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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/24/2008 9:27:25 PM |
Generally I don't give any suggestion on this kind of topics... I take it as a msg...
I think that was a troll message.
Nutt | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/24/2008 9:31:15 PM | It can be useful to reframe a situation in order to get more information about it. For instance, you're "racking your brain trying to think of what pushes people away from me." That may be pretty uncomfortable for your brain, given that racking is a form of torture. It also keeps you focused on an undesired future - one in which people are pushed away from you. Another possibility among many is to ask yourself, "What would I like to have happen?" and then observe and explore the answers that come up in response.
Also, two other books that might be helpful are Keeping the Love You Find: A Guide for Singles and Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. I haven't read either of them, but have married friends who swear by them. (Maybe that's why I don't read them! lol ) | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/24/2008 9:49:11 PM | Wanna know how to fix you?
1) ask for a transfer
2) move
3) find a hobby
4) volunteer
In other words start new.
You have some ready cash in your hand if you got the ring back
Sell it ! Get the money . Put some of it away and take some of it grab some guy friends and go somewhere where you can meet people and have fun. Vegas , Atlantic City, Cancun, or Atlanta .
Did you ever think that things happen for a reason? | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/24/2008 9:54:03 PM | Hey firefighter - you are wise to fix yourself.
Your fiance cheating on you had nothing to do with you. Two people not worthy of your trust had an affair. Now - you are young and that sort of thing hapopens when you are young. The bewt thing is that you know now. So .. when you are ready -- and I think you should be ready NOW -- start dating some ladies for fun. Decide that you are taking someone interesting to dinner on Sat (or whatever activity you enjoy) and DO it. All women are not evil -- and in my case I could have thought all men were evil - except I have met some marvelouys men recently - becasue I looked. Good Luck - all of us make mistakes and you were lucky you found out. Some day she will eat her heart out! | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/25/2008 10:25:17 PM |
So you're posting to tell us that you have nothing to contribute?
Okie Dokie....
Well I was planning to type something... when I done the typing and suddenly recognized that would not help at all, so I delete it and moved to a short posting....
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 6:54:16 AM | OP:
Perhaps the answer does not lie in you or your character, but your choices. Maybe it's not that you attract these types of women, but you are choosing them without realizing it? Maybe you're attracted to the type that will cheat? I dunno, food for thought...
Sounds like you're definatly in the right frame of mind by stepping back and taking a look at the situation. All I could offer is to suggest you take a look at all the possibilities before beating yourself up too much. I know your position, I was cheated on badly too. I know why I went down that path, and won't make the same mistake again (I hope).
Ultimately, all we can do is pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, learn, and move on. | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 7:15:40 AM |
Perhaps the answer does not lie in you or your character, but your choices
Nicely said. | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 4:32:27 PM | I really can't be sure, as I have not much to go on. But consider a few factors:
1) You're young, and if you are dating women your own age, in this society, young women are encouraged to go out and date lots of young men with no intent to either be serious, or keep their commitments, including being faithful to their current boyfriend.
2) You live in a town of under 10,000 people, and the average salary for a man is well below the average salary for your job. So you are earning a lot more money than most men in your town, and that can attract the less moral of women.
3) Your job as a firefighter is very exciting to a lot of women, and can attract a woman attracted to danger. But your job is dangerous, and puts your life in peril, so it is not attractive to a woman who wants a man for long term. So that can again attract a woman who is only interested in short term, and so doesn't care if the relationship ends badly, as she doesn't expect it to continue.
I'd be very interested in seeing if you approached women in your area and told them you had an ordinary job, that didn't put your life in danger, and didn't earn more than the average guy your age there. You probably won't get as attractive women, but you might get a woman who is a bit more interested in long term.
I think you should stick at your job, as it is obviously something you enjoy, and no-one should have to leave an honest job just to get a girlfriend. But maybe you might have to be a bit more selective in the type of women you date. | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 4:49:24 PM | We're living in the age of "groupies" and firefighters for some reason have a huge following among a certain breed of women who have certain fetish/fantasies. Some women will not want to know you for you but for your "uniform", just like some men will want to date a cheerleader or a woman in latex... When someone cheats on you, it is not about you. If it was about you, she had the option to end it.. why did she not? She preferred to lie and cheat and KEEP YOU while going behind your back to pursue more adventure.
However, I would agree with the poster above that professional advice will be loads better than POF forums. | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 4:51:37 PM | | Some women are just.. Well there is no polite word. They have no self control and theyre too easily convinced that the grass on the other side of the fence is better then the lush green grass theyre standing on. I guess she just forgot to take off her shoes to experience it. | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 4:52:30 PM |
1) You're young, and if you are dating women your own age, in this society, young women are encouraged to go out and date lots of young men with no intent to either be serious, or keep their commitments, including being faithful to their current boyfriend.
Speaking as a female and as a mother of a female, I can tell you that's not the case. In both my generation and my daughter's generation, girls are encouraged to only see one boy. The result is that both the girl and the boy end up in a prematurely serious relationship that they are not ready for either emotionally or financially.
