| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 1:32:14 PM |
Would it give you the heeby jeebies if a 9 yr old child slept in the same bed as her mother?
I hate seeing loving fathers being labeld like this.
Im a single father of two a boy 4 and a girl 6,from time to time I wake up in the morning and find one or both off them in my bed.I dont think kids should be encouraged to sleep with the parent(s) at any age,but at times it is unavoidable.They share their own room and are sent to bed in their own beds.Just because Im a guy I dont think I should be viewed unfairly because of this.My issue with the original post is that he has the rooms,but does'nt get the girl her own bed so he is not activley trying to stop it happening.While I dont think it raises red flags for me he should be actively encouraging her to sleep seperatley.
The Dandy | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 7:02:55 PM | I had to laugh with a post that said that his daughter was now 12 and he was happy if she spent 15 minutes with him. My oldest use to crawl in bed with me many nights, now I am luckly if I get a hello.
Back to the issue at hand. My first reaction was I wouldn't think it was creepy but when I rethought the fact that he refused to even get her a bed that makes me wonder. Maybe he is having as many problems as she is having. It's a hard issue. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/22/2008 7:39:34 PM | | Okay my eldest used to do this very samething with my parents shes 4 now when she used to go stay with them when she was about 1 or 2 she would sleep in bed with them and she would me too but I didnt think anything creepy or redflags raised in my head. But when she turned 3 is when she started sleeping in her own bed. Same as my youngest shes 2 now and shes sleeping in her own bed the only times she wants to sleep with me or my parents is when shes sick or had a nightmare. I do agree that she is 9 and needs her own bed and they do need to see a therapists about this issue. But as one poster posted ealier about shes already starting to devolpe yes it is strange that she still sleeps in bed with daddy. But if mom is allowing this behaviour at her home then shes used to this kind of sleeping arangement. I know one guy hes about 26 now he used to sleep with his mom till he got a gf and that was just a couple yrs ago i thought it was creepy and alil strange. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/23/2008 7:46:47 AM | As a uni student studying other cultures, this debate brings to mind the unconscience bias some people have in believing western culture's superiority. We automaticaly believe that its not 'normal' or 'healthy' for a child to co sleep with parents after a certain age, yet when looking to other cultures where co sleeping is the norm, the children grow up as well balanced, healthy happy adults.
We need to let go of our perceptions on what we think is right and accept that what works for one family, wont work for another. There are many cultures in which co sleeping is common place, these cultures have very low crime rates, sexual assault rates, etc in comparison to western society. When we feel 'creeped out' by topics such as this, its because of our conditioning.
In talking to the father about the issue, if he has nothing to hide, then his reasoning and explanations will be freely expressed with little restraint and hesitation about it.
Don't judge people by comparing their ways to your own. Your values and beliefs are not automatically superior.
end of rant. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/23/2008 8:19:09 AM | Sorry corzy but I've got some questions. I'm not sure how we can draw any conclusions about the father's cultural up bringing but as the OP is in North Carolina USA and that she has gone out on dates with him I am working under the assumption that he also lives in this area and there by it is the western cultures normality that most are comparing it to. Now since you are studying other cultures maybe you can then tell us which ones subscribe to the notion that boys in the family should sleep on their own while the girls should sleep with their parents? I would have to guess that this would also then be the same had the father never gotten divorced and that the daughter would be expected to sleep in the same be with both of her parents? I myself come from a non-traditional extended family so I am more open than most to the differences that make up our country. That being said I still stand behind my comment that we should not jump to conclusions about any wrong doings by the father and that one, both or all of them need to seek professional assistance to deal with potential lingering issues stemming from the divorce. There are also laws in this country that actually prohibit this type of thing from happening (although rarely enforced without other supportive destructive behavior) so I think the OP has a right to question it and be concerned.
