think, and act according to the the NOW playbook. I’m sure that Mussolini is smiling, wherever he is." | |
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| If your honest you can't be positive?
Posted: 9/14/2008 9:17:07 PM | Now wait a minute, because I speak with a backbone and what i say doesn't fit your agenda it makes it negative? It's negative to your agenda but it's the truth.
And as for Marc rudov, he does goes off the deep end sometimes with a bit of overkill but just about everything he talks about is also true. | |
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