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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 9/30/2008 6:27:18 PM | Sexxytomboy12..
She screams your name....  Good one.. | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 9/30/2008 7:10:39 PM | | Oh I can add so many innuendo's to the gum one, but I won't, it'd pass the "R" rating. | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/1/2008 2:50:04 AM | A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir,' replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump
right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck...
Moral of the story: Southerners may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government
employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north!! | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/1/2008 2:02:49 PM | | Oh TNMANALONE! Shame on you! Now you are discriminating against blondes! | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/1/2008 3:11:26 PM | O.K. Will try a Burnett one, will have to do for now.
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her friend about her and her mother's conversation. Her friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex.
Yes, kids say the darnest things. | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/1/2008 3:17:55 PM | I always wondered what the cat was thinking.....
Subject: Dog Diary & Cat Diary
DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good
little hunter' I am.
**stards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.
Don't take it wrong cat lovers, it's a joke, have had both. | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/3/2008 10:43:21 PM | A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in
the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the
closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
*I n the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.*
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catc h.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your fr iends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you
to church, to confession.'
*They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.*
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet
now.' | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/10/2008 2:49:31 AM | If only I had...
I've found a way to get through this financial crisis!
If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left.
With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left.
With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left.
But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have
had $214.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.
Guess I'll start now.. | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/10/2008 2:54:59 AM | Now back to jokes, real..
This one is for everyone who ..
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having
a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"
pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed
staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?" | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/15/2008 3:22:51 AM | Came across this joke..it's in fun!!
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not,
But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes….10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes and 5000 fish
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies
And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney…
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl.. It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family….Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese Still.. | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/15/2008 1:36:33 PM | | [url=http://img241.imageshack.us/my.php?image=noteoc1.jpg][img=http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/811/noteoc1.th.jpg][/url] | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/15/2008 2:13:56 PM | | Like I'm going to type all that.. yep, jokes on me.. | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/16/2008 10:37:45 AM | Here's one for you all.
A man walked into the Ladies' department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife".
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There's more than one type?"
"Look around", said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from".
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple .....
The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills!"
(0)(0)..Amen.. and thankfull. | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/17/2008 7:02:59 PM | | You just copy the link and paste it in your browser window, this site won't allow linking outside stuff. | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/20/2008 12:19:11 PM | Hot & Cold Sex
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.'
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/20/2008 12:24:15 PM | The Smiths were unable to conceive children decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
B R>'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!!! | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/20/2008 5:56:05 PM | Someone mention this and been laughing all day about it.
For am A.A.R.P.
Instead of calling it the AARP, Why don't they call it called it the RARP - Ragged Ass Retired Persons!! | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/21/2008 10:59:31 PM | The following is the winning entry in an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term: This year's term was Political Correctness.
The winner wrote:
"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end..." | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/22/2008 5:24:45 AM | Very Good, Young Lady..Thanks..
Hope the real joke's not on us, and you vote...your choice, but PLEASE vote.. | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/23/2008 9:42:41 AM | Heres one for all you fisherman..
She Has Destroyed My Fishing Pleasure!
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing. | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/26/2008 5:07:34 AM | A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Bentonville, Arkansas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'
The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Arkansas. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.''
The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'
(I love this part)
keep scolling
keep scrolling
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.' | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/26/2008 5:45:18 AM | An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account, and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind, I would like to come back at ten o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank, confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly ten o'clock, the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc., so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly, the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that, and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !' | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/28/2008 7:57:05 AM | Where's Forrst Gump Mother now..
Forrest Gump Explains Mortgage Backed Securities:
Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street
stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal
buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates. These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.
Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for turds
returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole
all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.
Mama always said: "Sniff the chocolates first Forrest!! | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/28/2008 7:05:45 PM | The Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asked her students the following
question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael
said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher
responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go
to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very
dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you
to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted | |
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| Jokes for Tennessee!
Posted: 10/29/2008 6:42:44 AM | A guy walks into a bar and puts a brown paper bag on it and asks for a beer.
The Bartender asks whats in the bag.
Guy said....... can't tell ya.
Bartender: If ya don't tell me, no beer.
so..... the guy reaches in the bag and pulls out a 12 inch tall man and puts him on the bar. Next he pulls out a piano bench and a piano scaled to fit the lil man. The man sits down and starts playing music.
The bartender is impressed and asks the guy where he can get one. Man answer....... can't tell ya. Bartender says.......... well, no beer then.
Man pulls a magic lamp from the bag and hands it to the bartender. The bartender gives it a rub and out pops a genie. Genie says only one wish to a customer. Bartender gets greedy and asks for a million bucks. Genie says your wish is my command and disapears inside the lamp.
A few minutes later a duck walks through the door..... then another duck........ then another till the whole bar is full of ducks. Bartender says to the guy...... I think your genie is a lil hard of hearing....... I said "bucks" not ducks" Guy says....... tell me bout it....... ya really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
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