| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 12:29:27 AM | given the additional information:
you're very young and the problems you describe are more like those of a married couple with children in midlife crisis! no time for each other at this age? when will you have time later? priorities need to be established. relationships are supportive, not neglectful and certainly not low priority. whether this man can offer you more is not the question. the question is whether your current relationship satisfies your needs. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 3:00:54 AM | | put your self oin his shoes and how would you feel if he was doing the flirting, really you have cheated so i say dump your bf as he is not the one for you or you wouldnt be flirting and your not ready for a real realtionship and dont you think your bf derserves better. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 4:40:47 AM | | IVE GOT LOADS OF CONFIDENCE,(WITHOUT BEING A ASS ABOUT IT),BUT FLIRTINGS GREAT,PASSED MASTER,AND MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND :) | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:18:58 AM | Thank you all for your honest feedback. I understand that mh behaviour is not admirable in the least. I've not really crossed any lines yet, but I'm headed on a path that can only lead to destruction.
How can I bring about a dialogue with my boyfriend on this subject? | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:25:38 AM | Thank you all for your honest feedback. I understand that mh behaviour is not admirable in the least. I've not really crossed any lines yet, but I'm headed on a path that can only lead to destruction.
Reminds me of last Saturday. My friend works the door at this bar and there was a woman there he's known for years and they are obviously attracted to each other. The only problem is that she has a boyfriend. Anyway, she was going back and forth from her SO to him. Firting and rubbing up on him and then going back to her SO. All of this happening in plain view of him and the look on the guy's face just said it all. My friend even tried the it's not my fault as an excuse but I told him straight up to tell her to get lost but he wouldn't. Both his and her behavior disgusted me so much that I left.
How can I bring about a dialogue with my boyfriend on this subject?
Tell him exactly what you wrote here. Or better yet, have him read it. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:40:35 AM | Dear OP...After skimming over a previous thread from you posted a few months ago I came across this
Over the course of the last two or three months, it seems his sexual drive has gone down the drain. and it has led me to believe that perhaps you think that your b/f doesn't find you attractive/appealing any more and maybe subconsciously you are blaming yourself for the downfall (So to speak) 
This is one of the biggest things that breaks up relationships. FLIRTING to the point where it becomes an obsession.
It's quite clear to me that you are not receiving 'worthiness' from your b/f which has made you feel attracted toward another man who does make you feel good about yourself.
I think it's time to put your current relationship under the magnifying glass. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 8:00:40 AM | "I've not really crossed any lines yet, but I'm headed on a path that can only lead to destruction."
If I were a guy and you were doing what you described I would think you had crossed a line and I would want to break up with you. Same is true for any guy I was dating who was flirting with women when in a relationship with me.
You may not think you have crossed a line, but I am pretty sure you wouldn't like it if your boyfriend was doing this to you - at least I am hoping that your self esteem is high enough that you wouldn't like it. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 8:34:18 AM | | If u feel like that maybe u should dump who your with and go out with this guy. A relationship full of laughter makes a big difference to me. Some that pays attention to u is also very important. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 9:09:56 AM | My take would be that you are comfortable as a woman, a partner and so you have loosened up. You flirt because it makes you feel good and you know it won't go anywhere. When single and flirting it could go somewhere and that my be a place you are afraid of going.
Just make sure your friend knows you are in a solidified relationship but you enjoy the banter. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 9:46:32 AM | While I don't have any advice for the OP. I really like the title "A Voracious Flirt!" it gives the impression to me, that you have a tendancy to sexually devour men in a ravenous manner.
O_o' | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 10:44:06 AM | bringing up the dialogue is not a forum quickie lesson. you need to know the differences between male and female brains. i'll look up and email you some of those books if you want. but, half of this is you. for example, what would your partner do if you dressed up and flirted with him? the other half is him. everyone assumes stress, but has he had a medical checkup lately?
i think you need to consult a counselor or therapist who has a good reputation. i know that people outside the usa think that americans go to too much therapy. quite frankly, like any other field, therapy has it's share of incompetents. but, if you find a good one, it would help you get out of the box. that person could review with you, based upon your personality and a review of the situation in more depth: how/what to do in this situation. the best would be for both of you to get some advice. but, it appears he has no clue about the problem.
