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| *Women Abandoned By Their Dads* ~ How Has it Effected Your Love Life?
Posted: 10/4/2008 10:48:21 AM |
To the MEN: You've mentioned that these women (with abandonment issues) seem insecure or seem to have something missing ~ please be more specific.
Alright, I've dated or been in long term relationships with several women that had no father figure in their lives. I think the thing they had is common was that they seemed to worry more about things. Maybe it comes from the lack of support they felt as a child (just reaching here) At the same time, they were all very sensitive women - sensitive toward others feelings. That could be the kind of woman I'm attracted to, or it could be another thing they had in common. | |
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| *Women Abandoned By Their Dads* ~ How Has it Effected Your Love Life?
Posted: 10/4/2008 11:55:14 AM | My father went above and beyond what most fathers would do but counterbalanced it in many ways with all of us but with me specifically. We barely spoke for 20 years despite me calling regularly. I would say Hi Dad its Andrea and he'd say Andrea who? and he wasn't joking. He also insisted women were inferior to men and he had three daughters and no sons. My mother was an intellectual making three times his income. Kinda grated on his nerves but she never mentioned it - ever but it drove him crazy and he took it out on us girls until she came home and then he'd go off at her for hours while we listened from upstairs. He was deeply shame based in some and justifiably proud in other ways. When they met he was rich and she was poor and then the tables turned later and he couldn't handle it. Pity. But in the end who nursed him through to his death. Whose arms did he die in. Hers.
There are a number of circumstances I won't bother going into. None of them could be mended by me although I tried - they were not my problems - they were his hangups.
I had it out with him a couple of years before he died which I feel really was my saving grace. For once he did not run right over me or cut me off until I was done. I have no resentement or frustration at all anymore because I feel he came around in the end but anyone that reminds me of how he used ot be really gets on my nerves and I avoid or stand up to them. I sometimes play along to avoid conflict but I never submit for long. I feel only peace now when I think of him although if I tell others of the things he did wrong they are appalled and expect me to be enraged - it is irrelevant to me now. I came out standing in the end so all is well that ends well but it was a very rough road for a long time. I have forgiven him and I am grateful for what he gave me. This did not happen until after his death.
Then he died a couple years ago and I cried for days but couldn't think of a single thing I missed that was specific to me. He was a great cook, gardener, host, entertainer and spiritual guide and he loved my mother faithfully and unwaveringly for 40 years. He passed those things on to us but my mother passed hers on with purpose - her considerable skills in so many other ways counterbalanced and surpassed his anyway.
Now I feel quite lucky. En balance I had it good but it took a long time to find it's balance. My father gave me things he may not have acknowledged in me but those I love and admire do. I have a lot of caring, loyal male friends, mentors and colleagues, so even if your father rejects you I think you can overcome it - however you define that. There are 6+ billion people on the planet. Many excellent ones will help you. Just gravitate to them and appreciate them and you will rise with them.
TD | |
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| *Women Abandoned By Their Dads* ~ How Has it Effected Your Love Life?
Posted: 10/4/2008 1:37:13 PM | Are you a woman who grew up without a Dad because he left your Mom when you were little & never turned back?
Yes. But the difference is that he'd wanted to be in my life, but I refused him that for over 10 years. He'd done and said some pretty mean things about me, but mostly about my mother. Looking back, I was disgusted by both my mom and my dad.
How has if effected your ability to maintain a healthy relationship with a man?
I don't know that it has. I've no evidence either way. I didn't have a father, per se, but I had more than most people's fair share of father figures. I refer to uncles and grandparents, as opposed to the dating habits of my mom.
Do you think that you are single long stretches of time because of unresolved issues?
The majority of my long stretches in singledom have been entirely on purpose. So no.
Do you see any patterns in the kinds of guys that you are attracted to?
I've never dated anyone who seemed like my dad in any way.
A part of me thinks that I've let go and accepted the past, but there's another part of me that feels VERY weird for not being all 'married up' with kids, and I just wonder sometimes...
See... I am certain that I'm not keen on marriage because I've got very little proof that it can last and tons of proof that it won't. | |
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| *Women Abandoned By Their Dads* ~ How Has it Effected Your Love Life?
