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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 5:41:15 PM | I really dislike when other people on here always put the blame on the woman for 'giving too much too soon'. Do any of the women on here realize that criticizing
another woman is an outdated mindset dating back to the middle ages? Men must be laughing up their sleeves every time one woman criticizes one of their own sex. Did anyone ever see posts written by men who claim they were wronged by a woman?
They never say, 'hey guy it was all your fault'. NEVER They stick by each other and women should start doing that too. Apparently, this supposed 'gentleman' knew how to play you and it's also probable he knew just when to pull back so that you'd start
pining over him and be at his 'beck and call'. This 'gentleman' is a smooth one. He
knew exactly what he was doing from the start. He probably wanted to set up a woman like this to nurture his already 'over-weaned' ego. Of course he sounded happy when you called. His plan was working, but then he started acting 'weird' again in order to make you feel insecure and desperate. Women have to stop blaming themselves when they're the ones being deliberately manipulated. Realize that no matter how sincere he sounds, he's still playing 'a game' that only he knows the rules to in order to always win.
This is not a sincere person--probably has some sociopathic issues you have no idea about. Turn your back, run, and never look back. At least you'll still have whatever is left of your pride. Best of luck. | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 5:42:51 PM | | I've been reading the forums for awhile tonight and many of the posts are about the dating game. I don't care what anyone says, life is somewhat of a game. So many people have different likes, dislikes, pet peeves and needs to name a few. If we were to actually tell someone about our whole self most would run. I suggest you just back off and act like it's ok. Men's favorite game seems to be the hunt. So don't be so easy to catch. JMHO... | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 5:44:22 PM | Thank you, Sultry. You rock!
I do think it's a combination of perhaps me (why is it me when a guy is involved too? Not sure, but it comes down this way in dating, doesn't it?) spending too much time with him too soon, and perhaps being intimate to a degree. (I didn't give myself up totally)
And yes, I actually in the beginning had refused to be his friend - and quit cold turkey for 3 wks, but then re-thinking about it.. I decided to give it a shot. That's when I found he was very friendly and still wanted to hang out (the weird thing is - he doesn't really hang out with other female friends..?). Does that mean anything? And he's European, usually most European men don't hang out with female friends unless there's potential for more.
If you have any other thoughts to this, please let me know. I seriously need to know what I did wrong and not repeat it in the future. Thank you for your support!  | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 5:48:37 PM | Just be cool? Do you really think it's cool to be friends with someone who "broke your heart?" Do guys really go back? I hear the only way guys can come back is if you nix it and don't talk to them at all...?
I'm not being sarcastic, it's a serious question. I.. usually don't stay friends with the guys who have dumped me (only 1, and his was a medical problem) or when I was the "dumper." (hate that term). Enlighten me? | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 5:57:19 PM | So sorry this happened to you . One can only speculate as to why he "flipped" on you. Maybe he...
- Had gotten in a fight with his girlfriend or wife, and so went online to find some quick solace in another woman (you)...and when they made up, he dumped you.
- Got scared by the sudden intimacy and wants to step back a bit.
- Met someone he thinks is hotter (this is one reason why I demand exclusivity before starting to have sex).
- Is a Player, and now that he has gotten what he was after, he is no longer interested.
- Just had a herpes break out and doesn't want you to know.
- Doesn't like how you look without clothes on or how you are in bed.
...or maybe the romance was more one-sided then you realized, so that you were blind to the signals coming from him that he was not as into you as you were into him.
In any case, it seems as though he has offered the hand of friendship because he feels bad or guilty. I personally would not take it as it seems like an act of clinging or needy desperation to keep hanging on to a guy who has clearly stated that he isn't into you. On the other hand if he changes his mind and decides to date you again that may be something to consider. However, if he does do that I would be very careful next time around not to get hurt again. | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 6:00:14 PM | Ms. Sunny: I'll be real. You didn't do ANYTHING wrong. You did what you felt was right. There can be so many advices you can choose from, but know this; in the end if it's meant to be then it will be. You know what you're looking for, right? Ask yourself if you want a man who gave his all to you, but then just flatout let it all go. This piece was given to me by a old sensei "mistakes are sometimes made only to learn the ultimate truth". You, and many others like you, deserve better. Don't blame yourself.   | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 6:45:49 PM | This is really good analysis... some of the guys I've talked to mentioned the same exact factors you mentioned as well.
Well, two of my girlfriends met him while we were together and in their eyes, they thought he was TOTALLY more into me than I was into him. So... I don't think it was one-sided - until "whatever" happened. I do believe one or two things that may have "triggered" it.. as one girl mentioned earlier.