he may have to read up on workaholism as well. in essence, therapists usually advise busy people to have a scheduled date time with each other weekly. no excuses and no laziness. you would need the kind of time together where you can get dressed up and feel more sexy and romantic. however, also leave enough time for after the date!!! how to approach something like this, without him saying he's too busy or noncommital about the day or time, will be based upon his understanding of the severity and immediacy of the problem. you don't want to play games and make him jealous, but you do need to find a way to express your needs--letting him know that you are so attention starved, that you are finding yourself responding to anyone who pays you a compliment, notices your female qualities and has the time to speak to you in a sincere way. he needs to know that he is doing none of that. he also needs to know that, as a woman, you crave that. you need to know that he needs a lot of non sexual touch to rev up some of his bonding hormones. if he feels better, he can procede to the next step.
that's just a bit of it. i would see a counselor. too many individual variables here and everywhere else. things like differences in introvert/extrovert, culture, approaches to stresses, balance between goals and today, etc. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 11:00:34 AM | | It's called emotionally cheating -- which leads to physical cheating sooner or later -- and dressing up to impress another guy? Ouch. You should only dress up for your man. If you're trying to be sexually appealing to someone else, maybe you should cut ties with the b/f now, since obviously your interests lay else where. If I were a guy, and I was dating you, you'd be gone. That's just my opinion though. Perhaps you're still too young for something "serious" -- either way, what you are doing isn't right at all no matter how you try to justify it. You definitely crossed the line. The only fix for this is to avoid the guy you seem to have this crush on, and focus on the b/f. If something is missing or lacking, you need to talk to him. Effective communication can have amazing results -- and if not, then you two aren't compatible. Move on and save him the heartache. He deserves a woman that is into him and only him. No man I've ever met would put up with this simply because he doesn't have too. Women are a dime a dozen, a good girl on the other hand however is very, very hard to find. I bet it's nothing for him to replace you. Don't do to others what you wouldn't want done to you. End it or be faithful. End of story. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 12:06:15 PM | [I've not really crossed any lines yet, but I'm headed on a path that can only lead to destruction.]
In the words of Jimmy Carter .."I have lusted after women in my heart."
It sounds like this is what you have done already. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 1:26:59 PM |
forum_girl: "Flirting is inherent for most people. It seems second nature for many. For me, not so much. I've always struggled with flirting, and I've never really been a very engaging flirt. I'm pretty much the more nerdy type. I met my current SO through POF and we've been together two years. I love him dearly and I am committed to him 100%. Here is where my problem comes into play...
I just recently met this guy at a weekly function and I've seen him about three times now. He is funny, we seem to have a lot in common, and we get long quite well. We laugh and joke around, and I look forward to seeing him. Last week we threw around a lot of suggestive innuendo, which in hindsight was probably not the best thing for me to have done. Again, it was totally harmless, and meant just to be a joke. All of a sudden, it seems, I am just flirting without even really trying to? And I mean, flirting! I took two hours to get ready the night of the last function because I knew he would be there! I got all dressed up, and I would be a liar if I said I was not dressed to impress. It is such a strange, weird experience!
While I would never cross a line, or be unfaithful to my partner, sometimes I hear myself saying things that I know I probably would not say in front of my SO. I have no idea why they come out of my mouth, but they just do, and I feel terribly guilty after saying them. I know I have confidence issues, so, perhaps I am automatically attracted to someone new who takes the time to pay attention to me?!?!?! "
1) you are obviously not committed to your significant other 100% if you are flirting with some guy and excited about the idea of seeing him
2) you are seeing some guy on a weekly basis and you are attracted to him. you are flirting with him making sexual jokes. it wasn't "totally harmless" because you have lied to this new guy by not mentioning that you are in a LTR right now.
3) you are getting dressed up and anticipating seeing a guy who isn't your significant other.
You've already cheated in a way. You're rationalizing that it's safe because you haven't done anything but you are leading this new guy on and you're using him to feel attractive and special. Knock it off. You've already crossed the line.
* The next time you're around the new guy you owe it to him to mention your significant other.
* You owe it to your significant other to let him know how you feel about the new guy.
Your significant other may dump you. And then you can pick up the pieces and see if there's anything there with the new guy. But if you continue what you're doing then you're cheating--you're using your significant other for security and you're using the new guy for validation. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 1:42:27 PM |
I've not really crossed any lines yet, but I'm headed on a path that can only lead to destruction.