Posted: 10/4/2008 3:35:04 PM | | I fell in love with a girl that was somehow abandoned by her father. I don't think her mother told her the whole story. He died when she was 8, and she hadn't seen him since they separated at 4 years old. The more I got to know her, the more sad I felt for her. I wanted to rescue her from the heartache. This girl always had an agenda. As hard as I tried, nothing worked in the relationship. I cooked for her, cleaned her apartment, I did her laundry. I gave her money for necessities, and took her out frequently. I made myself available emotionally. She would go back and forth with her ex-boyfriend and lord knows who else. Our problem was with communication. She wouldn't express what she really wanted, and I was trying to play mind reader. Her emotions were up and down from minute to minute. I was not equipped to understand her psychological issues. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I was told to shut up when I expressed my feelings. I was expected to listen when she had an issue. She would hit me where it hurt the most one second, then take it back or act as if it never happened. Her mother tried killing herself over the winter, and I was there with her for support. I visited the hospital several times, and drew her a bubble bath complete with candles and dinner. She became distant. I know in my heart that I could not get through to her. I cared deeply for her, but it was never enough. I hope that she can find the help she needs. I always felt like I took the blame for what her family put her through. Her anger was taken out on the wrong person, but if that helps her get to a better place, I guess I will live and learn. | |
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| *Women Abandoned By Their Dads* ~ How Has it Effected Your Love Life?
Posted: 10/4/2008 5:14:46 PM | | I was abandoned by my mom not my dad, but my relationship with my father is really messed up. I don't feel comfortable going into details, but I've always had a lot of family problems, on top of dealing with a lot of bullying at school,self esteem issues, etc... and I guess maybe because of this I'm afraid to get involved with anyone.. | |
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| *Women Abandoned By Their Dads* ~ How Has it Effected Your Love Life?
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:10:35 PM | ^^
Kind of on point about bullying, specifically for me.
I wasn't so much bullied as I was harassed and lied about in high school. I think THOSE experiences damaged my self-esteem (back then, as a teenager) more than my parents issues and my own issues with my folks.
That treatment I got from quite a few of my peers left me feeling like people were scum and I shouldn't get involved than witnessing all kinds of bad marriages and nasty breakup junk did.
And I think it got to me more because in my teenaged and naive little brainpan, I kind of assumed that being my peers.. and sharing the forced horror that is high school.. that we'd kind of 'have each others backs' as it were. No such luck. | |
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| *Women Abandoned By Their Dads* ~ How Has it Effected Your Love Life?
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:30:19 PM | My father was an unfaithful husband and he was physically abusive towards my mother and myself, he used to beat me with a belt or with just his fist when I was 5 years old and this went on until my mother divorced him when I was 9 years old.
How has this effected my love life? I don't know if this has anything to do with my father being absent from my life but, I have always went out with older men, mostly ten years older than myself and this has been pretty much my whole life. They have all had darker hair and features, like my father.... I don't trust very easily, I am always looking out for any signs of abusive behavior and then I bail if I see any signs; I don't want to end up like my mother. I have never been with a physically abusive man, mainly due to my promise that I made to myself that I would not end up like my mother. I was married for 10 years to a man that was 12 years older than me, I found out that he was cheating on me, so we divorced in 2005. So, now I am alone, and I think it is better to be alone and not settle, never be stuck in any kind of relationship. A relationship is something that you should want to be in, never something you should feel trapped into in any way. | |
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| *Women Abandoned By Their Dads* ~ How Has it Effected Your Love Life?
Posted: 10/6/2008 9:29:06 AM |
There are 6+ billion people on the planet. Many excellent ones will help you. Just gravitate to them and appreciate them and you will rise with them.
Really good thought to keep in mind. I've lost people who were close to me & I think whether you're a man or woman, and have been left by either parent, there will be a void. Takes a while to learn that we're the only ones who can fill it...and yes, there's a huge amount of people out there willing to support you. | |
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| *Women Abandoned By Their Dads* ~ How Has it Effected Your Love Life?
Posted: 10/25/2008 10:15:41 PM | I've read the whole thread before posting and I congratulate all the folks who have beaten the odds out there and posted their thoughts on such a heavy topic. To be honest, I believe that both men and women are effected by an absent father or mother, but the outcome depends on how highly resilient one is capable of being and matures from what these role models have shown, enough to make the best decisions for their own life. I have met some pretty amazing people that grew up without a father or a mother. Also, I personally know one person who actually really did come from a cleaver family, who has gotten into drugs, partying and drinking a lot and a whole mess more trouble, and his relationships don‘t work out to well either. This person was my first love and so I knew his parents very well and they were super people, still are and they don‘t know half of what he‘s gotten into. So believe it or not, no matter what one experienced with a mother or father, we all walk on the same ground in how we want to do things in our lives or how we experience it. Sometimes, it takes making mistakes to learn things that can better our lives. One just has to dust off and head on out again, but in a different way and that is the hard part, but not impossible, if one makes up their mind to do so.
