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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 9/19/2008 12:55:08 AM | | Spoken for...Amen. I've told her very clearly since this post, and with help of all your advice really...that my intial reaction by asking them to leave was way wrong, and I apologized...I did state that howver I was growing uncomfortable, as were my sons, and that I was getting resentful of the issue of different parenting styles thrown together. I told her that I hd alot on my own plate as far as being a good dad with my own, and that without blame, I simply could not adapt to one more lifestyle at this point. I told her that she has to take control back as a mom, for her own sake. I feel so bad..here is a good loving woman who has a weakness in a very parmount area...rising kids with sensible discipline. I told her that I would only grow more impatient with all of it, and so it was best for me to remove myself. My sons agree, and for their age, that says alot..we talk bout everything, and I know what they feel and say. Oh well., I hope someone forgives me for leaving this one behind. | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 9/19/2008 1:04:28 AM | | notgonnatellu..thanks! It seems as though a few here have suggested that it is I who is ducking out..and I've considered that in depth. HEre is what I've considered...Perhaps it was fate that brought us together..as though I'd fill some void in her, and she in me, and love would prevail and win and solve. Yes, I believe people are often fated together to fill each other...make up a more unified personality and deeper love...then I realize that my own sons are asking me to ask them not to come over when they're there. and I feel the same way...and her only response to my talking to her about this was "I can be harder on them if you want me to be" showed me that we were miles away from comminication, and that likely, only frustration will result. I have commited to being her friend alwys, and helping in any way I can. | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 9/19/2008 1:17:36 AM | | Tough Rocks...I liked what you had to say..but one has to also project a future based on the circumstances that will mold that future...I believe in a love component and an element that when people defeat odds together that love is proven true, but also human behaviour says that the road gets rocky with this one. However I've left it open to her to talk with me...I've been very candid with her about my feelings, I want her to speak up, which she will not do. but I a m all for a solution if there is one...I really am. I don;t think running is a solution, and it's not about running...she knows my home is open under circumstances that certain issues are addressed, and if there is a solution, we find it together and agree on it, and that it is sound for all of the children. I just don;t see that formulating. | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 9/19/2008 5:43:30 AM | When I divorced, my sons were 7 and 9....I stayed single until they were grown (12 years). You don't have to give up your dating life just because you have kids. Involving the kids in your dating life is a different story. Even my kids now at their age of 20 and 22...and his 25 and 9 (primary residence is with mother), there is a lot of considering their thoughts and schedules. Many of the experts and I agree says it takes at least a year to even start to not see chaos when trying to blend a family. There should be all the problems you described...the difference between a family that is still together later is how they work through the problems. Since we waited until our kids were grown we had a year and a half to live alone and to really work on our relationship first. We were very lucky to have this time to ourselves. Recently, we moved back to my house and live with my youngest son. It is working out perfect. They know that we are going to be together for a long time and everyone found their new pecking order in the new family unit. Where there are kids involved...the situation needs to be perfect...or you should keep separate residences until they are grown. If in a normal boy-girl relationship it takes a long time to form a good relationship.....double that by every child added to the scenario. So, with that many kids still living at home....I would wait years before you blend the families in one house. Gives everyone time to work through their problems.
So, if you really love someone....keep separate houses until you really are ready to marry and take time for yourselves without the kids. When the kids see your relationship is great, they will want to encourage it...but it might take years. | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 9/19/2008 6:13:46 AM | Drac.. you seemed to have grasped a better understanding of this situation.. it's great to see that you care enough to make any effort to find some sort of solution. If she isn't willing to change her child's behaviour than you have done all that you can do.
The ball is in her court. She's the one losing out not only on a healthier relationship with her child but a companionship as well.