***UPDATE*** Allow me to correct myself it is not a law regarding separate living areas for opposite sex siblings however it is a guideline within Children's Services in our area so it is something that has come up before. I just wanted to clarify that it is not US law. Sorry for my confusion on that. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/23/2008 9:43:48 AM | lobsterslayer and navigator6 have the best responses to this post on page one. Good job guys!
There is no reason for distress. People used to only have one room homes with one bed and you are freaking out because a divorced dad is letting his little girl climb into bed with him? Yikes!
Sounds to me like this guy and his little girl are gaining comfort from each other--it certainly is not necessarily sexual. Talk to me when she hits puberty and is still in Dad's bed.
I understand that havign a child in dad's bed creates a problem for any potential relationship he may have and it certainly isn't appropriate for the child to be sleeping with dad and girlfriend.
I love the suggestion that they shop for this little girl's bedroom furniture together so she feels it's really hers and so she's excited about her own room. I also think that they need to sit down and have a family talk about her needing to be in her own room and Daddy needing his personal space. This should be done long before Dad invites a woman to his bed so that the habit has been broken and there's no traumatized child in the middle of the night.
I dated a man who let his little girl climb into bed with him every night. He did NOT mention that fact to me, and the first night I spent there when my child was away for the weekend, we were going to sleep in the basement so as not to disturb his kids. He indicated he would be more comfortable in his own bed, so we moved there. He had not discussed remaining in her own bed with his daughter, he did not even lock his bedroom door when we went to sleep. In the middle of the night this little girl tried to jump into daddy's bed only to find her spot taken by a woman. It was an extremely distressing experience for her and I was absolutely disgusted that, knowing this habit, he didn't take precautions to protect her from such upset.
Nutt | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/23/2008 1:34:11 PM | Ummm...yeah, probably.
We had very close friends who thought it was alright for the daughter to shower with the Dad. They said the human body was nothing to be awkward about or ashamed of. The girl grew up with ISSUES, like chasing her mom around with a knife screaming she was going to kill her!
Yes, at that age girls can start their periods and are in the thro's of hormonal changes. I think she should sleep in her own bed religiously and he should GROW UP and get some counselling. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 9/23/2008 1:46:11 PM |
Talk to me when she hits puberty and is still in Dad's bed.
Yes, at that age girls can start their periods and are in the throes of hormonal changes My daughter is 9-1/2, and this applies to her, which is why I was rather rigid with my original reply.
I adopted her and am single, so there's no daddy or father figure in her life - but I would absolutely lose it under these circumstances!
Not to mention I've never known a man yet who doesn't have a flipping boner when he wakens or is asleep.
While that was always a bonus for me....it doesn't even matter whether this little gal is in puberty or not. 
It's just wrong.
JMHO, of course, but I'm sticking with it...
HnH  | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:09:35 AM | No red flag fourm gal" i'll tell you this my cousins slept in the bed with their father when he was home and not having work from time they was little-13yrs old, that stuff is normal around my neck of the woods, why don't you just come out and ask him, why does his 9yr old daughter still sleep in the bed w/him.
If he trusts you and knows your heart is in right place, than he wont over react. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:40:32 AM | id be more inclined to think it was more of a situational thing, sometimes its easier to let this happen to keep the peace and not cause a fuss between them on visitation weekends.
a friend of mine, and her partner (the childs father) had their daughter sleep in with them until she was about 12, which in my eyes was wrong - not from any weird perspective, but from letting the child get their own way, as it was easier for her to sleep with them rather than her create merry hell!
its all sorted now!
it can raise all manner of issues trying to remove a child from the bed if you have someone over to stay, but i would hope on visitation days, early on in a relatioship this wouldnt happen anyway! | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 3:58:43 AM | | Many cultures around the world have a family bed; no one is banished to sleep alone down the hall. Mommy has Daddy, but the kid has a stuffed teddy bear? Personally see nothing wrong with co-sleeping. Our society is so focused on forced independence at a young age; many little kids and not-so-little kids have a need for close physical contact with their parents. If you respect and honor those needs when they're little, they are far less needy as they get older. That's been my experience with high-touch kids. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 6:08:55 AM | Forumgal, my son when he was 8 would frequently sleep in my bed with me when he had a bad dream or when he just wanted to feel close to me. Should that give anyone to impression that I was doing something inappropriate with my son? Hell no. In some cultures, that behaviour is not considered inappropriate at all. He eventually decided to sleep in his own room but it was his choice.
