| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 2:37:53 PM | | it doesn't really raise too big of a red flag. there has been a few situations where I had no where to go but live with a family member and them only having 1 room available for us my daughter and I sleep in the same bed. When she became 4 we had our own place and it took her a very long time to learn how to sleep in her own room in her own bed. After a year of her being able to feel that comfort of sleeping with mommy, she didn't want her own room or her own bed. We have our own apartment now and she's 6 and she still wants to try and sleep with me but I'm fern and I tell her no that she's a big girl and she needs to learn to sleep in her own room and her own bed. maybe he doesn't know how to deal with the situation. But she's old enough for her own room and her own bed and on a daily basis that's where she should be. But there isn't anything wrong with maybe once in a while/blue moon with her wanting to sneak into bed with her father or her mother or both, you know what I mean? but if the weekends are the only time that he sees his daughter then it could be there bonding time together and maybe she misses him so much during the week that the entire weekend she just wants to be next to her father and so he allows it and therefore doesn't see the point in buying her bed. but if i was in your position I'm blunt I would of asked him and told him my thoughts and see what he says. | |
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amg72
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Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 27 | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 3:29:04 PM | | TO me its a red flag for the reason hes allowing her to call the shots .. what happens if he does find someone they sleep on the couch when she comes over ... as I posted previously i lived with a guy who allowed his daughters to call the shots on that and everything else . it hurt me and our relationship ... | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 7:02:21 PM | I've talked to other single dads, and sometimes their kids sleep with him, his daughter was 6 at the time. You may see it as a red flag perhaps because you believe kids should sleep in their own bed. Some may have an open mind and don't mind sharing their bed because all kids and the parent do is sleep.
Perhaps you can subtley ask if his ex does that as well. But either way, is it really your biz unless you get serious with him? | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 8:29:34 PM | A girl this age should have her own bed in her own bedroom. Decorating it with her input would make unique and personal for her.. Afraid of the dark, night lights work wonders. A good bedtime routine such as a story or just talking about the day helps relax.
If for some reason she needs some comfort and is actually scared during the night, eg nightmares, thunderstorms etc.... he could put a mattress on the floor in his room for those rare occasions...
The arrangement suggested by the OP is not healthy and if a person is concerned then questions should be asked. It was not stated if the child has interaction with the mother or if there are visitation issues.. I know that if I learned that my daughter was sleeping in her fathers bed, I would be over there with a shotgun.... to heck with being subtle | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/19/2008 9:22:17 PM | When my daughter was 9, I was going through the divorce, and she would climb into bed with me sometimes, same with my son. They both did that through out their lives. I think it was a security issue for them at the time...Now that she is 12, heck, I am happy when she sits in the same room as me for 15 minutes | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/20/2008 8:21:53 AM | | I know a divorced woman that allowed her 14-year-old sensitive son to sleep in her bed. What I think is bad here is that this sort of thing emotionally stunts the children, who by now should know how to comfort themselves. Coddling children at that age is not the way to handle divorce. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/20/2008 8:23:24 AM | I personally do not think there is anything wrong with this situation. He obviously cares about his daughter and her emotional needs. Both my children, boy 7 and girl 8 crawl into my bed after I fall asleep. It started after our separation and got worse after our house was broken into. I never would turn my child away, if they need to crawl into my bed to feel more secure, then so be it.
What I think is sad is the fact that at every turn our society is looking for a reason to label a guy a weirdo, child molestor, perv....so much the Fathers today have to pull away from their children or they might be wrongly accused of something they did not even do.
And worse yet are all the comments about lady friends who might be staying overnight. How much damage do you think the child will suffer by finding a stranger in Daddy's bed? And what message are we sending our children. That it is A-OK to sleep around? My children will not see any man in my bed until after they have met the guy, are used to the guy, and we are in a stable, loving, exclusive relationship. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/20/2008 9:14:36 AM | ^^^^^^ if they need to crawl into my bed to feel more secure, then so be it
At least your children have their own bed..
Don't you think it's a little strange that at this age, the girl doesn't even have a bed in her own bedroom....this set up is just way too creepy for me.
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/20/2008 10:30:07 AM | wind chimez, I think the little girl probably has abandonment issues and is not ready yet to be in her own room. So to waste money on a bed right now just might not be in his budget. As for the free bed that was mentioned earlier, I personally would not accept a used bed from anyone. No offense to OP.
Our culture has supported us moving our children out of our beds at an early age to foster independence. However, most cultures have a family bed. Huge debate this is and you can find experts who support both sides.