You are a level headed, loving, compassionate man.. you will have no problem finding the Mrs Brady you seek! :)  | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 9/19/2008 10:27:15 PM | | Thanks everyone...this has been very interesting reading all of the feedback! Believe me, I had no clue what to do, but this post helped tremendously. It likey re-affirmed what I already knew as far as what to do, but also gave me some great insight in to the issues. And I know that if I didn't care, I'd just have walked and not thought again about it. So keep writing guys! Everyone has had some very good points to make! | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:29:49 PM | | Honey_bee...yes, I've told her I'm on POF and that I use the forums extensively. I would not say anything on here that isn't my honest feelings, and I would not be moved if she read this...in fact I hope she does. How do you tell a mom that because of her child's behaviour, and the manner in which it affects me and my own, we can't be together. That has to be a hard pill for her. I told her she should instinctively hate me for saying that her, right or wrong. but her response solidified it for me..."I'll be harder on her if you want me to be" SHe needs someone, likely a neutral person, whoever that is, to guide her in her parenting. It's not that she's a bad mom...she wants all the right things, and I praise her for her selflessness, because her whole world is her children. I'm very much the same, only I know that I expect certain respect from my sons, and I give them my time and my financial obligations to the fullest...there is a difference there, and they are well behaved and well mannered, and it's real. Everything I've said here I've said to her, and It was difficult for me to be brutally honest with her, but I owe her that. | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 9/20/2008 3:07:46 AM | | Most of HER problems and not being able to take an upper hand with her daughter is GUILT. Anyone who has been through a divorce and had to put their children through it do feel guilty. But she needs to be told and realize that she isn't doing herself nor her daughter any favors. Tough love, being a parent and having rules and guidance will gain her respect and love from her daughter. I took care of other people's children in my home for years (in home child care) I was very strict and had a lot of rules to keep order in the house. All of the children I took care of loved me. And even years later their parents would call me and tell me how much their child still talked about going to my house and loving it. I was strict with my own sons and they grew up to be very productive young men. Neither of them got into trouble. And they don't HATE me for it. Really, they don't!!! I am not saying I am the perfect parent but when you put your foot down and show the child who the parent is it makes life so much easier. This woman's daughter is going to be a raging "*itch" whether her mother bends over backwards or takes an upper hand. Why not just be the parent, put the daughter in her place and everyone can learn and grow. What she is going to realize over and over, is that no man will tolerate her parenting for long. She will date but her relationships will go by the wayside because of her daughter. Her daughter is unhappy for whatever reason and she is bringing the mother down with her and the mother is allowing her to. They need some family counseling... | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:58:12 PM | oceangirlnla...you said it all. I felt horrible leaving the mother of my sons, and I cried alot out of guilt. It's tempting for a parent in that situation to try to over compensate in various fashions...I did it...gave in alot. But I always knew that without some structure from day one, they would be lost, and it would be my doing. I dragged them to church, I made them sit at the supper table (when the tv went OFF) and very basic fundamentals. I second guessed myself a million times a day. BUt I knew I owed them that. In turn, I was on the floor with them playing with the hotwheels cars, and I sat and listened to them when they had something to say. Far from a perfect dad, but one who tries every day to instill a foundation. I have no discipline issues with them. Their mother was of the same mind, and I'm grateful for that. Many have said to me..."
"this is where you belong..this woman needs someone strong in her life now for all of these issues" perhaps.Sounds like a Hollywood script to me...maybe Robin Williams.
Good guy steps in and saves cute mom and her kids, becomes the hero. And if that were a realistic outcome, I'd be there. I've suggested counselling for all of us, as she has plead with me to return, with great points on her side about family and togetherness and seeing things through...she's right in her heart. I see the more short term and have told her.."I will assume an authority roll over your children, you'll soon resent that from me, and I'll resent that I'm even there, especially when my own sons are so uncomfortable, with a valid point that princess runs the show and disturbs them when they are doing their own thing or trying to find a way to bond with her (as I've always told them, you have to be nice and try, and if that fails, it's ok to tell me you don't like them around. So it's all a grave concern to me and as I said already, just want to do the right thing and I really get alot out of all of the input offered. | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 10/1/2008 1:18:37 AM | Hi, it's interesting reading as a single parent just stepping into the dating scene. I was just wondering if the US has anything similar to the UK which may help the lady in question. I know family mediation can work but sometimes you need help on a more practical level. To take the burden off you.
We have SureStart which is an organisation of volunteer mums who can help with shopping, doctors appointments etc, but their main role is for you to meet one mum who comes to your house or out to the park or a cafe with you and you can talk and come up with ideas and support for each other. We have all been through similar situations and it helps. If she could get the day to day issues resolved and have a friend who is there to help that to happen she may feel stronger in herself to be of help to her daughter. Sometimes you need someone you can ring who can help you count to ten and then face it all again.
This suggestion may not help with your relationship directly but I do feel for this lady and I don't think burdening you will reach the desired outcome. | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 10/1/2008 9:36:05 AM | | The Brady Bunch had: millions of dollars, a maid/cook on screen, and an entire crew of: tutors, make up people, cooks, wardrobe people, etc, off screen, to help the 'family' who only had to see each other for an hour, or so, per week. Even they could only manage to get along for so long before being cancelled...because everyone was: doing drugs, going to jail, fist fighting, etc. If Mom is not a good parent, she should be told... by someone with the cajones enough to do it...and stick by it. You did as much-in afit of anger-and now want to back down...which makes you not such a great parent, also. You should avoid women with kids, as you are not prepared to cope with raising both the woman, and her kids, as well as your own...and-in some cases-you would have to. You had a lucky escape. Learn from your mistake, and move on. | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 10/1/2008 9:47:05 AM | | And this is why dating should be for adults only. Blending of families can work but only after you get to know the parent very well. Then you gradually mix in the kids in very casual settings. No pressure on anyone. But you cannot expect a child to take orders from some guy/gal that did not exist in their lives up until a few weeks before. | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 10/1/2008 9:59:09 AM | Ever heard of Nanny 911?