His 9 year old daughter only sees her father every other weekend....I am not surprised that "she" wants to be close to her father for that entire time, including sleeping time. He respects his daughter's need for closeness and her request that he not buy her a bed because she wants to sleep beside her father. Perhaps this little girl is insecure and missing her father and perhaps this father knows that (since he is not doing anything inappropriate) allowing her to satisfy these needs for a while is best for his child. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 6:56:33 AM | This would raise flags to me. This isn't co-sleeping, she's 9 years old. This isn't the same as a child getting out of bed for some reason and climbing into bed with you for security. And I feel at 9 years old, if even that is happening every night there is something that needs to be addressed.
The father and daughter share a room, even though she could easily have her own. I highly doubt there is anything going on, only because he told you they share a room. If he were doing something abusive, he would likely be hiding it.
I do understand why it would throw a red flag to some, especially if they have experienced sexual abuse or had someone close to them go through it.
I think that this man isn't recognizing that his daughter and he should not be sharing a bedroom, because it is unhealthy at age 9. If this doesn't change she will soon be a young adult sharing a bedroom with her father. At what point would those of you saying the OP is dirty-minded find this to be strange? | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 7:32:32 AM | Doesn't give me the creepy feeling, but it does suggest his parenting skills need work.
Bet he doesn't take that suggestion well, though.
His reaction could either endear me to him more or become the deal-breaking red-flag I'd be grateful for finding early on. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 7:42:42 AM | I think it probably is just that he doesn't know how to put his foot down and push her toward becoming more independant. But her not even having a bed is strange. He should at least set up her room for her and then maybe she'd be more motivated to want to sleep on her own. Letting a 9 year old decide whether or not she has a bed seems silly to me. Why does her not wanting one, mean anything at all, when she's 9? I wouldn't even ask my son or daughter if they wanted a bed, I'd just buy the bed set up the room and start encouraging them to sleep in their room.
Tough call, OP I mean maybe he isn't a pedophile, but he definitely seems to lack some parenting skills. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 8:51:54 AM | Honestly! Any so called man that lets his 9/10 year old daughter sleep with them has some serious insecurity issues. If he was a posative, guiding father he'd tell her that that was not appropreate or acceptable in society and that its time she became a more responsable lil lady, but would also explain to her that her father is there for her no matter what happens. Just my view anyways, wow I was shocked to see that people honestly dont know the difference between right and wrong, that to me, "letting your 10 year old daughter sleep with you" is 100% pure wrong.
P.S - how would you explain that to your daughter when she was older?
"um... yeah I had you you slept with me untill you were a young woman"
Brutal! signed "the peanut gallery. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:20:00 AM | It does sort of raise a few red flags, this man should buy his daughter a bed, regardless of whether she wants to sleep in it or not, he don't know that she won't until he buys her a bed, maybe she feels she has no choice but to sleep with her dad, because where else can she sleep?
mmm I would personally avoid that man, especially as I got kids myself.
It could be innocent though? Still very strange! | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 1:28:30 PM | | It wouldn't raise any red flags with me. I'd have to know more about the situation. When I was 6 my dad first moved in with my mom and I. I always wanted to sleep in his bed, because I was so happy to finally be living under the same roof with him. There was nothing weird about it. It was just a phase and it didn't last long. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 6:39:11 PM |
went out with a man that seemed fairly nice, has been divorced for 2+ years, but mentioned in passing that his 9 year old daughter never uses her bed. She sleeps with him every night. He has her alone every weekend. This gave me the heeby-jeebies. While there is probably nothing bad going on, I still wonder if that isn't a tad old to be sleeping with her father. He mentioned he hasn't even bought her a bed in his 3 bedroom house because she said she didn't want one. Does anyone else think this might raise some red flags?