Personally, I would prefer that all young people, boys and girls, date rather than jumping into some serious relationship. It helps them learn about a lot of different people and gives them options rather than dating the first boy who comes along, feeling she has to stick with him no matter what and puts up with all sorts of garbage and possibly brings children into the world to be taught that a terrible relationship is "normal." I'm not being sexist or putting down boys. It works the other way as well as I know some wonderful men who got stuck with the first girl they dated.
Unfortunately, my views are in the minority.
Nutt | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 4:55:46 PM | 1) You're young, and if you are dating women your own age, in this society, young women are encouraged to go out and date lots of young men with no intent to either be serious, or keep their commitments, including being faithful to their current boyfriend.
---
Speaking for myself, I was not raised that way nor am i encouraged or even TEMPTED. I would be the happiest girl a live just to find a guy who expressed the same values of trust, and honesty and loyalty as i did. | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:00:31 PM | I agree with Sweetness - if someone cheats, it's on them. You didn't cause it.
Apparently, she's not ready to settle down. Don't blame her lack of integrity on something you may have done
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:21:23 PM | I'm really sorry your fiance cheated on you. I also want to say I think the whole "self evaluation is a great idea. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but if this keeps happening to you it's probable something your doing. Again I don't mean that to be mean, and while you shouldn't place the blame on yourself, the reality is something your doing is causing these girls to cheat on you.
If your interested I have a PDF book called Sperm Wars which is super interesting. It's basically talks about the evolutionary reasons, and biological reasons why people cheat. Some of the stastic's are pretty crazy, and while I don't remember all the stats, women are much more likely to get pregnant with there cheating partner rather then the person they are in a relationship with. The tittle comes from the fact that out of the millions of sperm that are released, only 10% of them can actually impregnate a girl. The other 90% are literally fighter sperm. If there are different sperm they will literally attack each other, which I though was just insane. If your interested in the book, send me your email and I can send it to you. | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:30:15 PM | I don't believe you can cause anyone to do anything
He's just choosing women who aren't mature enough to be faithful
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 5:57:27 PM | Absolutely, just be glad you saw it before you got married. It may be a pattern she will repeat, too young too tell.
If you are truly mature you should step back and get to really know a woman before you decide to try a mutually exclusive LTR. What many mistake as love is lust and it can last awhile... people who say dont work on yourself ? ,,,well ignore that too. Tell them to kick rock!!!! There is a pattern, find out why, read some self help suggestions, it will never hurt to do that and possibly consult a therapist/counselor. | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 10:44:36 PM | | It is obvious that you are attracted to women who are not ready to "settle down". If the women you end up with are having sex too soon with you, then you know that they are just looking for "FWB". | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 10:58:44 PM | if you truly believe that this is a pattern for you, then i would take my time knowing your next ltr and making sure she is your best friend as well as your lover. i also would look at the fellow worker. what kind of collegue would sleep with your fiance? is he competing with you? if you look back at this engagement, were there cues that you did not pick up and how long were they in evidence?
aside from all that, you are young and for both your age group and mine--the current state of affairs with respect to long term relationships "stinks". you didn't create the stink, but you have to smell it. so, remove yourself from the source. surely you are not the only person who feels this way. but, you must be sure you are not just settling for any young woman who comes along, nor pining away for unrealistic expectations. find your "middle way" and your paths will cross, when the time comes. in the meanwhile, explore who you are, aside from your profession.
12 step has some really good 4th step inventory books. the one for teenagers from ala teen, is one that i often use for myself, when i am undertaking some introspection. i told my kid, i'd save it for her, when she got old!
ain't nothing wrong with self improving, but that is not about "blaming". in your inventory, make sure you include your good qualities as well!
oh, to be 23 again!!!! (without the angst)  | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/26/2008 11:13:31 PM | U'r right, u need to fix U!!! Cuz u know what? What do all those cheaters have in common.......? I f u said "me". Then u'r so right. Maybe subconsciously u'r attracting them. U gotta figure that out in your own head... However I noticed something with what u mentioned. U said u give a lot of freedom and trust. Let me tell u this, black people had to fight for freedom for years. What does that mean? That I'm racist? Wrong he he. I simply mean, Ppl have to work hard for freedom, and just like TRUST and RESPECT, they're not free or given, they're earned. I don't want to point a finger on u, but I have to, I believe u gave her too much freedom and trust. Thats what happens when u'r too nice, too sweet, etch. People will take advantage of u. I'm not saying be an ***hole, but u might need to balance it out. Hope that helps :-D
AJ | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/27/2008 4:49:50 AM | | Taking a wild guess here without reading further along....if this happens often, maybe you are choosing women who take risks, focus mostly on what they want, have not so much respect for themselves that they can understand respecting other people, can rationalize doing behaviors that aren't socially acceptable? | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/27/2008 1:03:01 PM | RE msg 36 by ChocolateNutt:
Speaking as a female and as a mother of a female, I can tell you that's not the case. In both my generation and my daughter's generation, girls are encouraged to only see one boy. The result is that both the girl and the boy end up in a prematurely serious relationship that they are not ready for either emotionally or financially. I am only 3 years older than you, and in my generation and my mother's generation, that was the case too. But NOT in the OP's generation, at least, not all over the UK, and judging by the young women I've met from America, the same is true there too.