Reality is, we know nothing about his relationship with his child or events leading up to his situation. He was upfront and honest with OP about his living conditions and OP has to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker in this relationship. No parent has the right to tell another parent how to raise their child. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/20/2008 10:36:46 AM | Before puberty the girl probably doesn't have a lot of awareness that others could vie this as creepy. She needs her dad, especially if her home has been shaken up. My son who's 10 still sleeps with me sometimes so I get that.
What seems to be behind this questions is "is this guy doing something sexual with his kid." And I really wished we lived in a world where we didn't need to ask these questions. Men especially get shit about dealing with kids - boys and girls. And I think it's sad.
I think that yes she should have a bed of her own, but I also am clear that she'll ask for one when she's ready. Kids do take space and get what they need.
I wish you luck in creating trust with your self and this man. He sounds like he's doing the best he can.
Good luck! | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/21/2008 10:03:57 PM | | OK, my situation.....my daughter is 8 now, and will still occasionally come to sleep next to me. Yeah, it may same weird to some, but we have always had a loving relationship and she is a daddy's girl. She doesn't get a lot of affection at home, and she knows I'll never turn her away when she needs someone to hold or cuddle with her. She took it hard because I was always there and that was something she always looked forward to, me being around. Now that she's not here all the time, I think that's what triggered it. My son is now the same way. Most of the time, whenever I have them, I'll have one kid on each side of me laying on each shoulder until they fall asleep. Is it weird, not from my point of view. Now I do get up and will usually go to the couch. They are drool monsters. lol Basically, I think it all just depends on how the family grew up together. When the ex and I were together, both slept in their own rooms, in their own beds. Once we split up, the kids didn't want to leave my side. They aren't as bad now, but my daughter does still want to sleep next to me, usually with her head on my shoulder, on occasion. So no, I don't think it's all that weird. As far as the whole bed thing goes, that's an odd thing. Could raise some flags, or could just be he doesn't want to be separated from her? I know I had a very strong bond with my daughter and I didn't want to be without her. Could be the same thing. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 3:37:18 AM | | my god, is this the sort of crap you write about, no wonder you are single parents, no doubt scrounging off the state, it is pretty obvious when the child is old enough to sleep in her own bed,then thats where she should sleep, i would say 2yrs onwards | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 3:55:49 AM |
my god, is this the sort of crap you write about, no wonder you are single parents, no doubt scrounging off the state,
Huh!?
First, YOU are a single parent so, what's up with that?
Second, NO WHERE in the thread does anyone talk about "scrounging off the state". I don't where you got that from or for that matter, how one relates to the other??
Careful Dude, your disdain and ignorance is showing... | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 4:18:17 AM | Okay....mom of five talking here....
Most all 12 year boys and girls are already growing pubic hair, girls have, or are getting ready to have, their period and the boys are waking up with a .....you know. (it's more the norm than not)
No matter how innocent the initial reasoning may be - you (he) really need(s) to think about that part of it.
This is, imho, what makes it seem off and/or kind of creepy.
Don't even ask me what I think of my neighbour who still sleeps with her 16 year old boy, and makes jokes about things like "Good thing I have a big bed - with what he gets during the night - hahaha".
So NOT amusing.
HnH  | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 6:56:36 AM | I can see both sides of this issue, but, without knowing the parties involved it would be hard to determine.
I have a friend who's daughter shared with him until she was 10 yrs old. They didn't see each other on a regular basis due to distance issues so she definately wanted to be with dad. Home life with mom and her ever changing boyfriends was tough on her and dad loved her to pieces. She liked the security. However, now that he lives closer, is remarried and she is a bit older, it doesn't happen.
Then again, if it was another man I know, I'd be calling child services.
Although, the fact that he doesn't want to buy one for her and has bought one for her brother does make one wonder.
If you do end up in a relationship with this guy it could be an issue and then again, maybe not. It might be the impetus to get her into her own room. Just make sure it doesn't come out as your idea so she can't "blame" you for taking her daddy away (usually a good parting shot from a hormonal teen when they're angry with their stepmother). It's easy to plant the seed though. Go on a shopping trip and casually end up in the furniture or bedding dept and gush over how you wished you'd had that furniture/bedding etc when you were a girl. Same with catalogues or flyers -- there's so much cool stuff out there for kids these days you could go on and on.