Destruction? I don't think so... unless you're only referring to the destruction of the relationship... but even that's not guaranteed... You might end up with an Open Relationship instead.
How can I bring about a dialogue with my boyfriend on this subject?
My suggestions are as follows:
1. Have him read this forum
2. Tell him "there's another guy I want to have sex with, but I don't want to do it if it'll wreck our relationship"
3. Tell him "I want an Open Relationship"
4. Sleep with the other guy, but keep your mind in the past when you were single. Once you're done, bring your mind into the present. That way you didn't really cheat because your mind was in the past and you were single back then. Have 3 shots of JD another 3 shots of tequilla and a Mike's Hard Lemonaid and then try to explain this to him. And if you can't, then blame the booze and start singing "I love you just the way you are" by Billy Joel...
5. Tell him that you're thinking of becoming a Porn Star... but you need to practice on other guys in addition to him... and you happen to know just the guy to help you out with this... | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 1:44:16 PM | OP- how do you open the communication with your SO?
If you can't talk with your SO, you shouldn't be sleeping with him.
I assume you've had sex?
People people people!
If you cannot TALK to the person you're sharing your body with sexually - don't do it!
Freaking morons.
OP- I'm sure you aren't a moron.
Make a date to spend some time alone, with your SO, and spill the beans. All of it. Then allow him to decide what the two of you should do now. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/25/2008 1:45:53 PM | My guess would be that being in a relationship has bolstered your self confidence so that now flirting is much easier for you to do. It also sounds like there's some chemistry between you and this new guy.
I echo some other posters in asking you to examine your current relationship. Do you love the man you are with or did you settle? If you continue this intense flirtation with the new guy, I can see you heading into "we didn't MEAN for it to happen, it just DID" cheating territory.
But, having said that, would you be doing yourself and your current SO a disservice by staying with him when this extremely strong attraction to another guy seems to indicate that maybe there's something lacking?
There is no right or wrong answer, OP. But I think you have some soul searching to do.
Cindy O | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/30/2008 8:21:52 AM | UPDATE!
Alright, so, I went to my weekly meeting as usual, and I thought you might like to know what went down.
Firstly, I didn't dress up. Jeans and a sweater. I still engaged the new guy in polite discussion, but I distanced myself from any banter. Later, he added me to online messenger, and I told him the whole story. I let him know I was in a long term relationship with a man I loved very much, and that until I can get things sorted out with my SO that I cannot be flirting around. It wouldn't be fair. He agreed, and promised to keep his distance, but that if I needed anything that he would be there.
As for my SO, he and I have a date planned on the weekend. I hope to discuss multiple issues with him then. I think I am flirting around because I feel so lost in our relationship. Maybe letting him know how I feel will open the communication up. I'll let you know how it goes. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/30/2008 6:33:47 PM | Ask yourself this --- How would I feel if my SO were doing what I am doing?
If you can honestly answer it wouldn't bother you --- then by all means, keep on doing what you are doing...If not, stop, think and find a new place to work or there will be trouble in paradise before long... | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 9/30/2008 7:03:17 PM | [QUOTE]As for my SO, he and I have a date planned on the weekend. I hope to discuss multiple issues with him then. I think I am flirting around because I feel so lost in our relationship. Maybe letting him know how I feel will open the communication up
I think that it's great and responsible to discuss issues with your significant other. Communication is really important as is (to me anyway) keeping some fun and romance in any relationship.
However, I do not think it's fair for you to tell him that you've been flirting around. You should shape up your behaviour and work out your problems with your SO, not burden him with hurt and worry. If you can't work out your problems to make your relationship healthy and fair to both of you, then you need to end it respectfully
Nutt | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 10/5/2008 12:27:05 PM | I have looked through most of these posts about your dilemma. I have never responded to a post before but felt compelled to on this.
What you are doing is blatantly obvious to any outsider that knows anything about life and relationships. I am only stating these things to helpfully open your eyes, not to hurt you. Please take that into consideration if you feel the need to judge me after.
1. Flirting is not necessarily inherent with most people. Being CORDIAL/NICE is .....for most.
2. Some people flirt when in relationships, regardless of their feelings for their SO.....it's called a lack of respect for their SO or low self esteem in themselves.