Personally, I would prefer that all young people, boys and girls, date rather than jumping into some serious relationship. It helps them learn about a lot of different people and gives them options rather than dating the first boy who comes along, feeling she has to stick with him no matter what and puts up with all sorts of garbage and possibly brings children into the world to be taught that a terrible relationship is "normal." I'm not being sexist or putting down boys. It works the other way as well as I know some wonderful men who got stuck with the first girl they dated.
Unfortunately, my views are in the minority. Actually, from what I've seen, a LOT of parents feel the way you do. HOWEVER, that only works when you date without getting attached, and when you learn from the dates you went on, by analysing what you've learned in a practical manner. Unfortunately, people aren't dating without getting attached, particularly as they are having sex, and scientists have stated that when people have sex, they produce "oxytocin", often called the "love chemical", because oxytocin makes women far more likely to feel a bond towards the guy they are with.
Also, people are being given the impression that they only have to study and think in order to pass exams, and get into school, not to actually think about what they've learned in their daily life, such as how different men act on a date. It's rather a shame, because most women report they go for a guy, are unhappy with the way he treated her, and then date the same type of guy, again and again and again, instead of learning their mistake from the first 1 or 2 guys, and making better choices.
RE msg 37 by .K.r.i.s.t.a.:
Speaking for myself, I was not raised that way nor am i encouraged or even TEMPTED. I would be the happiest girl a live just to find a guy who expressed the same values of trust, and honesty and loyalty as i did. Good for you. But I can tell you that if you are looking for a confident, good-looking guy who gets a lot of attention from girls, that's like looking for a needle in a haystack, because he got that way by dating lots of women, and so his level of honesty and loyalty is not as high as you would like. But if you open your eyes and consider ALL the guys around you, your options are very good.
P.S. The ONE thing I see on POF that most guys and women recommend to look for in a man is his actions, not his words. According to these posters who appear to be very experienced in dating and relationships, men lie, but their actions don't. I hope that you keep this in mind, and I sincerely hope it helps you in the future to find your special guy. | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/27/2008 1:24:42 PM | ~OP~ I will agree, cheating has to do with the cheater and her/his own set of issues. However ~ you were 1/2 of that relationship. I'm HUGE on accountability and this is probably the toughest topic/realization of all. Why did he/she cheat? Well ~ when a relationship works, it takes two, when one fails (for whatever reason) it likely takes two. Only you know for certain what happened in your relationship(s), therefore, you are correct. Only you can fix your 1/2. I'm a huge fan of "journeys of self" and am usually on a constant "fix" of some sort. I don't think anyone is ever done with their own self, but it seems a road that most avoid at all cost. Self enlightenment and having a much deeper sense of your own self simply makes you much more likely to avoid mistakes of the past and value things of the future. It's often ugly what you find, but in the end ~ well worth the trip. Good luck and sorry that this played out as it did for you.
Edit: ***********Snort*************** @ candid & self neutering. HAHAHAHA...that was worth the log in. HA. | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/27/2008 1:25:15 PM | | Jesus Christ... the drugs must be wearing off. I though this was a thread about do-it-yourself neutering... | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/28/2008 1:54:39 PM | as to the above mother perspective about young girls, i have found a full range of behaviors. some get involved with one boy, but earlier than in my generation. our family therapist, who i hired immediately upon the adoption of my teens, felt that it was best for a girl of about 16+ to have a steady boyfriend--thus missing out on the bar and date rape drug scene that is prevalent nowadays.
yet other teens are choosing celibacy, although often reverse after a few years, and others are screwing around royally, but also reverse later on. so it depends on the personality and stage of development, as well as how "busy" you keep them with gratifying activities that also have a social component. it also depends upon their psycho social history and how intelligent and in touch with their feelings they are--in order to process and then to grow. in certain situations of extreme abuse, an entire paradigm shift must evolve in the brain. i have seen this happen--but with teens who got some sort of ongoing and healthy support, after their trauma and before adulthood.
so, there is diversity and not so sure, but in the older days, i think many were sneakier about it. but, on the other hand, i think mtv stinks in the ideas it gives to young girls and boys. then, after contributing to the creation of the mess, they offer advice on how to fix it. it makes money for them. and, by the way, that is my eldest's insight (21), not mine--although i have adopted it (as well as her!) . she is a genius at processing her past and the overall state of society today. | |
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| Fixing myself...
Posted: 9/28/2008 8:08:42 PM | When you "fix" yourself..........................you're not supposed to cut the twin off!
Just disconnect them!
My advice would be to try and grow new pair! | |
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