I can ask him why he broke it off now, right? Since we're just < friends now. Or is it too soon? | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 6:49:30 PM | Thanks EastEndWoman. Btw... is that supposed to be the opposite of 'WestEndGirls'?
I sense there is a little sociopath like tendencies.. this guy is very intelligent in math.. but I think he has a hard time socializing with the norm. (hmm...) Regardless, I definitely am aware now and depending after this.. not sure if I will continue the friendship. Will see. Thank you. | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 6:51:46 PM | I have been thinking about this a lot lately.. and have come to some conclusions.. I am so sorry this happened to you Sunny.
Let me tell you a story first:
I met a guy on here last December.. we chatted on the phone kinda clicked so we met for some lunch as a first meet. After lunch he walked me to my car, acted very interested in me, hugged me, and gave me a light peck on the lips. I liked him too felt a chemistry and he let me know that he felt the chemistry too.
He called me later and told me that he wanted to date me but didn't think he would ever remarry.. so he asked if it would bother me if he dated other women also. I said that would be ok with me since I did enjoy him.. I felt we could be really good friends.. etc. So he said that I lived a little farther away than he liked to date (50 miles) but we would go out in a few weeks.. so I said OK.
About two weeks later I get a call from him to tell me that he would not be dating me at all because he had met someone who he was really serious about. She was a lady he would see when he was doing his runs for his job who he thought was married and he has found out she is single. She lived more than 100 miles from his house but he still wanted to date her.
With in a couple of months she moved up to be near him probably moved in with him. I have met her and really like her a lot.
They will get married next month.
Moral of the story is this... when it is there it is there.. when it isn't it isn't.. even though there is great chemistry that is just the begining ... it is not enough.
I don't know why my friend fell in love with this lady.. but he did. I met her she is great.. but she isn't a beauty (she isn't ugly either) but he adores her.
She lived over 100 miles from him but he made it work cuz she was worth it.
I am not saying that you are not special .. because you are special.. but I have finally learned.. that chemistry is a great start but if all the components are not there it is a no go and you did not do anything wrong either. If all the components were there there would be nothing to keep him from being with you.. just like my friend. This woman had everything against her that I had.. but there was something about her that caused him to over look the "nos" and want a "yes" with her.
I hope Ididn't bore you with my story.. but it is fresh on my mind.. since I thought about this today.
I too feel I was unfairly dumped by a guy who the last date we had stood on my front porch before he left shook his head in dis-belief and said that I was the sexiest woman he had ever known. Then he never called me again. I finally sent him an email wanting to know what was up with this because he had led me to believe that we would be seeing one another. He said that he was a jerk for not telling me sooner but that he felt we were going too fast and that the distance between us was too far (45 miles)... ok.. So if I had been the one for him.. we would not have gone too fast or at least he would have taken control of it (like my friend did in the story above) and 45 miles would not have been too far. It just was not there for him like it was for me. I am convienced nothing could have changed things this end was inevitable...
So I hope that you will be encouraged by all the nice people who have written to encourage you. You are a beautiful lady.. so carry your head high.. this one was not the right one for you.. so say my favorite word... NEXT!!! | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 7:12:42 PM | Aww... thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that first relationship didn't work out... (the 2nd guy sounds like a jerk.. or was being flakey) have you read about the relationship expert, Christian Carter? My friend gave me his material to read after this breakup.. shed a lot about the whole how the "2nd woman" caught your man. Sucks, but I guess there's truth in it?
You sound like a wonderful spirit and I'm sure you will make some man very happy in the future. I think the root of it is us woman have to remain confident and not let these guys step over us! IMO.  | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 7:21:13 PM | ty Sunny,
Yes I have read the Christian Carter stuff.. and really basically yes he coaches on what to do and what not to do but he says basically the same thing.. if it ain't there for them it isn't there for them.
The first guy is a friend of mine along with his new fiancee.. she fits well into his life.. I never would have although I could have lots of fun with him...  She IS really his other half.. I was not.. I could have only been a romantic fling at best. I am thrilled for them both.
The 2nd. guy in his defence he does have 3 school aged boys.. who need him desperately. He is an excellent father.. and goes to their sporting events daily with three boys you can imagine. I am only mad at him because he didn't tell me that he had changed his mind.... I am not mad because he changed his mind.. just disappointed. I knew he was burning the candle at both ends and I was honestly concerned for him he was showing all the signs of stress.. I knew I was low on the totem pole in priorities as I should have been. We had a lot of fun together and I don't think I burned any bridges..and I am glad to have known him and I admit I still have deep feelings for him.