Not to be funny here, but alot of times you must go to thier level and see why there is a problem. Is it that she was ignored in the past by one or both of her parents, or is it she is just a spoilled child who Mom lets run all over her and everyone else?
We all have breaking points in life, and it sounds like you reached yours.
I think perhaps Mom needs in lesson is parenting, and how to take controll of not only her childs life, but the life of her own as well.
I had something simular happen years ago with my then step son who was eight at the time. Very spoilled, and got everything he asked for from his Dad, and was allowed to pretty much rule the roost. Non controlling, and constantly causing trouble with my kids and others. He would even tear up my kids toys if he didn't get his way. And yes, I too, like you had yelled at him once for his behavior, then yelled at his dad for not correcting him.
His Dad even let him decide whether him and I should stay together or not. I was in total shock when he said this, and learned years ago as a parent, to take controll of my children, allow them thier freedom, but pull back the reins when they get out of line.
A simple talk, time out, or loss of privelage always seem to do the trick.
Take your time in all this. I think you did well to stand your ground...... | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 10/1/2008 10:49:04 AM | Just wanted to add my 2 cents. First, I have four children so I feel that I can speak with a little authority about children...lol
Being the parent of boys is very diffrent than girls, not to excuse the behaivor but just keep that in mind for the next time around. I have 3 girls and one boy and the girls are tough, emotional and demanding but they do not "run" the house. My son is so easy! LOL
One of the things I do when I see someone has kids and we have been talking I will tell them my parenting styles and ask them about theirs. My ex and I were similar but he goes overboard. At his house they are not allowed to burp or pass gas at all or they get a marble taken away from the marble jar. At my house we giggle and say "Excuse me"
Anyway, I could not be with someone that I thought had bratty children because I would lose respecct for them as a person. Our only job as parents is to raise functioning adults and if your kids are brats they will not be functioning on a normal level at adulthood. There are basic philosphies that need to be in line between the mom and dad figures. I have a great idea, watch and critique Nanny 911 together! That will give you a good idea wher eachother stands on parenting. My kids asked me one day if my kids acted that way what would I do, my response "My children wouldnt act that way" i also said "That boy wouldn't last a day in this house, he wouldnt be able to sit for a week if he pulled that here" It is heartbreaking to see kids like that. | |
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| Anyone tried the Brady Bunch approach to dating? (mixing children from two families)
Posted: 10/2/2008 1:38:29 AM | | Again, bless you all! I never expected sucha wide response! It is hard. I always ask myself first and foremost, am I doing the best thing for evryone involved...but then again, if you really want to be with someone, obstacles can be overcome. I'm too into my sons, and I protect that bond with my life. I can live with being single...I cn't live with knowing that I evr compromised their well being, for any reason. When I became a dad in the forst place, I made them a promise that I would be there as best I could, even though I have botched that in my own ways. But when a 7 yr old has the power to disrupt an entire household, wherein everyone has to walk on eggshells and try to cope with the strange behaviour (a behaviour my sons are foreign to) then enough is enough, despite the best intentions of the victim parent (mom) I would never try to assume an authority over someoine else's children at such an early stage...and really it's mom's job. If I bring my sons to someone's household, given that they are 8 and 9 yrs old, I assume responsibilty for their actions, as it's my job to mold them in the first place...and I expect their behaviour to be in line with the morals and ethics I've taught them. For someone else to have to step in right in front of me and take charge because I have lost control of them is a sad statement, and that has never happened with me. In the same respect, many parents I have seen seem to push their children aside from day to day, as in "go play..I'm busy" or similar circumstances, and when it comes time to hand down authority, they have no footing, because the child was never given enough honest attention by the parent to find anything meaningful in the commands. Did that make sense? I mean, I give my sons all of my attention...I let them know that they have alot to offer and I respect them..so they respect me when I ask them to trust my judgement on the day to day decisions and behaviour issues...maybe I'm just blessed with good kids and I expect too much out of others...regardless...I think it boils down to compatability and simply "hey...this situation creates discomfort, and right or wrong, it's not good for ME or US, and so I have to go...without passing harsh judgement...it's not easy being a parent...but it's the most thrilling experience I have known. When my sons tell me they're not good with something, 9 times out of 10 they're being honest and it's an issue...like the princess diaries I speak of. And I would only resent being there quickly. I've told her that, much to her dispute. And if I have to raise your children for you, I have lost all respect for you, and it's good as dead. | |
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