3. You dressed up and primped yourself for this other man while in a current "committed" relationship according to you. That explains a lot in itself. Think about it.
4. Before you ever act on anything (as simple as flirting or otherwise), place yourself in the opposite position, having found out LATER about what happened.......as an after fact. Would you be upset if the roles were reversed and you found out later (ie: after the fact)? I imagine so. That is hiding something from your SO that is against the relationship and against him. How do you expect him to act and think when he finds out?
5. This world is full of "disposable" everything.......now including relationships. Unfortunate.......VERY unfortunate, and sadly very true.
6. You are not married yet. You have the option of releasing this relationship. It doesn't sound like you are too committed to me.
7. Be respectful of yourself and your current SO if you don't want this relationship. End it before you move on.
8. After living 54 years of life, I promise you what goes around comes around. If you want the type of behavior you are currently offering to you SO to happen to YOU directly, keep going and doing what you are doing. It will come around to haunt you later, and you will wonder what you did to deserve this.
9. If you are attached (in a relationship), what are you even doing having a profile on POF? How RUDE and disrespectful to yourself and your BF.
10. If I was your SO and I found out about this in ANY way (from you or others), I would dump you before you had the chance to say a word to me.
11. Hiding things from your SO (like this), is nothing more than cheating and lying, since you say you are committed. No excuses, no reasons why you did it. The only thing you haven't done is take off your clothes and have at it with this new guy. (if you haven't thus far).
12. Trust must be earned from everyone. You have broken trust with your SO if he ever finds out. Don't expect him to easily trust you again (if he even stays with you). The pattern is set with your behavior, and how you act.
People wonder why the divorce rate is so high, and why we cannot find "true love" anymore. This is why in my book! A few others recommended counseling. I highly adhere and agree with that statement. It will help you in the long run with your confidence and many other issues. It is a positive thing to explore.
Simply..........food for thought. Take what you want. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 10/5/2008 12:53:10 PM | Msg: 1,
Msg: 5 states:
If you would not say or do those things in front of your significant other, then you know that behaviour is not appropriate. If you're choosing to act that way even knowing it's inappropriate, that is not a nice habit.
It's ok to be witty and outgoing, it's not ok to give someone the impression you're available.
Let me go one step further; if you can say to a stranger flirtatious things that, for whatever reason, you CAN'T or WON'T say to your SO, then perhaps you are with the wrong SO.
Also, regarding the post from Msg: 5, if you choose to give the impression that you ARE available, you MUST end the relationship with your SO **FIRST**! Don't string him along if you are not sincere. Yep, you will cause him pain, but not NEARLY the pain that you would cause as a result of any real or imagined infidelity. THINK about what you do. DECIDE what you want. Then BRING your decision into reality in the PROPER manner. I don't believe I need to explain propriety to you. I think you already know. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 10/5/2008 1:05:50 PM | I am not such a Puritan or so old that I don't remember what it's like to be 21. You aren't living with your bf, evidently you aren't engaged to him, you aren't flirting with one of his friends, you aren't rubbing the flirting in his face, and on top of it all, you don't even see him very often.
I can understand why a little harmless flirting would be fun and exciting. Just as long as you make it clear to the person with whom you are flirting that it will go no further.
You are young and single, and if flirting is the worst thing you ever do, you are a better person than most of us. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 10/5/2008 1:23:20 PM | Did you feel this way with your present SO?
I am a believer in connections and that some connections are natural and some are not. I have forced connections that were not really there to begin with because it all looked good on the surface. After having the benefit of hindsight, I won't permit myself to get involved without that any more. You are young and it's not all cut and dried, but you need to pay attention to your feelings and your intuition. My advice (fwiw) is to evaluate your present relationship for its merits against how this other guy makes you feel. If you feel a lot of life force energy around him and not the other, to me that is a big problem. This guy might not be "the One," but could be the one to teach you what's missing and what you want. | |
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| What A Voracious Flirt!
Posted: 10/5/2008 2:13:45 PM |
Msg: 41 -- Make a date to spend some time alone, with your SO, and spill the beans. All of it. Then allow him to decide what the two of you should do now.
If she were MY woman and she did that, "spilled the beans" as you say, the relationship would END then and there. I don't tolerate infidelity, real OR imagined. She IMAGINED something with the guy she flirted with. That ALONE is enough for me to move on.
NEXT!!!! | |
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