As a friend of mine once said "always act in a way that they are NOT glad you are out of their life".. that is.. don't act like a *itch when you break up.. hehehe. | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/19/2008 7:27:37 PM | Here is a post someone made on the forums a few months ago that really helped me a lot to move foward.. which I happily did..
On Moving On:
"Find someone you like & can talk to - just relax around people - everyone is different & you'll "Love" different aspects of them..
Its hard to stop loving someone - you can't really - so dont stop - just find someone else to love as well - find new memories - Can't ever have enough good memories"
Remember the song "Love The One Your With".. by.. Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young (I think Neil Young was with them then)..
"if you can't be with the one you love honey.. love the one your with".. !!!!
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/20/2008 12:03:21 AM | Stop blaming yourself and wondering what you did wrong!
There's no error in being yourself and enjoying someone else's company.
I agree---he KNOWS why he broke up with you...he's just refusing to tell you.
He is indecisive and doesn't communicate well.
Had he told you the truth you might not be so hurt or confused now
Why would you want to be friends a person like this? Isn't that a waste of time?
C'mon, you're a good-looking lady and it sounds as if you have a lot going for you.
Surely there are LOTS of guys who'd jump at the chance to date you.
Why focus your energy on those that don't? | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/20/2008 5:00:55 AM | This site has "plenty" in its heart so many people on here and in general dating have emphasis on that there is plenty of available match. Sadly no one tries to make a go out of relationships be it a first date or not. People not bothering to take time to get to know one person at a time as it takes too much of an effort, sad really. | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/20/2008 9:18:00 AM | | eastendwoman--excellent points--thank you! Regarding sociopathic issues. it is good to be aware of that element in the world and in dating. There is an excellent book called "The Sociopath Next Door" which was a real eye opener for me, and a quick fun read. | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/20/2008 10:31:19 AM | | You had chemistry, then you had sex, so he met his goal, and lost his ATTRACTION for you. Men are like that. They want to chase you and pursue you, but when you give it to them too soon, they run. They like the chase. When you have sex, it is all over, in the man's mind, because he has nothing more to pursue. You should have given him more time, and more activities, stretched and spanned over a longer period of time, because then you would have given him time to DEVELOP FEELINGS for you. After he has sex with you, he will not learn anything about you. He will lose respect and attraction for you. It doesn't matter whether you hit it off with "chemistry" or not. He is not emotionally unavilable. He just needs time to develop feelings for you. If you act too friendly with these type of guys, they will back off. They want to do the pursuing, they want a woman who is not "too friendly, or too easy". They want do the chasing, and the quicker you run, the more chasing they can do. Buy a book called Why Men Love B**I**T**C**H**E**S. It is a book on male psychology, and explains what is happening here. | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/20/2008 4:17:17 PM | Ok...I had this girlfriend a LONG time ago who was a new date junkie. She always had to have that exciting, tingly, butterfiles in the stomach feeling ALL THE TIME. When that was gone or even dulled a little that was it. Dumped. One guy to the next to the next... She's still looking. 20 years later.
He KNOWS why. He's choosing not to say.
I think I'd agree with that - I've known those types before too. I might argue the point of "he KNOWS why and is choosing not to say" - because quite honestly its quite possible they don't know - the "newness" fades, and they're lost, incapable of getting past that into the reality of a relationship, that things go up and down sometimes and not every day is the "fairytale romance" - and yet never having gotten past that in a relationship, they *don't* really understand it.
Doesn't really matter why - if its not there, he's not feeling it anymore, you can't make it happen.
edit: "After he has sex with you, he will not learn anything about you. He will lose respect and attraction for you. It doesn't matter whether you hit it off with "chemistry" or not." -- Wow, Smilee, I can say thats only happened to me once, and that relationship really was a mistake from the start, I was lonely and she wanted me - bad reason on my part (catch me doing that again!). Yeah, I've lost respect for a couple of ex's, but thats usually *after* we broke up, not during the relationship. | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/20/2008 6:03:16 PM | | Hey. I'm sorry to hear about that. That really sucks Who knows... Whatever the case, consider it a blessing because there is someone great out there that is going to treat you right. Keep your head up! | |
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| Amazing chemistry with guy - to later be dumped. Why?
Posted: 9/25/2008 4:50:42 PM | Maybe one day people would come to terms with the fact that *chemistry* does not make a relationship.
It's only one of several factors essential for a relationship.
Character, attitude and personality is more important.
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