No, I don't think it's creepy, i've woken up many a morning to find my 9 year old son in with me.... Wheres the differance, because i'm his mother......
She is still at nine a little girl...... Personaly unless there is other indicators I think you are worrying over nothing.... | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:42:10 PM | | Although I think this man and daughter have some boundry issues to work out and probably need to be educated in this area, rock hunter hit the nail on the head. He first needs a woman who isn't a drama queen and doesn't jump to accusations/rediculous conclusions. I seriously doubt there is anything sexual about it. Probably just some insecurities of both the father and daughter created by the divorce. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:09:48 PM |
rock hunter hit the nail on the head. He first needs a woman who isn't a drama queen and doesn't jump to accusations/rediculous conclusions
Women and men who have had personal experience with sexual abuse tend to be more cautious about it.
It doesn't mean they are dramatic or dirty minded.
The fact that this child doesn't even have her own bed at 9 is strange. The daughter and father share a room, but the other child has his own room. It doesn't mean he is a pedophile, but it isn't right. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:34:16 PM | first, why is he dating you and he sleeps exclusively with his daughter?
he provides no bed for his daughter but his own. oh come on people, please claw your way out of your denial. if it walks like a pedophile and talks like a pedophile it probably is one. men get erections in their sleep, how special for her to accidentally bump into one. pleasant thought huh? | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:21:22 PM | he provides no bed for his daughter but his own. oh come on people, please claw your way out of your denial. if it walks like a pedophile and talks like a pedophile it probably is one. men get erections in their sleep, how special for her to accidentally bump into one. pleasant thought huh?
Ew. I think you're jumping the gun here. Having his daughter sleep in his bed doesn't make the man a pedophile automatically. You don't know how big the bed might be. Maybe they sleep with a foot of space between them. No need to be so perverted. I think the guy just lacks some good parenting skills. He really shouldn't be letting his daughter make the decision as to whether or not she has her own bed. But I don't think it automatically makes him a sicko. | |
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:24:05 PM | Some years ago, I had a friend went through separation and divorce from her ex husband. They had an 8 years old girl together. The father was sleeping with her all the time. When he had to leave after the divorce he got a small apartment, and would refuse to get her her own bed, and continued to sleep with her at his new place. For years, I told her that I saw MAJOR red flags in this behavior and that I was afraid for her daughter. She didn't act.
Years later, when the kid was older, she decided to tell her story and we learned that there has been regular sexual abuse since she was very young.
I cannot extrapolate or generalize from this experience. But for me, this behavior is FAR from innocent. It has nothing to do with a kid that has his own bed yet decided he feel safer in his parent's bed and who occasionally decides to go sleep in the family bed. It's a unilateral decision taken from the adult side, and the kid is already 9 years old, going toward her puberty. If she is abused in any way, she would have no way to even realize if it is abuse or not, because she would have no reference point to know the difference. If she would realize it's not okay, still, she would not have any other alternative since she wouldn't even have a bed in the first place (or her own room for that matter) to go to and attempt to protect herself.
It doesn't necessarily mean he is a pedophile. But it makes me cringe, big time.
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| At what age is it creepy if a man is sleeping with his daughter?
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:28:34 PM | The father was sleeping with her all the time. When he had to leave after the divorce he got a small apartment, and would refuse to get her her own bed, and continued to sleep with her at his new place. For years, I told her that I saw MAJOR red flags in this behavior and that I was afraid for her daughter. She didn't act.
Years later, when the kid was older, she decided to tell her story and we learned that there has been regular sexual abuse since she was very young.
That is so horrible! I'm so sorry for your friend's daughter. I don't know, maybe it is a red flag. Tough call. | |
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