So here’s my experiences and yes, they certainly have effected my way of looking at a man and woman couple relationship, for myself.
My father was one that I never met until I was age 23, then he passed away when I turned 34. He was an alcoholic, and had 5 other children. Well, since I did not grow up with him, I seemed to have a different tolerance range to manage the most decent as possible relationship with him, out of all my siblings. Two siblings did not even attend his funeral. But by the age that I met him, I knew what he was able to give and so I did not look for to much, but was grateful to had met all of my siblings and get my curiosity out of the way. What he created from not being emotionally available to any of us, was a heck of a lot of pain, but all of us siblings, one boy and five girls, seem to have very productive lives. Out of six, none are alcoholics or drug users, which would challenge the gene theory about alcoholism being hereditary. But there is one thing that we all do have in common, none of us are married. Some did marry before, but basically, no one is now and that includes my brother.
I had a step father at age 3, all through growing up who was good to me and I was very thankful to have him. But he and my mother had a rocky marriage and still do to this day. Can’t blame one or the other, cause that takes two to keep that sort of thing going. They argue more then can be tolerated by other family members. No body ever visits them for more then two days, cause they just can’t take it, this includes myself and the family nick name for them is, “The ****ersons ”. Hence, my relationship with them both is quite distant, and not the choice I would prefer, but the best choice for my own peace, because nothing ever changes.
So for me, growing up was enough marriage to experience in a lifetime and perhaps my deceased father situation did not help on my outlook for doing so either. I like things to be as harmonious as life will allow it to be. These experiences have enabled me to learn great self reliance, which is not a bad trait, but in turn, these experiences have made me mighty picky of who I’ll let into my self built happy place. I’ve built my life to acquire no drama, other then what life throws me to handle from outside general life circumstances, that pretty much everyone deals and has to handle anyway.
So yes, I can say that, for me, both father and mother figures have effected my, couple relationships, in being that I am super careful of who’s allowed in my life. If they don’t bring the good stuff, like being respectful, have a clean past history, show responsibility, accept me for who I am, communicate on a level of maturity and can move slow enough in a relationship to get to know each other well enough--so that both of us over time can show that we can trust each other, then I don’t commit myself to a man who does not possess these true quality’s. Have not run into one yet, that possess these traits. One thing that has come good out of dealing with not having a cleaver family for me is, it’s kept me out of marrying the wrong one, because from all the screw ups, I saw the signs that I needed to, before I made that leap and I’m thankful for that.
There is always something good that one can pull out of something that was not so good. In the meantime, I’ve got a pretty good life on my own and if the one that comes across my life, is the one that is able to walk the line honestly, like I do myself, then so be it, couple relationship solved. Until then, or if it never occurs, I’ll live in my happy place, enjoying life as I have been doing. By now, I’ve learned how to do that, very well.
Wow, this became pretty long. Woops, well, hope someone got some good things out of this one. Peace to all. | |
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| * ~ How Has it Effected Your Love Life?
Posted: 10/26/2008 3:46:13 PM | My dad was in the Air Force he loved me and was great to be with but right before he left I was ready for him to go. His last words to mom were you are my wife my beautiful wife before he died. they loved each other it was something you could feel as much as see. I grew up wanting that. I have never got that. I never felt safe with a guy that he would come back to me ifI did not jump through hoops for him. Why? Most of the guys I know are the sons of hippies. They do not know how to make a commitment. Why do I like that type of guy? When Dad was away I had my brothers around to read me stories and do my hair and chase of monsters. My oldest brother was a hippie. They are so easy to spot. So fun to bearound. They also are not stable and so I swing between wanting a stand up guy who I can trust with my whole heart or a fun guy who I have to watch my purse around.
Point. Just because you have a good relationship with your dad does not mean you will live happily ever after. *Women Abandoned By Their Dads* just know that it happens quicker. | |
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| *Women Abandoned By Their Dads* ~ How Has it Effected Your Love Life?
Posted: 10/26/2008 8:09:25 PM | | hmm my dad....nope i dont recall!! my father was there when i was younger but ignored me in everyway..he hated me for some odd reason..used to leave me on the side of the road for real. then just dissapeared...anyways i think it made a good outcome in the longrun becasue i know when i look for the man i want to spend my life with and help raise a child with me..i will be sure to find the one who wont abandon them or miss treat them in any way..i know not to look for an a-hole.lolol | |
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