My kids occasionally crawl in with me but I give them a time limit. We cuddle until they're feeling better and off to bed they go. Most times I don't go with them to tuck them back in, I find they're more likely to stay put if mom doesn't follow and give them that opportunity to put on the puppy dog eyes and ask to come back
As for the lady above who's acquantance sleeps with her 16 yr old son --that is a very serious issue which needs addressing by a professional. Not just for the emotional damage that it is causing him but yes, believe it or not, there are women out there that sexually abuse their sons as well. Most boys are just too embarrassed to report it. Not to say that is occurring in this case but it is creepy. Heck, my son hasn't wanted me to see him naked since last year when he was 8, although he climbs in on the rare occasion now but not for long, I can't imagine him doing it nightly at 16. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 8:29:44 AM | You bet, mysteryin....it can be difficult to make a call on it at times.
No doubt in my mind about my neighbour though, even though she says he climbs in with her during the night because he's still mama's boy. It's just wrong at that age.
She's considered the tough gal in town, even at 41, but I did her a HUGE favour a few years back, and she has always said she 'owes me, big time'.
I think I will take advantage of that and speak to her about it (and hope I don't get my eyes blackened, lol).
I figure it might be better for her, if it is innocent as she says (she had some serious parental abandonment issues in her own childhood), than someone anonymously calling CAS (CPS for those south of the 49th), as she has no compunction mentioning it to all and asunder after having a few beers.
HnH | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 11:36:38 AM | I can see both sides of it also.
At the time of the divorce the daughter experienced separation anxiety and feels more secure now sleeping with her dad. The dad sees what makes her happy and part of him feels good that he is doing the right thing, he may even feel like he is making a sacrifice, giving up some of his personal space for her benefit. As some other posters have mentioned " he cares about his daughter, but doesn't have the knowledge and/or abilty to do what is ultimately best for her. "
On the other hand, sleeping in their own bed is very important. Learning to self soothe and become independant are important stepping stones.
My soon-to-be ex used to let my boys (4 and 2) sleep with her on the nights I worked late. On the nights I was home I had them sleep in their own beds. This was even more damaging because the one thing children need is consistency.
After the divorce they wanted to sleep in my bed, and for a couple days I let them. Then I quickly saw where this was going, so I made a deal with them:
Every night they must fall asleep in their own beds. But if they wake up after that from nightmares or a funny noise or whatever and want to come sleep with me they can. This happened a lot at first, but over a few months toned down to hardly ever. The assurance that after they fell asleep they could move later helped them be big boys and fall asleep in their own beds.
I hope that helps. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 11:59:11 AM | Aged nine is for sure about six or seven years past the limit as far as I am concerned.....
My daughter used to crawl into my bed.(I was fully dressed) and go under the covers while I rattled off "Rainbow Brite" stories until she fell asleep, then I carried her to her own room and bed. This stopped about age three....the bit about my bed....not the bedtime stories!
As I sleep in the ......er.....er....well,lets just say with no jammies my kid's were always taught to knock on the door and wait before entering my room if the door was closed...
Lying on the bed talking or reading stories in my bedroom stopped with both kids when they got to age three.
The thought of sleeping with my nine year old (unless it was an emergency)is just not right even if I was sleeping on top of the covers fully dressed.....
As previously stated the kids always knocked on my bedroom door before entering and I would always knock on both my son's or daughter's bedroom door before entering their room....
There is a real problem I think with the father who wants to sleep with his nine yr old daughter,esp when the daughter has to as she doesn't even have her own room or bed.
I think a call to social services would not be amiss.....
Children need there privacy and that privacy I believe should be respected, especially in there sleeping areas
Was I wrong to always knock on my kid's bedroom doors if they were closed, because I have been criticised by a few people? | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:01:09 PM | | Very good point laneybird and to answer your question, in my opinion, yes it would. Given some of the later stated facts that she does have her own room and while dad was able to purchase a bed for his son he chose not to do the same for his daughter. Even when the OP offered the use of an extra bed for her, he still refused. While I'm not going to jump to conclusions and say there is anything nasty going on between the two of them one or both of them may need some counseling to address this issue. Maybe she has some lingering separation anxieties; maybe he has some form of depression with associated guilt from the divorce, whatever the cause there are ways to move past these issues and onto a normal life. If she had a bed of her own and kept waking up in the middle of the night to climb into her parents bed I don't think anyone would give it a second thought......regardless of whither it was mom or dad. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:09:15 PM | I agree with funone on this ... but I also still add the fact hes allowing her to call the shots .. not good children need to be molded at a young age , and allowing her to call the shots this young . What if later he finds a woman he wants to share himself with , THEN he pushes the kiddo out ? How will that work out ?
If she has her own bed in her bedroom and wakes up and comes in sure all kids do that , but the situation just seems odd . from the get go . | |
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